I woke up wishing I could return to slumber. It's like that generally but some days are much worse then the normal "blah." I'm not sure if it's because I went to the movies last night (again, earplugs save my life)or if it's the stress of next week with all the appointments, my parents leaving, and just being in this waiting zone.
Probably all of it.
Things that get me through everyday:
-Scripture
-Prayer
-Texting/connecting with my online fibro family
-Reading blogs
-Journaling
-Earplugs
Next week is a heavy week. Lord, come swiftly to my side, please.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Light Therapy
Today I had my dermatologist appointment for light therapy. I barely have psoriasis but it helps make it go away. I go back in another month for another treatment. Today we went 15 extra seconds. It's amazing to me that after a minute and 45 seconds it helps so much! Just by light!!!!
My parents are leaving far too soon (in my opinion) next week, and I have appointments galore. Ortho and the Treatment Center on Monday (going to be a long day!) and Ob/Gyn on Tuesday. Until then I am resting. We're going to see a movie tonight and then I'm going to continue watching Private Practice- season 1. I love library rentals!
I drove again this week and I must say I really, really miss having a car. I was so nervous after not driving regularly for 6 months but it's no problem. I am praying for a car so that I can start going to corporate prayer and see the kids more. I know, I know. I tend to get "ahead" of being sick, but honestly all of last year was spent in emergency rooms and not knowing what was next and while it is still like that on a smaller scale, I feel ready to start LIVING WITH JOY again. Only God knows the plan, but I can feel Him peppering my heart for a new season. Hopefully it won't be so brittle!
I am way nervous for the Treatment Center. Half of me is so used to being unheard by medical professionals that I am wondering if my heart will be broken again. I must trust, I must walk ahead, I must do it afraid.
I am definitely going to blog about what was prophesied over me during the conference. Right now it still belongs to me and Jesus.
Psalm 77
1 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.
2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together.
7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will he never smile again?
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten his manners?
Has he angrily stalked off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him."
11-12 Once again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.
16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God,
saw you and trembled with fear;
Deep Ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,
Lightning exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
walked straight through roaring Ocean,
but nobody saw you come or go.
20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,
You led your people like a flock of sheep.
My parents are leaving far too soon (in my opinion) next week, and I have appointments galore. Ortho and the Treatment Center on Monday (going to be a long day!) and Ob/Gyn on Tuesday. Until then I am resting. We're going to see a movie tonight and then I'm going to continue watching Private Practice- season 1. I love library rentals!
I drove again this week and I must say I really, really miss having a car. I was so nervous after not driving regularly for 6 months but it's no problem. I am praying for a car so that I can start going to corporate prayer and see the kids more. I know, I know. I tend to get "ahead" of being sick, but honestly all of last year was spent in emergency rooms and not knowing what was next and while it is still like that on a smaller scale, I feel ready to start LIVING WITH JOY again. Only God knows the plan, but I can feel Him peppering my heart for a new season. Hopefully it won't be so brittle!
I am way nervous for the Treatment Center. Half of me is so used to being unheard by medical professionals that I am wondering if my heart will be broken again. I must trust, I must walk ahead, I must do it afraid.
I am definitely going to blog about what was prophesied over me during the conference. Right now it still belongs to me and Jesus.
Psalm 77
1 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.
2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together.
7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will he never smile again?
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten his manners?
Has he angrily stalked off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him."
11-12 Once again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.
16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God,
saw you and trembled with fear;
Deep Ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,
Lightning exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
walked straight through roaring Ocean,
but nobody saw you come or go.
20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,
You led your people like a flock of sheep.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A lot has gone on lately. I don't even really feel like writing. Some things have been amazing and wonderful- such as attending the annual youth conference at church with 3 of my very favorite teenage girls. God spoke to my heart so much during the conference. I got prophesied over for the 4th (I think) time in my life and God had some confirming things to speak into my spirit. I will expand on that more later. Right now it's between me and Jesus and I'm still praying on everything. Other things have not felt so wonderful.
I don't even remember what I've updated until so I'll just start by saying I had the MRI for my left ankle yesterday. It went well, and I have a follow-up with the ortho doctor on Monday. I guess I will find out if I definitely need surgery.
Last night I was sitting outside on my ottoman chair. It was cold, but I was fine. I noticed my back was on fire, which is not unusual, so I hunched over and kind of folded into myself to try to release some of the pain. I sat like that for about 5-10 minutes, and when I tried to move I realized I was "locked" in place. My fingers were bent and my hands interlaced with one another. It felt like a vise of pain was gripping me from the entire back (hunched over), elbows, arms, hands, and fingers. I was literally stuck. I kept telling myself I could move and was trying to force my fingers to uncurl. As they slowly unbent it felt like they were being ripped off. I had to stop. I was howling in pain.
I sat like that for a good 15-20 minutes. The pizza delivery guy came and dropped off my parents' order. It was beyond embarrassing. I could not move at all. He stopped and asked me if I was alright....
No, I was not.
Finally I could move just a little. My fingers uncurled super slowly and then I was able to sit up. I have absolutely no idea what happened, but it was pretty scary. It's never happened before, but I definitely could not move.
I'm not in the mood to do any of this, but who ever is? I don't feel like going to appointments, and possibly getting surgery, and I am not ready for my parents to go back to NC next Wednesday.
I feel like there is so much going on. NO, there IS so much going on that I cannot stand it. This afternoon I sat in the closet and just sulked to God. I feel tormented by things going on that I have no control over. A dear wonderful friend of mine is going through some major stuff and all I could do was cry and beg God for His intervention. She is a faithful woman of the Lord and I know she trusts God, but I am angry FOR her. But God is her comforter and her deliverer. I must remember this and claim it for her life.
I am thankful for wonderful people and glorious creation. I have seen the heart of God displayed in so many ways over these months, and it is quite astounding. I sit here feeling like my heart is bleeding for these things around me that are so broken and sad, and realize that God's heart is so much more grieved then I could ever possibly understand.
Sometimes life is approached methodically, but there are so many twists and turns I cannot fathom how anyone could live like that. There is so much more freedom in allowing even the unlovely things in life to alter our course. God is dancing over us even as we mourn, and to trust that unwaveringly is the ONLY way I have ever gotten through this past year.
I am shocked that it is already March. Life is happening all around us. It's breathtaking and shocking and heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I don't want to just watch, I want to thrive in the excellence of creation.
I have been getting anxiety attacks and chest pains ever since that first night the police came a couple of weeks ago. I worry. I wonder if going to the Treatment Center next Monday is going to disappoint me. I wonder what is to come in the months ahead. I do not want surgery. I do not want to go in for the light therapy for psoriasis tomorrow. I don't want to see the ob/gyn next week and continue to investigate my mysterious cervical bleeding. I don't want to do any of it.
I just want to sit somewhere beautiful and rest in the love of Jesus.
I am resting. I am waiting. I am believing. I am not ashamed or sorry for being sad. It happens. I have let go of that attitude that says we have to have it together. That's not humility, that's ego. That's pride. I am admitting I am confused, and sad. I don't ever want to come to a place in life where I feel I have "arrived" and no longer need grace and mercy. I do not ever want to be the super Christian woman who never shows MY needs. I've lived that way for a long time. I leave it now.
There is a struggle everyday. Heart and head. Fibromyalgia is real and crippling and all consuming, and I am done fighting for awhile.
I am resting.
I don't even remember what I've updated until so I'll just start by saying I had the MRI for my left ankle yesterday. It went well, and I have a follow-up with the ortho doctor on Monday. I guess I will find out if I definitely need surgery.
