Marinating in scripture and reading blogs of Godly people doing God's work before bed makes for sweeter dreams then anything else. I woke up happy and the world is full.
Take that enemy. Right in the gut.
I'll be back later with some tips for fibro that help me everyday.
;)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I saw the movie 50/50 yesterday and I had tears the whole time.
I don't have cancer but I believe the film hits home when conveying the spiral and shock that comes along with a diagnosis.
Since I got sick a couple of years ago it has been a roller coaster of emotions and my lifestyle has completely changed.
I think back to those earlier days... the anxiety, the not knowing what was going on with my body.... why was I bleeding from strange places? Why was I so tired? Why was I vomiting for no reason? Why was I in such pain all day, every single day? It was a nightmare. A time when doctors looked at me with expressionless eyes, waving me away because there was no definitive answer, a time of being stabbed with needles in a vain attempt to feel better with injections, a time where places of MY body were violated so that we could possibly get a name for what was happening.
Finally, finally after almost a year of emergency room visits and being too sick to carry on a normal lifestyle I was told I had Fibromyalgia.
Then it became another attempt to find a doctor who would treat me.
When it became apparent that I wasn't going to get treatment through the state, I researched online and found a Fibro clinic near my home at the time.
I was finally OFFICIALLY diagnosed in March of this year.
Yes, it took from November 2009 to March of 2011 to be diagnosed by a rheumatologist and internal medicine doctor.
From that point on numerous labs were taken and I was started on a prescription and supplement program designed to rebuild my weak immune system (working at 12%)and hopefully get the viruses and candida under control so that the Fibro would become manageable.
I was told that it would take about a year to start seeing results. The doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was responding to treatment. However, at the time I had not made the necessary changes in my personal life to aid my wellness pursuit. I had stopped going out, stopped pretending to fit into that old world that didn't accept me how I was BUT California was chaotic. I was unwilling to let go of the child I had taken care of since she was 2 months old.
And then in August the time came. I had felt it moving closer and closer, that inevitable decision to move loomed over my head and suddenly I was making plans to drive across the country and let go of California. It was an easy decision to make, but the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would watch Mylie sleep and wonder how I could ever leave her.
Now I am here in North Carolina and the recovery after the drive was quite long. When I got here and the adrenaline wore off I felt as if I had never gotten treatment in the first place. Gone was ANY energy I had, gone was ANY desire to be a part of anything. I just felt slammed again.
It has been 2 months today since that U-haul trailer hit California soil and traveled the expanse of miles. My mind reels.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my "recovery" is inching back. I feel a spark here and there. This last week alone I went out 3 days in a row! I even drove myself, and while driving can be a little daunting (especially at night) I did it! I have found a possible home church, I have gone walking when able, and I have been learning so much about myself and about how to accommodate my illness.
My fellow fibro warrior has taught me a few of her tricks, such as marinating in bed awhile after waking up. Usually I would bounce out, race to the bathroom, choke down all the meds and start the day in a frenzied rush.
Why?
It's simple.
My body doesn't operate that way anymore and it hasn't for a long time. Poor thing. I have been driving it to the absolute brink, even when I have told myself I was resting.
Ha! I was fooling myself.
The definition of resting is:
"Cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.
Remain or be left in a specified condition: "rest assured".
So now I have started to rest. I am so thankful to have teachers in everyone around me- from the birds to the trees to the children to the friends to the family and all else. I am blessed to be privy to such amazing insight every single day.
I have my fair share of annoyances or bad moods. I have times where it feels dismal and I want to throw in the towel. I get easily frustrated, especially at myself. I have been so hesitant to be labeled as a "sicky," that somewhere along the way I stopped trying to understand that I AM SICK, and there is NO shame in that.
While watching 50/50 (*spoiler alert for those of you wanting to watch this film) my heart ached. I felt him as he sat across from the doctor who told him with no emotion of his diagnosis. When that happens time stops still and a disconnect occurs. The healthy world and you. That's it. Black and white. It all becomes muted in the face of a lifetime sentence.
Then I watched as his friends and family found out and they fumbled with words and their own grief. I watched as he tried to comfort them in the midst of his own disbelief and shock, and I remembered how that felt. To be strong while others fall apart at your health crisis. I remembered the aggravation I felt when people wouldn't let me be. They needed answers, they wanted to offer me solutions to a problem they couldn't quite equate.
I watched as he lost people who he thought were there for him. People he thought would be there, but who dismissed him when he no longer belonged in their world.
Then he started to meet others who were going through what he went through...
my throat aches with unshed tears.
THIS is what makes illness bearable on the worst of days.
Knowing others who are with you in this (whatever it is for you). People who understand when you are too sick to move, people who can make you laugh, people who teach you how to survive. Terminal or not, any life-changing condition WILL rock your entire world. It helps in a way I cannot describe to have fellow fighters alongside of you.
I watched as he told himself and others that he was fine. I've been there. The shock, then the anger. I listened as he was told by someone, "I don't need you to take care of me." There is a freedom song when someone tells you that. Being sick constantly is a burden and there are so many feelings of guilt and shame that tend to sneak up in you. When you have someone in your life who allows you to be who you are, uglies and all, it provides immense support.
I cried as he went through an isolation phase, and watched as he reached out to his parents for help. I thought of how true it is, that when everyone else fails us, our parents (hopefully) remain. They love us like no other people do.
I cried as he prepared for surgery and the possibility that he could die during it, and as he screamed at the top of his lungs in the car I recalled many moments where I could only scream, or wail or cry as all of the feelings collided and spilled out and over one another.
I felt a deep, deep gratitude for my friends and family who have attempted to understand this with me. In the movie he uncovers a book in his best friend's bathroom, notes and all scrawled inside. He had been under the impression that all his friend cared about was something else, and then he discovered that all along his friend had been grieving on his own.
It makes me understand that people do love me. People have tried to understand. People have come alongside me. That means everything to me.
I'm full of emotion.
It was just a movie, but at the same time it wasn't. It was another teacher, and I am so full of appreciation for what is in my life.
I am not 100% and I may never be 100% again, but I am somewhere on the road to managing my illness and that is amazing.
I don't have cancer but I believe the film hits home when conveying the spiral and shock that comes along with a diagnosis.
Since I got sick a couple of years ago it has been a roller coaster of emotions and my lifestyle has completely changed.
I think back to those earlier days... the anxiety, the not knowing what was going on with my body.... why was I bleeding from strange places? Why was I so tired? Why was I vomiting for no reason? Why was I in such pain all day, every single day? It was a nightmare. A time when doctors looked at me with expressionless eyes, waving me away because there was no definitive answer, a time of being stabbed with needles in a vain attempt to feel better with injections, a time where places of MY body were violated so that we could possibly get a name for what was happening.
Finally, finally after almost a year of emergency room visits and being too sick to carry on a normal lifestyle I was told I had Fibromyalgia.
Then it became another attempt to find a doctor who would treat me.
When it became apparent that I wasn't going to get treatment through the state, I researched online and found a Fibro clinic near my home at the time.
I was finally OFFICIALLY diagnosed in March of this year.
Yes, it took from November 2009 to March of 2011 to be diagnosed by a rheumatologist and internal medicine doctor.
From that point on numerous labs were taken and I was started on a prescription and supplement program designed to rebuild my weak immune system (working at 12%)and hopefully get the viruses and candida under control so that the Fibro would become manageable.
I was told that it would take about a year to start seeing results. The doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was responding to treatment. However, at the time I had not made the necessary changes in my personal life to aid my wellness pursuit. I had stopped going out, stopped pretending to fit into that old world that didn't accept me how I was BUT California was chaotic. I was unwilling to let go of the child I had taken care of since she was 2 months old.
