Blah.
I feel horrendous.
An eyeball headache is worming its way through my head and settling on my eyes, my head, my neck, my ears.
I am nauseated.
I feel dizzy.
So tired.
I'm hoping tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
It's a Long One!
10-26-2011
Because I am a Christian. Because that doesn't mean I have it all together.. Because grace and knowing my Savior is the only reason I don't give in when I feel like I just can't endure it for one second more or when the enemy is taunting me with lies tied up in the past. Jesus. That's why I won't hide the truth and the ugliness that goes on with illness. It's real and saying cool lingo like "I'm not going to partner with it" doesn't make it disappear. I am a real woman with real sin. I have hurts. I am not immune to acting out in my flesh.
As a believer we tend to hold ourselves a certain way. We ought to be the realest people out there, but there is a stigma against being completely real, especially about the ugly bits. We put on smiles, and say we are fine to those that ask us. We serve, we lead at youth groups, we go to Christian events. We "forget" that it is by grace and grace alone that we are redeemed.
We are allowed to be open. We are allowed to be vulnerable. We are allowed to admit we are broken at times. When we stop admitting our sins and failures, then we stop knowing that it is by the blood of Jesus that we are saved. Because it becomes about preserving the Christian reputation. We allow ourselves to feel guilty when we need help. We feel we must keep it all together or we will not be as spiritual as the others.
No, my friends, no. What makes us spiritual is being able to be honest with ourselves and with others when we struggle. Our addictions, our fears, our emotions. When we start putting on the facade, when we start living in that space that says we must have it together because we are representatives of Christ, that is when we fail to accurately reveal who our Savior really is. If we had it all together then we wouldn't need Jesus.
Today:
I've been praying a ton about church and what it says in the book of Acts is not what church in America has become today. I am grateful to have the freedom we do here to worship God. We can read our Bibles at Starbucks and we can find a myriad of churches on every corner. We can find one to tailor fit our needs with just the right ministries and the right music and the right pastor. But the problem I see in all of that is it becomes all about "me, me, me." It becomes about how I can be fed, how much I like the music, how much I get from it. That is not Biblical to me.
I realize this is going to sting some people. Good. I want it to. I want to challenge you. I want to be challenged. Is there truth to what I am saying?
We are called to spread the gospel We are called to love people. We are called to serve God no matter what we are doing- whether it is working at McDonald's or babysitting or mowing lawns or even cleaning toilets. We are called to be representatives of Christ regardless of which church you call home or what awesome ministry we are serving at.
Ministry is great. I have been privileged to help lead in some awesome places. It was fun and it was a blessing. I learned a lot and I met wonderful brothers and sisters who have become lifelong friends. What I am saying is that we don't need a church to do those things.
We need the word of God. We need an active prayer life. We need solitude with our Creator. We need to worship in song. We need to serve others. We need to live for the Kingdom. We need to give away of ourselves. We need to love people. We need to go to the nations. We need fellowship that is authentic and challenging.
That's it.
I love church. I believe in attending church. I love hearing the word of God spoken out to a congregation. I love worshiping with a room full of other believers and hearing the sweet, sweet sound. Those are beautiful things. However, in my search for a new home church I have started to notice some things.
Things I never would have found to be an issue before.
While it is great to equip believers with materials and teachings to promote spiritual growth, church is not supposed to be about us. Church is supposed to be about Jesus. Church is supposed to be sharing the gospel. I find it disheartening that money is being spent on bulletins and coffee mugs and pens and items that have nothing to do with people being saved. I find it an issue that materials and books and cds and whatnot are sold for a profit in a church. Any church. Bibles should be handed out. I am not blasting having books and cds and materials. I have those. I am blasting that in a church where we proclaim that knowing Jesus is free and that the gospel is for people, why are they charged to further their relationship with God? When Jesus walked the earth He didn't need a hot new hardcover bestseller or the latest in contemporary worship to reach people. He shared THE TRUTH. He shared scripture. Equipping someone with a Bible is a lifetime investment. Seriously. Did we forget how angry Jesus got when people were profiting at church?
“ And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,
And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.
”
— Matthew 21:12-13
When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”
John 2:13-16
Okay, we're obviously not selling cattle today but we're selling cds and materials and not understanding that it is the VERY SAME THING that pissed Jesus off back than.
I've been doing a ton of research about certain churches and things that I took at face value before. My spirit is very open, which is a great thing, but it can also be a hindrance. I am looking back on the last few years and realizing that a lot of the stuff I just accepted without contrasting it to the scriptures.
The church I first came to know the Lord at was a very wonderful place for a baby believer. The doctrine is sound, the connections made forged deep bonds, and there was authentic community. Today, as I reflect on all of this I feel quite lucky to have been grounded in a right place. Because of what God did through that first home church, I am able to look at the last few years and take off the rose colored glasses.
I started attending a more charismatic church in 2006, and straddled both my previous church and that one for about a year. I knew I was being called to this new church but I was so hesitant to step out and do it. Finally in 2007 I started attending the charismatic church. God did some amazing things in my life during my time there. He opened up my prayer life to a place I never knew existed, showed me how to worship in freedom, brought me to the Philippines, and healed some majorly hurt places in my heart.
I recognize that and I am so appreciative that He allowed me to step that way and discover more of who He is during that time. I fell in absolute love with Jesus in a way I never had before. At the time I attributed that to the church. Completely. I was caught up in all of the amazing things, the "move" of God over that place. I attended core classes, started bringing the kids I cared for, started serving at the junior high ministry, attended conferences galore, etc. I was all about it.
Now, this may sound nuts, but I feel, after being away for some time, as if the blinders are coming off. In 2008, while serving, there were some things that pin pricked at my soul but I ignored them. Little inconsistencies in some of the leadership, etc. I won't bust it all out because I still respect that church and the Pastor. I am aware that all churches will have flaws. We're all human and we all sin. With that said, I found myself changing and it felt all good. Blissful. I was anointed, and full of His spirit... I was getting healed up and being used for His kingdom. Sense a little sarcasm here? Those things are true, but what is also true is that I was becoming arrogant in a subtle way. I was becoming super fanatical and not in a Godly way.
In 2009 I went on the above mentioned trip to the Philippines. It was there that I began to learn even more about the church I held in such high esteem. I was shocked. When I returned to the states I started to observe more closely. I attended corporate prayer like I did every week and I watched. I listened. I began to see that while not all of the hearts were insincere, that there was indeed, an insincerity amongst the main leadership. Not all of them. I don't want to slander. I want to be factual. Still, I maintained loyalty to my church. I did stop attending a prophetic class and corporate prayer, and I stepped down from serving the youth. I was already sick at the time and it made sense to step back at the time. Once I stepped down, I literally became a nobody. I no longer fit in. "Friends" stopped saying hi to me in the halls, no one invited me to hang out, and I sort of faded into the backdrop.
For over a year I still attended this church. I watched as the rythym began to change and it started to become about money. They are building a massive campus and so it just got showier and showier. Before that announcement, we'd already launched a sister campus in another town. There were podcasts online, more products sold. The feeling over the place started to change. Since I've been especially ill the last 2 years I was attending as much as I could on the weekends and watching online when I couldn't make it. But something had changed.
I felt like it must be me. I was the one who was sick. I was the one who couldn't attend every function. I must be the ungodly one. I must have been doing something wrong to not warrant the fellowship I thought I had. I wrestled with guilt for a long time, and even after moving cross country, I pondered as to whether the enemy was telling me lies in order to sway me. Obviously we know 1 Peter 5:8: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I get that and so I wondered if I was being devoured slowly.
I believe in healing, I have been healed from cervical cancer growth and from lumbar osteoarthritis. I believe in miracles. I believe in spiritual gifts. I believe and know that God is able and can do all things, whatever He wants to do. I believe and because I believe I have to be accountable to what He says in His word.
However, and I say this with some hesitation, I have recently begun to pray for clarity over everything I have opened myself up to these last years. There came a point where I felt like I was commanding God to do something "in His name" versus calling out to Him entirely and I started to realize that in casting out these things in brothers and sisters we sure are giving the devil major credit. Thankfully in God's infinite grace and mercy, He still grew me during my times of self-obsession. I wouldn't even classify it as that, but for lack of better words, that is what it feels that I am coming out from.
The thing is that it was so darn subtle, and I was being a "good" Christian so it was easy to miss in myself. I was caught up in spiritual hype and in "working for the Kingdom." Again, I believe in advancing the gospel. I believe in serving. I believe in attending a healthy, Bible grounded church. I believe in fellowship. I believe, I believe, I believe. I also believe 2 Corinthians 13:5: "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
I do not know that all of what I experienced was inherently "bad." I do know that when something feels off in your spirit it means we should pray on it and seek wisdom and TRUTH over what feels pretty.
Lots of things feel good and sound good. It is a cinch to start to compromise even while doing good things.
One major issue that contradicts scripture is that I saw people putting themselves and others on a pedestal. Who has the most followers on Facebook or Twitter. I saw elitism acted out. On the weekends preaching about loving and caring for each other, but these elite leaders kept to themselves and those they deemed worthy of their attention. I saw someone preach about giving away and not hoarding up treasures on earth while wearing $200 jeans on a pulpit. I saw ipads and iphones and mania over the latest gadget. Not to say those are wrong to own, or that God doesn't want us to be blessed. It is not my place to determine those things. But for me? For the life I am called to in Christ? It doesn't gel well. When Jesus called His first disciples to Himself he did not say to hoard up stuff. No, he said:
As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.
Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.
Matthew 4:18-22
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
Matthew 6:20
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Luke 18:22
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” So they set out and went from village to village, proclaiming the good news and healing people everywhere.
Luke 9:1-6
In NONE of these verses does it say we need to have more in order to follow God. It just says to follow Him. Someone who reads this is going to bristle because it doesn't fit into our way of living here in America. Someone is going to think I am completely radical and not understanding of the fact that God does not call us to be homeless or poor. Okay. Okay. I can understand that standpoint, and I do agree on some level. God wants to bless His people. God wants to give us what we need in order to live on this earth.
GIVE US WHAT WE NEED.
Do we need iphones?
Do I need a car?
Do I need a laptop?
Do I need new clothes?
Those are luxuries that most of the world cannot afford. We live in a spoiled nation. We do. And I have seen poverty. REAL poverty. I have seen children and babies and women and men laying in buildings deemed as hospitals in another country where there is no X-Ray machine or prescriptions or even proper medical equipment. I have seen poverty. I have been well off (not rich but growing up we were spoiled- my brother and I) and I have been so poor I could not afford toilet paper. I have had many days where I have wondered where my meals would come from. I have been without medical insurance. I have also been blessed beyond measure. A used car from my first home church in 2005. Second hand laptops. Medication. Trips. I live in the favor of the Lord and he provides my every legitimate need and then some.
So going into a fancy church building with air conditioning and people in their expensive, trendy clothes with their fancy props does not show me Jesus quite like the homeless woman whose toothless mouth pops open in a slow smile when handing her a bag of fast food or the young child who runs around on the lawn singing her heart out to a God she loves.
I've kind of went off on a tangent here. ;)
Back to what I was saying. I have an open spirit. Because of that I am convicted of the fact that some of this time that I was worshiping and crying out to God, perhaps I was also inviting in whatever bogus junk was being splayed in the atmosphere around me. I have invited unclean spirits to work in my life. I'm not certain which ones but I know that something is tweaking in my spiritual life and I will not stop praying and rebuking until Jesus tells me it is done. For example, I visited a church here in my new hometown. I've visited 3 actually. 2 of the churches are nice. Welcoming people, etc. This 3rd one I visited immediately drew me in. There was prayer beforehand so I mosied into the sanctuary and just soaked it all in. There was a cd playing somewhere, a woman singing about the love of Jesus. Then the service started and I got caught up in worship. Seriously it is one of my most favorite things on the planet to worship God in song. Then I started to get palpitations. Yes, palpitations happen frequently with Fibro and anxiety and mitral valve prolapse. So I never stop and associate it with what it going on spiritually. That has got to be one of the major things I am praying on right now! How my illnesses are connected to the spiritual... so anyway, they were very severe and did not go away. The pastor started preaching and he was screeching and people were shouting out their "Amens" and "Hallelujahs!" Someone started speaking in tongues while the pastor was preaching and he paused and then afterward just kept going.
I Corinthians 14:27-28, "If anyone speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, each taking his turn; and let one person interpret. But if there be no interpreter, let the those persons keep silence in the church and speak to themselves and to God".
I Corinthians 14:18-19, "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than you all: Yet IN THE CHURCH I had rather speak five words with my UNDERSTANDING, that by my voice I might teach OTHERS also, than ten thousand MEANINGLESS words in an unknown tongue".
