I've decided not to go to that worship night in Wilmington. I've known in my gut that it would be a bad choice to go but rebellion made me think it was an option. I COULD go but it's not in the best interest with Fibro.
I convinced myself it was going to be some polite little affair, but the reality is that it would be hundreds of people in one building, bright lights like a concert, and loud music. In this case choosing not to go takes more effort and strength (A reminded me). To drive 2 hours, go to a concert (cause lets not mince words, that's what it would be), stay overnight, and drive 2 hours home is not a smart choice.
I feel sad at realizing yet again another "loss" and thing that Fibro makes unenjoyable, but I feel kinda proud too.
It makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself better.
Most people without Fibro (and even some that do) would tell me it would be good to go. I agree. It really would. However, it is even better NOT to go. This shows that all of my self work and hard nights have transformed into my ability to recognize my very real sickness and limitations. It means I have reached a point where, yes, a part of me still rebels against the reality of having a Neuro-Immune illness, but I now grasp how vital it is to pay attention to what having Fibromyalgia really means in my life.
I CAN go to a concert, but since my nervous system is already overloaded, I will not be taking care of myself in doing so.I can barely stand the noise of the television and am NEVER around others without ear plugs, and cannot tolerate even going to church regularly, so a concert would just be asking for the ramifications. Perhaps there are some of you that can do these things with no problem. And while I applaud you, I'm not you. I DO get exhausted easily. Most of the time for no reason. I do stay home 95% of the time. I require tons of quiet and extremely limited activity.
This is not defeatist. I don't feel bad for myself. Sure, I'm disappointed and angry that I have this beastly condition, however, I am aware that this is a HUGE accomplishment! A year ago I probably would have went anyway, at the pressure from both fibro and non-fibro friends. I would have went against my gut and tried to fit myself neatly into the world that I honestly don't belong in anymore.
This is a milestone and I'm too grateful not to share.
:)