And then in August the time came. I had felt it moving closer and closer, that inevitable decision to move loomed over my head and suddenly I was making plans to drive across the country and let go of California. It was an easy decision to make, but the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would watch Mylie sleep and wonder how I could ever leave her.
Now I am here in North Carolina and the recovery after the drive was quite long. When I got here and the adrenaline wore off I felt as if I had never gotten treatment in the first place. Gone was ANY energy I had, gone was ANY desire to be a part of anything. I just felt slammed again.
It has been 2 months today since that U-haul trailer hit California soil and traveled the expanse of miles. My mind reels.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my "recovery" is inching back. I feel a spark here and there. This last week alone I went out 3 days in a row! I even drove myself, and while driving can be a little daunting (especially at night) I did it! I have found a possible home church, I have gone walking when able, and I have been learning so much about myself and about how to accommodate my illness.
My fellow fibro warrior has taught me a few of her tricks, such as marinating in bed awhile after waking up. Usually I would bounce out, race to the bathroom, choke down all the meds and start the day in a frenzied rush.
Why?
It's simple.
My body doesn't operate that way anymore and it hasn't for a long time. Poor thing. I have been driving it to the absolute brink, even when I have told myself I was resting.
Ha! I was fooling myself.
The definition of resting is:
"Cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.
Remain or be left in a specified condition: "rest assured".
So now I have started to rest. I am so thankful to have teachers in everyone around me- from the birds to the trees to the children to the friends to the family and all else. I am blessed to be privy to such amazing insight every single day.
I have my fair share of annoyances or bad moods. I have times where it feels dismal and I want to throw in the towel. I get easily frustrated, especially at myself. I have been so hesitant to be labeled as a "sicky," that somewhere along the way I stopped trying to understand that I AM SICK, and there is NO shame in that.
While watching 50/50 (*spoiler alert for those of you wanting to watch this film) my heart ached. I felt him as he sat across from the doctor who told him with no emotion of his diagnosis. When that happens time stops still and a disconnect occurs. The healthy world and you. That's it. Black and white. It all becomes muted in the face of a lifetime sentence.
Then I watched as his friends and family found out and they fumbled with words and their own grief. I watched as he tried to comfort them in the midst of his own disbelief and shock, and I remembered how that felt. To be strong while others fall apart at your health crisis. I remembered the aggravation I felt when people wouldn't let me be. They needed answers, they wanted to offer me solutions to a problem they couldn't quite equate.
I watched as he lost people who he thought were there for him. People he thought would be there, but who dismissed him when he no longer belonged in their world.
Then he started to meet others who were going through what he went through...
my throat aches with unshed tears.
THIS is what makes illness bearable on the worst of days.
Knowing others who are with you in this (whatever it is for you). People who understand when you are too sick to move, people who can make you laugh, people who teach you how to survive. Terminal or not, any life-changing condition WILL rock your entire world. It helps in a way I cannot describe to have fellow fighters alongside of you.
I watched as he told himself and others that he was fine. I've been there. The shock, then the anger. I listened as he was told by someone, "I don't need you to take care of me." There is a freedom song when someone tells you that. Being sick constantly is a burden and there are so many feelings of guilt and shame that tend to sneak up in you. When you have someone in your life who allows you to be who you are, uglies and all, it provides immense support.
I cried as he went through an isolation phase, and watched as he reached out to his parents for help. I thought of how true it is, that when everyone else fails us, our parents (hopefully) remain. They love us like no other people do.
I cried as he prepared for surgery and the possibility that he could die during it, and as he screamed at the top of his lungs in the car I recalled many moments where I could only scream, or wail or cry as all of the feelings collided and spilled out and over one another.
I felt a deep, deep gratitude for my friends and family who have attempted to understand this with me. In the movie he uncovers a book in his best friend's bathroom, notes and all scrawled inside. He had been under the impression that all his friend cared about was something else, and then he discovered that all along his friend had been grieving on his own.
It makes me understand that people do love me. People have tried to understand. People have come alongside me. That means everything to me.
I'm full of emotion.
It was just a movie, but at the same time it wasn't. It was another teacher, and I am so full of appreciation for what is in my life.
I am not 100% and I may never be 100% again, but I am somewhere on the road to managing my illness and that is amazing.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday
Today finds me with the weight of fatigue cast over my body like a heavy cloak. I am not sure why I've been having such a difficult time lately. The only conclusion I can draw upon is that as the candida dies off the more sick I feel. I recall my doctors telling me this may happen as the different medications combat the candida, and kill it off. That means it is working!
I was without 2 medications for a good while as I waited for it to arrive from California and so my body started to bloat and turn against me in a major way. I woke up one morning with that rib crushing pain, and intense nausea. Yesterday I felt like I was on fire, though my skin was cool to the touch. There was a churning in my stomach, as if it were being ground into tiny pieces. It was horrendous. I felt light-headed and thought I would pass out a time or two, but I did not. Thank goodness!
Tonight my mom cooked my most favorite dinner (roast beef) and I have decided to check out another church in town. I have visited one since I moved here, and it was a lovely place. I immediately felt drawn to it and decided I would definitely pick there as my home church. Then I realized I was being impatient and not waiting on the Lord. So Aaron found out about another church when he went to social services. It has a main campus about 30 minutes from home which meets on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings, and a sister campus about 15 minutes away which meets on Thursdays evenings. My mom also drove by another church which I may check out (if my body allows) this weekend. I don't feel like doing anything right now, but I am pushing myself just enough. It's important to get out occasionally (I go out maybe once a week, two if it is a good week- and only to the store or church). It does a lot mentally to maintain a sliver of normalcy, such as driving by myself (which I am able to do sometimes) or being out in the real world. I often feel quarantined and away from society. That is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the internet enables friendships to begin and grow, and also boasts online sermons and an ample variety of worship music. Still, little "field trips" like tonight are freeing.
I am excited and at the same time I don't want to get my hopes too high. I am still sifting through what Abba is having me do through this season. I know I am called to "the wilderness" but I also know I run the risk of isolation and being even more available for the enemy to attack is I stay away from church altogether. So for now my decision is to be open-minded and to remain in prayer about all of the things stirring in my mind. When He calls me to a specific church I will know... just like I did in California. Certain peeves aside, I do miss my home church. I miss the atmosphere of Holy Spirit rain and the joy that was found just by sitting in surrender. I love worshiping almost more then anything else, and being surrounded by other believers singing, crying, laughing, and groaning with the power of the Holy Spirit is like a tiny glimpse into the heavenlies. I adore it.
Mylie has grown SO much since I saw her last on August 16, 2011. We talk frequently and skype when we can, but it is not enough. I miss her everyday, all the time. She's so precious.
Until next time!
I was without 2 medications for a good while as I waited for it to arrive from California and so my body started to bloat and turn against me in a major way. I woke up one morning with that rib crushing pain, and intense nausea. Yesterday I felt like I was on fire, though my skin was cool to the touch. There was a churning in my stomach, as if it were being ground into tiny pieces. It was horrendous. I felt light-headed and thought I would pass out a time or two, but I did not. Thank goodness!
Tonight my mom cooked my most favorite dinner (roast beef) and I have decided to check out another church in town. I have visited one since I moved here, and it was a lovely place. I immediately felt drawn to it and decided I would definitely pick there as my home church. Then I realized I was being impatient and not waiting on the Lord. So Aaron found out about another church when he went to social services. It has a main campus about 30 minutes from home which meets on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings, and a sister campus about 15 minutes away which meets on Thursdays evenings. My mom also drove by another church which I may check out (if my body allows) this weekend. I don't feel like doing anything right now, but I am pushing myself just enough. It's important to get out occasionally (I go out maybe once a week, two if it is a good week- and only to the store or church). It does a lot mentally to maintain a sliver of normalcy, such as driving by myself (which I am able to do sometimes) or being out in the real world. I often feel quarantined and away from society. That is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since the internet enables friendships to begin and grow, and also boasts online sermons and an ample variety of worship music. Still, little "field trips" like tonight are freeing.
