Jason Upton - Faith

This is an old favorite and very much needed today.

The last couple of days I reached out to two old friends of mine and asked for prayer. I am so grateful for these two (Theresa and Melinda, that's you!). For always being prayerful, for loving me and pushing me to Jesus no matter what. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being my soul sisters through and through. I also shared with my closest friends in my support group online and feel relief once again for the realization that I am certainly not alone in my Fibro journey. To know there are others going through the same up and down coaster makes a world of difference.

I've also been writing in my journal much, much more than usual (it usually takes about 2 months to fill one journal, but I shot through a brand new one I got for Christmas that I just started this month), and my psyche is getting a major workout, as the dreams have returned, as well as the night sweats. I don't mind so much, because I know my mind is working things out. Dreams about huge bugs or being lost or having too much stuff, or church things. All very detailed, mostly involving anxiety, all very much a part of the process.

I've felt very angry and sad as of late, and a large chunk of that is because I was not walking in grace. Because of that I was not showing grace in my life to the people near to me. I was a walking wound, poisoning the atmosphere around me as I oozed bitterness, discontent, and depression. I am not ashamed of that. This too is part of the process. A part of being a Christian is being able to be transparent with my weaknesses and struggles. I am a very imperfect person, who makes mistake after mistake. To pretend as Christians, that we have it all together is very wrong and very unbiblical. The reason we need a Savior is because we are full of sin. I think we forget that sometimes, especially when we've been walking with Jesus for a long time.

In this pitfall I have carried feelings of intense helplessness. Honestly, I wanted to give up. As in, not even try at all anymore. Try to live like this, try to make the best of this sickness filled life. I just wanted out.

So of course (my eyes fill with tears galore here) my Jesus, who absolutely, 100% loves me, came immediately to meet with me as soon as I cried out. There were reminders of His faithfulness, His love, His presence in my life. Little things, but declarations of our love relationship, and it was like a raft out at sea.

I started to tread water again, instead of sinking. I took hold of that raft.

I received two devotional emails this morning that spoke DIRECTLY to my heart:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/life-plan-day-planner-sanity-manifesto-printable/

http://www.wisdomhunters.com/2013/01/come-to-me/

I went back to sleep, and when I woke up I got down on the floor in front of the heater and started to journal again. God told me to put on a specific song (http://youtu.be/ZkMKzXshThc) and to just lay out before him. During this time He gave me the image of laying at his feet and just letting my hair wrap all over them. I was clinging to His leg and just letting Him love on me. He showed me to write all of my recent sins and struggles on a piece of paper, and then afterward to simply worship Him in song. Then I took communion and burned up the paper.

That's it. Just like that.

Grace.
Love.
The reminder that I am loved, that I am covered, that He is still present.

My heart is beyond grateful and even though this doesn't make my mood instantly sunshine and rainbows, it does bring me back into alignment with the God of the universe.

The God who loves me, even in my failures.

There are some personal things that He is asking me to surrender and change, and I look forward to seeing how this barren place is made into something beautiful.

To Him be the glory, forever and ever.

Please do keep me in your prayers, as this is a constant struggle with Fibromyalgia. Thank you so much.