Aaron

Our caregivers should get rewards.

I thank most of all my best friend, Aaron. He is here everyday. EVERY single day. He helps me with Mylie, he listens to me talk FOREVER and 8 minutes about Fibromyalgia, he drives me to and fro, he prepares my medication. He is an awesome example of a man living with a servant's heart. He takes it all in stride and never judges me for flipping out.

Thank you.

“Your life is for displaying the superiority of a life lived in God. That’s why Christians get cancer. That’s why Christians have a prodigal. Eternity is racing upon us. I want to be the guy who displayed the superiority of God through a lot of trials. If He’s given you a lot, He loves you and trusts you a lot. When something hard comes into your life, you should be like ‘woo hoo’ because this is your chance to show the world who He is.”
~James MacDonald

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2 Cor. 12:7-10

Rant

Don't read this if you are going to give me some crappy advice I don't want or if you aim to judge me. Stuff it. You aren't me and you aren't living with Fibromyalgia (and if you are then you will know EXACTLY what I am talking about)so your opinion doesn't mean anything to me regarding my health. Most people (not all since there are a few of you lovelies that actually try to fight this battle with us)don't get the whole fibro deal, nor do they extend grace to those suffering from it.

I woke up exhausted. Nothing new at all. Spoke to my parents which turned into the commitment to shop for Mylie's Christmas presents. I abhor shopping absolutely. Unless it's a bookstore (especially a used one!). I am not even going to pretend I enjoy it. I loathe it actually. So for me to shop the day before Christmas Eve with Fibromyalgia to boot is a testament to how much I love Mylie. For real.

So I was fine. For once the lights and sounds weren't driving me bananas. I was in the motorized cart @ Target (favorite) and all was dandy until... the cart stopped. It just flat out died on us. So my Auntie grabbed a regular cart and I proceeded to shop that way. My body was not having it. Having another staph infection PLUS the kidney infection on top of the daily fibro whirl was too much. I braved it though. I walked, got the baby powder (two since Mylie had to have one too. LOL.) and cut the trip short. As I put the stuff on the conveyor I almost blacked out. I had to blink slowly a few times and sort of "regroup (I don't know how to adequately convey what it is like). I told my Auntie I was tired (major understatement) and it looked as though she might have rolled her eyes. Most people think it's something we can shake off.

It's not.

I'm so over being told "it's fine" or that I can do this or that. I am over being treated like I am crazy. People complain after A DAY (as in 1!) of being sick. Feeling like they have the flu, even simple colds... so I say to those who sniffle and whine and moan over 1 freaking day... try 365+ days and then tell me I am "fine."

This new staph boil hurts like crazy and it itches. It did not do this the first time and I had about 4 going on at that time. Oh bother. I started taking the doxy today and putting the cream on it again. I am so frazzled over every bump or bite I find on me or Mylie. She still has a random cough and her nose is filled with boogers that harden and dry everyday. I moisten the boogers everyday with a q-tip and then later have her blow her nose out. If I don't moisten she won't let me pick them out anymore. She's been to the doctor quite a few times recently. I'm not sure if the stress of everything is getting to her- shuttling back and forth, etc. Last week she vomited after coughing, and now it looks like she has little spots on her butt. I put the cream on it just in case but I'm not sure...

My nose is also insanely itchy. I don't know if it is allergies or what. I never had allergies until 2005 when they swept fierce. I was working at the time, had never had Benadryl and did not know at all how strong they are! Man, I kept falling asleep and the kids would shake me awake. It's such a strong over the counter medicine. Since fibro makes the body sensitive to everything (really really) I cannot take over the counter stuff at all anymore... except for Tylenol... so maybe "bennie" is okay...

So on the way home today the IBS cramps hit again (I don't recall if I wrote that I had to GO bad at the drive thru the other night. Haven't had it that bad in awhile). I went into the Starbucks and passed the crowd. I always feel so guilty using a one person restroom and taking a long time. I mean, what can ya do? I flushed about 5 times (seriously) and walked out a little embarrassed. I'm sure they heard every flush... lol.

Worrying about every single health thing is stressing me out! There are so many things online and Fibro symptoms intermingle with everything it seems! :( I've got kidney issues, dermatology issues, inflammation, IBS, and the list goes on and on...

When we got home earlier my roommate was still feeling ill from this morning. That makes 3 of us under this roof sick. He is now at the ER. A month ago he had his gallbladder out. Wow. What is going on? Are we all on this planet just going to get progressively worse until Jesus comes back?

Speaking of Jesus I explained Christmas to Mylie. It was nice. I'm not sure if she grasped it all but since she loves the Lord already I am not so worried. We planned to make a birthday cake for Jesus but I forgot to buy cake mix.

Fail.

Oh! Back to my roommate. So he's at the ER and his car also got stolen. Yup. I know.
Luckily he and A found it and the people who stole it took sunglasses and change and that's it. Weird but also rad they at least left the car.

