*Rest: 1: sleep 2: freedom from work or activity 3: state of inactivity 4: something used as a support~ 1: get rest 2: cease action or motion 3: give rest to 4: sit or lie fixed or supported 5: depend
Tonight I got all dressed to go to church (I even wore some cute heart earrings)despite the fatigue pressing in. It was a sort of defiant decision to go and as I got ready to leave, I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. I was exhausted and my limbs were like dead weights. It felt good to actually lie down for once, and in that moment I realized how utterly selfish it would be for me to get in a car and drive anywhere in this state of supreme debilitation. I could fall asleep at the wheel or freak out from the lights so bright, or hit someone because I was too tired to take note of my surroundings.
I thought of how God is calling me to a season of rest. REAL rest. I thought about how we all have different seasons and struggles and how my particular struggle has consistently been to stop. To just be still. It was like that when I was a nanny, when I served in ministries, when I didn't have Fibromyalgia, and surprisingly, it's even worse WITH Fibromyalgia. I tend to push back when my body begs me to rest.
Every year Abba gives me a theme. It started in 2005 and it will come as a whisper. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what it means until way later, such as one year themed: "open your eyes" or another: "letting go." This year it's: "learning how to rest." Pretty clear, right? You would think so, but my heart is stubborn. Anyway, in that moment, laying on the bed, I knew I had to choose. Myself or God. That may sound funny, but going to church tonight would have been choosing myself. To religious eyes, to the standard of Christian culture today, not going to church every week is taboo. It signifies that one is not "as" spiritual or that they are "lost" or somehow not as in love with Jesus as Delia-Do-Everything is. In layman's terms- it's judgmental. I've been that person. Intentionally or not, I think most Christians have. If last year was accepting this sickness, now is the time that I learn what it means to be still. Fighting against my body tonight would have been feeding my ego. The part of me that is bound and determined to be Janet without Fibromyalgia. That is always my first inclination, and thus, choosing to stay home (for me) is the harder choice. The most spiritual thing I could do is stay home. Imagine that!
I miss corporately worshiping. I miss constant, face to face fellowship (but oh, how I am grateful for technology that enables fellowship from afar). I miss being active and serving. But all of that, it's about me, not God. Because God is speaking to me and I'm not listening. I'm like a child plugging my ears with my fingers. Choosing myself, choosing my way over His.
I don't cease. On my very bad days I still force myself to do laundry or create small projects. Though I have come a long way from before, I still struggle with accepting my limitations. I've never been idle. To me that is a waste of time. Hence, my challenge. I'm not boasting in this, I'm saying this is NOT what God calls me to.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Matthew 11:28-29
Psalm 61:1
“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.”
Psalm 62:1-2
“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”
Isaiah 40:28- 31
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Psalm 23:2
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
There are moments where all activity must cease and a heart must be still before the Lord. I'm not just talking about prayer. I'm talking about stillness. With NOTHING to distract. No petitions, no words, just the solitude and surrender that comes with bowing before our God. No television, no books, no internet, no music. Just... silence.
Lately my head had been so full of fog. It feels like a bunch a cotton for brains. I try to read and it's difficult. I spend entirely too much time on my iPhone. I don't know what rest looks like for my life yet. I have asked God to lead me down that path and to give me the courage and strength to abide in it. To choose rest feels like gritting my teeth. It feels like defeat. Like I am letting my sickness win. Tonight felt like a big accomplishment.
It's mind boggling to me how we can act so beastly sometimes and yet He still blesses, still loves, and not only loves, but loves HARD. Earlier I had a little tantrum. It happens sometimes with Fibro. It happens to me way less frequently then it used to, but occasionally I will get really hot inside, feel like I can't stand being in this body any longer, and I will snap. It makes me feel embarrassed and guilty and ashamed. I don't like it one little bit, but it happens. Being in pain 24/7, 365 days a year will do that to a person. ;) So I'll feel like a monster, and then God comes quickly to forgive and restore, and His affection is so LOUD that I can only be grateful. So grateful.
Today, after all was said and done, I was checking Instagram and saw that some of my favorite music makers (worship mothers and fathers) will be coming to Wilmington in March. This church is in California, and they are coming to NC?! Let alone my very favorite town in the entire world?! God has healed my heart a few times in Wilmington. Kayaking* for one.
*This was one of the most peaceful experiences of my life. There had been a great deal of strife only the night before and the decision to kayak was random. I just knew I wanted to see Dawson Leery's house and getting there by kayak was the only option. I had never kayaked before and it was hard. I remember the sun beating down furiously. I was not dressed for the occasion, and I was pedaling with all of my might. Halfway there I learned from the guide that it was an intermediate course and I was full of regret for signing up. Surely I would not make it. But suddenly we were there, and it was so worth it. I felt so excited! On the way back it was quiet. The guide and I were silent and I listened to the water lapping against the kayak, saw the blue sky, and heard the birds sing around us. It was beautiful. It was one of the best days of my life.*
Anyway, how random is that?! ONLY God. People may scoff and claim coincidence, but I know... I know His love. I know He is absolutely in the details and the fact that I may have an opportunity to worship with some amazingly free and furious worshipers... in my favorite place... that is not coincidence, that is a loving, beautiful, oh so very attentive God.
And not only that! Oh no, there's more. The perfect devotional today.
How many times have I lamented that I feel like a prisoner? And today I was reminded again of those who have gone before me, and I know that I know that I know that the God of the universe is with me in my "prison." Not fashioned with cells and bars, but a prison made up of sickness and isolation and despair.
He meets me here and reminds me that He's got this. HE HAS GOT THIS. And I cry in release and in joy because this kind of love is insane! It's a fire! It's a river! It's unicorns and babies laughing and flowers everywhere. It's God. In my heart. In my soul. In my spirit. In my very being.
So tonight I chose. Church would have been fun and good and well. I miss it so. But this silence... this rush of God's tangible love-
I feel Him here and He says, "be still & wait,"
and so I will.