Last night I was sitting outside on my ottoman chair. It was cold, but I was fine. I noticed my back was on fire, which is not unusual, so I hunched over and kind of folded into myself to try to release some of the pain. I sat like that for about 5-10 minutes, and when I tried to move I realized I was "locked" in place. My fingers were bent and my hands interlaced with one another. It felt like a vise of pain was gripping me from the entire back (hunched over), elbows, arms, hands, and fingers. I was literally stuck. I kept telling myself I could move and was trying to force my fingers to uncurl. As they slowly unbent it felt like they were being ripped off. I had to stop. I was howling in pain.
I sat like that for a good 15-20 minutes. The pizza delivery guy came and dropped off my parents' order. It was beyond embarrassing. I could not move at all. He stopped and asked me if I was alright....
No, I was not.
Finally I could move just a little. My fingers uncurled super slowly and then I was able to sit up. I have absolutely no idea what happened, but it was pretty scary. It's never happened before, but I definitely could not move.
I'm not in the mood to do any of this, but who ever is? I don't feel like going to appointments, and possibly getting surgery, and I am not ready for my parents to go back to NC next Wednesday.
I feel like there is so much going on. NO, there IS so much going on that I cannot stand it. This afternoon I sat in the closet and just sulked to God. I feel tormented by things going on that I have no control over. A dear wonderful friend of mine is going through some major stuff and all I could do was cry and beg God for His intervention. She is a faithful woman of the Lord and I know she trusts God, but I am angry FOR her. But God is her comforter and her deliverer. I must remember this and claim it for her life.
I am thankful for wonderful people and glorious creation. I have seen the heart of God displayed in so many ways over these months, and it is quite astounding. I sit here feeling like my heart is bleeding for these things around me that are so broken and sad, and realize that God's heart is so much more grieved then I could ever possibly understand.
Sometimes life is approached methodically, but there are so many twists and turns I cannot fathom how anyone could live like that. There is so much more freedom in allowing even the unlovely things in life to alter our course. God is dancing over us even as we mourn, and to trust that unwaveringly is the ONLY way I have ever gotten through this past year.
I am shocked that it is already March. Life is happening all around us. It's breathtaking and shocking and heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I don't want to just watch, I want to thrive in the excellence of creation.
I have been getting anxiety attacks and chest pains ever since that first night the police came a couple of weeks ago. I worry. I wonder if going to the Treatment Center next Monday is going to disappoint me. I wonder what is to come in the months ahead. I do not want surgery. I do not want to go in for the light therapy for psoriasis tomorrow. I don't want to see the ob/gyn next week and continue to investigate my mysterious cervical bleeding. I don't want to do any of it.
I just want to sit somewhere beautiful and rest in the love of Jesus.
I am resting. I am waiting. I am believing. I am not ashamed or sorry for being sad. It happens. I have let go of that attitude that says we have to have it together. That's not humility, that's ego. That's pride. I am admitting I am confused, and sad. I don't ever want to come to a place in life where I feel I have "arrived" and no longer need grace and mercy. I do not ever want to be the super Christian woman who never shows MY needs. I've lived that way for a long time. I leave it now.
There is a struggle everyday. Heart and head. Fibromyalgia is real and crippling and all consuming, and I am done fighting for awhile.
I am resting.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Let Faith Arise
I took a silly quiz. I don't believe in them, but this particular paragraph in my results struck a chord. I AM massively, hugely, overwhelmingly stressed out. Way out. There is too much going on externally as well as the internal daily struggle that my body fights with my illness. I lost it yesterday. We were in the car on the way to eat dinner and I was in a delightful mood. Suddenly I was yelling and crying and feeling overwhelmed. I yelled at my darling best friend and spouted off so many horrific things. All I could feel was pain. The fibromyalgia but also the ear ache and sinus pressure that has been over me the last 2 days. I am also in PMS mode 2011. So I was a loony bin for about 15 minutes. I couldn't stop. And then it was over. I put on a wan smile and went to Red Lobster to celebrate my mom's birthday.
I always feel so guilty. I am discovering more that I may be repressing my own emotional healing. What is it that makes us so afraid to be broken? To admit brokenness? I don't want to stay broken but I want to be able to admit that I am drowning in spiritual warfare here. It's almost like once you're healed... you go to the Life Change Retreat and you are a leader for youth and suddenly you're not allowed to be human anymore. You're supposed to have suddenly become completely whole, completely healed from anything ever again.
That is not reality.
Reality is that life still occurs. More people will hurt us, we will hurt others, we will go through devastating times that test the very core of our love walk with God.
I am in such a crucible. So often we talk about the healing and favor of God, but we don't allow honesty for what it takes to bring us to those very deep places with Him. We don't always allow the process.
I speak this because I am experiencing it right now. There is no pause button. There is no time to collect my thoughts and then parade them around like a super Christian. There is only the pain and the trial. Just as there are wonderful, amazing people of Light that have stood beside me and prayed for me, there have been others who have written me off. I now understand that this is about me and God.
So I ask you God, WHAT are you changing in me? I asked you to take my life. ALL of it. I asked you to give me your heart. To make me love you more than anyone or anything in the world, and now you are giving me that. Why does it hurt so bad? I think of you hanging on that cross. Your blood dripping, pouring and how you had mercy until the very end. You loved me before I ever took my first breath. You made my hands, my feet, my heart. You answer my cries to you. You soothe me and heal me and make me new every day... and still I wonder why this is all happening. Not just me. Not just my sickness, but what is happening to the people I love all around me. All of the broken cries of the people dealing with divorce, depression, acts of violence, Cancer, etc. I know you are good. I know you are so faithful. I know, I know, I know... but I feel.... and it's tearing me down.
When I see all of the pain I want so much to take it away. Is that the issue? Am I trying to play God? Am I trying to take on burdens too big for me to carry? I know I am not being honest with my health. I am way sicker then I portray. I smile and laugh and push myself, but I have also grown and erected boundaries that were not in place even a month ago.
So where do we go from here, Papa? Tell me. Show me. This is the realest real it can ever get. Just me and you. No fancy church building with instruments and other believers to surround me. This is me and you, here and now in a sunny bedroom on a random Tuesday.
This is all so beyond my capabilities. I thank you that you trust me and love me enough to handle these things, but God I am breaking beneath the weight. You never give me more then I can handle. I can't handle it anymore, God.
I don't know what it means to rest. I don't know what it means to take care of myself. I keep hitting this point where I am crushed beneath the weight of these troubles.
I am no martyr. You know my every sin, my every mistake. You know when I am acting in my flesh and when I am selfish. But I feel so much. I care too much. I am bombarded with the feelings of everyone around me.
How can I love and be invested without getting too involved? My heart is involved, Lord.
Physically I am crumbling. The fibromyalgia is wearing and tearing and taking what it wants. Now I have a sinus infection and need ankle surgery. The little child I love more then anything is in turmoil because of what happened to her. I don't know what to do.
So, I look up. I am deciding right now that I trust you even still. I believe you. I know that: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Cor. 4:17). You are good. You are in this thing.
1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
My hope is draining, my spirit is frittered. I am in pieces before you. I yearn to wail and weep and give in to the darkness closing in. It seems easier. To stop feeling so much pain, to stop witnessing all of these travesties. BUT my hope is in YOU and you NEVER fail me. Holy Spirit, come. Holy Spirit, come.
Let me know again the beauty of your death on the cross. Let me be made new and alive in you once again. Come into my heart and my spirit. Breathe new life into cold bones and tired spaces. I am waiting.
This was my quiz result and I am considering it a prescription: "Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound."
I always feel so guilty. I am discovering more that I may be repressing my own emotional healing. What is it that makes us so afraid to be broken? To admit brokenness? I don't want to stay broken but I want to be able to admit that I am drowning in spiritual warfare here. It's almost like once you're healed... you go to the Life Change Retreat and you are a leader for youth and suddenly you're not allowed to be human anymore. You're supposed to have suddenly become completely whole, completely healed from anything ever again.
That is not reality.
