There had been no trauma to that area so it was a complete mystery! I figured it was a rash or something, and after talking with some trusted friends they had me convinced I should maybe see a doctor. My blood sugar was also in diabetes range again so that was another thing to be concerned about. We decided to go and get it checked out.

After a long wait the doctor came in. He was in the room all of 15 seconds when he informed me that I was too young to be on all of the medications I am on. He told me he would recommend me getting off ALL of my medications and starting from scratch.

Um. Okay. Because I did not just go through 2 years of HELL trying to figure out what was going on and why my body was failing me with one infection after another. It was as if I'd somehow jumped into a time machine and was starting back at square one with no one to believe me and another doctor who dismissed me.

He was very patronizing. He said, "well you may have Fibromyalgia but that is a disorder caused by depression where you don't get enough sleep so your muscles don't repair."

Wrong.

Those are elements that come along with this disease, but that is NOT what Fibromyalgia is. There's no easy way to describe it. People see a dumb Lyrica commercial and think they have it figured out. "It's nerves right?" Well, yes, but it is also so much more. It is a breakdown of your entire body and mind. It has no prejudice. It will wipe out your memory, fog your brain, render you unable to stand up for longer then 3 minutes, make you dizzy, allow your poor immune system to catch any old thing, and don't even get me started on the tired. And those are just a few of the things that go wrong with this neuro immune disorder.

Doctor patronizing looked at the dotted blood bruise on my leg and told me that I must have scratched myself during sleep.

Right.

I can barely graze my skin due to the pain and I'm supposed to believe I dragged my nails over it. No way, not possible. It's far too sensitive and if I had been sleeping and scratched, I would have definitely woken up. The pain is that deep.

He told me that I am too young to claim all of these disabilities for the rest of my life. As if I have a choice. As if I want to be disabled. As if I chose this. He said to me, "I can tell by talking with you that you are very bright." Then he left.

I handled it well. No flying tantrum. No anger. Just acceptance. The only reason I could is because I already have gone down this road. I've seen numerous doctors who couldn't diagnose me, who refused to take me seriously, who belittled me. I thought of my Fibro sisters all over the world, and I held my head up high.

It wasn't until I got home that I broke down.

I thought about how the doctor had told me I was very bright but he didn't think I should say I had Fibromyalgia. Does that insinuate that people who are sick, who have Fibro are not bright?

No.

It means people are uneducated about it. It means that we need to work harder to spread the word about it. So many precious people have this disease. So many people struggle for years to get a diagnosis and to find a doctor who will work with them and their specifically tailored ailments. I remembered through a foggy memory ALL of the emergency rooms and appointments and injections and treatments and questions I had when this all started in 2009. ALL of 2010 was spent in hospitals and at clinics. It actually started in 2007, but 2009 is when I took the dip that sent me sliding into the no going back zone. The sick that I never fully recovered from. I thought about how a cocky young doctor could read all the textbooks he wanted, but he wasn't the one who bled from strange places and woke up to strange bruises, and he wasn't the one who had to fight to be heard.

I sobbed for 3 hours. Part of it was the emergency room, and part of it was other stuff. It all blended together and I had a good, hearty cry.

Yesterday I slept in late and when I woke up I felt sort of sluggish. Since that is common with Fibro I just took a shower and got dressed. Then it hit. I had diarrhea and I started throwing up at the same time. 4x in the wastebasket. I was sweating and had hot flashes.... just like I used to. It's been awhile since I had a vomiting attack and a hot flash attack. When it was over I felt so sick. Still I allowed myself to go to church. I knew it would be grand for the mental aspect of things. And it was. The Lord confirmed some things He has been laying on my heart. Specific things that only He has spoken over my life and my heart.

I went home and could not get to sleep last night for anything. Not even after 2 melatonin. Finally around 4am I fell into a restless slumber. I woke up at 7:15am and could not get back to sleep so I read Kisses From Katie, and I remembered....

I remembered how much I love the Philippines. I remembered how much I long to be there. I remembered that there are dreams inside of my heart that the Lord has deposited in there. I remembered how it felt to be on that soil, how much it felt like home to me, and how I sobbed when I had to leave it.... but I was so sure I'd be back soon.

It has been almost 3 years since I was there and I miss it so much. I miss the people, I miss the land, I miss seeing the hand of God move among His people there. It is so very beautiful.

While reading Katie's tale I also started to think a lot about how much I miss "my" kids. I am so grateful that Abba allowed me to be a "mama" to such amazing kids and teenagers. I love each of those precious children so much and I miss the days we had together- laughing and loving each other. It truly was the best of times. I look at photos of that time in my life and my eyes carry a sparkle that can be found only by being obedient to the Lord and working for His kingdom. Many people told me I was wasting my life and that I should get a "real" job. They warned me that I would need social security, that I should do something else. It used to bug me. My security is not in money or in the government or in a job. ALL of those things will fade. The only thing that will last is Jesus and what He has done through my life. I have had many jobs. From the moment I was 16, I worked my butt off. I have had the experience of being a bank teller, a fast food member, a manager a few times, and a myriad of other job titles, and I can honestly say that none of those occupations did for my soul what being a spiritual mama did.

I thrived. I laughed. I loved. I was in my element. Those kids were and still are my world and I learned more from them in 6 years then I ever have in any classroom or in any book.

This was my #1 verse to go to during that beautiful season:
Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.
1 Peter 5:2-3


I have had a lovely, sensational life. The God of the universe has loved me, continued to sweetly break me in, has given me his heartbeat for people, and has brought my dreams into fruition. He is good. He is bigger then a doctor. He is bigger then any disability, and He is bigger then my own mind.

I WILL go back to the Philippines. I will work with kids again.

How can I say that?

I am sick.

I can't handle sounds.

I can't be around crowds.

I can't....

but He has given me this heart and that is what it beats faster for.

To go to the nations.

To live a life not constricted by material possession.

To love children.

To pray.

To bless others.

So I reject that word. I was told I could never work with kids again. I was told I had the back of a 65 year old woman.

No.

No.

No.

My God is able.

My God is faithful.

My God is healer.

I can't...

but He can,

and that is beautiful to a soul lodged in darkness.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4