I was scratching like mad around the boil thing and saying to A that I wish it would go away. Mylie looked at me with those sweet brown eyes and said, "I will scratch it for you Auntie Janet." I swear that she is the most loving child I know. She says all of these completely compassionate things that stir up such immense feelings of joy. <3

I am bloated more than ever.

I can make all the grand plans I want but I cannot determine my health. I feel resentful that this is what I am now. Weak. Frail. Constantly needing aid. Having a new staph blister reminds me that I am limited. It reminds me not to trick myself into a sense of normalcy. I AM SICK. Does this mean that out theory is correct? Do I have some kind of bacteria (or it this MRSA) inside causing me to feel so sick? Staph causes chest pains which I've been having again lately (though fibro does too). Obviously the doxy made the staph infection go away and I felt a smidge better fibrowise too. Now I feel horrendous and I have another boil after a week and 3 days off of the doxy. I really don't want to get another yeast infection from antibiotics but what else can I do? Is this going to be the cycle from now on?

Bonus: I made it through today and I am okay. Worse for the wear but functioning. ;) Barely.

I have a new staph blister.

Yeah.

It was gone but since I had to stop taking the doxycycline to pay heed to the kidney/yeast problem, I guess the staph got giddy and came out to play again.

Just in time for Christmas.

I also still feel kidney infection symptoms and will return to PP on Monday to check that out.

AND... worst of all I have to go shopping today. Unless it's a bookstore I abhor shopping... with a passion.

BUT my dad wants me to get gifts for Mylie and since they are in NC that falls on me.

Grr.

This means a rushed shower and a stressful day. I guess this means I will be laid out all of tomorrow to prepare for Saturday and going to the family dinner @ A's.

My dear friend got me awesome Christmas loot, including a delicious brush. It feels so good on my scalp and that sensation alone caused me to cry last night. So few things feel good anymore. This comb actually feels like a light massage on my head.

More later.

I wish there was a magic button that enabled me to have freshly showered skin and be dressed in a few seconds. No muss, no fuss. It takes so much energy to endure a shower. Bonus? The hot water feels delicious and soothes sore muscles and weary limbs. The hard part is doing what I need to do and getting out. Today I started to get a Charley Horse. I used to get those so bad at night and every time (even in my twenties living at home) I would scream for my mommy. Not even kidding. The last time I got one so bad was the night of my going away party (though I still haven't gone anywhere so does it count? Ooh! Maybe it was the "going away" of the old me and the ushering in of the new? Pondering.). I was living at Simonne's at this time. She'd already moved in with her sister. So, I wake up screaming. And who is there besides me? Mylie. At the time she was still three. A sleeping, peaceful three year old and the crazy lady hollering at 2 in the morning. In the shower today I merely turned and it started to pull. Luckily I caught that sucker before it eclipsed into full on Charley Horse mode.
Whew. Close call there. It's really that serious.
I feel like my chest cavity is so fragile. It makes me laugh because how could it possibly hurt like this? It seems absurd. I had quite the frantic moment as I realized in horror that I don't remember the last time I felt normal. I wish I'd have known that was going to be the last day I would ever feel like my muscles weren't blazing, my insides individually screaming for attention, and like sleeping forever. I would have gorged out on all the foods that make me sick now. I would have walked miles for one last time. I would have went skydiving before I found out I never could again. I would have rode one last roller coaster.
I miss working. I still raise Mylie and that's a huge job, but I miss getting out there. I miss driving (this has been the biggest restriction on freedom! I don't have a car anymore and even if I did I would only drive every so often. I am much too jumpy nowadays and too overwhelmed by all the external stimuli.). I miss seeing the girls all throughout the week. I miss corporate prayer. I miss taking care of the parade of kids and being involved in their lives.
Staying in and living with fibromyalgia demands almost everything I have to give in a day. It's become my work. My task is to study it, learn it, figure out how MY body can be livable now, and set out to conquer this debilitating portion.
I cannot function at a "regular" job, but I was never really into that anyway. I spent the years 16-22 working feverishly. Two jobs at a time, management, etc. Climbing the corporate ladder and not slowing down at all.
Thankfully I started hanging out with Jesus and He showed me the joy of working for Him. :)
I was given a lot of slack about my choice to take care of kids rather than have an office job. I'm not sure if I chose it or if it chose me. I know that my passion and purpose is to love on kids/teens and see them get free from lives of abuse or hurt. God entrusted those precious lives to me. It was hard and yet I loved it!. It was much harder than any job I ever had, but it was easy too. Flawless. The kids and I fit together. It was awesome.
So now I am working on this blog for the 5 people (if that) that read it and support me. I am working on writing the book I've always wanted to write. Sentence by sentence. Slowly. I am typing even though my fingers ache and I feel like laying down.
The pain radiates all down my back. I feel everything. My legs ache beneath me, my neck pinched from holding up my head, and my shoulders and chest braving the perilous task of simply existing on my body.
I'm hungry but the idea of food is so not appealing.