Reality is that life still occurs. More people will hurt us, we will hurt others, we will go through devastating times that test the very core of our love walk with God.
I am in such a crucible. So often we talk about the healing and favor of God, but we don't allow honesty for what it takes to bring us to those very deep places with Him. We don't always allow the process.
I speak this because I am experiencing it right now. There is no pause button. There is no time to collect my thoughts and then parade them around like a super Christian. There is only the pain and the trial. Just as there are wonderful, amazing people of Light that have stood beside me and prayed for me, there have been others who have written me off. I now understand that this is about me and God.
So I ask you God, WHAT are you changing in me? I asked you to take my life. ALL of it. I asked you to give me your heart. To make me love you more than anyone or anything in the world, and now you are giving me that. Why does it hurt so bad? I think of you hanging on that cross. Your blood dripping, pouring and how you had mercy until the very end. You loved me before I ever took my first breath. You made my hands, my feet, my heart. You answer my cries to you. You soothe me and heal me and make me new every day... and still I wonder why this is all happening. Not just me. Not just my sickness, but what is happening to the people I love all around me. All of the broken cries of the people dealing with divorce, depression, acts of violence, Cancer, etc. I know you are good. I know you are so faithful. I know, I know, I know... but I feel.... and it's tearing me down.
When I see all of the pain I want so much to take it away. Is that the issue? Am I trying to play God? Am I trying to take on burdens too big for me to carry? I know I am not being honest with my health. I am way sicker then I portray. I smile and laugh and push myself, but I have also grown and erected boundaries that were not in place even a month ago.
So where do we go from here, Papa? Tell me. Show me. This is the realest real it can ever get. Just me and you. No fancy church building with instruments and other believers to surround me. This is me and you, here and now in a sunny bedroom on a random Tuesday.
This is all so beyond my capabilities. I thank you that you trust me and love me enough to handle these things, but God I am breaking beneath the weight. You never give me more then I can handle. I can't handle it anymore, God.
I don't know what it means to rest. I don't know what it means to take care of myself. I keep hitting this point where I am crushed beneath the weight of these troubles.
I am no martyr. You know my every sin, my every mistake. You know when I am acting in my flesh and when I am selfish. But I feel so much. I care too much. I am bombarded with the feelings of everyone around me.
How can I love and be invested without getting too involved? My heart is involved, Lord.
Physically I am crumbling. The fibromyalgia is wearing and tearing and taking what it wants. Now I have a sinus infection and need ankle surgery. The little child I love more then anything is in turmoil because of what happened to her. I don't know what to do.
So, I look up. I am deciding right now that I trust you even still. I believe you. I know that: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Cor. 4:17). You are good. You are in this thing.
1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
My hope is draining, my spirit is frittered. I am in pieces before you. I yearn to wail and weep and give in to the darkness closing in. It seems easier. To stop feeling so much pain, to stop witnessing all of these travesties. BUT my hope is in YOU and you NEVER fail me. Holy Spirit, come. Holy Spirit, come.
Let me know again the beauty of your death on the cross. Let me be made new and alive in you once again. Come into my heart and my spirit. Breathe new life into cold bones and tired spaces. I am waiting.
This was my quiz result and I am considering it a prescription: "Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound."
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My Prayer Requests
Psalm 140
1-5 God, get me out of here, away from this evil; protect me from these vicious people.
All they do is think up new ways to be bad;
they spend their days plotting war games.
They practice the sharp rhetoric of hate and hurt,
speak venomous words that maim and kill.
God, keep me out of the clutch of these wicked ones,
protect me from these vicious people;
Stuffed with self-importance, they plot ways to trip me up,
determined to bring me down.
These crooks invent traps to catch me
and do their best to incriminate me.
6-8 I prayed, "God, you're my God!
Listen, God! Mercy!
God, my Lord, Strong Savior,
protect me when the fighting breaks out!
Don't let the wicked have their way, God,
don't give them an inch!"
9-11 These troublemakers all around me—
let them drown in their own verbal poison.
Let God pile hellfire on them,
let him bury them alive in crevasses!
These loudmouths—
don't let them be taken seriously;
These savages—
let the Devil hunt them down!
12-13 I know that you, God, are on the side of victims,
that you care for the rights of the poor.
And I know that the righteous personally thank you,
that good people are secure in your presence.
Psalm 141
1-2 God, come close. Come quickly! Open your ears—it's my voice you're hearing!
Treat my prayer as sweet incense rising;
my raised hands are my evening prayers.
3-7 Post a guard at my mouth, God,
set a watch at the door of my lips.
Don't let me so much as dream of evil
or thoughtlessly fall into bad company.
And these people who only do wrong—
don't let them lure me with their sweet talk!
May the Just One set me straight,
may the Kind One correct me,
Don't let sin anoint my head.
I'm praying hard against their evil ways!
Oh, let their leaders be pushed off a high rock cliff;
make them face the music.
Like a rock pulverized by a maul,
let their bones be scattered at the gates of hell.
8-10 But God, dear Lord,
I only have eyes for you.
Since I've run for dear life to you,
take good care of me.
Protect me from their evil scheming,
from all their demonic subterfuge.
Let the wicked fall flat on their faces,
while I walk off without a scratch.
Psalm 142
1-2 I cry out loudly to God, loudly I plead with God for mercy.
I spill out all my complaints before him,
and spell out my troubles in detail:
3-7 "As I sink in despair, my spirit ebbing away,
you know how I'm feeling,
Know the danger I'm in,
the traps hidden in my path.
Look right, look left—
there's not a soul who cares what happens!
I'm up against it, with no exit—
bereft, left alone.
I cry out, God, call out:
'You're my last chance, my only hope for life!'
Oh listen, please listen;
I've never been this low.
Rescue me from those who are hunting me down;
I'm no match for them.
Get me out of this dungeon
so I can thank you in public.
Your people will form a circle around me
and you'll bring me showers of blessing!"
Psalm 143
1-2 Listen to this prayer of mine, God; pay attention to what I'm asking.
Answer me—you're famous for your answers!
Do what's right for me.
But don't, please don't, haul me into court;
not a person alive would be acquitted there.
3-6 The enemy hunted me down;
he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life.
He put me in a black hole,
buried me like a corpse in that dungeon.
I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away,
my heart heavy, like lead.
I remembered the old days,
went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked,
Stretched out my hands to you,
as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain.
7-10 Hurry with your answer, God!
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.
11-12 Keep up your reputation, God—give me life!
In your justice, get me out of this trouble!
In your great love, vanquish my enemies;
make a clean sweep of those who harass me.
And why? Because I'm your servant.
1-5 God, get me out of here, away from this evil; protect me from these vicious people.
All they do is think up new ways to be bad;
they spend their days plotting war games.
They practice the sharp rhetoric of hate and hurt,
speak venomous words that maim and kill.
God, keep me out of the clutch of these wicked ones,
protect me from these vicious people;
Stuffed with self-importance, they plot ways to trip me up,
determined to bring me down.
These crooks invent traps to catch me
and do their best to incriminate me.
6-8 I prayed, "God, you're my God!
Listen, God! Mercy!
God, my Lord, Strong Savior,
protect me when the fighting breaks out!
Don't let the wicked have their way, God,
don't give them an inch!"
9-11 These troublemakers all around me—
let them drown in their own verbal poison.
Let God pile hellfire on them,
let him bury them alive in crevasses!
These loudmouths—
don't let them be taken seriously;
These savages—
let the Devil hunt them down!
12-13 I know that you, God, are on the side of victims,
that you care for the rights of the poor.
And I know that the righteous personally thank you,
that good people are secure in your presence.
Psalm 141
1-2 God, come close. Come quickly! Open your ears—it's my voice you're hearing!
Treat my prayer as sweet incense rising;
my raised hands are my evening prayers.
3-7 Post a guard at my mouth, God,
set a watch at the door of my lips.