I Corinthians 14:23, "If therefore the whole church came together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there came in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, won't they say that you are mad?"
I Corinthians 14:39-40, "Wherefore, brethren, covet to prophesy, and forbid not to speak with tongues. Let all things be done decently and in order".
I once attended a "required" class (really?! Even that is bogus. God didn't say in scripture to attend 5 classes and you are suddenly ready to follow Him and lead. No, He said to follow Him. That's it. Simple.) and at the end we were called up front if we wanted the "baptism of the Holy Spirit." At that time it was explained that this was different from salvation because it would "activate" our spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues. Someone prayed over me and I didn't feel anything different. She started to pressure me to say something. Anything. It was hugely uncomfortable. After that night I would pray and I started to try this tongues thing out. I started babbling and honestly wondered if I was speaking in tongues. It didn't feel like it. I felt like I was just strumming words together.
I believe in this gift. I believe it is relevant today. I also believe that not everyone has this spiritual gift, just as not everyone has prophetic or teaching or pastoral gifts. We each have our own and when it is force fed into a congregation that they have all of this inside of themselves and need only to unlock it, well that just fully discredits God now doesn't it? He doesn't need me to "unlock" my gifts. He does that on His own. It also puts a lot on us and takes the reliance off of God.
So, I'm sitting in that church and I'm into it. Sort of. My emotions are stirred, that is for sure. I feel a response within, which I have attributed to the Holy Spirit all of these times. I even stayed an extra 2 hours after the service because worship and prayer was flowing. I had a woman come sit next to me asking if she could pray for me. I agreed. I love prayer. But it felt forced. And she was speaking so emphatically that she was blowing my hair all over my face and she didn't pray anything specific. She just kept saying the same thing over and over... and it did not pertain to me one iota.
So I came home and started praying and studying online. I felt drawn in but also a fear was creeping in. Which was of God and which part was the devil roaring around trying to get me to doubt the miracles? To doubt God? For this I had to look back on the character of Jesus. He does not bring fear, He brings peace. He does not bring doubt, He brings assurance. There is NO confusion with God. Confusion is from the enemy. The fact that I feel a literal fear to walk back into that church means something. It also means something that a part of me is drawn in.
This leads me to question what unclean spirits I have been coasting along with. Obviously a believer cannot be possessed, but we can be oppressed and those little demons will ride on our backs for as long as we will let them.
I have been praying earnestly for the reality to be revealed. The other night I was bare bones with God. I decided to abstain from listening to worship on my ipod for a few days and to not take in anything spiritually related, except for prayer and the Bible. It was over dishing out leftover Chinese food in the kitchen that I felt God's presence. I adore how He comes in at the most unexpected places! Anyway, He told me to read Matthew 16:6:
“Be careful,” Jesus said to them. “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Whew.
The very next morning I opened my Bible and the first words I saw were Mark 12:38-40
As he taught, Jesus said, “Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted with respect in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. These men will be punished most severely.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer I do not know what is!
Last night I turned on the tube and a show called The Outer Limits was on. Here is a synopsis of the episode:
"Ezra is a traveling faith healer. Ezra notices a young follower with a lot of potential and he trains this prodigy to be a minister. Soon, the student is performing miracles that cannot be explained or accounted for. Ezra feels threatened, he must find out what is going on - is it the hand of God or something else? After sneaking a closer look at the Bible that his understudy seemingly draws his power from, Ezra notices strange electronic circuitry and realizes that God isn't involved in this man's powers. After being framed for the murder of the town's Sheriff, Ezra finds out that the new minister is actually an Alien with malicious intentions. Ezra cannot convince his daughter of the facts and appears to be a nutcase, so in a last-ditch effort to redeem himself - Ezra attacks the young preacher with a pistol unsuccessfully (he heals himself) and is mortally shot by the police. As Ezra lies dying, he manages to squeeze off one last round right through the bible. The bible short circuits and the alien is killed/vaporized."
NOT A COINCIDENCE.
This faith healer was a fake. He had people in the audience that he specifically "healed" but it was all for show. He got jealous and greedy when the alien started using his powers to heal people.
It sounds nutty, but roll with me here.
This leads me to wonder about all of the "manifestations" people claim is God. God is not violent, so why do manifestations include jerking and shaking? Why have I myself been in worship and felt a part of my body twitch or respond? That seems to oppose the character of God very strongly.
I have rolled around on the floor crying and laughing with joy uncontrollable. I have felt the fire of God upon a a group of people, upon myself. I have been slain in the spirit. That felt like the Holy Spirit. Peace, light, pure.
But what about when it is not peaceful? What about when it feels wrong?
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
1 John 4:1
but test them all; hold on to what is good
1 Thessalonians 5:21
Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
Matthew 24:5-8
Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.
Don’t you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
I am far from legalistic. I don't think it's about rules and regulations, but I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't just about the party either.
I still haven't determined which church will be called home.
I am still full of questions that I am taking up in prayer.
Lately Abba has brought friendships back into my life. I've had the ones that have sustained these last 2 years of sickness crazy, but in my isolation many have been weeded away. I feel a new season coming into vision. One where I interact more with people in my life who I have not connected with in awhile. My friend actually came to visit this past weekend and in talking with her God showed me some things that I have been neglecting. Simple things that I kind of stopped doing along the way. Outward signs of my devotion to Him. I feel intensely grateful that He loves me so much that he enabled her to come here and remind me of who I am in Him. She doesn't know it, but our conversation and praying together, and just being with someone I love and trust so much in the Lord, is really pivotal in a way I cannot fully convey.
Another friend is going through a divorce and God has afforded me the opportunity to connect and share and communicate. It is encouraging to have people in my sphere who are genuine and who know me. People who I am invested in and who are invested in me. That is another thing that lacked at the church I last called home. The "friendships" I made there were contingent on my attendance. Once I stepped down from leadership I became invisible. That says to me that the relationships were not genuine. They were for show. Hefty prayers and lovey-dovey declarations that fall to nothing after you get sick or go through hardship. I have 1 actual friend from my time there. 1 out of thousands. 1.
Wow.
Another thing is that there was so much emphasis on healing and on "giving it to Jesus" that you are made to feel guilty if you aren't healed. The attitude is that you must be in some sin or you don't have enough faith if you aren't healed straight away. I once brought a teenager to the front who needed prayer for anxiety attacks. He was prayed over, accepted Christ, and then immediately brushed aside. As if his very real health problems would just be fixed. Easy peasy. I could see the discouragement on his face. He came to get counsel. He came to get prayer. Instead, an arrogant leader basically told him to eff off.
That is NOT Jesus. That is NOT Biblical.
I have been sick for the last 2 years and for a long part of that I felt so guilty. A part of that is Fibromyalgia and the other part is that it was so ingrained in me that if I was sick I didn't have enough faith. I reached out several times and not one response. Now, I'm not one who needs to be babied. I don't feel that it is anyone's responsibility to help me or fix me or be there for me at the drop of a dime. No. But I do expect that if you pastor at a church, or declare yourself a leader, that that means you are a part of shepherding a brethren. That means IT IS your responsibility when your people come to you and ask for help, for prayer. It was stated so many times that we are to pray for the people in our sphere of influence. Well, duh. We should be prayer warriors! BUT, to be told that leadership is not responsible for that is absolute bananas. I call bs. Being on the top tier of some fancy church chain does not validate that you get to ignore the needs of your congregation while you feast on expensive dinners (as observed) and stick to your clique of "upper class" friends in the church body. That is completely false. I personally want to say sorry to you if you ever visited that church (I will not write names but if you were affected there I am sorry) and received a snooty attitude such as that. It is wrong and does not exemplify the Jesus I know.
I am thankful to know Jesus. I am so thankful that He has given me His word as a guide, and that He has given me friendships that are in Him and Him alone. I am grateful that He took me from the dark places I have sought out and found comfort in. I am amazed that He is still teaching me. ;)
I am madly, head over heels in love with God, and I am excited to discover everything He is showing me right now.
More, more, more!
Because I am a Christian. Because that doesn't mean I have it all together.. Because grace and knowing my Savior is the only reason I don't give in when I feel like I just can't endure it for one second more or when the enemy is taunting me with lies tied up in the past. Jesus. That's why I won't hide the truth and the ugliness that goes on with illness. It's real and saying cool lingo like "I'm not going to partner with it" doesn't make it disappear. I am a real woman with real sin. I have hurts. I am not immune to acting out in my flesh.
As a believer we tend to hold ourselves a certain way. We ought to be the realest people out there, but there is a stigma against being completely real, especially about the ugly bits. We put on smiles, and say we are fine to those that ask us. We serve, we lead at youth groups, we go to Christian events. We "forget" that it is by grace and grace alone that we are redeemed.
We are allowed to be open. We are allowed to be vulnerable. We are allowed to admit we are broken at times. When we stop admitting our sins and failures, then we stop knowing that it is by the blood of Jesus that we are saved. Because it becomes about preserving the Christian reputation. We allow ourselves to feel guilty when we need help. We feel we must keep it all together or we will not be as spiritual as the others.
No, my friends, no. What makes us spiritual is being able to be honest with ourselves and with others when we struggle. Our addictions, our fears, our emotions. When we start putting on the facade, when we start living in that space that says we must have it together because we are representatives of Christ, that is when we fail to accurately reveal who our Savior really is. If we had it all together then we wouldn't need Jesus.
Today:
I've been praying a ton about church and what it says in the book of Acts is not what church in America has become today. I am grateful to have the freedom we do here to worship God. We can read our Bibles at Starbucks and we can find a myriad of churches on every corner. We can find one to tailor fit our needs with just the right ministries and the right music and the right pastor. But the problem I see in all of that is it becomes all about "me, me, me." It becomes about how I can be fed, how much I like the music, how much I get from it. That is not Biblical to me.
I realize this is going to sting some people. Good. I want it to. I want to challenge you. I want to be challenged. Is there truth to what I am saying?
We are called to spread the gospel We are called to love people. We are called to serve God no matter what we are doing- whether it is working at McDonald's or babysitting or mowing lawns or even cleaning toilets. We are called to be representatives of Christ regardless of which church you call home or what awesome ministry we are serving at.
Ministry is great. I have been privileged to help lead in some awesome places. It was fun and it was a blessing. I learned a lot and I met wonderful brothers and sisters who have become lifelong friends. What I am saying is that we don't need a church to do those things.
We need the word of God. We need an active prayer life. We need solitude with our Creator. We need to worship in song. We need to serve others. We need to live for the Kingdom. We need to give away of ourselves. We need to love people. We need to go to the nations. We need fellowship that is authentic and challenging.
That's it.
I love church. I believe in attending church. I love hearing the word of God spoken out to a congregation. I love worshiping with a room full of other believers and hearing the sweet, sweet sound. Those are beautiful things. However, in my search for a new home church I have started to notice some things.
Things I never would have found to be an issue before.
While it is great to equip believers with materials and teachings to promote spiritual growth, church is not supposed to be about us. Church is supposed to be about Jesus. Church is supposed to be sharing the gospel. I find it disheartening that money is being spent on bulletins and coffee mugs and pens and items that have nothing to do with people being saved. I find it an issue that materials and books and cds and whatnot are sold for a profit in a church. Any church. Bibles should be handed out. I am not blasting having books and cds and materials. I have those. I am blasting that in a church where we proclaim that knowing Jesus is free and that the gospel is for people, why are they charged to further their relationship with God? When Jesus walked the earth He didn't need a hot new hardcover bestseller or the latest in contemporary worship to reach people. He shared THE TRUTH. He shared scripture. Equipping someone with a Bible is a lifetime investment. Seriously. Did we forget how angry Jesus got when people were profiting at church?
“ And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,
And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.
”
— Matthew 21:12-13
When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”
John 2:13-16
Okay, we're obviously not selling cattle today but we're selling cds and materials and not understanding that it is the VERY SAME THING that pissed Jesus off back than.
I've been doing a ton of research about certain churches and things that I took at face value before. My spirit is very open, which is a great thing, but it can also be a hindrance. I am looking back on the last few years and realizing that a lot of the stuff I just accepted without contrasting it to the scriptures.
The church I first came to know the Lord at was a very wonderful place for a baby believer. The doctrine is sound, the connections made forged deep bonds, and there was authentic community. Today, as I reflect on all of this I feel quite lucky to have been grounded in a right place. Because of what God did through that first home church, I am able to look at the last few years and take off the rose colored glasses.