I am excited and at the same time I don't want to get my hopes too high. I am still sifting through what Abba is having me do through this season. I know I am called to "the wilderness" but I also know I run the risk of isolation and being even more available for the enemy to attack is I stay away from church altogether. So for now my decision is to be open-minded and to remain in prayer about all of the things stirring in my mind. When He calls me to a specific church I will know... just like I did in California. Certain peeves aside, I do miss my home church. I miss the atmosphere of Holy Spirit rain and the joy that was found just by sitting in surrender. I love worshiping almost more then anything else, and being surrounded by other believers singing, crying, laughing, and groaning with the power of the Holy Spirit is like a tiny glimpse into the heavenlies. I adore it.
Mylie has grown SO much since I saw her last on August 16, 2011. We talk frequently and skype when we can, but it is not enough. I miss her everyday, all the time. She's so precious.
Until next time!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Gratitude List (inspired by Monica):
-the smell of vanilla candles
-my dear friend Alex who understands me like no one else seems to
-my mom
-my dad
-Aaron
-memories <3 -food to eat -redemption -pain medication -technology -books to read -sermons online -The Big Bang Theory episodes -the sweet, sweet encouraging message from La'Tees and our bond transcending the miles -marinating in the fragrance of Jesus newly every day -scripture that is bold and sustaining no matter what -rain and the delicious way it smells -my Snuggie -love in all forms Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Romans 8:1-4
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
-the smell of vanilla candles
-my dear friend Alex who understands me like no one else seems to
-my mom
-my dad
-Aaron
-memories <3 -food to eat -redemption -pain medication -technology -books to read -sermons online -The Big Bang Theory episodes -the sweet, sweet encouraging message from La'Tees and our bond transcending the miles -marinating in the fragrance of Jesus newly every day -scripture that is bold and sustaining no matter what -rain and the delicious way it smells -my Snuggie -love in all forms Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Romans 8:1-4
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Rantings of a Flare
*This post conveys a day in which I felt utterly dismal. It is not a reflection of how I feel on a daily basis, but it does accurately portray what it is like living in a sick body on one of the harder days. Please read only if you can do so without judgment or Christianese. It takes a lot of vulnerability to share my Fibromyalgia experiences, and I wish not to hear unsolicited opinions or advice. I believe in being honest and although I know my God is faithful, I also know He can handle my tears and frustrations. Lets leave the judging to Him. Thank you sincerely.
From my journal on 10/08/2011
I feel like I can't so anything correctly. Math is all wrong. I cry too easily. I feel impatient and demanding and shrill and needy. I miss Mylie. I miss the girls. I miss my church. I miss the past. I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm discontent. I feel that I am a burden to everyone.
1:21pm
I miss Mylie. I fell asleep crying. I can see why I had to go but that doesn't make the guilt go away. I feel like "if, if, if." "If" I didn't get sick I would have still been able to take care of her. "If" I hadn't realized the clique-ish wave at my old church I could have stayed in leadership and still been super involved. But that would mean I wouldn't have woken up and that's the worse choice. This guilt has been eating me alive lately. I sit here after a shower trying to drive up some energy to do anything besides sit here.
I don't feel good enough (*major revelation and crucial to my path to wellness). Being so full of limitations has triggered something so deep within me. I hardly want to write that down. I haven't felt like this in years. All of these healed places in me are being ripped open and the wounds feel fresh.
I've been "officially" sick since November of 2009, but symptoms started as early as 2007. Migraines, extreme exhaustion, vertigo, constant colds and flu viruses for 2 whole years before it fully blew up and erupted all over my carefully constructed life. How long will it take for me to accept it? Feeling so bad does not mean I was not healed.
I have been defined by cultural success. I have had a "role" for my whole life. I was a hard worker. I was efficient. I was fast. I was capable.
Lord, I do not feel worthy anymore. Which to me says I felt I earned my worth rather then accepted Your grace and Your call to live a worthy life in YOU. When did I start condemning myself? I see the difference in my outer self. I have become harsh and critical in spirit. I don't feel loving or love-able on days like these and so I project it onto those closest to me. "Hurt people hurt people." I am engaging in activities that only aid me in harboring these negative emotions. Guilt corners me in and I childishly believe that this one journal entry is going to wipe all of this away.
The powerlessness clings to me. I am alone in my struggle. I sometimes have wondered if You have left me. I am a see saw when it comes to friendships. I don't even know what that word means anymore.
I sit here puzzled. Where did my life go? I feel that I must have displeased You to be enduring such strife with my own body. So much bitterness has lodged itself inside of me. I am a cannon of explosive anger and easily irritated. I can't seem to find myself when it gets like this. I am grateful You can read my heart and know exactly what I mean when my words fail to convey my heart.
Anger coils inside of me right now. I find it frustrating to watch others take their health for granted. It angers me when people complain about trivial matters or having a simple cold or headache. I want to be compassionate and loving but how to do that when faced with this wall? I want to scream and wail and cry.
I don't feel like I can climb out of this pot of guilt. I really, literally see myself as a burden. I no longer speak life. My words are complaints. My heart is wedged with bitterness that won't move left or right. I feel like I am pulling everyone down. I know I cannot stay like this but I don't know how to climb out.
Daniel 6:10
Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.
So I will fill up yet another book about these woes and probably burn it someday like all of the others. Jesus, where is my hope? Where is my drive? I feel like I don't care about anything right now. Like I am destructive and all that I touch becomes soiled. How can I know 100% that those are lies from the enemy and still believe them??? Is my life worth it? Am I worth it to You? Why am I afflicted? I understand trials but this feels like torment.
I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being trapped. I don't think I have fully accepted Fibromyalgia in MY life. I have been so busy trying to be validated and accepted by everyone around me that I have forgotten to accept it for myself.
Can I love myself like this? Maybe that is why I think everyone else sees me as a burden, because I feel like a burden to myself. I know what I am supposed to say and how I shouldn't complain but why? That's not real. What's real is admitting that I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up like I did this morning after 10 hours of slumber, and wish for another 10. I don't want to disappoint my mom when she wants me to go to the store with her. I don't want to be "trapped" inside when the weather outside is perfect for a walk. I don't want to read everyone elses Facebook statuses and watch my own life become stale.
I no longer dream of returning to the Philippines. I no longer feel I could ever have a job again. I no longer can eat what I want or do what I want. I cannot enjoy cold weather like I have my whole life because fibro hates the cold. I hate how my wrist and arm can ache all day for no reason. I hate how I can't even comprehend simple things sometimes and how I forget things as soon as they are said and I'm meant with doubtful gazes, "don't you remember?"
No, no I don't an your palpable disgust at my inability to do so really makes me feel worse. I loathe how my main option is to watch television and I resent that I'd rather do that then read sometimes because it takes the least effort.
I pick fights and I eat all the wrong foods (*Again this is indicative of a flare time not in general). I need sounds to not be loud or hugs to be too hard. I feel immense guilt after stating what I need. Everything is an issue.
My days area fog. Even if I enjoy myself I still find that it has all become a blur. A haze of maybe memories.
I feel obligation- thick as anything. As a Christian, as an auntie, as a daughter. To phone calls and Facebook.
I worry. I worry about if I will have to live off of my parents for the rest of my life. I don't feel fun.