Don't let me so much as dream of evil
or thoughtlessly fall into bad company.
And these people who only do wrong—
don't let them lure me with their sweet talk!
May the Just One set me straight,
may the Kind One correct me,
Don't let sin anoint my head.
I'm praying hard against their evil ways!
Oh, let their leaders be pushed off a high rock cliff;
make them face the music.
Like a rock pulverized by a maul,
let their bones be scattered at the gates of hell.
8-10 But God, dear Lord,
I only have eyes for you.
Since I've run for dear life to you,
take good care of me.
Protect me from their evil scheming,
from all their demonic subterfuge.
Let the wicked fall flat on their faces,
while I walk off without a scratch.
Psalm 142
1-2 I cry out loudly to God, loudly I plead with God for mercy.
I spill out all my complaints before him,
and spell out my troubles in detail:
3-7 "As I sink in despair, my spirit ebbing away,
you know how I'm feeling,
Know the danger I'm in,
the traps hidden in my path.
Look right, look left—
there's not a soul who cares what happens!
I'm up against it, with no exit—
bereft, left alone.
I cry out, God, call out:
'You're my last chance, my only hope for life!'
Oh listen, please listen;
I've never been this low.
Rescue me from those who are hunting me down;
I'm no match for them.
Get me out of this dungeon
so I can thank you in public.
Your people will form a circle around me
and you'll bring me showers of blessing!"
Psalm 143
1-2 Listen to this prayer of mine, God; pay attention to what I'm asking.
Answer me—you're famous for your answers!
Do what's right for me.
But don't, please don't, haul me into court;
not a person alive would be acquitted there.
3-6 The enemy hunted me down;
he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life.
He put me in a black hole,
buried me like a corpse in that dungeon.
I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away,
my heart heavy, like lead.
I remembered the old days,
went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked,
Stretched out my hands to you,
as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain.
7-10 Hurry with your answer, God!
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.
11-12 Keep up your reputation, God—give me life!
In your justice, get me out of this trouble!
In your great love, vanquish my enemies;
make a clean sweep of those who harass me.
And why? Because I'm your servant.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Ode to a Nightingale
John Keats. 1795–1821
624. Ode to a Nightingale
MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, 5
But being too happy in thine happiness,
That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. 10
O for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delvèd earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country-green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South! 15
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stainèd mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim: 20
Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last grey hairs, 25
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs;
Where beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow. 30
Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night, 35
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways. 40
I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmèd darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild; 45
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast-fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves. 50
Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die, 55
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain—
To thy high requiem become a sod. 60
Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path 65
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that ofttimes hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn. 70
Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is famed to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades 75
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep? 80
624. Ode to a Nightingale
MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, 5
But being too happy in thine happiness,
That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease. 10
O for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delvèd earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country-green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South! 15
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stainèd mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim: 20
Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last grey hairs, 25
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs;
Where beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow. 30
Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night, 35
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways. 40
I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmèd darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild; 45
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast-fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves. 50
Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die, 55
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain—
To thy high requiem become a sod. 60
Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path 65
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that ofttimes hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn. 70
Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is famed to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades 75
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep? 80
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Strength
le·thar·gic/ləˈTHärjik/
Adjective: Affected by lethargy; sluggish and apathetic
I am trying in vain to write a blog while everything is still fresh but Wow Wow Wubbzy is on in the background and Mylie periodically asks me to do something. I feel irate right now. At having fibromyalgia, at the audacity of medical professionals, and at being just so tired.
I went to a pain management appointment today. I first saw this doctor back in September when he finally confirmed I have fibromyalgia. That very first visit he asked me what I wanted him to do. I snapped after months of being dismissed and treated like a loony bin by doctors AND peers. I told him he was the doctor and he should be helping me, not asking me to diagnose and treat myself.
Since then I have seen him several times. He has performed several outpatient injections into my back, hips, and legs. Out of all of those injections, only one was effective.
I have not seen him since that last injection series which was in November. I wasn't sure what to expect today. He was getting nicer over time, seeming to take me seriously. Today he walked in with some woman I've never met. We all shook hands. They didn't explain why she was there, and I was too exhausted to even ask. I assume she was someone learning something... who knows...
So he asks me how things have been going since the injections, and I told him that the last injections seem to have helped at least 45%. I was more mobile afterwards and only a few weeks ago did it become blazing again. He had me lift up my shirt and checked my body again for pain points. As I stood there grimacing with each press, he said "you have a lot of fibromyalgia going on." No kidding. He told me to take the neurontin he prescribed a few months ago. I explained that I was on various antibiotics for different things and wanted to wait until I wasn't taking a bunch of stuff. I told him I have questions about neurontin before I start it. He looked at me and very rudely stated: "Read about it."
This is the time I usually cower. Ashamed of the pain, of not being able to handle it... this time I knew better. I looked at him and said that I had read about it but I am hesitant to take pills. I told him that I am going to a fibromyalgia treatment center next month and he seemed to get irritated at that. He spouted off about how doctors don't know anything about fibromyalgia and that if one doctor gives me one pill that works then to stick with that one pill.
Oh heck no.
I am delighted to say I did not give in to my emotions. Proof positive that there has been growth and all the tears, anger, and depression were for a purpose... still is for a purpose. We exchanged dialogue. He wants to do another injection series in a few weeks. I scheduled one, but the moment I walked out of there I knew I am never going back.
When all of this was a mystery I just took the abuse from non-believers. Friends, doctors, strangers. To this very day there are some who continue to be oh so incredulous when I am not feeling good. They gloss over fibromyalgia like it doesn't exist. Before, each encounter with attitudes such as that, set me off. I was miserable. I condemned myself over and over and over. Then I went back for seconds. I mentally tore myself apart for not being stronger, better, healthier. I blamed myself. Now I can honestly say that I am not the one with the issue.
If one lacks compassion, lacks the ability to look at someone else in pain and empathize- then they are the ones who have an issue. I am proactive. I am strong. Mighty strong. I am weak in body, but oh am I strong in spirit.
I know now that I don't have to settle for some cheapened medical experience. My disease is real and it deserves the same treatment any other person would get. I am taking a stand, I am putting myself first for once.
I AM done with the fibromyalgia non-believers. I am done with those people who have always sucked me dry at their convenience, but who have all but disappeared now. I have learned who is really in my corner. I am no longer making myself accessible to those who only tear down my already fragile state of mind.
I am not some rag doll to be scuffed around nor am I some little piece of glass that will easily break. I am being made stronger everyday. I am learning how to trust and trust and trust some more in my God, in His plans for my life, and I am also letting go of ALL He asks me to let go of.
It's quite the process, but I would rather be this sick for the rest of my life then to lack compassion.
Adjective: Affected by lethargy; sluggish and apathetic
I am trying in vain to write a blog while everything is still fresh but Wow Wow Wubbzy is on in the background and Mylie periodically asks me to do something. I feel irate right now. At having fibromyalgia, at the audacity of medical professionals, and at being just so tired.
I went to a pain management appointment today. I first saw this doctor back in September when he finally confirmed I have fibromyalgia. That very first visit he asked me what I wanted him to do. I snapped after months of being dismissed and treated like a loony bin by doctors AND peers. I told him he was the doctor and he should be helping me, not asking me to diagnose and treat myself.
Since then I have seen him several times. He has performed several outpatient injections into my back, hips, and legs. Out of all of those injections, only one was effective.
I have not seen him since that last injection series which was in November. I wasn't sure what to expect today. He was getting nicer over time, seeming to take me seriously. Today he walked in with some woman I've never met. We all shook hands. They didn't explain why she was there, and I was too exhausted to even ask. I assume she was someone learning something... who knows...