Martha vs. Mary

I hate fibromyalgia. I hate the name. I hate that it exists. What is it?! What is actually happening to my body? No one knows. No one. There are so many holes. They haven't figured out the cause, though it has a lot to do with the central nervous system. What are the statistics for women having children AFTER fibro kicks in? What about the average life span of someone with this condition? I have no clue what is going on! It's all a gamble. And I just have to accept it all! I just sit here and feel miserable and try to work my life (haha funny since "life" now means being a hermit) around this monster that has stolen so much.

Fibromyalgia.

I feel like a failure as a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, girlfriend, cousin, friend, nanny, mentor/spiritual mom, and lover of Jesus. I am never going to be strong like I was. I will probably always have to pace myself. I still love working with kids, yet I know I could not do it everyday again. The noise alone would slay me, although the constant energy required would be a close second.

I miss being able to connect. I miss being able to hold things without my hands aching. I miss being someone my brother could look up to. That the girls DID look up to. I miss having energy. I forgot what that feels like. To be replenished by sleep. How long has it been since I had energy? I miss being strong, being strong, being strong. Moving my own furniture, lifting things, moving fast all of the time. Efficient. That's why I get so agitated when people move slow. Because I lack speed! I envy them.

I want to relax. I want to pause. I want to spare the people in my life from hearing about my ailments. How not to speak of it when it's all I see, feel, taste, and touch?

My prayer for a long time was for God to strip me of my "go go go" attitude. I was the planner, the coordinator for hanging out, events, whatever. I was "the" friend to talk to. I'm not boasting, but I enjoyed being plugged into so many people.

Now there is immense pressure to be the old me. People have flat out ignored that I have a serious medical condition, or else have gossiped about me behind my back wondering if it is real. It's getting increasingly difficult to be out. It causes anxiety galore and I cannot tolerate sounds at all. I am so easily overwhelmed.

I had an adventurous spirit. I had energy. I loved to laugh and have conversations. Where did I go? I am frozen behind this failing body and this mind that is slowing down and forgetting on me. I am 30 years old, but I feel 75 inside. My memory has gotten so fuzzy. I hide it and I don't pay attention to the fact that information is missing or messed up. If I think about it I might freak out. Sometimes I almost convince myself I don't have fibromyalgia. Like it was a wrong diagnosis and it was really something curable, and I'll be healthy again! I am confused about being sick. On one hand I am at peace with it and I am trying to find a more fulfilling lifestyle with the condition. On the other hand I am so full of grief over the health I thought I had. No matter what- good or bad- I had my health. Now I feel off kilter. No health is a big thing.

I see this barren, dry, brittle season of my life making way to something colorful and teeming with life. Right now, however, I am so full of anger and sadness. Is fibromyalgia real? How long did it lurk in my body waiting to manifest itself? Was it there when I was a little girl reading scary stories books or playing Barbie's? How about when I got my first job or moved to Georgia?
It seems as though my life before all of this was merely a trial run. I moved fast and did a lot. I know my past has prepared me for this. Today I stared at my reflection for a long time. Who am I really? Past the external- who am I?

"I defend you. I protect you." The familiar love of my God washed over me. I am in a hard place. There is no magic pill that will make this go away. Until the day Jesus heals me or I die, I have fibromyalgia. BUT I am not as alone as I feel. My Jesus is with me. He loves me. He has a plan that is in effect even today as I feel angry and sad and like I will never be okay again. Being in this state of constant pain and fatigue stirs in me fierce prayers for people who are in pain. It increases my compassion and unfurls prayers of desperation over those in my sphere of influence that so need healing or the glory of knowing their Savior. That I can still be used by God despite my condition is humbling. An ache fills my chest to the brim as I realize that only here in pain and confusion and heartbreak can I truly know what it feels like to be broken by illness. The burden on my heart is to see people set free from Cancer and chronic illnesses and pain that modern medicine cannot fix. Even if I am sick until my last day I pray that I will give myself continually to Jesus so that others may be set free from their physical and mental captivities. Lord, please continue to strip me of my own flesh. Use me for your purposes alone. Take my fear and pain and use it to reach others. Here I am learning to not only sit but marinate and REST at your feet, Abba, and to let the frantic pace of the world around me become white noise. I look to my past, to all of my glory moments and I grieve that loss. That person I used to be, but I welcome who you are making me out to be. I am scared but you love me God. You have blessed me to have a fighting spirit. I won't back down. The nightmares I've been having, the enemy trying to take me out... I say no to all of that. You can handle my grief. You can take my confusion. Everyday I want to stay in bed. I'm so tired, I'm so in pain... blah blah, but I make myself get up and I live.