I miss being a "mama." I miss field trips and a car full of youngins, talks and carting them all around. I miss them. I miss us. Those were the relationships I never wanted to break up with. And even though they are still in my life, it's different. Very different. My heart is empty.
Because I would still choose that life. The busy, chaotic, crazy life. It was rich and beautiful and it mattered more to me then this dismal, bland, always gray existence.
And those "babies" weren't mine to keep. I was always going to have to let them go.
I loved that life... of toys crowding the backseat, crammed days of swimming lessons, girl scouts, dance class, etc. I loved my car always full of youth. I loved being a mom even though it was only temporary.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
How do I get there?
Goals.
Laughable.
As Teenagers we were told to make 5 or 10 year plans.
Well what of when
life is interrupted by a diagnosis?
Like mine,
Everything stops.
Changes.
And you have to wait
as life rearranges and
rewrites all around you.
Striking out all of the goals and dreams
you once carried so close to
your heart.
Gone.
10-09-2011
Certain truths get buried as I go through guilt and loss and anger with Fibromyalgia. I have to remember who God says I am when it feels like all is lost.
I AM:
strong
honest
hardworking
a good friend
detailed
compassionate
prayerful
open
kind
loveable
worthy
redeemed
powerful
a leader
tender-hearted
silly
excited for life (ZEST)
mama's heart for all children
willing
in love with Jesus
heart for the nations (Philippines)
encourager
intelligent
fun
lyrical
forgiven
worshiper
"auntie janet"
10-10-2011
I am still in a flare, but slowly (oh so slowly!) coming out of it. My perspective changes with the state of my health. Today I am marinating on these verses (see below) to pull me through.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:7-10
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:1-6
He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.
Psalm 107:7
Check this out! What a promise!!!!
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2
Thank you Job for keepin' it real!
Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
Job 30:26-27
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!
Job 13:15-16
“Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:8-12
If only you would hide me in the grave
and conceal me till your anger has passed!
If only you would set me a time
and then remember me!
If someone dies, will they live again?
All the days of my hard service
I will wait for my renewal[b] to come.
You will call and I will answer you;
you will long for the creature your hands have made.
Surely then you will count my steps
but not keep track of my sin.
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag;
you will cover over my sin.
Job 14:13-17
We can glean SO very much from our brother, Job. What faith!
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:26-27
Here are some things I am working on:
-walking when my body is able.
-eating more greens and NO sugar (once I have one taste the candida has a party and suddenly my body wants only sugar and my gut has expanded exponentially).
-continuing to purge television shows as they reveal themselves to be vile and senseless.
-staying connected to the body of Christ (those in my sphere whom God has called me to be yoked to. Treasured prayer warriors and friends who share the love of Christ) as I pray about which church to commit to. For a season I am being called to "the wilderness," where God is reshaping what church is really about.
-journaling/worshiping/praying/being in the Word
-learning how to accept illness and how it has changed MY life.
Note:
One thing I have been told repeatedly by caring friends who are in the same boat as me, is that when you are chronically ill you MUST let go of ALL negative influences and relationships. It is a true detriment to the current health crisis. With that said...
I don't have time or tolerance for people who speak words without understanding that the pain I speak of is necessary for growth. That the mountaintop experiences are great but honestly quite pale in comparison to the low, low valleys that bring pain and suffering to the surface so that God can come and make something so amazingly beautiful out of it. I'm not looking for a fad or the neatest new book by a Christian author (though there are some incredible ones. Check out "Kisses From Katie"). I am in pursuit of relationship with Jesus. Authentic, pure, and incomparable to anything else that this world has to offer. More then a spouse, more then children, more then my very breath. In order to have that, I must concede to the trials and bring my heartache to the very one who created this body. I wonder how many times God clucks his tongue as we don't take time to grieve with his other children. Fellowship is NOT about meeting at the local Starbucks or having another "awesome" Bible study (although those things are fun and contribute to personal growth). Fellowship is opening up our hearts so, so wide and taking on what the brethren is going through. It is interceding with all of our hearts and relying on the sweet, sweet mercies from our shared heavenly Father. It is meeting someone through blogger and being eternally connected by the blood of Jesus, having a brother or sister to call or text or spill ourselves to in the dead of night, knowing that our human words will not mean as much as those cries to Jesus do. Fellowship is sacrifice. Fellowship is not candles and tidy prayers while we sip our apple ciders (again, these are all things I have experienced and adore) in the comfort of a living room decorated to the nines. Fellowship is messy sometimes. And there it finds its beauty. What is sweeter then the sight of God's children in the dirt together, believing, honoring, carrying one another when life gets too heavy? What a precious sight that would be to our Father's very heart. No Christian lingo, no platitudes, no cultured pats on the back, but sincere worship and gratitude for a King that laid down His lives for us.
Now that is beautiful.
Going through a health crucible is incredibly difficult. There are days of hopelessness and sorrow, when it seems like nothing will ever be bright again just as there are days of extreme hope and full joy in knowing that there will always be a better day ahead. It gets maddening. A continual process of accepting limitations and adhering to them. Some will try to give advice that you don't truly want. Some will start preaching at you with no heart behind it. Some will offer quick fixes they actually believe will work. So many questions will be asked.... "how is your diet?" or "are you exercising?" Even others who struggle with their own health issues can be dismissive because being sick doesn't fit in their lifestyle, so they don't want it to be allowed in yours. You will lose "friends" and you will lose yourself sometimes. It's permissible to question everything. In fact, something way worse may be occurring if you are not facing these times of extreme isolation and fear.
Drop the pride, drop the pretense. Allow the truth of your situation to reveal Jesus in it. That's a challenge, eh? To lay down our agenda... that neat, tidy little thing that prevents us from fully submitting to God?
From my journal on 10/08/2011
I feel like I can't so anything correctly. Math is all wrong. I cry too easily. I feel impatient and demanding and shrill and needy. I miss Mylie. I miss the girls. I miss my church. I miss the past. I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm discontent. I feel that I am a burden to everyone.
1:21pm
I miss Mylie. I fell asleep crying. I can see why I had to go but that doesn't make the guilt go away. I feel like "if, if, if." "If" I didn't get sick I would have still been able to take care of her. "If" I hadn't realized the clique-ish wave at my old church I could have stayed in leadership and still been super involved. But that would mean I wouldn't have woken up and that's the worse choice. This guilt has been eating me alive lately. I sit here after a shower trying to drive up some energy to do anything besides sit here.
I don't feel good enough (*major revelation and crucial to my path to wellness). Being so full of limitations has triggered something so deep within me. I hardly want to write that down. I haven't felt like this in years. All of these healed places in me are being ripped open and the wounds feel fresh.
I've been "officially" sick since November of 2009, but symptoms started as early as 2007. Migraines, extreme exhaustion, vertigo, constant colds and flu viruses for 2 whole years before it fully blew up and erupted all over my carefully constructed life. How long will it take for me to accept it? Feeling so bad does not mean I was not healed.
I have been defined by cultural success. I have had a "role" for my whole life. I was a hard worker. I was efficient. I was fast. I was capable.
Lord, I do not feel worthy anymore. Which to me says I felt I earned my worth rather then accepted Your grace and Your call to live a worthy life in YOU. When did I start condemning myself? I see the difference in my outer self. I have become harsh and critical in spirit. I don't feel loving or love-able on days like these and so I project it onto those closest to me. "Hurt people hurt people." I am engaging in activities that only aid me in harboring these negative emotions. Guilt corners me in and I childishly believe that this one journal entry is going to wipe all of this away.
The powerlessness clings to me. I am alone in my struggle. I sometimes have wondered if You have left me. I am a see saw when it comes to friendships. I don't even know what that word means anymore.