So he asks me how things have been going since the injections, and I told him that the last injections seem to have helped at least 45%. I was more mobile afterwards and only a few weeks ago did it become blazing again. He had me lift up my shirt and checked my body again for pain points. As I stood there grimacing with each press, he said "you have a lot of fibromyalgia going on." No kidding. He told me to take the neurontin he prescribed a few months ago. I explained that I was on various antibiotics for different things and wanted to wait until I wasn't taking a bunch of stuff. I told him I have questions about neurontin before I start it. He looked at me and very rudely stated: "Read about it."
This is the time I usually cower. Ashamed of the pain, of not being able to handle it... this time I knew better. I looked at him and said that I had read about it but I am hesitant to take pills. I told him that I am going to a fibromyalgia treatment center next month and he seemed to get irritated at that. He spouted off about how doctors don't know anything about fibromyalgia and that if one doctor gives me one pill that works then to stick with that one pill.
Oh heck no.
I am delighted to say I did not give in to my emotions. Proof positive that there has been growth and all the tears, anger, and depression were for a purpose... still is for a purpose. We exchanged dialogue. He wants to do another injection series in a few weeks. I scheduled one, but the moment I walked out of there I knew I am never going back.
When all of this was a mystery I just took the abuse from non-believers. Friends, doctors, strangers. To this very day there are some who continue to be oh so incredulous when I am not feeling good. They gloss over fibromyalgia like it doesn't exist. Before, each encounter with attitudes such as that, set me off. I was miserable. I condemned myself over and over and over. Then I went back for seconds. I mentally tore myself apart for not being stronger, better, healthier. I blamed myself. Now I can honestly say that I am not the one with the issue.
If one lacks compassion, lacks the ability to look at someone else in pain and empathize- then they are the ones who have an issue. I am proactive. I am strong. Mighty strong. I am weak in body, but oh am I strong in spirit.
I know now that I don't have to settle for some cheapened medical experience. My disease is real and it deserves the same treatment any other person would get. I am taking a stand, I am putting myself first for once.
I AM done with the fibromyalgia non-believers. I am done with those people who have always sucked me dry at their convenience, but who have all but disappeared now. I have learned who is really in my corner. I am no longer making myself accessible to those who only tear down my already fragile state of mind.
I am not some rag doll to be scuffed around nor am I some little piece of glass that will easily break. I am being made stronger everyday. I am learning how to trust and trust and trust some more in my God, in His plans for my life, and I am also letting go of ALL He asks me to let go of.
It's quite the process, but I would rather be this sick for the rest of my life then to lack compassion.
Insomnia
I can't sleep and it's self-induced.
I drank a Dr. Pepper today.
I knew it was a BAD idea. I knew from past experiences that I would be up all night.
So now I sit here alternating between trips to the bathroom and trying in vain to fall asleep since I have a pain management appointment tomorrow.
It's not working.
I have decided that NOW is the time to listen to the doctor and change my eating habits entirely. It's going to be hard. It IS hard. I've been trying, but somehow it's harder to be disciplined foodwise when you're sick. Who wants to take the effort to think about food? I sure don't but unless I want to have a heart attack or a stroke at 30 years old, I better pay heed. It's not advice, it's a direct prescription to get my cholesterol and glucose down before high blood pressure and diabetes descend.
They sent me a food chart and I'll post some of that later. I have more to catch you up on- revelations that hit while I sat out by the pool in the delicious sunshine yesterday, but right now is not the time to do so. I am having extreme back pain (probably due to the fact that I went on the treadmill AND went swimming this week), plus I opted NOT to use the motorized carts while out today... walking fast like I am spry once more....
One of these days I will KNOW that I am not able to do the things I used to do with the same gusto. I will learn how to pace myself accurately. I am learning more everyday, and I have finally given myself permission to have some setbacks.
But for tonight I am aching and paying the price for my rushed attempts at exercise and normalcy. My ankle is still throbbing from the other night when something popped 3 times. I'm not sure what it was. I do have a floating bone in that ankle from a previous break and numerous sprains as a child. The top is still tingly and numb on my left foot, and the ortho appointment I had today was canceled and rescheduled for February 14th since the doctor had to leave early.
Lately it's been a blessing to have the sunshine. The pain recedes a smidge and I almost feel normal. If not for the pinning exhaustion I would actually feel like I was okay again. Kind of...
Okay, not really, but it's a whole lot better then what it usually is.
I have always loved cold weather. I used to sleep with a fan on every night. I got warm in my sleep. Now I freeze so easily that I am absolutely in love with the sun. I used to turn up my nose at the idea of a beachy, tropical vacation (the only tropical place I love is the Philippines) because I love rain and snow, but these last couple of days hanging out by the pool made me realize how much I would love to sit on a beach somewhere relaxing. No freeze, minimal pain. That sounds heavenly.
My parents arrive on Wednesday for a month. I'm very excited to have them here!
Also, cool story: the first blog I ever read when I first got diagnosed was a girl named Holli's. I thought she'd stopped blogging and left a comment on one of the old posts. Turns out she had a whole other blog, so we connected through there. Her blog gave me such encouragement when I was first coping. Just knowing another young person was going through this. So, we connected on facebook, and then exchanged phone #'s. Turns out her sister lives 20 minutes from me and Holli is visiting her this very week, so we may actually get to meet in person! I'm so excited. Is that God's plan for us to be friends and fibro sisters or what?!
Having support and giving support, being connected with other people struggling through this disease is so awesome. I cannot stress that enough.
I will expand more in a future post about my poolside time with Jesus.
Here is my fibro feel good list thus far:
a support group
crying when I need to
simple shows and movies to watch
sunshine
hot showers
quiet time/reflection/prayer
blogging, journaling
ThermaCare heat wraps
Tylenol
lots of sleep
friends (real friends)
notes, cards, other blogs
good books
water, the sky, flowers, creation
earplugs
library time
hot tubs
swimming
hugs
having my hair combed
worship music
eliminating unhealthy friendships
not being rushed
saying no when it's too much
loving, gentle people
a 4 year old in my life that is compassionate and wonderful
a supreme best friend who is there no matter what- Thanks Aaron
Psalm 119
You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That's right—you don't go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
don't ever walk off and leave me.
9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it.
17-24 Be generous with me and I'll live a full life;
not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road.
Open my eyes so I can see
what you show me of your miracle-wonders.
I'm a stranger in these parts;
give me clear directions.
My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!—
insatiable for your nourishing commands.
And those who think they know so much,
ignoring everything you tell them—let them have it!
Don't let them mock and humiliate me;
I've been careful to do just what you said.
While bad neighbors maliciously gossip about me,
I'm absorbed in pondering your wise counsel.
Yes, your sayings on life are what give me delight;
I listen to them as to good neighbors!
25-32 I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
33-40 God, teach me lessons for living
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!
41-48 Let your love, God, shape my life
with salvation, exactly as you promised;
Then I'll be able to stand up to mockery
because I trusted your Word.
Don't ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
your commandments are what I depend on.
Oh, I'll guard with my life what you've revealed to me,
guard it now, guard it ever;
And I'll stride freely through wide open spaces
as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
Then I'll tell the world what I find,
speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
relishing every fragment of your counsel.
49-56 Remember what you said to me, your servant—
I hang on to these words for dear life!
These words hold me up in bad times;
yes, your promises rejuvenate me.
The insolent ridicule me without mercy,
but I don't budge from your revelation.
I watch for your ancient landmark words,
and know I'm on the right track.
But when I see the wicked ignore your directions,
I'm beside myself with anger.
I set your instructions to music
and sing them as I walk this pilgrim way.
I meditate on your name all night, God,
treasuring your revelation, O God.
Still, I walk through a rain of derision
because I live by your Word and counsel.
57-64 Because you have satisfied me, God, I promise
to do everything you say.
I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile,
be gracious to me just as you promised.
When I took a long, careful look at your ways,
I got my feet back on the trail you blazed.