I started attending a more charismatic church in 2006, and straddled both my previous church and that one for about a year. I knew I was being called to this new church but I was so hesitant to step out and do it. Finally in 2007 I started attending the charismatic church. God did some amazing things in my life during my time there. He opened up my prayer life to a place I never knew existed, showed me how to worship in freedom, brought me to the Philippines, and healed some majorly hurt places in my heart.
I recognize that and I am so appreciative that He allowed me to step that way and discover more of who He is during that time. I fell in absolute love with Jesus in a way I never had before. At the time I attributed that to the church. Completely. I was caught up in all of the amazing things, the "move" of God over that place. I attended core classes, started bringing the kids I cared for, started serving at the junior high ministry, attended conferences galore, etc. I was all about it.
Now, this may sound nuts, but I feel, after being away for some time, as if the blinders are coming off. In 2008, while serving, there were some things that pin pricked at my soul but I ignored them. Little inconsistencies in some of the leadership, etc. I won't bust it all out because I still respect that church and the Pastor. I am aware that all churches will have flaws. We're all human and we all sin. With that said, I found myself changing and it felt all good. Blissful. I was anointed, and full of His spirit... I was getting healed up and being used for His kingdom. Sense a little sarcasm here? Those things are true, but what is also true is that I was becoming arrogant in a subtle way. I was becoming super fanatical and not in a Godly way.
In 2009 I went on the above mentioned trip to the Philippines. It was there that I began to learn even more about the church I held in such high esteem. I was shocked. When I returned to the states I started to observe more closely. I attended corporate prayer like I did every week and I watched. I listened. I began to see that while not all of the hearts were insincere, that there was indeed, an insincerity amongst the main leadership. Not all of them. I don't want to slander. I want to be factual. Still, I maintained loyalty to my church. I did stop attending a prophetic class and corporate prayer, and I stepped down from serving the youth. I was already sick at the time and it made sense to step back at the time. Once I stepped down, I literally became a nobody. I no longer fit in. "Friends" stopped saying hi to me in the halls, no one invited me to hang out, and I sort of faded into the backdrop.
For over a year I still attended this church. I watched as the rythym began to change and it started to become about money. They are building a massive campus and so it just got showier and showier. Before that announcement, we'd already launched a sister campus in another town. There were podcasts online, more products sold. The feeling over the place started to change. Since I've been especially ill the last 2 years I was attending as much as I could on the weekends and watching online when I couldn't make it. But something had changed.
I felt like it must be me. I was the one who was sick. I was the one who couldn't attend every function. I must be the ungodly one. I must have been doing something wrong to not warrant the fellowship I thought I had. I wrestled with guilt for a long time, and even after moving cross country, I pondered as to whether the enemy was telling me lies in order to sway me. Obviously we know 1 Peter 5:8: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I get that and so I wondered if I was being devoured slowly.
I believe in healing, I have been healed from cervical cancer growth and from lumbar osteoarthritis. I believe in miracles. I believe in spiritual gifts. I believe and know that God is able and can do all things, whatever He wants to do. I believe and because I believe I have to be accountable to what He says in His word.
However, and I say this with some hesitation, I have recently begun to pray for clarity over everything I have opened myself up to these last years. There came a point where I felt like I was commanding God to do something "in His name" versus calling out to Him entirely and I started to realize that in casting out these things in brothers and sisters we sure are giving the devil major credit. Thankfully in God's infinite grace and mercy, He still grew me during my times of self-obsession. I wouldn't even classify it as that, but for lack of better words, that is what it feels that I am coming out from.
The thing is that it was so darn subtle, and I was being a "good" Christian so it was easy to miss in myself. I was caught up in spiritual hype and in "working for the Kingdom." Again, I believe in advancing the gospel. I believe in serving. I believe in attending a healthy, Bible grounded church. I believe in fellowship. I believe, I believe, I believe. I also believe 2 Corinthians 13:5: "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
I do not know that all of what I experienced was inherently "bad." I do know that when something feels off in your spirit it means we should pray on it and seek wisdom and TRUTH over what feels pretty.
Lots of things feel good and sound good. It is a cinch to start to compromise even while doing good things.
One major issue that contradicts scripture is that I saw people putting themselves and others on a pedestal. Who has the most followers on Facebook or Twitter. I saw elitism acted out. On the weekends preaching about loving and caring for each other, but these elite leaders kept to themselves and those they deemed worthy of their attention. I saw someone preach about giving away and not hoarding up treasures on earth while wearing $200 jeans on a pulpit. I saw ipads and iphones and mania over the latest gadget. Not to say those are wrong to own, or that God doesn't want us to be blessed. It is not my place to determine those things. But for me? For the life I am called to in Christ? It doesn't gel well. When Jesus called His first disciples to Himself he did not say to hoard up stuff. No, he said:
As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.
Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.
Matthew 4:18-22
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
Matthew 6:20
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Luke 18:22
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” So they set out and went from village to village, proclaiming the good news and healing people everywhere.
Luke 9:1-6
In NONE of these verses does it say we need to have more in order to follow God. It just says to follow Him. Someone who reads this is going to bristle because it doesn't fit into our way of living here in America. Someone is going to think I am completely radical and not understanding of the fact that God does not call us to be homeless or poor. Okay. Okay. I can understand that standpoint, and I do agree on some level. God wants to bless His people. God wants to give us what we need in order to live on this earth.
GIVE US WHAT WE NEED.
Do we need iphones?
Do I need a car?
Do I need a laptop?
Do I need new clothes?
Those are luxuries that most of the world cannot afford. We live in a spoiled nation. We do. And I have seen poverty. REAL poverty. I have seen children and babies and women and men laying in buildings deemed as hospitals in another country where there is no X-Ray machine or prescriptions or even proper medical equipment. I have seen poverty. I have been well off (not rich but growing up we were spoiled- my brother and I) and I have been so poor I could not afford toilet paper. I have had many days where I have wondered where my meals would come from. I have been without medical insurance. I have also been blessed beyond measure. A used car from my first home church in 2005. Second hand laptops. Medication. Trips. I live in the favor of the Lord and he provides my every legitimate need and then some.
So going into a fancy church building with air conditioning and people in their expensive, trendy clothes with their fancy props does not show me Jesus quite like the homeless woman whose toothless mouth pops open in a slow smile when handing her a bag of fast food or the young child who runs around on the lawn singing her heart out to a God she loves.
I've kind of went off on a tangent here. ;)
Back to what I was saying. I have an open spirit. Because of that I am convicted of the fact that some of this time that I was worshiping and crying out to God, perhaps I was also inviting in whatever bogus junk was being splayed in the atmosphere around me. I have invited unclean spirits to work in my life. I'm not certain which ones but I know that something is tweaking in my spiritual life and I will not stop praying and rebuking until Jesus tells me it is done. For example, I visited a church here in my new hometown. I've visited 3 actually. 2 of the churches are nice. Welcoming people, etc. This 3rd one I visited immediately drew me in. There was prayer beforehand so I mosied into the sanctuary and just soaked it all in. There was a cd playing somewhere, a woman singing about the love of Jesus. Then the service started and I got caught up in worship. Seriously it is one of my most favorite things on the planet to worship God in song. Then I started to get palpitations. Yes, palpitations happen frequently with Fibro and anxiety and mitral valve prolapse. So I never stop and associate it with what it going on spiritually. That has got to be one of the major things I am praying on right now! How my illnesses are connected to the spiritual... so anyway, they were very severe and did not go away. The pastor started preaching and he was screeching and people were shouting out their "Amens" and "Hallelujahs!" Someone started speaking in tongues while the pastor was preaching and he paused and then afterward just kept going.
I Corinthians 14:27-28, "If anyone speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, each taking his turn; and let one person interpret. But if there be no interpreter, let the those persons keep silence in the church and speak to themselves and to God".
I Corinthians 14:18-19, "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than you all: Yet IN THE CHURCH I had rather speak five words with my UNDERSTANDING, that by my voice I might teach OTHERS also, than ten thousand MEANINGLESS words in an unknown tongue".
I Corinthians 14:23, "If therefore the whole church came together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there came in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, won't they say that you are mad?"
I Corinthians 14:39-40, "Wherefore, brethren, covet to prophesy, and forbid not to speak with tongues. Let all things be done decently and in order".
I once attended a "required" class (really?! Even that is bogus. God didn't say in scripture to attend 5 classes and you are suddenly ready to follow Him and lead. No, He said to follow Him. That's it. Simple.) and at the end we were called up front if we wanted the "baptism of the Holy Spirit." At that time it was explained that this was different from salvation because it would "activate" our spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues. Someone prayed over me and I didn't feel anything different. She started to pressure me to say something. Anything. It was hugely uncomfortable. After that night I would pray and I started to try this tongues thing out. I started babbling and honestly wondered if I was speaking in tongues. It didn't feel like it. I felt like I was just strumming words together.
I believe in this gift. I believe it is relevant today. I also believe that not everyone has this spiritual gift, just as not everyone has prophetic or teaching or pastoral gifts. We each have our own and when it is force fed into a congregation that they have all of this inside of themselves and need only to unlock it, well that just fully discredits God now doesn't it? He doesn't need me to "unlock" my gifts. He does that on His own. It also puts a lot on us and takes the reliance off of God.
So, I'm sitting in that church and I'm into it. Sort of. My emotions are stirred, that is for sure. I feel a response within, which I have attributed to the Holy Spirit all of these times. I even stayed an extra 2 hours after the service because worship and prayer was flowing. I had a woman come sit next to me asking if she could pray for me. I agreed. I love prayer. But it felt forced. And she was speaking so emphatically that she was blowing my hair all over my face and she didn't pray anything specific. She just kept saying the same thing over and over... and it did not pertain to me one iota.
So I came home and started praying and studying online. I felt drawn in but also a fear was creeping in. Which was of God and which part was the devil roaring around trying to get me to doubt the miracles? To doubt God? For this I had to look back on the character of Jesus. He does not bring fear, He brings peace. He does not bring doubt, He brings assurance. There is NO confusion with God. Confusion is from the enemy. The fact that I feel a literal fear to walk back into that church means something. It also means something that a part of me is drawn in.
This leads me to question what unclean spirits I have been coasting along with. Obviously a believer cannot be possessed, but we can be oppressed and those little demons will ride on our backs for as long as we will let them.
I have been praying earnestly for the reality to be revealed. The other night I was bare bones with God. I decided to abstain from listening to worship on my ipod for a few days and to not take in anything spiritually related, except for prayer and the Bible. It was over dishing out leftover Chinese food in the kitchen that I felt God's presence. I adore how He comes in at the most unexpected places! Anyway, He told me to read Matthew 16:6:
“Be careful,” Jesus said to them. “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Whew.
The very next morning I opened my Bible and the first words I saw were Mark 12:38-40
As he taught, Jesus said, “Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted with respect in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. These men will be punished most severely.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer I do not know what is!
Last night I turned on the tube and a show called The Outer Limits was on. Here is a synopsis of the episode:
"Ezra is a traveling faith healer. Ezra notices a young follower with a lot of potential and he trains this prodigy to be a minister. Soon, the student is performing miracles that cannot be explained or accounted for. Ezra feels threatened, he must find out what is going on - is it the hand of God or something else? After sneaking a closer look at the Bible that his understudy seemingly draws his power from, Ezra notices strange electronic circuitry and realizes that God isn't involved in this man's powers. After being framed for the murder of the town's Sheriff, Ezra finds out that the new minister is actually an Alien with malicious intentions. Ezra cannot convince his daughter of the facts and appears to be a nutcase, so in a last-ditch effort to redeem himself - Ezra attacks the young preacher with a pistol unsuccessfully (he heals himself) and is mortally shot by the police. As Ezra lies dying, he manages to squeeze off one last round right through the bible. The bible short circuits and the alien is killed/vaporized."
NOT A COINCIDENCE.
This faith healer was a fake. He had people in the audience that he specifically "healed" but it was all for show. He got jealous and greedy when the alien started using his powers to heal people.
It sounds nutty, but roll with me here.
This leads me to wonder about all of the "manifestations" people claim is God. God is not violent, so why do manifestations include jerking and shaking? Why have I myself been in worship and felt a part of my body twitch or respond? That seems to oppose the character of God very strongly.
I have rolled around on the floor crying and laughing with joy uncontrollable. I have felt the fire of God upon a a group of people, upon myself. I have been slain in the spirit. That felt like the Holy Spirit. Peace, light, pure.
But what about when it is not peaceful? What about when it feels wrong?
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
1 John 4:1
but test them all; hold on to what is good
1 Thessalonians 5:21
Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
Matthew 24:5-8
Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.
Don’t you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
I am far from legalistic. I don't think it's about rules and regulations, but I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't just about the party either.