I sit here puzzled. Where did my life go? I feel that I must have displeased You to be enduring such strife with my own body. So much bitterness has lodged itself inside of me. I am a cannon of explosive anger and easily irritated. I can't seem to find myself when it gets like this. I am grateful You can read my heart and know exactly what I mean when my words fail to convey my heart.
Anger coils inside of me right now. I find it frustrating to watch others take their health for granted. It angers me when people complain about trivial matters or having a simple cold or headache. I want to be compassionate and loving but how to do that when faced with this wall? I want to scream and wail and cry.
I don't feel like I can climb out of this pot of guilt. I really, literally see myself as a burden. I no longer speak life. My words are complaints. My heart is wedged with bitterness that won't move left or right. I feel like I am pulling everyone down. I know I cannot stay like this but I don't know how to climb out.
Daniel 6:10
Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.
So I will fill up yet another book about these woes and probably burn it someday like all of the others. Jesus, where is my hope? Where is my drive? I feel like I don't care about anything right now. Like I am destructive and all that I touch becomes soiled. How can I know 100% that those are lies from the enemy and still believe them??? Is my life worth it? Am I worth it to You? Why am I afflicted? I understand trials but this feels like torment.
I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being trapped. I don't think I have fully accepted Fibromyalgia in MY life. I have been so busy trying to be validated and accepted by everyone around me that I have forgotten to accept it for myself.
Can I love myself like this? Maybe that is why I think everyone else sees me as a burden, because I feel like a burden to myself. I know what I am supposed to say and how I shouldn't complain but why? That's not real. What's real is admitting that I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up like I did this morning after 10 hours of slumber, and wish for another 10. I don't want to disappoint my mom when she wants me to go to the store with her. I don't want to be "trapped" inside when the weather outside is perfect for a walk. I don't want to read everyone elses Facebook statuses and watch my own life become stale.
I no longer dream of returning to the Philippines. I no longer feel I could ever have a job again. I no longer can eat what I want or do what I want. I cannot enjoy cold weather like I have my whole life because fibro hates the cold. I hate how my wrist and arm can ache all day for no reason. I hate how I can't even comprehend simple things sometimes and how I forget things as soon as they are said and I'm meant with doubtful gazes, "don't you remember?"
No, no I don't an your palpable disgust at my inability to do so really makes me feel worse. I loathe how my main option is to watch television and I resent that I'd rather do that then read sometimes because it takes the least effort.
I pick fights and I eat all the wrong foods (*Again this is indicative of a flare time not in general). I need sounds to not be loud or hugs to be too hard. I feel immense guilt after stating what I need. Everything is an issue.
My days area fog. Even if I enjoy myself I still find that it has all become a blur. A haze of maybe memories.
I feel obligation- thick as anything. As a Christian, as an auntie, as a daughter. To phone calls and Facebook.
I worry. I worry about if I will have to live off of my parents for the rest of my life. I don't feel fun.
I miss being a "mama." I miss field trips and a car full of youngins, talks and carting them all around. I miss them. I miss us. Those were the relationships I never wanted to break up with. And even though they are still in my life, it's different. Very different. My heart is empty.
Because I would still choose that life. The busy, chaotic, crazy life. It was rich and beautiful and it mattered more to me then this dismal, bland, always gray existence.
And those "babies" weren't mine to keep. I was always going to have to let them go.
I loved that life... of toys crowding the backseat, crammed days of swimming lessons, girl scouts, dance class, etc. I loved my car always full of youth. I loved being a mom even though it was only temporary.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
How do I get there?
Goals.
Laughable.
As Teenagers we were told to make 5 or 10 year plans.
Well what of when
life is interrupted by a diagnosis?
Like mine,
Everything stops.
Changes.
And you have to wait
as life rearranges and
rewrites all around you.
Striking out all of the goals and dreams
you once carried so close to
your heart.
Gone.
10-09-2011
Certain truths get buried as I go through guilt and loss and anger with Fibromyalgia. I have to remember who God says I am when it feels like all is lost.
I AM:
strong
honest
hardworking
a good friend
detailed
compassionate
prayerful
open
kind
loveable
worthy
redeemed
powerful
a leader
tender-hearted
silly
excited for life (ZEST)
mama's heart for all children
willing
in love with Jesus
heart for the nations (Philippines)
encourager
intelligent
fun
lyrical
forgiven
worshiper
"auntie janet"
10-10-2011
I am still in a flare, but slowly (oh so slowly!) coming out of it. My perspective changes with the state of my health. Today I am marinating on these verses (see below) to pull me through.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:7-10
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:1-6
He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.
Psalm 107:7
Check this out! What a promise!!!!
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2
Thank you Job for keepin' it real!
Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;
when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops;
days of suffering confront me.
Job 30:26-27
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!
Job 13:15-16
“Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:8-12
If only you would hide me in the grave
and conceal me till your anger has passed!
If only you would set me a time
and then remember me!
If someone dies, will they live again?
All the days of my hard service
I will wait for my renewal[b] to come.
You will call and I will answer you;
you will long for the creature your hands have made.
Surely then you will count my steps
but not keep track of my sin.
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag;
you will cover over my sin.
Job 14:13-17
We can glean SO very much from our brother, Job. What faith!
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:26-27
Here are some things I am working on:
-walking when my body is able.
-eating more greens and NO sugar (once I have one taste the candida has a party and suddenly my body wants only sugar and my gut has expanded exponentially).
-continuing to purge television shows as they reveal themselves to be vile and senseless.
-staying connected to the body of Christ (those in my sphere whom God has called me to be yoked to. Treasured prayer warriors and friends who share the love of Christ) as I pray about which church to commit to. For a season I am being called to "the wilderness," where God is reshaping what church is really about.
-journaling/worshiping/praying/being in the Word
-learning how to accept illness and how it has changed MY life.
Note:
One thing I have been told repeatedly by caring friends who are in the same boat as me, is that when you are chronically ill you MUST let go of ALL negative influences and relationships. It is a true detriment to the current health crisis. With that said...
I don't have time or tolerance for people who speak words without understanding that the pain I speak of is necessary for growth. That the mountaintop experiences are great but honestly quite pale in comparison to the low, low valleys that bring pain and suffering to the surface so that God can come and make something so amazingly beautiful out of it. I'm not looking for a fad or the neatest new book by a Christian author (though there are some incredible ones. Check out "Kisses From Katie"). I am in pursuit of relationship with Jesus. Authentic, pure, and incomparable to anything else that this world has to offer. More then a spouse, more then children, more then my very breath. In order to have that, I must concede to the trials and bring my heartache to the very one who created this body. I wonder how many times God clucks his tongue as we don't take time to grieve with his other children. Fellowship is NOT about meeting at the local Starbucks or having another "awesome" Bible study (although those things are fun and contribute to personal growth). Fellowship is opening up our hearts so, so wide and taking on what the brethren is going through. It is interceding with all of our hearts and relying on the sweet, sweet mercies from our shared heavenly Father. It is meeting someone through blogger and being eternally connected by the blood of Jesus, having a brother or sister to call or text or spill ourselves to in the dead of night, knowing that our human words will not mean as much as those cries to Jesus do. Fellowship is sacrifice. Fellowship is not candles and tidy prayers while we sip our apple ciders (again, these are all things I have experienced and adore) in the comfort of a living room decorated to the nines. Fellowship is messy sometimes. And there it finds its beauty. What is sweeter then the sight of God's children in the dirt together, believing, honoring, carrying one another when life gets too heavy? What a precious sight that would be to our Father's very heart. No Christian lingo, no platitudes, no cultured pats on the back, but sincere worship and gratitude for a King that laid down His lives for us.
Now that is beautiful.