I was up at once, didn't drag my feet,
was quick to follow your orders.
The wicked hemmed me in—there was no way out—
but not for a minute did I forget your plan for me.
I get up in the middle of the night to thank you;
your decisions are so right, so true—I can't wait till morning!
I'm a friend and companion of all who fear you,
of those committed to living by your rules.
Your love, God, fills the earth!
Train me to live by your counsel.
65-72 Be good to your servant, God;
be as good as your Word.
Train me in good common sense;
I'm thoroughly committed to living your way.
Before I learned to answer you, I wandered all over the place,
but now I'm in step with your Word.
You are good, and the source of good;
train me in your goodness.
The godless spread lies about me,
but I focus my attention on what you are saying;
They're bland as a bucket of lard,
while I dance to the tune of your revelation.
My troubles turned out all for the best—
they forced me to learn from your textbook.
Truth from your mouth means more to me
than striking it rich in a gold mine.
73-80 With your very own hands you formed me;
now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.
When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
those who fear you will take heart and be glad.
I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;
your testing has taught me what's true and right.
Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight!
just the way you promised.
Now comfort me so I can live, really live;
your revelation is the tune I dance to.
Let the fast-talking tricksters be exposed as frauds;
they tried to sell me a bill of goods,
but I kept my mind fixed on your counsel.
Let those who fear you turn to me
for evidence of your wise guidance.
And let me live whole and holy, soul and body,
so I can always walk with my head held high.
81-88 I'm homesick—longing for your salvation;
I'm waiting for your word of hope.
My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise;
how long must I wait for your comfort?
There's smoke in my eyes—they burn and water,
but I keep a steady gaze on the instructions you post.
How long do I have to put up with all this?
How long till you haul my tormentors into court?
The arrogant godless try to throw me off track,
ignorant as they are of God and his ways.
Everything you command is a sure thing,
but they harass me with lies. Help!
They've pushed and pushed—they never let up—
but I haven't relaxed my grip on your counsel.
In your great love revive me
so I can alertly obey your every word.
89-96 What you say goes, God,
and stays, as permanent as the heavens.
Your truth never goes out of fashion;
it's as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.
Your Word and truth are dependable as ever;
that's what you ordered—you set the earth going.
If your revelation hadn't delighted me so,
I would have given up when the hard times came.
But I'll never forget the advice you gave me;
you saved my life with those wise words.
Save me! I'm all yours.
I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me,
but I'm only concerned with your plans for me.
I see the limits to everything human,
but the horizons can't contain your commands!
97-104 Oh, how I love all you've revealed;
I reverently ponder it all the day long.
Your commands give me an edge on my enemies;
they never become obsolete.
I've even become smarter than my teachers
since I've pondered and absorbed your counsel.
I've become wiser than the wise old sages
simply by doing what you tell me.
I watch my step, avoiding the ditches and ruts of evil
so I can spend all my time keeping your Word.
I never make detours from the route you laid out;
you gave me such good directions.
Your words are so choice, so tasty;
I prefer them to the best home cooking.
With your instruction, I understand life;
that's why I hate false propaganda.
105-112 By your words I can see where I'm going;
they throw a beam of light on my dark path.
I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
from living by your righteous order.
Everything's falling apart on me, God;
put me together again with your Word.
Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;
teach me your holy rules.
My life is as close as my own hands,
but I don't forget what you have revealed.
The wicked do their best to throw me off track,
but I don't swerve an inch from your course.
I inherited your book on living; it's mine forever—
what a gift! And how happy it makes me!
I concentrate on doing exactly what you say—
I always have and always will.
113-120 I hate the two-faced,
but I love your clear-cut revelation.
You're my place of quiet retreat;
I wait for your Word to renew me.
Get out of my life, evildoers,
so I can keep my God's commands.
Take my side as you promised; I'll live then for sure.
Don't disappoint all my grand hopes.
Stick with me and I'll be all right;
I'll give total allegiance to your definitions of life.
Expose all who drift away from your sayings;
their casual idolatry is lethal.
You reject earth's wicked as so much rubbish;
therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say.
I shiver in awe before you;
your decisions leave me speechless with reverence.
121-128 I stood up for justice and the right;
don't leave me to the mercy of my oppressors.
Take the side of your servant, good God;
don't let the godless take advantage of me.
I can't keep my eyes open any longer, waiting for you
to keep your promise to set everything right.
Let your love dictate how you deal with me;
teach me from your textbook on life.
I'm your servant—help me understand what that means,
the inner meaning of your instructions.
It's time to act, God;
they've made a shambles of your revelation!
Yea-Saying God, I love what you command,
I love it better than gold and gemstones;
Yea-Saying God, I honor everything you tell me,
I despise every deceitful detour.
129-136 Every word you give me is a miracle word—
how could I help but obey?
Break open your words, let the light shine out,
let ordinary people see the meaning.
Mouth open and panting,
I wanted your commands more than anything.
Turn my way, look kindly on me,
as you always do to those who personally love you.
Steady my steps with your Word of promise
so nothing malign gets the better of me.
Rescue me from the grip of bad men and women
so I can live life your way.
Smile on me, your servant;
teach me the right way to live.
I cry rivers of tears
because nobody's living by your book!
137-144 You are right and you do right, God;
your decisions are right on target.
You rightly instruct us in how to live
ever faithful to you.
My rivals nearly did me in,
they persistently ignored your commandments.
Your promise has been tested through and through,
and I, your servant, love it dearly.
I'm too young to be important,
but I don't forget what you tell me.
Your righteousness is eternally right,
your revelation is the only truth.
Even though troubles came down on me hard,
your commands always gave me delight.
The way you tell me to live is always right;
help me understand it so I can live to the fullest.
145-152 I call out at the top of my lungs,
"God! Answer! I'll do whatever you say."
I called to you, "Save me
so I can carry out all your instructions."
I was up before sunrise,
crying for help, hoping for a word from you.
I stayed awake all night,
prayerfully pondering your promise.
In your love, listen to me;
in your justice, God, keep me alive.
As those out to get me come closer and closer,
they go farther and farther from the truth you reveal;
But you're the closest of all to me, God,
and all your judgments true.
I've known all along from the evidence of your words
that you meant them to last forever.
153-160 Take a good look at my trouble, and help me—
I haven't forgotten your revelation.
Take my side and get me out of this;
give me back my life, just as you promised.
"Salvation" is only gibberish to the wicked
because they've never looked it up in your dictionary.
Your mercies, God, run into the billions;
following your guidelines, revive me.
My antagonists are too many to count,
but I don't swerve from the directions you gave.
I took one look at the quitters and was filled with loathing;
they walked away from your promises so casually!
Take note of how I love what you tell me;
out of your life of love, prolong my life.
Your words all add up to the sum total: Truth.
Your righteous decisions are eternal.
161-168 I've been slandered unmercifully by the politicians,
but my awe at your words keeps me stable.
I'm ecstatic over what you say,
like one who strikes it rich.
I hate lies—can't stand them!—
but I love what you have revealed.
Seven times each day I stop and shout praises
for the way you keep everything running right.
For those who love what you reveal, everything fits—
no stumbling around in the dark for them.
I wait expectantly for your salvation;
God, I do what you tell me.
My soul guards and keeps all your instructions—
oh, how much I love them!
I follow your directions, abide by your counsel;
my life's an open book before you.
169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
CS Lewis
I drank a Dr. Pepper today.
I knew it was a BAD idea. I knew from past experiences that I would be up all night.
So now I sit here alternating between trips to the bathroom and trying in vain to fall asleep since I have a pain management appointment tomorrow.
It's not working.