I still haven't determined which church will be called home.
I am still full of questions that I am taking up in prayer.
Lately Abba has brought friendships back into my life. I've had the ones that have sustained these last 2 years of sickness crazy, but in my isolation many have been weeded away. I feel a new season coming into vision. One where I interact more with people in my life who I have not connected with in awhile. My friend actually came to visit this past weekend and in talking with her God showed me some things that I have been neglecting. Simple things that I kind of stopped doing along the way. Outward signs of my devotion to Him. I feel intensely grateful that He loves me so much that he enabled her to come here and remind me of who I am in Him. She doesn't know it, but our conversation and praying together, and just being with someone I love and trust so much in the Lord, is really pivotal in a way I cannot fully convey.
Another friend is going through a divorce and God has afforded me the opportunity to connect and share and communicate. It is encouraging to have people in my sphere who are genuine and who know me. People who I am invested in and who are invested in me. That is another thing that lacked at the church I last called home. The "friendships" I made there were contingent on my attendance. Once I stepped down from leadership I became invisible. That says to me that the relationships were not genuine. They were for show. Hefty prayers and lovey-dovey declarations that fall to nothing after you get sick or go through hardship. I have 1 actual friend from my time there. 1 out of thousands. 1.
Wow.
Another thing is that there was so much emphasis on healing and on "giving it to Jesus" that you are made to feel guilty if you aren't healed. The attitude is that you must be in some sin or you don't have enough faith if you aren't healed straight away. I once brought a teenager to the front who needed prayer for anxiety attacks. He was prayed over, accepted Christ, and then immediately brushed aside. As if his very real health problems would just be fixed. Easy peasy. I could see the discouragement on his face. He came to get counsel. He came to get prayer. Instead, an arrogant leader basically told him to eff off.
That is NOT Jesus. That is NOT Biblical.
I have been sick for the last 2 years and for a long part of that I felt so guilty. A part of that is Fibromyalgia and the other part is that it was so ingrained in me that if I was sick I didn't have enough faith. I reached out several times and not one response. Now, I'm not one who needs to be babied. I don't feel that it is anyone's responsibility to help me or fix me or be there for me at the drop of a dime. No. But I do expect that if you pastor at a church, or declare yourself a leader, that that means you are a part of shepherding a brethren. That means IT IS your responsibility when your people come to you and ask for help, for prayer. It was stated so many times that we are to pray for the people in our sphere of influence. Well, duh. We should be prayer warriors! BUT, to be told that leadership is not responsible for that is absolute bananas. I call bs. Being on the top tier of some fancy church chain does not validate that you get to ignore the needs of your congregation while you feast on expensive dinners (as observed) and stick to your clique of "upper class" friends in the church body. That is completely false. I personally want to say sorry to you if you ever visited that church (I will not write names but if you were affected there I am sorry) and received a snooty attitude such as that. It is wrong and does not exemplify the Jesus I know.
I am thankful to know Jesus. I am so thankful that He has given me His word as a guide, and that He has given me friendships that are in Him and Him alone. I am grateful that He took me from the dark places I have sought out and found comfort in. I am amazed that He is still teaching me. ;)
I am madly, head over heels in love with God, and I am excited to discover everything He is showing me right now.
More, more, more!
Friday, November 4, 2011
November Already?
Time sure goes by fast. We always muse on that, but do we really get it?
TIME SURE GOES BY FAST.
It was just last Christmas. I remember the back to back infections I went through this time last year. It seemed like it would never ever stop. One issue after another, getting injections every week or two that were supposed to help, but what only made a bad situation worse.
There was so much stumbling around in the dark. So many tears, so much agony over a defeated body and a broken spirit. I was very sad. I was unsure of everything and I only knew pain and fatigue. That was it. It clouded my vision and left a substantial amount of damage to my soul.
Now I still know pain and fatigue. I still know anger and grief and heartache and frustration, but now I also feel the flip side of all of those things. I have more good days then bad most of the time, I have conserved, precious energy that I get to dispense each day, I have relief from constant, recycled stress. I know Jesus and I am in the best love relationship with Him, I have amazing people in my life. I have words, and colors, and sounds. I have rain splashing on the windshield as I drive to get a salted caramel hot chocolate. I have a heart for worship and a song bursting forth as I muse on the favor of Abba in this life.
I am a child of the high King and I am so grateful for that.
My life has changed dramatically from a couple of years ago. My life has changed dramatically from a year ago. But my life IS changed. My life IS changing.
It never stays the same. Instead, it continues on... growing, enduring, opening, sustaining.
Life is good, even when it doesn't feel all that great. ;)
TIME SURE GOES BY FAST.
It was just last Christmas. I remember the back to back infections I went through this time last year. It seemed like it would never ever stop. One issue after another, getting injections every week or two that were supposed to help, but what only made a bad situation worse.
There was so much stumbling around in the dark. So many tears, so much agony over a defeated body and a broken spirit. I was very sad. I was unsure of everything and I only knew pain and fatigue. That was it. It clouded my vision and left a substantial amount of damage to my soul.
Now I still know pain and fatigue. I still know anger and grief and heartache and frustration, but now I also feel the flip side of all of those things. I have more good days then bad most of the time, I have conserved, precious energy that I get to dispense each day, I have relief from constant, recycled stress. I know Jesus and I am in the best love relationship with Him, I have amazing people in my life. I have words, and colors, and sounds. I have rain splashing on the windshield as I drive to get a salted caramel hot chocolate. I have a heart for worship and a song bursting forth as I muse on the favor of Abba in this life.
I am a child of the high King and I am so grateful for that.
My life has changed dramatically from a couple of years ago. My life has changed dramatically from a year ago. But my life IS changed. My life IS changing.
It never stays the same. Instead, it continues on... growing, enduring, opening, sustaining.
Life is good, even when it doesn't feel all that great. ;)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Quote
I saw this on my friend, Ferial's blog and I love it:
"We associate all the fun and excitement and neon coolness of life
with the world and leave God all the boring, discipline-flavored moments.
He's like eating broccoli.
We know it's good for us, but it's still broccoli.
But that can't be right.
GOD IS WILD.
He's constantly saying,
"Let's go find cliffs to jump off of,"
and,
"I know exactly what you need, because, guess what,
I put that need there."
He created my heart and the deepest desires I have,
and there's no yacht or nightclub on the planet that can
access those spots of me like God can.
And besides, he invented sex.
And not just "let's make a baby" sex--He invented
"whoa, the world just tilted on its axis; I can't believe
we get to do that and go to heaven too" sex.
Sometimes we act like we were the ones that discovered it was fun,
like maybe God was in heaven and was surprised to see how
enjoyable we were able to make it.
"Whoa, I created that for procreation purposes;
I had no idea it would be so awesome."
And so we give the world credit for sex
and think that God is only down with the functional version,
but the fun version, the wild version,
that's probably something Marvin Gaye came up with."
- "Telling testimonies that are exciting right up until the moment you became a Christian", Jon Acuff
"We associate all the fun and excitement and neon coolness of life
with the world and leave God all the boring, discipline-flavored moments.
He's like eating broccoli.
We know it's good for us, but it's still broccoli.
But that can't be right.
GOD IS WILD.
He's constantly saying,
"Let's go find cliffs to jump off of,"
and,
"I know exactly what you need, because, guess what,
I put that need there."
He created my heart and the deepest desires I have,
and there's no yacht or nightclub on the planet that can
access those spots of me like God can.
And besides, he invented sex.
And not just "let's make a baby" sex--He invented
"whoa, the world just tilted on its axis; I can't believe
we get to do that and go to heaven too" sex.
Sometimes we act like we were the ones that discovered it was fun,
like maybe God was in heaven and was surprised to see how
enjoyable we were able to make it.
"Whoa, I created that for procreation purposes;
I had no idea it would be so awesome."
And so we give the world credit for sex
and think that God is only down with the functional version,
but the fun version, the wild version,
that's probably something Marvin Gaye came up with."
- "Telling testimonies that are exciting right up until the moment you became a Christian", Jon Acuff
Thursday, October 20, 2011
"God's smile is not for the healthy hiker who boasts that he made the journey alone. It is, instead, for the crippled leper who begs God for a back on which to ride."
Below is a journal entry from the other day. Amazing how God can take a dismal mood and create an outpouring of joy by the end! Incredible!
10/18/2011
Everything is stressing me out and I feel furious. I'm irritated at the way my heart beats, frantic for no reason whatsoever. Why don't they show that in the Lyrica commercials?!
I cannot force myself to be magically better. I know I have to rest. I know I have to heal. I know I have legitimate physical disabilities that keep me locked in place...
FOR NOW.
Lord, help me to reign in this feeling of drowning, of being caged, of being lost. Realign my heart with yours. Let me see myself the way you see me. A part of me senses that certain people think that if I just try I will get better. I want to scream. I "try" every damn day! I want to have a job. I want to have my independence back.
How can I plan to go to Paris someday when I cannot even lift my own orange juice?!
Oh Jesus, I feel no joy right now. I recognize my blessings but I can't seem to marinate in them right now. All I feel is anger and annoyance.
I am glad for the blessings. I recognize how very fortunate I am and still anger lashes out of me in hot spurts.
Anguish.
Of the soul.
Annoyance over what others pretend to be. So exhausted of peoples stipulations. I want to be away. I want to be on foreign soil. I want to write. I want to read books. I want to enjoy the loveliness of nature while sitting alone on a park bench.
Will I ever be be free? Free from Fibromyalgia? Free from myself?
Right now I yield. I say "okay" to what I need to do, what feels like defeat... my stepping stone to the future before me. I need to take my own advice.
I am 31 years old. I still have time. I didn't go to Paris when I was 18 like a friend and I had planned. I cannot work right now. I am financially dependent on my parents. I am lucky to have parents. But God, you move mountains. You strike the night sky with thunder and lightening and you pour water from the clouds. You say and it becomes.
This is a bedroom filled with stuff. This is a place to rest. This is my refuge because You are here. I am not lost, I am not alone. I am not stuck. I am in motion, I am being weaned of myself and brought to my face before you. I am found ONLY because I have lost and continue to lose. I am honored to be rebuked by you. I am honored to know this unbreakable love you have for me. I am perfumed in the most fragrant of your oils.
I WILL be healed. I will walk the nations. I will pray out the prophetic dreams you have placed within me. I will speak your truth and watch lives change.
I will always be Yours. You know my failures, every single one. You know the anger I carry, the sadness, the joy. You know my every impurity and you know my every motive- good and bad.
I am guilty of so much sin and still you choose me everyday. You wipe the slate clean and you remind me that I am yours FOREVER.
Not just when I'm walking right. Not just when I attend church. Not just when I sing to you. I am yours ALL THE TIME. When I make unwise choices you are there. When I pick a fight or hurt with my tongue, you offer forgiveness and you show me how to ask that others would forgive me.
You bring wholeness to what was broken. You've redeemed my life from the pit. A real dark and ugly pit. You have stolen my heart and ravaged my soul for your cause.
I am sold out. I am in the romance of a lifetime.
Every decision I have made has been under your careful, watchful eye. I have gone down some beaten paths and you have chided me back on the way I should go. You are involved. You are enveloping me in an embrace I will never want to remove myself from.
You have brought victory where there was only defeat. You have claimed my life. You have romanced me with the brilliance of your Son.
I AM FREE. I am not caged. I am able to go through the impossible ways because you part the sea! You fight my foes, you avenge me. You make ALL things possible.
I trust you. I believe you. I hear you. I am loved. I am a survivor. This is nothing in comparison to your victory.
WOW.
My knee shall ever bow before you. I am in awe of you. I am in love with you. There can be no compromise. You ask for ALL of me.
How could I ever say no to a God who has saved my very life?
There is sincerely no other place I enjoy more then in your presence. I love to sit beside you, leaning against you. I love how sometimes we don't even speak- you just hold me and I know it's all going to be okay. More than okay. I love how I am always invited into your courts. I love how you let me feel you and hear you and move with you.
More Abba, more!
I am hungry! I am so hungry for you! I want more. I want you, Jesus. Not church, not books, YOU. I want your presence always. I want the sweetness of relationship with you.
Come, Lord, come.
Long ago I wrote you a letter asking you to take all of me. I told you that I wanted to surrender all of myself to you. I signed that letter. That was a commitment to you and I shan't be stunned when you answer that prayer. Take it. Take it. Take it.
"To love and to be loved is the bedrock of our existence. But love must also flex and adapt. Rigid love is not true love. It is veiled manipulation, a conditional time bomb that explodes when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits! It isn't pushy or demanding. While it has its limits, its boundaries are far-reaching. It neither clutches nor clings. Real love is not shortsighted, selfish, or insensitive. It detects needs and does what is best for the other person without being told."