Going through a health crucible is incredibly difficult. There are days of hopelessness and sorrow, when it seems like nothing will ever be bright again just as there are days of extreme hope and full joy in knowing that there will always be a better day ahead. It gets maddening. A continual process of accepting limitations and adhering to them. Some will try to give advice that you don't truly want. Some will start preaching at you with no heart behind it. Some will offer quick fixes they actually believe will work. So many questions will be asked.... "how is your diet?" or "are you exercising?" Even others who struggle with their own health issues can be dismissive because being sick doesn't fit in their lifestyle, so they don't want it to be allowed in yours. You will lose "friends" and you will lose yourself sometimes. It's permissible to question everything. In fact, something way worse may be occurring if you are not facing these times of extreme isolation and fear.
Drop the pride, drop the pretense. Allow the truth of your situation to reveal Jesus in it. That's a challenge, eh? To lay down our agenda... that neat, tidy little thing that prevents us from fully submitting to God?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Progress report:
I'm regaining some balance after the move Fibro-wise.
I have not had Saccromyces for 2 weeks as of today because the clinic forgot to mail it with the other supplements. It should be here next week. Fingers crossed.
I am now up to 5 teaspoons of Vitamin C Sodium. It tastes yucky but whatever works.
Today we went walking again! :) It was my 7th time, so I am slowly working up. One jaunt around the block is half a mile. When I can make it 2 rounds around it'll be 1 mile. I probably won't get there for awhile since one time around bodes a break halfway. ;)
I can't wait for church on Sunday (and there is also an evening service the first Sunday of every month, so yay!)
I am finally reading A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers. I delight in her books. Redeeming Love is my absolute favorite.
Found that Big Bang Theory is incredibly funny thanks to re-runs.
I got to skype with my little last night and found out she lost her first baby tooth. It makes me sad. This is the 3rd milestone I have missed since I moved (her first day of Kindergarten, first field trip, and now her first lost tooth). She said she didn't want the tooth fairy to come. She seemed sad. I know she's sensitive about her teeth. I am grateful that we can skype and talk on the phone but it's not the same. I miss playing games and having conversations with my best girl. I miss playing beauty shop and when she would pretend to drive us to NC or Disneyland or to a drive-thru in Aaron's car. I miss the way she smelled baby fresh after a bath and her sweet little hugs. I miss reading books and making up songs and praying together. I miss how she'd pretend to go to Walgreens for my prescriptions. ;)
I fell asleep sad and asking Abba to come and fill up my heart with peace again. I know He has brought me here and so I have to trust that she'll be okay and that she is happy.
Until next time friends!
I'm regaining some balance after the move Fibro-wise.
I have not had Saccromyces for 2 weeks as of today because the clinic forgot to mail it with the other supplements. It should be here next week. Fingers crossed.
I am now up to 5 teaspoons of Vitamin C Sodium. It tastes yucky but whatever works.
Today we went walking again! :) It was my 7th time, so I am slowly working up. One jaunt around the block is half a mile. When I can make it 2 rounds around it'll be 1 mile. I probably won't get there for awhile since one time around bodes a break halfway. ;)
I can't wait for church on Sunday (and there is also an evening service the first Sunday of every month, so yay!)
I am finally reading A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers. I delight in her books. Redeeming Love is my absolute favorite.
Found that Big Bang Theory is incredibly funny thanks to re-runs.
I got to skype with my little last night and found out she lost her first baby tooth. It makes me sad. This is the 3rd milestone I have missed since I moved (her first day of Kindergarten, first field trip, and now her first lost tooth). She said she didn't want the tooth fairy to come. She seemed sad. I know she's sensitive about her teeth. I am grateful that we can skype and talk on the phone but it's not the same. I miss playing games and having conversations with my best girl. I miss playing beauty shop and when she would pretend to drive us to NC or Disneyland or to a drive-thru in Aaron's car. I miss the way she smelled baby fresh after a bath and her sweet little hugs. I miss reading books and making up songs and praying together. I miss how she'd pretend to go to Walgreens for my prescriptions. ;)
I fell asleep sad and asking Abba to come and fill up my heart with peace again. I know He has brought me here and so I have to trust that she'll be okay and that she is happy.
Until next time friends!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
Isaiah 58:6-12
Lord,
Thank you for affording me the opportunity to go on a walk yesterday. Being able to sit in stillness worshiping you next to a field full of trees, plants, flowers, butterflies, a lizard, numerous insects, and the blue sky overhead was such a pleasure. And it was there that you ignited that spark which drew me here to this place.
Revival.
Not just contained in a building, but in this neighborhood. In Pikeville. In Goldsboro. Though I am full of faults you are equipping me to continue forward. You have blessed my life richly with amazing trainers in the faith. From pastors to small group leaders to children and all else in-between. This move was FOR me, but it is primarily about what you would do through me while I am here. There are some things you want to transform in this town. A town I once arrogantly proclaimed I would not move to.
I sat in my quarantined, spirit-filled church and felt GLAD that I was there and not somewhere else.
And now, here I sit, in love with where you have called me to be. Yes, for healing. Yes, for restoration. But ultimately it's because you, oh God, have a heart for ALL people and your longing to draw others to you is raging like wildfire through my very bone and marrow.
Thank you for the lessons in humility this past week. I am often so very quick to speak. I steamroll ahead when I should be still. Thank you for breaking me sweetly, Jesus. Thank you for the privilege of praying and worshiping over my new neighborhood. I claim this atmosphere as Yours, oh Lord. Rain down and breathe a fresh fragrance over us.
Thank you for the ability to go to church this morning. Thank you for answering my fevered prayer to make it apparent that this church is where you would have me learn and grow and serve. I pray I would be open to you, Lord. Whatever you want to do, whatever your heartbeat is for those in this community, let my heart also be burdened and open to receive all that you have for us. Let me have a teachable spirit and let me also use the gifts you've entrusted to me for the benefit of your Kingdom.
I have missed ministry. I have missed Bible studies. Being sick has not granted the privilege to fellowship as I used to. I thank you for the deep, deep bonds rooted in your blood alone, that transcend distance. Thank you for faithful prayer warriors who have come alongside me and who I can also stand behind. Thank you for the freedom to pray out loud or read my Bible in public. Please forgive me for taking those things for granted, when in other countries brothers and sisters in the faith are being killed for spreading the gospel.
You are sparking my heart anew with the intensity and beauty of who You are, God. My flesh is persistent and this morning I sat in church and had visions of working in youth ministry again, but right now that is not the season you have me in. Let me be obedient to You and pay no heed to the impatience of my flesh. There is healing you are doing. There is so much growth to be had. I KNOW you have called me into a season of resting in you. We both know I am not so good at that. This is quite the challenge. To be still. My mind and body seem to operate on two different schedules. Help me to be still before you. Bring me back to the simplicity and wonder of who you are, Jesus.
Being at church today reminded me of when I first came to know You. The excitement, the desire to throw all of oneself into this new relationship. Thank you that you reignite hearts on a consistent basis. I can see now how the mega church experience that was so disheartening this past year and all of my turmoil over that heartbreak was leading me to this place of simplicity. Just me and you and what you want to do, Lord. I was getting so repelled by the western church experience. Burnt out. Done. Going to the Philippines forever stripped me of that desire of what I saw displayed in certain Christian arenas. Thank you for bringing me closer to your heart.
This last spiritual season was so very dark and brittle, and yet, you have shown me SO much Abba. You continue to amaze me with your love for me. You take my shame, my brokenness, my fears and failures and you use me anyway.
How amazing!
Thank you for confirming today all of what you have been whispering to my heart. I hear you. You spoke loud and clear through the pastor today: "you are among these people that are going to change the community."