I have decided that NOW is the time to listen to the doctor and change my eating habits entirely. It's going to be hard. It IS hard. I've been trying, but somehow it's harder to be disciplined foodwise when you're sick. Who wants to take the effort to think about food? I sure don't but unless I want to have a heart attack or a stroke at 30 years old, I better pay heed. It's not advice, it's a direct prescription to get my cholesterol and glucose down before high blood pressure and diabetes descend.
They sent me a food chart and I'll post some of that later. I have more to catch you up on- revelations that hit while I sat out by the pool in the delicious sunshine yesterday, but right now is not the time to do so. I am having extreme back pain (probably due to the fact that I went on the treadmill AND went swimming this week), plus I opted NOT to use the motorized carts while out today... walking fast like I am spry once more....
One of these days I will KNOW that I am not able to do the things I used to do with the same gusto. I will learn how to pace myself accurately. I am learning more everyday, and I have finally given myself permission to have some setbacks.
But for tonight I am aching and paying the price for my rushed attempts at exercise and normalcy. My ankle is still throbbing from the other night when something popped 3 times. I'm not sure what it was. I do have a floating bone in that ankle from a previous break and numerous sprains as a child. The top is still tingly and numb on my left foot, and the ortho appointment I had today was canceled and rescheduled for February 14th since the doctor had to leave early.
Lately it's been a blessing to have the sunshine. The pain recedes a smidge and I almost feel normal. If not for the pinning exhaustion I would actually feel like I was okay again. Kind of...
Okay, not really, but it's a whole lot better then what it usually is.
I have always loved cold weather. I used to sleep with a fan on every night. I got warm in my sleep. Now I freeze so easily that I am absolutely in love with the sun. I used to turn up my nose at the idea of a beachy, tropical vacation (the only tropical place I love is the Philippines) because I love rain and snow, but these last couple of days hanging out by the pool made me realize how much I would love to sit on a beach somewhere relaxing. No freeze, minimal pain. That sounds heavenly.
My parents arrive on Wednesday for a month. I'm very excited to have them here!
Also, cool story: the first blog I ever read when I first got diagnosed was a girl named Holli's. I thought she'd stopped blogging and left a comment on one of the old posts. Turns out she had a whole other blog, so we connected through there. Her blog gave me such encouragement when I was first coping. Just knowing another young person was going through this. So, we connected on facebook, and then exchanged phone #'s. Turns out her sister lives 20 minutes from me and Holli is visiting her this very week, so we may actually get to meet in person! I'm so excited. Is that God's plan for us to be friends and fibro sisters or what?!
Having support and giving support, being connected with other people struggling through this disease is so awesome. I cannot stress that enough.
I will expand more in a future post about my poolside time with Jesus.
Here is my fibro feel good list thus far:
a support group
crying when I need to
simple shows and movies to watch
sunshine
hot showers
quiet time/reflection/prayer
blogging, journaling
ThermaCare heat wraps
Tylenol
lots of sleep
friends (real friends)
notes, cards, other blogs
good books
water, the sky, flowers, creation
earplugs
library time
hot tubs
swimming
hugs
having my hair combed
worship music
eliminating unhealthy friendships
not being rushed
saying no when it's too much
loving, gentle people
a 4 year old in my life that is compassionate and wonderful
a supreme best friend who is there no matter what- Thanks Aaron
Psalm 119
You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That's right—you don't go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
don't ever walk off and leave me.
9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it.
17-24 Be generous with me and I'll live a full life;
not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road.
Open my eyes so I can see
what you show me of your miracle-wonders.
I'm a stranger in these parts;
give me clear directions.
My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!—
insatiable for your nourishing commands.
And those who think they know so much,
ignoring everything you tell them—let them have it!
Don't let them mock and humiliate me;
I've been careful to do just what you said.
While bad neighbors maliciously gossip about me,
I'm absorbed in pondering your wise counsel.
Yes, your sayings on life are what give me delight;
I listen to them as to good neighbors!
25-32 I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
33-40 God, teach me lessons for living
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!
41-48 Let your love, God, shape my life
with salvation, exactly as you promised;
Then I'll be able to stand up to mockery
because I trusted your Word.
Don't ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
your commandments are what I depend on.
Oh, I'll guard with my life what you've revealed to me,
guard it now, guard it ever;
And I'll stride freely through wide open spaces
as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
Then I'll tell the world what I find,
speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
relishing every fragment of your counsel.
49-56 Remember what you said to me, your servant—
I hang on to these words for dear life!
These words hold me up in bad times;
yes, your promises rejuvenate me.
The insolent ridicule me without mercy,
but I don't budge from your revelation.
I watch for your ancient landmark words,
and know I'm on the right track.
But when I see the wicked ignore your directions,
I'm beside myself with anger.
I set your instructions to music
and sing them as I walk this pilgrim way.
I meditate on your name all night, God,
treasuring your revelation, O God.
Still, I walk through a rain of derision
because I live by your Word and counsel.
57-64 Because you have satisfied me, God, I promise
to do everything you say.
I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile,
be gracious to me just as you promised.
When I took a long, careful look at your ways,
I got my feet back on the trail you blazed.
I was up at once, didn't drag my feet,
was quick to follow your orders.
The wicked hemmed me in—there was no way out—
but not for a minute did I forget your plan for me.
I get up in the middle of the night to thank you;
your decisions are so right, so true—I can't wait till morning!
I'm a friend and companion of all who fear you,
of those committed to living by your rules.
Your love, God, fills the earth!
Train me to live by your counsel.
65-72 Be good to your servant, God;
be as good as your Word.
Train me in good common sense;
I'm thoroughly committed to living your way.
Before I learned to answer you, I wandered all over the place,
but now I'm in step with your Word.
You are good, and the source of good;
train me in your goodness.
The godless spread lies about me,
but I focus my attention on what you are saying;
They're bland as a bucket of lard,
while I dance to the tune of your revelation.
My troubles turned out all for the best—
they forced me to learn from your textbook.
Truth from your mouth means more to me
than striking it rich in a gold mine.
73-80 With your very own hands you formed me;
now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.
When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
those who fear you will take heart and be glad.
I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;
your testing has taught me what's true and right.
Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight!
just the way you promised.
Now comfort me so I can live, really live;
your revelation is the tune I dance to.
Let the fast-talking tricksters be exposed as frauds;
they tried to sell me a bill of goods,
but I kept my mind fixed on your counsel.
Let those who fear you turn to me
for evidence of your wise guidance.
And let me live whole and holy, soul and body,
so I can always walk with my head held high.
81-88 I'm homesick—longing for your salvation;
I'm waiting for your word of hope.
My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise;
how long must I wait for your comfort?
There's smoke in my eyes—they burn and water,
but I keep a steady gaze on the instructions you post.
How long do I have to put up with all this?
How long till you haul my tormentors into court?
The arrogant godless try to throw me off track,
ignorant as they are of God and his ways.
Everything you command is a sure thing,
but they harass me with lies. Help!
They've pushed and pushed—they never let up—
but I haven't relaxed my grip on your counsel.
In your great love revive me
so I can alertly obey your every word.
89-96 What you say goes, God,
and stays, as permanent as the heavens.
Your truth never goes out of fashion;
it's as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.
Your Word and truth are dependable as ever;
that's what you ordered—you set the earth going.
If your revelation hadn't delighted me so,
I would have given up when the hard times came.
But I'll never forget the advice you gave me;
you saved my life with those wise words.
Save me! I'm all yours.
I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me,
but I'm only concerned with your plans for me.
I see the limits to everything human,
but the horizons can't contain your commands!
97-104 Oh, how I love all you've revealed;
I reverently ponder it all the day long.
Your commands give me an edge on my enemies;
they never become obsolete.
I've even become smarter than my teachers
since I've pondered and absorbed your counsel.
I've become wiser than the wise old sages
simply by doing what you tell me.
I watch my step, avoiding the ditches and ruts of evil
so I can spend all my time keeping your Word.