1 Corinthians 13:7
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
10/20/2011
I have swung from two extremes. Before I got sick I was constantly exhausted. I was a people-pleaser. I said yes with my mouth far too often. Did no even exist back than? Not for me. I said yes to commitments and put my needs at the bottom. I thought that was what a good Christian woman did.
Then I got sick and I realized that I needed to learn how to embrace the word no. It has not been easy. I continued to be a yes person for months and months, and then when my health made the "yes" impossible, my mantra became "maybe".
I lived in "maybe" for a long time. Far longer then I should have. I put off facing my illnesses for as long as I could.
Living in "maybe" brought resentment and anger and fear and loneliness. For every maybe I felt the loss of my old self over and over and over. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
And somewhere in the "maybe" I started to get selfish. At first I thought that was a good thing. What better way to learn "no" then to be selfish? I didn't know I was being selfish. My eyes were closed. I only knew the desperation to not live as a yes or a maybe anymore. So I clawed my way through and ended up in a place where my needs came first. Not in an obvious way. I was still "nice." I was still me but with some minor tweaks. I read numerous articles and got advice about saying no and not feeling guilty, about learning to take care of myself living with Fibromyalgia.
I never quite mastered that. Ever since I became a believer I wrestled with that. Nowhere in scripture does it ever say that Jesus was selfish. Other Christians would say "God doesn't call us to be doormats." Even before I got sick I pondered that A LOT.
No, no He did not call us to be doormats, but He did call us to serve, to love, to put others ahead of ourselves. He took time away to be with His Father, as we should too, but He also gave and gave and gave.
Some might argue, "well I'm not Jesus. He knows I sin and he doesn't expect me to (insert whatever here)."
But didn't He?
Don't we live to be like Jesus?
So doesn't that mean that we continue to serve? That we continue to love? That we continue to hold others above ourselves?
Even when we are broken....
even when we are sick...
even when we don't feel like it...
I'm not saying we shouldn't take care of ourselves, and obviously there are very real limitations we may have. There are very real limitations I do have, but I am tired of living in a selfish place.
Right now I am transitioning into "no."
No to schedules.
No to activities that will suck away at Fibromyalgia and leave me worse for the wear.
No to commitments deemed important in churches or by people.
When I first got sick and couldn't make it to a church function, someone told me proudly, "well when I am not feeling well I just show up and do it anyway."
Boy, oh boy did I feel bad! I felt like I must be the worst person to not be able to hack it. She must have been more spiritual. She must have been better the me.
Now I realize that she was wrong.
I am not called to a church function.
I am not called to a party.
I am not called to to-do's.
I am called to love.
I am called to compassion.
I am called to justice.
I am called to heal.
I am called to pray.
I am called to set the captives free.
I am called to HIM.
Doesn't that just make someone want to break down in awe? It breaks me. Every single time. Literally I sit here choked up. God is amazing. AMAZING.
I have come out of "maybe" only recently. Something is clicking and I am understanding that my health is important. More important then I have wanted to validate. I am sitting when I need to, laying down when I need to, being alone so I don't lash out when I need to... and I'm still making mistakes! I still get angry, I still say mean things, I still judge in my heart when I don't want to, I am still imperfect, and that is okay. It is okay because God knows everything about me and He chose me anyway. I have been camping out in "no" for only a short time, and I can already tell this is not where I am called to be.
I am not called to be selfish or self-focused. That is a lie. That is wrong.
So what is the middle ground?
Maybe it is to be responsible? To be open?
Because I know that sometimes "no" is valid, but I pray I will always, always, always leap to "yes" when God is calling me to love on someone else.
Not a building, not a program, not a job, not for status...
but for Him.
Below is a journal entry from the other day. Amazing how God can take a dismal mood and create an outpouring of joy by the end! Incredible!
10/18/2011
Everything is stressing me out and I feel furious. I'm irritated at the way my heart beats, frantic for no reason whatsoever. Why don't they show that in the Lyrica commercials?!
I cannot force myself to be magically better. I know I have to rest. I know I have to heal. I know I have legitimate physical disabilities that keep me locked in place...
FOR NOW.
Lord, help me to reign in this feeling of drowning, of being caged, of being lost. Realign my heart with yours. Let me see myself the way you see me. A part of me senses that certain people think that if I just try I will get better. I want to scream. I "try" every damn day! I want to have a job. I want to have my independence back.
How can I plan to go to Paris someday when I cannot even lift my own orange juice?!
Oh Jesus, I feel no joy right now. I recognize my blessings but I can't seem to marinate in them right now. All I feel is anger and annoyance.
I am glad for the blessings. I recognize how very fortunate I am and still anger lashes out of me in hot spurts.
Anguish.
Of the soul.
Annoyance over what others pretend to be. So exhausted of peoples stipulations. I want to be away. I want to be on foreign soil. I want to write. I want to read books. I want to enjoy the loveliness of nature while sitting alone on a park bench.
Will I ever be be free? Free from Fibromyalgia? Free from myself?
Right now I yield. I say "okay" to what I need to do, what feels like defeat... my stepping stone to the future before me. I need to take my own advice.
I am 31 years old. I still have time. I didn't go to Paris when I was 18 like a friend and I had planned. I cannot work right now. I am financially dependent on my parents. I am lucky to have parents. But God, you move mountains. You strike the night sky with thunder and lightening and you pour water from the clouds. You say and it becomes.
This is a bedroom filled with stuff. This is a place to rest. This is my refuge because You are here. I am not lost, I am not alone. I am not stuck. I am in motion, I am being weaned of myself and brought to my face before you. I am found ONLY because I have lost and continue to lose. I am honored to be rebuked by you. I am honored to know this unbreakable love you have for me. I am perfumed in the most fragrant of your oils.
I WILL be healed. I will walk the nations. I will pray out the prophetic dreams you have placed within me. I will speak your truth and watch lives change.
I will always be Yours. You know my failures, every single one. You know the anger I carry, the sadness, the joy. You know my every impurity and you know my every motive- good and bad.
I am guilty of so much sin and still you choose me everyday. You wipe the slate clean and you remind me that I am yours FOREVER.
Not just when I'm walking right. Not just when I attend church. Not just when I sing to you. I am yours ALL THE TIME. When I make unwise choices you are there. When I pick a fight or hurt with my tongue, you offer forgiveness and you show me how to ask that others would forgive me.
You bring wholeness to what was broken. You've redeemed my life from the pit. A real dark and ugly pit. You have stolen my heart and ravaged my soul for your cause.
I am sold out. I am in the romance of a lifetime.
Every decision I have made has been under your careful, watchful eye. I have gone down some beaten paths and you have chided me back on the way I should go. You are involved. You are enveloping me in an embrace I will never want to remove myself from.
You have brought victory where there was only defeat. You have claimed my life. You have romanced me with the brilliance of your Son.
I AM FREE. I am not caged. I am able to go through the impossible ways because you part the sea! You fight my foes, you avenge me. You make ALL things possible.
I trust you. I believe you. I hear you. I am loved. I am a survivor. This is nothing in comparison to your victory.
WOW.
My knee shall ever bow before you. I am in awe of you. I am in love with you. There can be no compromise. You ask for ALL of me.
How could I ever say no to a God who has saved my very life?
There is sincerely no other place I enjoy more then in your presence. I love to sit beside you, leaning against you. I love how sometimes we don't even speak- you just hold me and I know it's all going to be okay. More than okay. I love how I am always invited into your courts. I love how you let me feel you and hear you and move with you.
More Abba, more!
I am hungry! I am so hungry for you! I want more. I want you, Jesus. Not church, not books, YOU. I want your presence always. I want the sweetness of relationship with you.
Come, Lord, come.
Long ago I wrote you a letter asking you to take all of me. I told you that I wanted to surrender all of myself to you. I signed that letter. That was a commitment to you and I shan't be stunned when you answer that prayer. Take it. Take it. Take it.
"To love and to be loved is the bedrock of our existence. But love must also flex and adapt. Rigid love is not true love. It is veiled manipulation, a conditional time bomb that explodes when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits! It isn't pushy or demanding. While it has its limits, its boundaries are far-reaching. It neither clutches nor clings. Real love is not shortsighted, selfish, or insensitive. It detects needs and does what is best for the other person without being told."
1 Corinthians 13:7
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
10/20/2011
I have swung from two extremes. Before I got sick I was constantly exhausted. I was a people-pleaser. I said yes with my mouth far too often. Did no even exist back than? Not for me. I said yes to commitments and put my needs at the bottom. I thought that was what a good Christian woman did.
Then I got sick and I realized that I needed to learn how to embrace the word no. It has not been easy. I continued to be a yes person for months and months, and then when my health made the "yes" impossible, my mantra became "maybe".
I lived in "maybe" for a long time. Far longer then I should have. I put off facing my illnesses for as long as I could.
Living in "maybe" brought resentment and anger and fear and loneliness. For every maybe I felt the loss of my old self over and over and over. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
And somewhere in the "maybe" I started to get selfish. At first I thought that was a good thing. What better way to learn "no" then to be selfish? I didn't know I was being selfish. My eyes were closed. I only knew the desperation to not live as a yes or a maybe anymore. So I clawed my way through and ended up in a place where my needs came first. Not in an obvious way. I was still "nice." I was still me but with some minor tweaks. I read numerous articles and got advice about saying no and not feeling guilty, about learning to take care of myself living with Fibromyalgia.
I never quite mastered that. Ever since I became a believer I wrestled with that. Nowhere in scripture does it ever say that Jesus was selfish. Other Christians would say "God doesn't call us to be doormats." Even before I got sick I pondered that A LOT.
No, no He did not call us to be doormats, but He did call us to serve, to love, to put others ahead of ourselves. He took time away to be with His Father, as we should too, but He also gave and gave and gave.
Some might argue, "well I'm not Jesus. He knows I sin and he doesn't expect me to (insert whatever here)."
But didn't He?
Don't we live to be like Jesus?
So doesn't that mean that we continue to serve? That we continue to love? That we continue to hold others above ourselves?
Even when we are broken....
even when we are sick...
even when we don't feel like it...
I'm not saying we shouldn't take care of ourselves, and obviously there are very real limitations we may have. There are very real limitations I do have, but I am tired of living in a selfish place.
Right now I am transitioning into "no."
No to schedules.
No to activities that will suck away at Fibromyalgia and leave me worse for the wear.
No to commitments deemed important in churches or by people.
When I first got sick and couldn't make it to a church function, someone told me proudly, "well when I am not feeling well I just show up and do it anyway."
Boy, oh boy did I feel bad! I felt like I must be the worst person to not be able to hack it. She must have been more spiritual. She must have been better the me.
Now I realize that she was wrong.
I am not called to a church function.
I am not called to a party.
I am not called to to-do's.
I am called to love.
I am called to compassion.
I am called to justice.
I am called to heal.
I am called to pray.
I am called to set the captives free.
I am called to HIM.
Doesn't that just make someone want to break down in awe? It breaks me. Every single time. Literally I sit here choked up. God is amazing. AMAZING.
I have come out of "maybe" only recently. Something is clicking and I am understanding that my health is important. More important then I have wanted to validate. I am sitting when I need to, laying down when I need to, being alone so I don't lash out when I need to... and I'm still making mistakes! I still get angry, I still say mean things, I still judge in my heart when I don't want to, I am still imperfect, and that is okay. It is okay because God knows everything about me and He chose me anyway. I have been camping out in "no" for only a short time, and I can already tell this is not where I am called to be.
I am not called to be selfish or self-focused. That is a lie. That is wrong.
So what is the middle ground?
Maybe it is to be responsible? To be open?
Because I know that sometimes "no" is valid, but I pray I will always, always, always leap to "yes" when God is calling me to love on someone else.
Not a building, not a program, not a job, not for status...
but for Him.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I saw the movie 50/50 yesterday and I had tears the whole time.
I don't have cancer but I believe the film hits home when conveying the spiral and shock that comes along with a diagnosis.
Since I got sick a couple of years ago it has been a roller coaster of emotions and my lifestyle has completely changed.
I think back to those earlier days... the anxiety, the not knowing what was going on with my body.... why was I bleeding from strange places? Why was I so tired? Why was I vomiting for no reason? Why was I in such pain all day, every single day? It was a nightmare. A time when doctors looked at me with expressionless eyes, waving me away because there was no definitive answer, a time of being stabbed with needles in a vain attempt to feel better with injections, a time where places of MY body were violated so that we could possibly get a name for what was happening.