I think as a believer, after a certain amount of years, it's easy to not be excited at all of the things You are doing anymore. I feel like I am falling in love again! You are affirming in scripture, at church, in devotionals, in the secret place... that You want me to start back at the basics of knowing You.
That's it.
No fantastic new read by a Christian author.
No fancy songs.
No fancy leadership status.
No obligations.
No tricks.
Just You.
I am a very lucky woman.
I am so thankful to you, Abba, for what you are purging out of me with these illnesses. You are so good to me.
I have felt inadequate with fibromyalgia.
I have felt angry.
I have felt inefficient because I am not my "old self."
I have condemned myself and others in my pain.
I have felt unusable.
All of those are lies from the enemy, for where I am weak, You are strong.
Again and again I turn to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
Wow!!!
Just wow!
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
Isaiah 58:6-12
Lord,
Thank you for affording me the opportunity to go on a walk yesterday. Being able to sit in stillness worshiping you next to a field full of trees, plants, flowers, butterflies, a lizard, numerous insects, and the blue sky overhead was such a pleasure. And it was there that you ignited that spark which drew me here to this place.
Revival.
Not just contained in a building, but in this neighborhood. In Pikeville. In Goldsboro. Though I am full of faults you are equipping me to continue forward. You have blessed my life richly with amazing trainers in the faith. From pastors to small group leaders to children and all else in-between. This move was FOR me, but it is primarily about what you would do through me while I am here. There are some things you want to transform in this town. A town I once arrogantly proclaimed I would not move to.
I sat in my quarantined, spirit-filled church and felt GLAD that I was there and not somewhere else.
And now, here I sit, in love with where you have called me to be. Yes, for healing. Yes, for restoration. But ultimately it's because you, oh God, have a heart for ALL people and your longing to draw others to you is raging like wildfire through my very bone and marrow.
Thank you for the lessons in humility this past week. I am often so very quick to speak. I steamroll ahead when I should be still. Thank you for breaking me sweetly, Jesus. Thank you for the privilege of praying and worshiping over my new neighborhood. I claim this atmosphere as Yours, oh Lord. Rain down and breathe a fresh fragrance over us.
Thank you for the ability to go to church this morning. Thank you for answering my fevered prayer to make it apparent that this church is where you would have me learn and grow and serve. I pray I would be open to you, Lord. Whatever you want to do, whatever your heartbeat is for those in this community, let my heart also be burdened and open to receive all that you have for us. Let me have a teachable spirit and let me also use the gifts you've entrusted to me for the benefit of your Kingdom.
I have missed ministry. I have missed Bible studies. Being sick has not granted the privilege to fellowship as I used to. I thank you for the deep, deep bonds rooted in your blood alone, that transcend distance. Thank you for faithful prayer warriors who have come alongside me and who I can also stand behind. Thank you for the freedom to pray out loud or read my Bible in public. Please forgive me for taking those things for granted, when in other countries brothers and sisters in the faith are being killed for spreading the gospel.
You are sparking my heart anew with the intensity and beauty of who You are, God. My flesh is persistent and this morning I sat in church and had visions of working in youth ministry again, but right now that is not the season you have me in. Let me be obedient to You and pay no heed to the impatience of my flesh. There is healing you are doing. There is so much growth to be had. I KNOW you have called me into a season of resting in you. We both know I am not so good at that. This is quite the challenge. To be still. My mind and body seem to operate on two different schedules. Help me to be still before you. Bring me back to the simplicity and wonder of who you are, Jesus.
Being at church today reminded me of when I first came to know You. The excitement, the desire to throw all of oneself into this new relationship. Thank you that you reignite hearts on a consistent basis. I can see now how the mega church experience that was so disheartening this past year and all of my turmoil over that heartbreak was leading me to this place of simplicity. Just me and you and what you want to do, Lord. I was getting so repelled by the western church experience. Burnt out. Done. Going to the Philippines forever stripped me of that desire of what I saw displayed in certain Christian arenas. Thank you for bringing me closer to your heart.
This last spiritual season was so very dark and brittle, and yet, you have shown me SO much Abba. You continue to amaze me with your love for me. You take my shame, my brokenness, my fears and failures and you use me anyway.
How amazing!
Thank you for confirming today all of what you have been whispering to my heart. I hear you. You spoke loud and clear through the pastor today: "you are among these people that are going to change the community."
I think as a believer, after a certain amount of years, it's easy to not be excited at all of the things You are doing anymore. I feel like I am falling in love again! You are affirming in scripture, at church, in devotionals, in the secret place... that You want me to start back at the basics of knowing You.
That's it.
No fantastic new read by a Christian author.
No fancy songs.
No fancy leadership status.
No obligations.
No tricks.
Just You.
I am a very lucky woman.
I am so thankful to you, Abba, for what you are purging out of me with these illnesses. You are so good to me.
I have felt inadequate with fibromyalgia.
I have felt angry.
I have felt inefficient because I am not my "old self."
I have condemned myself and others in my pain.
I have felt unusable.
All of those are lies from the enemy, for where I am weak, You are strong.
Again and again I turn to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
Wow!!!
Just wow!
Friday, September 23, 2011
When the doctor told me that driving cross country was really going to take a toll on the fibro and that I would need to recuperate for awhile I took it for what it was worth. Imagine my surprise when I felt pretty nifty on the road. I was not without pain and I did start to flare towards the end there, but my body held on and I made it from California to North Carolina. Fueled by adrenaline and my lifetime habit of pushing through and finishing before resting (not such a good trait to have)I unpacked the NIGHT I got in, and had my bedroom all situated before going to sleep. I was soaked in sweat and propelled by the pain medication.
I kept at it.
And then it hit. Fibro came and lay claim to that pass it had given me on the road. I felt like the sludge monster and still sort of do. Tomorrow we will have been here for one month. It is all a blur of sounds and sights and colors and breathings of the heart that I recall only vaguely.
I am genuinely delighted to be here. Moments of anguish have permeated me as I have felt flitting emotions of people-sick versus homesick. I think home is wherever God has me at the moment, be it here or California or a boat at sea or on foreign soil, but I do miss some people. I am freshly amazed at the extravagance of God in those moments of sadness, because even through that mingle of missing and aching, there is also joy and contentment. That's so crazy creative of God!
So it has been a process of settling in and letting go. I stopped gorging on sugar 3 days ago and started having greens again, and it makes a world of difference. I like when I am on track and adhering to what my doctor has told me specifically for diet. I am not out of the recovery, but each step towards wellness requires the commitment to do what I know will make me feel better. It's not easy to do and some days my body just won't let me do what I want. Those are the days I cry or have little fits and feel like this is impossible. I get down and I have to get into scripture and into prayer and talk with others (especially my fibro friends online, my sister in-law, and my dear friend, Alex, who is enduring the same trial) so that I can see past the dragon of this disease. It's not an easy peasy cupcake walk. It is demanding and controlling and wicked, and on those truly bad days we honestly have nothing to give away. No energy, no spirit, no umph. There is no ability to jaunt around the block or go to the market or any of those things. There is just the waiting.
And in the waiting comes the gift of growth. The tears pour out so the grief can be addressed. The anger comes out so it can be purged off and a new lesson can be learned.
Illness is quite the teacher, and I both love and hate that.
So this is where I am at now...
I have started to go walking again. Yesterday I took a stroll around the block and after some bad dreams (again) I woke up with one of those god awful charley horses. I used to get them real bad growing up and lately they have come back. So today I did the stretches like I used to before the walk and so far I feel okay.