I never make detours from the route you laid out;
you gave me such good directions.
Your words are so choice, so tasty;
I prefer them to the best home cooking.
With your instruction, I understand life;
that's why I hate false propaganda.
105-112 By your words I can see where I'm going;
they throw a beam of light on my dark path.
I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
from living by your righteous order.
Everything's falling apart on me, God;
put me together again with your Word.
Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;
teach me your holy rules.
My life is as close as my own hands,
but I don't forget what you have revealed.
The wicked do their best to throw me off track,
but I don't swerve an inch from your course.
I inherited your book on living; it's mine forever—
what a gift! And how happy it makes me!
I concentrate on doing exactly what you say—
I always have and always will.
113-120 I hate the two-faced,
but I love your clear-cut revelation.
You're my place of quiet retreat;
I wait for your Word to renew me.
Get out of my life, evildoers,
so I can keep my God's commands.
Take my side as you promised; I'll live then for sure.
Don't disappoint all my grand hopes.
Stick with me and I'll be all right;
I'll give total allegiance to your definitions of life.
Expose all who drift away from your sayings;
their casual idolatry is lethal.
You reject earth's wicked as so much rubbish;
therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say.
I shiver in awe before you;
your decisions leave me speechless with reverence.
121-128 I stood up for justice and the right;
don't leave me to the mercy of my oppressors.
Take the side of your servant, good God;
don't let the godless take advantage of me.
I can't keep my eyes open any longer, waiting for you
to keep your promise to set everything right.
Let your love dictate how you deal with me;
teach me from your textbook on life.
I'm your servant—help me understand what that means,
the inner meaning of your instructions.
It's time to act, God;
they've made a shambles of your revelation!
Yea-Saying God, I love what you command,
I love it better than gold and gemstones;
Yea-Saying God, I honor everything you tell me,
I despise every deceitful detour.
129-136 Every word you give me is a miracle word—
how could I help but obey?
Break open your words, let the light shine out,
let ordinary people see the meaning.
Mouth open and panting,
I wanted your commands more than anything.
Turn my way, look kindly on me,
as you always do to those who personally love you.
Steady my steps with your Word of promise
so nothing malign gets the better of me.
Rescue me from the grip of bad men and women
so I can live life your way.
Smile on me, your servant;
teach me the right way to live.
I cry rivers of tears
because nobody's living by your book!
137-144 You are right and you do right, God;
your decisions are right on target.
You rightly instruct us in how to live
ever faithful to you.
My rivals nearly did me in,
they persistently ignored your commandments.
Your promise has been tested through and through,
and I, your servant, love it dearly.
I'm too young to be important,
but I don't forget what you tell me.
Your righteousness is eternally right,
your revelation is the only truth.
Even though troubles came down on me hard,
your commands always gave me delight.
The way you tell me to live is always right;
help me understand it so I can live to the fullest.
145-152 I call out at the top of my lungs,
"God! Answer! I'll do whatever you say."
I called to you, "Save me
so I can carry out all your instructions."
I was up before sunrise,
crying for help, hoping for a word from you.
I stayed awake all night,
prayerfully pondering your promise.
In your love, listen to me;
in your justice, God, keep me alive.
As those out to get me come closer and closer,
they go farther and farther from the truth you reveal;
But you're the closest of all to me, God,
and all your judgments true.
I've known all along from the evidence of your words
that you meant them to last forever.
153-160 Take a good look at my trouble, and help me—
I haven't forgotten your revelation.
Take my side and get me out of this;
give me back my life, just as you promised.
"Salvation" is only gibberish to the wicked
because they've never looked it up in your dictionary.
Your mercies, God, run into the billions;
following your guidelines, revive me.
My antagonists are too many to count,
but I don't swerve from the directions you gave.
I took one look at the quitters and was filled with loathing;
they walked away from your promises so casually!
Take note of how I love what you tell me;
out of your life of love, prolong my life.
Your words all add up to the sum total: Truth.
Your righteous decisions are eternal.
161-168 I've been slandered unmercifully by the politicians,
but my awe at your words keeps me stable.
I'm ecstatic over what you say,
like one who strikes it rich.
I hate lies—can't stand them!—
but I love what you have revealed.
Seven times each day I stop and shout praises
for the way you keep everything running right.
For those who love what you reveal, everything fits—
no stumbling around in the dark for them.
I wait expectantly for your salvation;
God, I do what you tell me.
My soul guards and keeps all your instructions—
oh, how much I love them!
I follow your directions, abide by your counsel;
my life's an open book before you.
169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
CS Lewis
Friday, February 4, 2011
I must be in the mood to share today. This whole week I've been a pent up mess, but today I feel so grateful. Here's my list:
-having the apartment to myself tonight
-the treadmill extravaganza
-texting with Alex and Holli and being connected to the great women @ the fun house (it's amazing what having friendships with other fibro sufferers will do. I feel like I can text them anytime about anything and I hope they feel the same about me. We've never even met in person but there's a kinship. An understanding. We can just be with one another. I dig that.)
-silence
-more library books to read
-reading new posts of my favorite bloggies
-Leah and the strength she exhibits and shares with us
-feeling and seeing that the light treatment seems to be working for the psoriasis
Have a sensational night friends. If I have learned anything in these days, months, years it is to FIND A SUPPORT GROUP. I never would have thought online relationships could be so meaningful. It really, really helps. And if you are newly diagnosed it's hell... I remember. Plug in, stay connected. 3 days without connecting with my online fibro family left me in a sour, defeated sort.
Goodnight.
-having the apartment to myself tonight
-the treadmill extravaganza
-texting with Alex and Holli and being connected to the great women @ the fun house (it's amazing what having friendships with other fibro sufferers will do. I feel like I can text them anytime about anything and I hope they feel the same about me. We've never even met in person but there's a kinship. An understanding. We can just be with one another. I dig that.)
-silence
-more library books to read
-reading new posts of my favorite bloggies
-Leah and the strength she exhibits and shares with us
-feeling and seeing that the light treatment seems to be working for the psoriasis
Have a sensational night friends. If I have learned anything in these days, months, years it is to FIND A SUPPORT GROUP. I never would have thought online relationships could be so meaningful. It really, really helps. And if you are newly diagnosed it's hell... I remember. Plug in, stay connected. 3 days without connecting with my online fibro family left me in a sour, defeated sort.
Goodnight.
Lately I have been walking to the mailbox with Mylie almost daily. It's so glorious since the sunshine has been delighting us with it's gleam. Today on impulse I said "let's check out the gym!" There is a small room next to the apartment pool and once we walked inside I knew I had to at least try 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Up until that initial kidney infection in 2009 walking was my primary mode of exercise. I did 4 or 5 miles a day. I miss that so very much. I'm now the woman at 30 using motorized carts at Target and unable to stand for long periods of time. But today I stepped on that treadmill and walked for...
wait for it...
7 minutes and 56 seconds.
I feel I have climbed a mountain!
Maybe I have.
Maybe this is a step further in taming this disease, taking some control, finding the joys in what spurs me. I love feeling healthy.
7 minutes makes a difference.
7 minutes means everything when your world is falling apart.
I now feel nauseous, light-headed, and my body is stiff as a board, but it was worth it.
:)
Up until that initial kidney infection in 2009 walking was my primary mode of exercise. I did 4 or 5 miles a day. I miss that so very much. I'm now the woman at 30 using motorized carts at Target and unable to stand for long periods of time. But today I stepped on that treadmill and walked for...
wait for it...
7 minutes and 56 seconds.
I feel I have climbed a mountain!
Maybe I have.
Maybe this is a step further in taming this disease, taking some control, finding the joys in what spurs me. I love feeling healthy.
7 minutes makes a difference.
7 minutes means everything when your world is falling apart.
I now feel nauseous, light-headed, and my body is stiff as a board, but it was worth it.
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)