Finally, finally after almost a year of emergency room visits and being too sick to carry on a normal lifestyle I was told I had Fibromyalgia.
Then it became another attempt to find a doctor who would treat me.
When it became apparent that I wasn't going to get treatment through the state, I researched online and found a Fibro clinic near my home at the time.
I was finally OFFICIALLY diagnosed in March of this year.
Yes, it took from November 2009 to March of 2011 to be diagnosed by a rheumatologist and internal medicine doctor.
From that point on numerous labs were taken and I was started on a prescription and supplement program designed to rebuild my weak immune system (working at 12%)and hopefully get the viruses and candida under control so that the Fibro would become manageable.
I was told that it would take about a year to start seeing results. The doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was responding to treatment. However, at the time I had not made the necessary changes in my personal life to aid my wellness pursuit. I had stopped going out, stopped pretending to fit into that old world that didn't accept me how I was BUT California was chaotic. I was unwilling to let go of the child I had taken care of since she was 2 months old.
And then in August the time came. I had felt it moving closer and closer, that inevitable decision to move loomed over my head and suddenly I was making plans to drive across the country and let go of California. It was an easy decision to make, but the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would watch Mylie sleep and wonder how I could ever leave her.
Now I am here in North Carolina and the recovery after the drive was quite long. When I got here and the adrenaline wore off I felt as if I had never gotten treatment in the first place. Gone was ANY energy I had, gone was ANY desire to be a part of anything. I just felt slammed again.
It has been 2 months today since that U-haul trailer hit California soil and traveled the expanse of miles. My mind reels.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my "recovery" is inching back. I feel a spark here and there. This last week alone I went out 3 days in a row! I even drove myself, and while driving can be a little daunting (especially at night) I did it! I have found a possible home church, I have gone walking when able, and I have been learning so much about myself and about how to accommodate my illness.
My fellow fibro warrior has taught me a few of her tricks, such as marinating in bed awhile after waking up. Usually I would bounce out, race to the bathroom, choke down all the meds and start the day in a frenzied rush.
Why?
It's simple.
My body doesn't operate that way anymore and it hasn't for a long time. Poor thing. I have been driving it to the absolute brink, even when I have told myself I was resting.
Ha! I was fooling myself.
The definition of resting is:
"Cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.
Remain or be left in a specified condition: "rest assured".
So now I have started to rest. I am so thankful to have teachers in everyone around me- from the birds to the trees to the children to the friends to the family and all else. I am blessed to be privy to such amazing insight every single day.
I have my fair share of annoyances or bad moods. I have times where it feels dismal and I want to throw in the towel. I get easily frustrated, especially at myself. I have been so hesitant to be labeled as a "sicky," that somewhere along the way I stopped trying to understand that I AM SICK, and there is NO shame in that.
While watching 50/50 (*spoiler alert for those of you wanting to watch this film) my heart ached. I felt him as he sat across from the doctor who told him with no emotion of his diagnosis. When that happens time stops still and a disconnect occurs. The healthy world and you. That's it. Black and white. It all becomes muted in the face of a lifetime sentence.
Then I watched as his friends and family found out and they fumbled with words and their own grief. I watched as he tried to comfort them in the midst of his own disbelief and shock, and I remembered how that felt. To be strong while others fall apart at your health crisis. I remembered the aggravation I felt when people wouldn't let me be. They needed answers, they wanted to offer me solutions to a problem they couldn't quite equate.
I watched as he lost people who he thought were there for him. People he thought would be there, but who dismissed him when he no longer belonged in their world.
Then he started to meet others who were going through what he went through...
my throat aches with unshed tears.
THIS is what makes illness bearable on the worst of days.
Knowing others who are with you in this (whatever it is for you). People who understand when you are too sick to move, people who can make you laugh, people who teach you how to survive. Terminal or not, any life-changing condition WILL rock your entire world. It helps in a way I cannot describe to have fellow fighters alongside of you.
I watched as he told himself and others that he was fine. I've been there. The shock, then the anger. I listened as he was told by someone, "I don't need you to take care of me." There is a freedom song when someone tells you that. Being sick constantly is a burden and there are so many feelings of guilt and shame that tend to sneak up in you. When you have someone in your life who allows you to be who you are, uglies and all, it provides immense support.
I cried as he went through an isolation phase, and watched as he reached out to his parents for help. I thought of how true it is, that when everyone else fails us, our parents (hopefully) remain. They love us like no other people do.
I cried as he prepared for surgery and the possibility that he could die during it, and as he screamed at the top of his lungs in the car I recalled many moments where I could only scream, or wail or cry as all of the feelings collided and spilled out and over one another.
I felt a deep, deep gratitude for my friends and family who have attempted to understand this with me. In the movie he uncovers a book in his best friend's bathroom, notes and all scrawled inside. He had been under the impression that all his friend cared about was something else, and then he discovered that all along his friend had been grieving on his own.
It makes me understand that people do love me. People have tried to understand. People have come alongside me. That means everything to me.
I'm full of emotion.
It was just a movie, but at the same time it wasn't. It was another teacher, and I am so full of appreciation for what is in my life.
I am not 100% and I may never be 100% again, but I am somewhere on the road to managing my illness and that is amazing.
I don't have cancer but I believe the film hits home when conveying the spiral and shock that comes along with a diagnosis.
Since I got sick a couple of years ago it has been a roller coaster of emotions and my lifestyle has completely changed.
I think back to those earlier days... the anxiety, the not knowing what was going on with my body.... why was I bleeding from strange places? Why was I so tired? Why was I vomiting for no reason? Why was I in such pain all day, every single day? It was a nightmare. A time when doctors looked at me with expressionless eyes, waving me away because there was no definitive answer, a time of being stabbed with needles in a vain attempt to feel better with injections, a time where places of MY body were violated so that we could possibly get a name for what was happening.
Finally, finally after almost a year of emergency room visits and being too sick to carry on a normal lifestyle I was told I had Fibromyalgia.
Then it became another attempt to find a doctor who would treat me.
When it became apparent that I wasn't going to get treatment through the state, I researched online and found a Fibro clinic near my home at the time.
I was finally OFFICIALLY diagnosed in March of this year.
Yes, it took from November 2009 to March of 2011 to be diagnosed by a rheumatologist and internal medicine doctor.
From that point on numerous labs were taken and I was started on a prescription and supplement program designed to rebuild my weak immune system (working at 12%)and hopefully get the viruses and candida under control so that the Fibro would become manageable.
I was told that it would take about a year to start seeing results. The doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was responding to treatment. However, at the time I had not made the necessary changes in my personal life to aid my wellness pursuit. I had stopped going out, stopped pretending to fit into that old world that didn't accept me how I was BUT California was chaotic. I was unwilling to let go of the child I had taken care of since she was 2 months old.
And then in August the time came. I had felt it moving closer and closer, that inevitable decision to move loomed over my head and suddenly I was making plans to drive across the country and let go of California. It was an easy decision to make, but the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would watch Mylie sleep and wonder how I could ever leave her.
Now I am here in North Carolina and the recovery after the drive was quite long. When I got here and the adrenaline wore off I felt as if I had never gotten treatment in the first place. Gone was ANY energy I had, gone was ANY desire to be a part of anything. I just felt slammed again.
It has been 2 months today since that U-haul trailer hit California soil and traveled the expanse of miles. My mind reels.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my "recovery" is inching back. I feel a spark here and there. This last week alone I went out 3 days in a row! I even drove myself, and while driving can be a little daunting (especially at night) I did it! I have found a possible home church, I have gone walking when able, and I have been learning so much about myself and about how to accommodate my illness.
My fellow fibro warrior has taught me a few of her tricks, such as marinating in bed awhile after waking up. Usually I would bounce out, race to the bathroom, choke down all the meds and start the day in a frenzied rush.
Why?
It's simple.
My body doesn't operate that way anymore and it hasn't for a long time. Poor thing. I have been driving it to the absolute brink, even when I have told myself I was resting.
Ha! I was fooling myself.
The definition of resting is:
"Cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.
Remain or be left in a specified condition: "rest assured".
So now I have started to rest. I am so thankful to have teachers in everyone around me- from the birds to the trees to the children to the friends to the family and all else. I am blessed to be privy to such amazing insight every single day.
I have my fair share of annoyances or bad moods. I have times where it feels dismal and I want to throw in the towel. I get easily frustrated, especially at myself. I have been so hesitant to be labeled as a "sicky," that somewhere along the way I stopped trying to understand that I AM SICK, and there is NO shame in that.
While watching 50/50 (*spoiler alert for those of you wanting to watch this film) my heart ached. I felt him as he sat across from the doctor who told him with no emotion of his diagnosis. When that happens time stops still and a disconnect occurs. The healthy world and you. That's it. Black and white. It all becomes muted in the face of a lifetime sentence.
Then I watched as his friends and family found out and they fumbled with words and their own grief. I watched as he tried to comfort them in the midst of his own disbelief and shock, and I remembered how that felt. To be strong while others fall apart at your health crisis. I remembered the aggravation I felt when people wouldn't let me be. They needed answers, they wanted to offer me solutions to a problem they couldn't quite equate.
I watched as he lost people who he thought were there for him. People he thought would be there, but who dismissed him when he no longer belonged in their world.
Then he started to meet others who were going through what he went through...
my throat aches with unshed tears.
THIS is what makes illness bearable on the worst of days.
Knowing others who are with you in this (whatever it is for you). People who understand when you are too sick to move, people who can make you laugh, people who teach you how to survive. Terminal or not, any life-changing condition WILL rock your entire world. It helps in a way I cannot describe to have fellow fighters alongside of you.
I watched as he told himself and others that he was fine. I've been there. The shock, then the anger. I listened as he was told by someone, "I don't need you to take care of me." There is a freedom song when someone tells you that. Being sick constantly is a burden and there are so many feelings of guilt and shame that tend to sneak up in you. When you have someone in your life who allows you to be who you are, uglies and all, it provides immense support.
I cried as he went through an isolation phase, and watched as he reached out to his parents for help. I thought of how true it is, that when everyone else fails us, our parents (hopefully) remain. They love us like no other people do.
I cried as he prepared for surgery and the possibility that he could die during it, and as he screamed at the top of his lungs in the car I recalled many moments where I could only scream, or wail or cry as all of the feelings collided and spilled out and over one another.
I felt a deep, deep gratitude for my friends and family who have attempted to understand this with me. In the movie he uncovers a book in his best friend's bathroom, notes and all scrawled inside. He had been under the impression that all his friend cared about was something else, and then he discovered that all along his friend had been grieving on his own.
It makes me understand that people do love me. People have tried to understand. People have come alongside me. That means everything to me.
I'm full of emotion.
It was just a movie, but at the same time it wasn't. It was another teacher, and I am so full of appreciation for what is in my life.
I am not 100% and I may never be 100% again, but I am somewhere on the road to managing my illness and that is amazing.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday
Today finds me with the weight of fatigue cast over my body like a heavy cloak. I am not sure why I've been having such a difficult time lately. The only conclusion I can draw upon is that as the candida dies off the more sick I feel. I recall my doctors telling me this may happen as the different medications combat the candida, and kill it off. That means it is working!
I was without 2 medications for a good while as I waited for it to arrive from California and so my body started to bloat and turn against me in a major way. I woke up one morning with that rib crushing pain, and intense nausea. Yesterday I felt like I was on fire, though my skin was cool to the touch. There was a churning in my stomach, as if it were being ground into tiny pieces. It was horrendous. I felt light-headed and thought I would pass out a time or two, but I did not. Thank goodness!
Tonight my mom cooked my most favorite dinner (roast beef) and I have decided to check out another church in town. I have visited one since I moved here, and it was a lovely place. I immediately felt drawn to it and decided I would definitely pick there as my home church. Then I realized I was being impatient and not waiting on the Lord. So Aaron found out about another church when he went to social services. It has a main campus about 30 minutes from home which meets on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings, and a sister campus about 15 minutes away which meets on Thursdays evenings. My mom also drove by another church which I may check out (if my body allows) this weekend. I don't feel like doing anything right now, but I am pushing myself just enough. It's important to get out occasionally (I go out maybe once a week, two if it is a good week- and only to the store or church). It does a lot mentally to maintain a sliver of normalcy, such as driving by myself (which I am able to do sometimes) or being out in the real world. I often feel quarantined and away from society. That is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the internet enables friendships to begin and grow, and also boasts online sermons and an ample variety of worship music. Still, little "field trips" like tonight are freeing.
