It has been over 9 months since we packed up that U-Haul and drove across the country to this place. In that short span of time a lot of things have changed for me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I've had to face some inner demons and process sickness in a more profound way, and I've had to let go of some faucets of myself that I thought were lifelong traits to hold on to.
My grip was greedy.
Now it is time for me to return for just a couple of weeks to the place I so desperately wanted to escape from. It sounds illogical but the feeling I have about going back is one of extreme fear and panic. There is little joy involved.
I don't feel ready, but I do know that God has a reason for me to go right now. I pray I will be open to whatever He wants to do through me and in me while I am away.
It is difficult to step away from this safe little cocoon I have settled into here. A much more preferable lifestyle for Fibromyalgia. There were hiccups and bumps, of course. It took over 7 months to get back any sort of equilibrium, and now I am heading straight back into the fray.
I liken it to post traumatic stress. I literally feel like I am going back to a place that violated me.... ripped me apart.
I have to wonder.... after 31 years of living in that one place... that place I called home... (except for my brief time living in Georgia)... is this what I have taken away from it?
Fear?
Anger?
Depression?
Panic?
What about all of the other good things? My family, my childhood, my friends, the kids. What of all of that?
Has it disappeared?
I don't think so, but I know that right now everything still feels too fresh. I don't feel ready. Not by a long shot.
But I didn't feel ready any of the other times God called me to do something, and yet it ended up being exactly where I needed to be.
Please keep me in your prayers, dear friends. That God would go before me and prepare the way, that my heart and eyes and mind will be open, that I will not give in to fear. That I will remember that I only have one authority (Jesus) and that I am not going back to what I left.... that this visit is temporary and I am not chained to anyone or anything.
I am free.
This is also the first time I will be traveling by plane since my official diagnosis'. I did travel once by plane in 2010 but that was when I still did not know what was going on and I still had expectation of getting 100% better. I am as prepared as I can be on my end... ear plugs, ibuprofen, heat wraps, but I still covet prayer for a smooth travel experience.
I can do this...
even afraid, I can do this.
