purge
pərj/
verb
- 1.rid (someone) of an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition, typically giving a sense of cathartic release."Bob had helped purge Martha of the terrible guilt that had haunted her"
synonyms: cleanse, clear, purify, wash, shrive, absolve
I'm in this season where God is having me pay super attention to what I am intaking, whether it be emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. There are some long standing habits that need to be replaced, and I am excited to head into this new area that He is leading me onto.
The last two days I have spent time going through my belongings and getting rid of things I haven't used in a long time, or things that I simply don't need. I remember a time when I had an entire storage filled with my Barbie and doll collection, as well as numerous other knick knacks. Eventually I downsized to a smaller storage space, then donated a bunch when I moved into a different place, and another big purge before the move cross country. And now, it feels amazing to fill up bag after bag. There is a juicy freedom in not being tied down to possessions.
The thing is, it's not necessarily about the stuff. It's more about the heart response, the memory and refreshment in remembering who God has called me to be, and where He wants to bring me in the spirit. It's definitely not about a list of do's and don'ts, or an attempt to be super spiritual. ;) That's just not how Jesus operates. Grace is free, and nothing I do will ever make Him love me any more or any less. It's almost as if I took a detour on that path to simplicity God was calling me to in 2009. Fibromyalgia took up every bit of my time, and it was all I could think or talk about. Other goals and dreams were immediately put on hold, and that call to live a more minimalist lifestyle fell to the wayside. It wasn't until very recently, when I found myself falling into old habits of buying magazines (sidebar: God told me to give up reading my guilty pleasure rag mag every week... something I enjoy immensely, but felt the stir in my spirit... I wasn't convinced until I heard the still small voice: "it's none of your business." I stopped that very day. Again, not in some super religious display. This is about what God is asking ME to do. MY convictions, not anyone else's. This also goes for my social media diet as well. There are some areas where He is asking me to silence the static and spend more time cultivating the things of heaven rather than the things that entangle me here on earth.) and dvds and whatnot, that I realized that I was looking to be fulfilled with those distractions instead of with God. Binge eating had been conquered, but I was binging in other ways. The call He placed on my life all those years ago- to give up certain television shows, to live simply, to live for HIM, to ask for my spiritual eyes to be opened so wide, etc. all came rushing back, confirmed in daily devotionals, watching Everyday Living on the daily, scripture, and listening to sermons online.
This is such a healing season in my soul. I am in no way cured. I am in no way better than anyone else who is struggling through Fibromyalgia. I do not have some miracle potion to make it all better. I very much still go through pain 24/7 and the fatigue is still very rude. But....
I think back to a time when I had to take anti-anxiety medication every single time I went anywhere, or if I interacted with people. When I kept my eyes down, and was afraid to drive anywhere alone. I remember when I could go out maybe once, and it would take me the rest of the month to recover. Those days of bottomless depression as I cycled through the grieving process over and over, when taking a shower was extremely exhausting and the biggest chore of the day. I used to cry every single day. I could barely function.
Over time I have been able to eliminate certain medications and supplements, though I still take a lot throughout the day. I am no longer on pain medication and haven't been for the last 5 months. I juice every day and that has been extremely fundamental in the improvement of my symptoms. Many of the side conditions of Fibromyalgia seem to be in some kind of remission. Not the Fibro symptoms, which are just as intense as ever, but the other illnesses that plagued me all at once, in that intense physical assault between 2009-2013. The constant, back to back infections and new diagnosis'. Just the other day I went to a city an hour away- which is 2 one hour car rides, braved a big mall- walking from one end to the other, which is no easy feat! I most definitely had stabbing pain in my heels and legs, abdomen and back midway, but I did it! And emotionally I feel so centered and so... well, me.
I still have moods, but like a normal person. The deep well of anger and resentment is gone, and I no longer feel like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I write all this knowing that at any moment I may have a bad mood, or a bad Fibro/fatigue day, but that it no longer dictates WHO I am. It does not consume me. I have begun to live again. Doing basic chores is a precious gift every day. I still ask for help when I need it, but my independence is coming back more and more as each day passes. My spirit of adventure, my ability to roll with the punches... all of it is being deposited back into my soul and I can't believe that I am the same woman who once felt so hopeless and could barely function.
A huge thing is that I limit my time with other people. I rest a lot. I don't put myself in situations where I know I am going to be stressed, unless I absolutely have to. I don't let people guilt trip me into socializing anymore. I stopped forcing myself to be who everyone else wants me to be. I stopped worrying so much about pleasing other people, and focus more on what I need to do in order to get through life. It sounds so terribly trite, but I assure you, dear reader, it is a constant concentration on self-discipline and it took forever and 5 days to reach this stage!
Yesterday in the purging/cleaning process I got out this small blue suitcase that held all of the medical paperwork from the last 5 years. I have one slim file folder with the most important papers, but this suitcase was stuffed full. Suddenly I started tearing those pages up! It felt GREAT! It was sticking my finger up at all the doctors who treated me like I was crazy, it was letting go of all the lies and bondage that people had spoken over me in my season of weakness, it was acknowledging that I am not bound to my illness, or to the darkness of the past 5 years. Every outpatient surgery, every procedure, physical therapy, psych evaluations, prescriptions, gads of appointments... all of it- I let it go.
Because life is about right now. Today. Yes, those things happened to me. Yes, it broke me. Yes, I went through depression. Yes, I wanted to not exist. Yes, I am still sick. Yes, it's still hard to not be able to do certain things... but the difference is that I feel like I am heading towards a lifestyle where those things might be possible again! HOPE. That was missing those bleak years. Grief is necessary when illness comes. I had to lose myself in order to be loved back to emotional health by my Jesus. In that brokenness so much of my ugliness rose to the surface, and had to be dealt with.
There is no easy process, no quick way to accept the chronically ill lifestyle. It takes time, and coming apart to be put back together. It is different for everyone, but the reality that being ill SUCKS is true all across the board.
I don't feel like I have mastered Fibromyalgia. I have not. But I have come out on the other side, and it's pretty wonderful after the years of circling the same wilderness.
Life is possible again after getting sick. It's a moderate, boundary filled life, but it is LIFE.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
There is so much freedom in accepting my condition, and loving myself, and asking God to let me see myself the way He sees me, and immediately dismissing anyone who speaks death over me.
This season is about ridding of toxins. The pollution in my thought life, emotional life, physical life and spiritual life.
Purging has been cleansing and healing. I am so thankful for everything I have gone through. It has led me here, and as horrible as it all was, it taught me so much about what really matters in this life.
Fibromyalgia has been a blessing... throughout the unbearable pain, and the relentless fatigue, I have been reborn and remade. I am a new creation! How fantastic is that?
God is so good.