I am excited and at the same time I don't want to get my hopes too high. I am still sifting through what Abba is having me do through this season. I know I am called to "the wilderness" but I also know I run the risk of isolation and being even more available for the enemy to attack is I stay away from church altogether. So for now my decision is to be open-minded and to remain in prayer about all of the things stirring in my mind. When He calls me to a specific church I will know... just like I did in California. Certain peeves aside, I do miss my home church. I miss the atmosphere of Holy Spirit rain and the joy that was found just by sitting in surrender. I love worshiping almost more then anything else, and being surrounded by other believers singing, crying, laughing, and groaning with the power of the Holy Spirit is like a tiny glimpse into the heavenlies. I adore it.
Mylie has grown SO much since I saw her last on August 16, 2011. We talk frequently and skype when we can, but it is not enough. I miss her everyday, all the time. She's so precious.
Until next time!
I was without 2 medications for a good while as I waited for it to arrive from California and so my body started to bloat and turn against me in a major way. I woke up one morning with that rib crushing pain, and intense nausea. Yesterday I felt like I was on fire, though my skin was cool to the touch. There was a churning in my stomach, as if it were being ground into tiny pieces. It was horrendous. I felt light-headed and thought I would pass out a time or two, but I did not. Thank goodness!
Tonight my mom cooked my most favorite dinner (roast beef) and I have decided to check out another church in town. I have visited one since I moved here, and it was a lovely place. I immediately felt drawn to it and decided I would definitely pick there as my home church. Then I realized I was being impatient and not waiting on the Lord. So Aaron found out about another church when he went to social services. It has a main campus about 30 minutes from home which meets on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings, and a sister campus about 15 minutes away which meets on Thursdays evenings. My mom also drove by another church which I may check out (if my body allows) this weekend. I don't feel like doing anything right now, but I am pushing myself just enough. It's important to get out occasionally (I go out maybe once a week, two if it is a good week- and only to the store or church). It does a lot mentally to maintain a sliver of normalcy, such as driving by myself (which I am able to do sometimes) or being out in the real world. I often feel quarantined and away from society. That is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the internet enables friendships to begin and grow, and also boasts online sermons and an ample variety of worship music. Still, little "field trips" like tonight are freeing.
I am excited and at the same time I don't want to get my hopes too high. I am still sifting through what Abba is having me do through this season. I know I am called to "the wilderness" but I also know I run the risk of isolation and being even more available for the enemy to attack is I stay away from church altogether. So for now my decision is to be open-minded and to remain in prayer about all of the things stirring in my mind. When He calls me to a specific church I will know... just like I did in California. Certain peeves aside, I do miss my home church. I miss the atmosphere of Holy Spirit rain and the joy that was found just by sitting in surrender. I love worshiping almost more then anything else, and being surrounded by other believers singing, crying, laughing, and groaning with the power of the Holy Spirit is like a tiny glimpse into the heavenlies. I adore it.
Mylie has grown SO much since I saw her last on August 16, 2011. We talk frequently and skype when we can, but it is not enough. I miss her everyday, all the time. She's so precious.
Until next time!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Gratitude List (inspired by Monica):
-the smell of vanilla candles
-my dear friend Alex who understands me like no one else seems to
-my mom
-my dad
-Aaron
-memories <3 -food to eat -redemption -pain medication -technology -books to read -sermons online -The Big Bang Theory episodes -the sweet, sweet encouraging message from La'Tees and our bond transcending the miles -marinating in the fragrance of Jesus newly every day -scripture that is bold and sustaining no matter what -rain and the delicious way it smells -my Snuggie -love in all forms Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Romans 8:1-4
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
-the smell of vanilla candles
-my dear friend Alex who understands me like no one else seems to
-my mom
-my dad
-Aaron
-memories <3 -food to eat -redemption -pain medication -technology -books to read -sermons online -The Big Bang Theory episodes -the sweet, sweet encouraging message from La'Tees and our bond transcending the miles -marinating in the fragrance of Jesus newly every day -scripture that is bold and sustaining no matter what -rain and the delicious way it smells -my Snuggie -love in all forms Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Romans 8:1-4
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Rantings of a Flare
*This post conveys a day in which I felt utterly dismal. It is not a reflection of how I feel on a daily basis, but it does accurately portray what it is like living in a sick body on one of the harder days. Please read only if you can do so without judgment or Christianese. It takes a lot of vulnerability to share my Fibromyalgia experiences, and I wish not to hear unsolicited opinions or advice. I believe in being honest and although I know my God is faithful, I also know He can handle my tears and frustrations. Lets leave the judging to Him. Thank you sincerely.
From my journal on 10/08/2011
I feel like I can't so anything correctly. Math is all wrong. I cry too easily. I feel impatient and demanding and shrill and needy. I miss Mylie. I miss the girls. I miss my church. I miss the past. I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm discontent. I feel that I am a burden to everyone.
1:21pm
I miss Mylie. I fell asleep crying. I can see why I had to go but that doesn't make the guilt go away. I feel like "if, if, if." "If" I didn't get sick I would have still been able to take care of her. "If" I hadn't realized the clique-ish wave at my old church I could have stayed in leadership and still been super involved. But that would mean I wouldn't have woken up and that's the worse choice. This guilt has been eating me alive lately. I sit here after a shower trying to drive up some energy to do anything besides sit here.
I don't feel good enough (*major revelation and crucial to my path to wellness). Being so full of limitations has triggered something so deep within me. I hardly want to write that down. I haven't felt like this in years. All of these healed places in me are being ripped open and the wounds feel fresh.
I've been "officially" sick since November of 2009, but symptoms started as early as 2007. Migraines, extreme exhaustion, vertigo, constant colds and flu viruses for 2 whole years before it fully blew up and erupted all over my carefully constructed life. How long will it take for me to accept it? Feeling so bad does not mean I was not healed.
I have been defined by cultural success. I have had a "role" for my whole life. I was a hard worker. I was efficient. I was fast. I was capable.
Lord, I do not feel worthy anymore. Which to me says I felt I earned my worth rather then accepted Your grace and Your call to live a worthy life in YOU. When did I start condemning myself? I see the difference in my outer self. I have become harsh and critical in spirit. I don't feel loving or love-able on days like these and so I project it onto those closest to me. "Hurt people hurt people." I am engaging in activities that only aid me in harboring these negative emotions. Guilt corners me in and I childishly believe that this one journal entry is going to wipe all of this away.
The powerlessness clings to me. I am alone in my struggle. I sometimes have wondered if You have left me. I am a see saw when it comes to friendships. I don't even know what that word means anymore.
I sit here puzzled. Where did my life go? I feel that I must have displeased You to be enduring such strife with my own body. So much bitterness has lodged itself inside of me. I am a cannon of explosive anger and easily irritated. I can't seem to find myself when it gets like this. I am grateful You can read my heart and know exactly what I mean when my words fail to convey my heart.
Anger coils inside of me right now. I find it frustrating to watch others take their health for granted. It angers me when people complain about trivial matters or having a simple cold or headache. I want to be compassionate and loving but how to do that when faced with this wall? I want to scream and wail and cry.
I don't feel like I can climb out of this pot of guilt. I really, literally see myself as a burden. I no longer speak life. My words are complaints. My heart is wedged with bitterness that won't move left or right. I feel like I am pulling everyone down. I know I cannot stay like this but I don't know how to climb out.
Daniel 6:10
Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.
So I will fill up yet another book about these woes and probably burn it someday like all of the others. Jesus, where is my hope? Where is my drive? I feel like I don't care about anything right now. Like I am destructive and all that I touch becomes soiled. How can I know 100% that those are lies from the enemy and still believe them??? Is my life worth it? Am I worth it to You? Why am I afflicted? I understand trials but this feels like torment.
I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being trapped. I don't think I have fully accepted Fibromyalgia in MY life. I have been so busy trying to be validated and accepted by everyone around me that I have forgotten to accept it for myself.
Can I love myself like this? Maybe that is why I think everyone else sees me as a burden, because I feel like a burden to myself. I know what I am supposed to say and how I shouldn't complain but why? That's not real. What's real is admitting that I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up like I did this morning after 10 hours of slumber, and wish for another 10. I don't want to disappoint my mom when she wants me to go to the store with her. I don't want to be "trapped" inside when the weather outside is perfect for a walk. I don't want to read everyone elses Facebook statuses and watch my own life become stale.
I no longer dream of returning to the Philippines. I no longer feel I could ever have a job again. I no longer can eat what I want or do what I want. I cannot enjoy cold weather like I have my whole life because fibro hates the cold. I hate how my wrist and arm can ache all day for no reason. I hate how I can't even comprehend simple things sometimes and how I forget things as soon as they are said and I'm meant with doubtful gazes, "don't you remember?"
No, no I don't an your palpable disgust at my inability to do so really makes me feel worse. I loathe how my main option is to watch television and I resent that I'd rather do that then read sometimes because it takes the least effort.
I pick fights and I eat all the wrong foods (*Again this is indicative of a flare time not in general). I need sounds to not be loud or hugs to be too hard. I feel immense guilt after stating what I need. Everything is an issue.
My days area fog. Even if I enjoy myself I still find that it has all become a blur. A haze of maybe memories.
I feel obligation- thick as anything. As a Christian, as an auntie, as a daughter. To phone calls and Facebook.
I worry. I worry about if I will have to live off of my parents for the rest of my life. I don't feel fun.
I miss being a "mama." I miss field trips and a car full of youngins, talks and carting them all around. I miss them. I miss us. Those were the relationships I never wanted to break up with. And even though they are still in my life, it's different. Very different. My heart is empty.
Because I would still choose that life. The busy, chaotic, crazy life. It was rich and beautiful and it mattered more to me then this dismal, bland, always gray existence.
And those "babies" weren't mine to keep. I was always going to have to let them go.
I loved that life... of toys crowding the backseat, crammed days of swimming lessons, girl scouts, dance class, etc. I loved my car always full of youth. I loved being a mom even though it was only temporary.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
How do I get there?
Goals.
Laughable.
As Teenagers we were told to make 5 or 10 year plans.
Well what of when
life is interrupted by a diagnosis?
Like mine,
Everything stops.
Changes.
And you have to wait
as life rearranges and
rewrites all around you.
Striking out all of the goals and dreams
you once carried so close to
your heart.
Gone.
10-09-2011
Certain truths get buried as I go through guilt and loss and anger with Fibromyalgia. I have to remember who God says I am when it feels like all is lost.
I AM:
strong
honest
hardworking
a good friend
detailed
compassionate
prayerful
open
kind
loveable
worthy
redeemed
powerful
a leader
tender-hearted
silly
excited for life (ZEST)
mama's heart for all children
willing
in love with Jesus
heart for the nations (Philippines)
encourager
intelligent
fun
lyrical
forgiven
worshiper
"auntie janet"
10-10-2011
I am still in a flare, but slowly (oh so slowly!) coming out of it. My perspective changes with the state of my health. Today I am marinating on these verses (see below) to pull me through.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:7-10
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:1-6
He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.
Psalm 107:7
Check this out! What a promise!!!!
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2
Thank you Job for keepin' it real!
Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
Job 30:26-27
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!
Job 13:15-16
“Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:8-12
If only you would hide me in the grave
and conceal me till your anger has passed!
If only you would set me a time
and then remember me!
If someone dies, will they live again?
All the days of my hard service
I will wait for my renewal[b] to come.
You will call and I will answer you;
you will long for the creature your hands have made.
Surely then you will count my steps
but not keep track of my sin.
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag;
you will cover over my sin.
Job 14:13-17
We can glean SO very much from our brother, Job. What faith!
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:26-27
Here are some things I am working on:
-walking when my body is able.
-eating more greens and NO sugar (once I have one taste the candida has a party and suddenly my body wants only sugar and my gut has expanded exponentially).
-continuing to purge television shows as they reveal themselves to be vile and senseless.
-staying connected to the body of Christ (those in my sphere whom God has called me to be yoked to. Treasured prayer warriors and friends who share the love of Christ) as I pray about which church to commit to. For a season I am being called to "the wilderness," where God is reshaping what church is really about.
-journaling/worshiping/praying/being in the Word
-learning how to accept illness and how it has changed MY life.
Note:
One thing I have been told repeatedly by caring friends who are in the same boat as me, is that when you are chronically ill you MUST let go of ALL negative influences and relationships. It is a true detriment to the current health crisis. With that said...