The thing about fibromyalgia is that to say "I feel okay" is not the same as a normal "I feel okay." Okay to me means that I have 3% of energy instead of none, or it means I feel able to carry on a conversation or get up to use the bathroom. Some days are certainly better then others, and on those days I have to remember to not push too hard or I will fall quickly back into the flare. It's not easy to NOT push when feeling like it's possible to endure more. I'm learning so much about finding happiness in the small packages of each day. It's a true joy to be able to go on a walk or to carry my own plate or cup to the living room. It's a treat to go to the DMV and take a written test and pass. It makes me feel like living is really possible with this disease. Everything affects the mind and the body for those of us with fibromyalgia. So, even sitting in a room with other people robs our bodies of the energy and focus it needs to keep functioning.
I can tell I have another UTI. It has been awhile since the last one, so I am taking some antibiotics left over from when a doctor had told me not to take them and prescribed another kind instead. There is enough for 3 days so I pray it will kick this UTI and the persistent earache away.
I've made an appointment with the fibromyalgia clinic here in NC and I'm hoping for a good connection with the new doctor.
I'm starting to feel like where I was before the big move. After 5 months of treatment and being on medications I was feeling the DRASTIC difference between before I started seeing a specialist and after. When I got here it felt like none of the recovery had EVER happened. In my mind and body it felt like I had never gotten any treatment at all. Now I can see a little more clearly and I know that it's that whole system of balances.
I am back on track and eating healthier then I was, sleeping a bit better, and exercising again. It feels good. With that said, I also understand now that it's okay to not be able to do it all. That I don't need to feel guilty or bad for not being "up to par" these last weeks. I DO feel guilty in the moment.... relying on others to do things for me is always a challenge, but I see afterward that it is for the best.
The reality is that I am sick. This is something I chose to override in California because it did not fit into my lifestyle. Now I have the opportunity to mold my life around my health needs versus trying to fit my health needs around my life.
That's a HUGE deal.
Tonight I am clear-headed and happy and feeling on the road to wellness again. I know I've got quite a walk ahead, but I am willing. I am people-sick for Mylie, for Simonne, Maddison, April, Antonia, and everyone else that means so much to me. I think of long ago days that feel like yesterday and I smile because that time was golden and it serves only to remind me of the goodness of God.
I kept at it.
And then it hit. Fibro came and lay claim to that pass it had given me on the road. I felt like the sludge monster and still sort of do. Tomorrow we will have been here for one month. It is all a blur of sounds and sights and colors and breathings of the heart that I recall only vaguely.
I am genuinely delighted to be here. Moments of anguish have permeated me as I have felt flitting emotions of people-sick versus homesick. I think home is wherever God has me at the moment, be it here or California or a boat at sea or on foreign soil, but I do miss some people. I am freshly amazed at the extravagance of God in those moments of sadness, because even through that mingle of missing and aching, there is also joy and contentment. That's so crazy creative of God!
So it has been a process of settling in and letting go. I stopped gorging on sugar 3 days ago and started having greens again, and it makes a world of difference. I like when I am on track and adhering to what my doctor has told me specifically for diet. I am not out of the recovery, but each step towards wellness requires the commitment to do what I know will make me feel better. It's not easy to do and some days my body just won't let me do what I want. Those are the days I cry or have little fits and feel like this is impossible. I get down and I have to get into scripture and into prayer and talk with others (especially my fibro friends online, my sister in-law, and my dear friend, Alex, who is enduring the same trial) so that I can see past the dragon of this disease. It's not an easy peasy cupcake walk. It is demanding and controlling and wicked, and on those truly bad days we honestly have nothing to give away. No energy, no spirit, no umph. There is no ability to jaunt around the block or go to the market or any of those things. There is just the waiting.
And in the waiting comes the gift of growth. The tears pour out so the grief can be addressed. The anger comes out so it can be purged off and a new lesson can be learned.
Illness is quite the teacher, and I both love and hate that.
So this is where I am at now...
I have started to go walking again. Yesterday I took a stroll around the block and after some bad dreams (again) I woke up with one of those god awful charley horses. I used to get them real bad growing up and lately they have come back. So today I did the stretches like I used to before the walk and so far I feel okay.
The thing about fibromyalgia is that to say "I feel okay" is not the same as a normal "I feel okay." Okay to me means that I have 3% of energy instead of none, or it means I feel able to carry on a conversation or get up to use the bathroom. Some days are certainly better then others, and on those days I have to remember to not push too hard or I will fall quickly back into the flare. It's not easy to NOT push when feeling like it's possible to endure more. I'm learning so much about finding happiness in the small packages of each day. It's a true joy to be able to go on a walk or to carry my own plate or cup to the living room. It's a treat to go to the DMV and take a written test and pass. It makes me feel like living is really possible with this disease. Everything affects the mind and the body for those of us with fibromyalgia. So, even sitting in a room with other people robs our bodies of the energy and focus it needs to keep functioning.
I can tell I have another UTI. It has been awhile since the last one, so I am taking some antibiotics left over from when a doctor had told me not to take them and prescribed another kind instead. There is enough for 3 days so I pray it will kick this UTI and the persistent earache away.
I've made an appointment with the fibromyalgia clinic here in NC and I'm hoping for a good connection with the new doctor.
I'm starting to feel like where I was before the big move. After 5 months of treatment and being on medications I was feeling the DRASTIC difference between before I started seeing a specialist and after. When I got here it felt like none of the recovery had EVER happened. In my mind and body it felt like I had never gotten any treatment at all. Now I can see a little more clearly and I know that it's that whole system of balances.
I am back on track and eating healthier then I was, sleeping a bit better, and exercising again. It feels good. With that said, I also understand now that it's okay to not be able to do it all. That I don't need to feel guilty or bad for not being "up to par" these last weeks. I DO feel guilty in the moment.... relying on others to do things for me is always a challenge, but I see afterward that it is for the best.
The reality is that I am sick. This is something I chose to override in California because it did not fit into my lifestyle. Now I have the opportunity to mold my life around my health needs versus trying to fit my health needs around my life.
That's a HUGE deal.
Tonight I am clear-headed and happy and feeling on the road to wellness again. I know I've got quite a walk ahead, but I am willing. I am people-sick for Mylie, for Simonne, Maddison, April, Antonia, and everyone else that means so much to me. I think of long ago days that feel like yesterday and I smile because that time was golden and it serves only to remind me of the goodness of God.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wow, this truly challenges me!
"One of the first things that a hurting person needs to do is break the habit of using other people as a narcotic to numb the aching of an inner void. The more you medicate the symptoms, the less chance you have of allowing God to heal you. Avoid addictive, obsessive relationships.
If you are becoming increasingly dependent upon anything other than God to create a sense of wholeness in your life, then you are abusing your relationships. Clinging to people is far different from loving them. It is not so much a statement of your love for them as it is a crying out of your need for them. Like lust, it is intensely selfish. It is taking and not giving. Love is giving. God is love. God proved His love not by His need of us, but by His giving to us.
Sometimes we esteem others more important than ourselves. Watch out for self-disdain! If we don't apply some of the medicine that we use on others to strengthen ourselves, our patients will be healed and we will be dying."
T.D. Jakes
"One of the first things that a hurting person needs to do is break the habit of using other people as a narcotic to numb the aching of an inner void. The more you medicate the symptoms, the less chance you have of allowing God to heal you. Avoid addictive, obsessive relationships.
If you are becoming increasingly dependent upon anything other than God to create a sense of wholeness in your life, then you are abusing your relationships. Clinging to people is far different from loving them. It is not so much a statement of your love for them as it is a crying out of your need for them. Like lust, it is intensely selfish. It is taking and not giving. Love is giving. God is love. God proved His love not by His need of us, but by His giving to us.
Sometimes we esteem others more important than ourselves. Watch out for self-disdain! If we don't apply some of the medicine that we use on others to strengthen ourselves, our patients will be healed and we will be dying."
T.D. Jakes
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