I don't have time or tolerance for people who speak words without understanding that the pain I speak of is necessary for growth. That the mountaintop experiences are great but honestly quite pale in comparison to the low, low valleys that bring pain and suffering to the surface so that God can come and make something so amazingly beautiful out of it. I'm not looking for a fad or the neatest new book by a Christian author (though there are some incredible ones. Check out "Kisses From Katie"). I am in pursuit of relationship with Jesus. Authentic, pure, and incomparable to anything else that this world has to offer. More then a spouse, more then children, more then my very breath. In order to have that, I must concede to the trials and bring my heartache to the very one who created this body. I wonder how many times God clucks his tongue as we don't take time to grieve with his other children. Fellowship is NOT about meeting at the local Starbucks or having another "awesome" Bible study (although those things are fun and contribute to personal growth). Fellowship is opening up our hearts so, so wide and taking on what the brethren is going through. It is interceding with all of our hearts and relying on the sweet, sweet mercies from our shared heavenly Father. It is meeting someone through blogger and being eternally connected by the blood of Jesus, having a brother or sister to call or text or spill ourselves to in the dead of night, knowing that our human words will not mean as much as those cries to Jesus do. Fellowship is sacrifice. Fellowship is not candles and tidy prayers while we sip our apple ciders (again, these are all things I have experienced and adore) in the comfort of a living room decorated to the nines. Fellowship is messy sometimes. And there it finds its beauty. What is sweeter then the sight of God's children in the dirt together, believing, honoring, carrying one another when life gets too heavy? What a precious sight that would be to our Father's very heart. No Christian lingo, no platitudes, no cultured pats on the back, but sincere worship and gratitude for a King that laid down His lives for us.
Now that is beautiful.
Going through a health crucible is incredibly difficult. There are days of hopelessness and sorrow, when it seems like nothing will ever be bright again just as there are days of extreme hope and full joy in knowing that there will always be a better day ahead. It gets maddening. A continual process of accepting limitations and adhering to them. Some will try to give advice that you don't truly want. Some will start preaching at you with no heart behind it. Some will offer quick fixes they actually believe will work. So many questions will be asked.... "how is your diet?" or "are you exercising?" Even others who struggle with their own health issues can be dismissive because being sick doesn't fit in their lifestyle, so they don't want it to be allowed in yours. You will lose "friends" and you will lose yourself sometimes. It's permissible to question everything. In fact, something way worse may be occurring if you are not facing these times of extreme isolation and fear.
Drop the pride, drop the pretense. Allow the truth of your situation to reveal Jesus in it. That's a challenge, eh? To lay down our agenda... that neat, tidy little thing that prevents us from fully submitting to God?
From my journal on 10/08/2011
I feel like I can't so anything correctly. Math is all wrong. I cry too easily. I feel impatient and demanding and shrill and needy. I miss Mylie. I miss the girls. I miss my church. I miss the past. I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm discontent. I feel that I am a burden to everyone.
1:21pm
I miss Mylie. I fell asleep crying. I can see why I had to go but that doesn't make the guilt go away. I feel like "if, if, if." "If" I didn't get sick I would have still been able to take care of her. "If" I hadn't realized the clique-ish wave at my old church I could have stayed in leadership and still been super involved. But that would mean I wouldn't have woken up and that's the worse choice. This guilt has been eating me alive lately. I sit here after a shower trying to drive up some energy to do anything besides sit here.
I don't feel good enough (*major revelation and crucial to my path to wellness). Being so full of limitations has triggered something so deep within me. I hardly want to write that down. I haven't felt like this in years. All of these healed places in me are being ripped open and the wounds feel fresh.
I've been "officially" sick since November of 2009, but symptoms started as early as 2007. Migraines, extreme exhaustion, vertigo, constant colds and flu viruses for 2 whole years before it fully blew up and erupted all over my carefully constructed life. How long will it take for me to accept it? Feeling so bad does not mean I was not healed.
I have been defined by cultural success. I have had a "role" for my whole life. I was a hard worker. I was efficient. I was fast. I was capable.
Lord, I do not feel worthy anymore. Which to me says I felt I earned my worth rather then accepted Your grace and Your call to live a worthy life in YOU. When did I start condemning myself? I see the difference in my outer self. I have become harsh and critical in spirit. I don't feel loving or love-able on days like these and so I project it onto those closest to me. "Hurt people hurt people." I am engaging in activities that only aid me in harboring these negative emotions. Guilt corners me in and I childishly believe that this one journal entry is going to wipe all of this away.
The powerlessness clings to me. I am alone in my struggle. I sometimes have wondered if You have left me. I am a see saw when it comes to friendships. I don't even know what that word means anymore.
I sit here puzzled. Where did my life go? I feel that I must have displeased You to be enduring such strife with my own body. So much bitterness has lodged itself inside of me. I am a cannon of explosive anger and easily irritated. I can't seem to find myself when it gets like this. I am grateful You can read my heart and know exactly what I mean when my words fail to convey my heart.
Anger coils inside of me right now. I find it frustrating to watch others take their health for granted. It angers me when people complain about trivial matters or having a simple cold or headache. I want to be compassionate and loving but how to do that when faced with this wall? I want to scream and wail and cry.
I don't feel like I can climb out of this pot of guilt. I really, literally see myself as a burden. I no longer speak life. My words are complaints. My heart is wedged with bitterness that won't move left or right. I feel like I am pulling everyone down. I know I cannot stay like this but I don't know how to climb out.
Daniel 6:10
Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.
So I will fill up yet another book about these woes and probably burn it someday like all of the others. Jesus, where is my hope? Where is my drive? I feel like I don't care about anything right now. Like I am destructive and all that I touch becomes soiled. How can I know 100% that those are lies from the enemy and still believe them??? Is my life worth it? Am I worth it to You? Why am I afflicted? I understand trials but this feels like torment.
I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being trapped. I don't think I have fully accepted Fibromyalgia in MY life. I have been so busy trying to be validated and accepted by everyone around me that I have forgotten to accept it for myself.
Can I love myself like this? Maybe that is why I think everyone else sees me as a burden, because I feel like a burden to myself. I know what I am supposed to say and how I shouldn't complain but why? That's not real. What's real is admitting that I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up like I did this morning after 10 hours of slumber, and wish for another 10. I don't want to disappoint my mom when she wants me to go to the store with her. I don't want to be "trapped" inside when the weather outside is perfect for a walk. I don't want to read everyone elses Facebook statuses and watch my own life become stale.
I no longer dream of returning to the Philippines. I no longer feel I could ever have a job again. I no longer can eat what I want or do what I want. I cannot enjoy cold weather like I have my whole life because fibro hates the cold. I hate how my wrist and arm can ache all day for no reason. I hate how I can't even comprehend simple things sometimes and how I forget things as soon as they are said and I'm meant with doubtful gazes, "don't you remember?"
No, no I don't an your palpable disgust at my inability to do so really makes me feel worse. I loathe how my main option is to watch television and I resent that I'd rather do that then read sometimes because it takes the least effort.
I pick fights and I eat all the wrong foods (*Again this is indicative of a flare time not in general). I need sounds to not be loud or hugs to be too hard. I feel immense guilt after stating what I need. Everything is an issue.
My days area fog. Even if I enjoy myself I still find that it has all become a blur. A haze of maybe memories.
I feel obligation- thick as anything. As a Christian, as an auntie, as a daughter. To phone calls and Facebook.
I worry. I worry about if I will have to live off of my parents for the rest of my life. I don't feel fun.
I miss being a "mama." I miss field trips and a car full of youngins, talks and carting them all around. I miss them. I miss us. Those were the relationships I never wanted to break up with. And even though they are still in my life, it's different. Very different. My heart is empty.
Because I would still choose that life. The busy, chaotic, crazy life. It was rich and beautiful and it mattered more to me then this dismal, bland, always gray existence.
And those "babies" weren't mine to keep. I was always going to have to let them go.
I loved that life... of toys crowding the backseat, crammed days of swimming lessons, girl scouts, dance class, etc. I loved my car always full of youth. I loved being a mom even though it was only temporary.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
How do I get there?
Goals.
Laughable.
As Teenagers we were told to make 5 or 10 year plans.
Well what of when
life is interrupted by a diagnosis?
Like mine,
Everything stops.
Changes.
And you have to wait
as life rearranges and
rewrites all around you.
Striking out all of the goals and dreams
you once carried so close to
your heart.
Gone.
10-09-2011
Certain truths get buried as I go through guilt and loss and anger with Fibromyalgia. I have to remember who God says I am when it feels like all is lost.
I AM:
strong
honest
hardworking
a good friend
detailed
compassionate
prayerful
open
kind
loveable
worthy
redeemed
powerful
a leader
tender-hearted
silly
excited for life (ZEST)
mama's heart for all children
willing
in love with Jesus
heart for the nations (Philippines)
encourager
intelligent
fun
lyrical
forgiven
worshiper
"auntie janet"
10-10-2011
I am still in a flare, but slowly (oh so slowly!) coming out of it. My perspective changes with the state of my health. Today I am marinating on these verses (see below) to pull me through.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:7-10
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:1-6
He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.
Psalm 107:7
Check this out! What a promise!!!!
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2
Thank you Job for keepin' it real!
Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
Job 30:26-27
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!
Job 13:15-16
“Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:8-12
If only you would hide me in the grave
and conceal me till your anger has passed!
If only you would set me a time
and then remember me!
If someone dies, will they live again?
All the days of my hard service
I will wait for my renewal[b] to come.
You will call and I will answer you;
you will long for the creature your hands have made.
Surely then you will count my steps
but not keep track of my sin.
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag;
you will cover over my sin.
Job 14:13-17
We can glean SO very much from our brother, Job. What faith!
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:26-27
Here are some things I am working on:
-walking when my body is able.
-eating more greens and NO sugar (once I have one taste the candida has a party and suddenly my body wants only sugar and my gut has expanded exponentially).
-continuing to purge television shows as they reveal themselves to be vile and senseless.
-staying connected to the body of Christ (those in my sphere whom God has called me to be yoked to. Treasured prayer warriors and friends who share the love of Christ) as I pray about which church to commit to. For a season I am being called to "the wilderness," where God is reshaping what church is really about.
-journaling/worshiping/praying/being in the Word
-learning how to accept illness and how it has changed MY life.
Note:
One thing I have been told repeatedly by caring friends who are in the same boat as me, is that when you are chronically ill you MUST let go of ALL negative influences and relationships. It is a true detriment to the current health crisis. With that said...
I don't have time or tolerance for people who speak words without understanding that the pain I speak of is necessary for growth. That the mountaintop experiences are great but honestly quite pale in comparison to the low, low valleys that bring pain and suffering to the surface so that God can come and make something so amazingly beautiful out of it. I'm not looking for a fad or the neatest new book by a Christian author (though there are some incredible ones. Check out "Kisses From Katie"). I am in pursuit of relationship with Jesus. Authentic, pure, and incomparable to anything else that this world has to offer. More then a spouse, more then children, more then my very breath. In order to have that, I must concede to the trials and bring my heartache to the very one who created this body. I wonder how many times God clucks his tongue as we don't take time to grieve with his other children. Fellowship is NOT about meeting at the local Starbucks or having another "awesome" Bible study (although those things are fun and contribute to personal growth). Fellowship is opening up our hearts so, so wide and taking on what the brethren is going through. It is interceding with all of our hearts and relying on the sweet, sweet mercies from our shared heavenly Father. It is meeting someone through blogger and being eternally connected by the blood of Jesus, having a brother or sister to call or text or spill ourselves to in the dead of night, knowing that our human words will not mean as much as those cries to Jesus do. Fellowship is sacrifice. Fellowship is not candles and tidy prayers while we sip our apple ciders (again, these are all things I have experienced and adore) in the comfort of a living room decorated to the nines. Fellowship is messy sometimes. And there it finds its beauty. What is sweeter then the sight of God's children in the dirt together, believing, honoring, carrying one another when life gets too heavy? What a precious sight that would be to our Father's very heart. No Christian lingo, no platitudes, no cultured pats on the back, but sincere worship and gratitude for a King that laid down His lives for us.
Now that is beautiful.
Going through a health crucible is incredibly difficult. There are days of hopelessness and sorrow, when it seems like nothing will ever be bright again just as there are days of extreme hope and full joy in knowing that there will always be a better day ahead. It gets maddening. A continual process of accepting limitations and adhering to them. Some will try to give advice that you don't truly want. Some will start preaching at you with no heart behind it. Some will offer quick fixes they actually believe will work. So many questions will be asked.... "how is your diet?" or "are you exercising?" Even others who struggle with their own health issues can be dismissive because being sick doesn't fit in their lifestyle, so they don't want it to be allowed in yours. You will lose "friends" and you will lose yourself sometimes. It's permissible to question everything. In fact, something way worse may be occurring if you are not facing these times of extreme isolation and fear.
Drop the pride, drop the pretense. Allow the truth of your situation to reveal Jesus in it. That's a challenge, eh? To lay down our agenda... that neat, tidy little thing that prevents us from fully submitting to God?
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