I LIVE.

You did not die for me so I could sit here defeated. You died for me so that I might live. I look forward to the day that knowledge meets action and I will know exactly how and when to pace myself. I will find my now again. Fibro has misplaced me, but I'm still here. I must adhere to my limitations and not get caught up in the rat race again, but I am alive. I would not wish this condition on anyone. Cancer patients have said themselves that fibromyalgia is worse. Wow! Can you believe that? Cancer patients!

Recent happenings:
-Last week I started getting bad leg cramps again. One night Mylie was staring at me. "Aw poor Auntie Janet. I wish I could do something to make you feel better." The little love proceeded to wet 2 paper towels and put them on my leg that was cramping really bad. I swear that child is full of the Holy Spirit already. She loves people and she is so compassionate. I love teaching her and watching her become a delightful person.
-Chest pains.
-EVERYWHERE hurts again.
-My skin hurts worse than ever. I can no longer wear shirts that cuff on the sleeves. It feels like a mild sunburn. When touched on my back or arm it hurts for at least 10 minutes afterward. :(
-Incredibly bloated. IBS has been insane.
-On the 17th I woke up and knew the nausea was going to give way to vomit. Finally. It's such a teaser! Everyday with the nausea (especially with the recent kidney infection). I threw up about 4 or 5 times. It wasn't violent like before, it was actually slow and the texture was creamy. Gross.
-My left hip is going ballistic (that's the side with hip bursitis).
-Sleep has been very interrupted and uncomfortable.
-My body is super stiff again when I first wake up.
-My mood has been quite unpleasant. The lack of sleep, pushing myself to be out over the weekend, and the recent cold have lent themselves to a very exhausted and overwhelmed me.
-Chocolate and soda are my enemies.
-I LOVE reading blogs where people share about fibro. I feel less alone.
-I am so thankful for the family and friends that have stayed despite my condition. Counterfeit relationships make themselves known real quick when one is unable to perform as they used to.
-Having people come and visit me is one of the greatest gifts. :) I'm done for a few days afterwards but it's precious to have a few hours to laugh and have fun without going out into the overwhelming bustle.

Seriously all I yearn to do is lay down in bed all day and not move ever again. I would be happy to simply sleep for 8 days straight. That's not going to happen. I WILL get up. I will shower.

That's the most laborious task. To get undressed, shampoo, condition, shave, and soap up and off. Rinse. Wrap hair up in towel. Dry off. Blah blah.

I must move slow. No more quick in and out. I used to call my morning showers "business." Meaning the morning shower was a to-do and if after working out or whatever I took a second shower that was for leisure.

Yes, I said business. Like I said I've always been efficient.
Now it's a HUGE source of energy to complete what was once a simple shower.

Make-up and blow drying/curling/flat ironing my hair seems like such a chore. I make myself do it (If I feel so crappy I at least have to look "normal" on the outside), but now that my hands seem to ache constantly I'm not sure how much longer that will occur.

Sometimes I feel like "own it girl." I see I still look like me even though I am a stranger to myself these days. Most times I feel like I must be deteriorating on the outside too. I am glad for the days I still desire to "sizzle."

I wonder: How do others see me? As a sick person? Am I disgusting?

My body is so bloated. My face too. I shrink back. How do I explain it's the fibromyalgia? That I can lose and gain up to 10lbs. in a single day. It's hard, especially since I can't work out. Everyone says to work out and that it'll hurt at first but to push through. Pilates is out. So is walking for a lengthy time. I am looking into yoga and once it gets warm I will utilize the pool again.

I miss working out.

A LOT.

I fumble around so much now. I have decided I cannot handle using a purse anymore. it's too hard to hold one, and my hands seem to fail me repeatedly. I'm not sure what I will carry. My mega comb has to come everywhere with me so... ;)

Mylie has taken to bringing her purse and little backpack too, so that's a lot to keep track of. Easier to eliminate my purse.

I'm just rambling now. Until next time.

My own shadow makes me jump in complete fear.

The last few days have been hellish.

It's a blur right now...

I remember going to bed Thursday and waking up every few hours...

same thing on Friday, except it was a few times every hour... and I had bad dreams...

So by Saturday I was wrecked absolutely.

I made the mistake of thinking I could handle being out.

I went to church and was "fine" until midway. Then my steam ran out and I dragged through the chaos of In and Out Burger and a movie.

By the time I got home I was drained of everything. EVERYTHING. I was in a bad way mentally and also physically.

I had bad dreams that night.

Last night I continued to have bad dreams. It was the third night in a row.

I've been feeling so depleted. Wow. I feel a new level of fatigue (who knew there was another one?!) and the fuzzy haze clouds my eyes again.

My mind is everywhere.

My primary nurse called and FINALLY gave me the results for the blood work done over a month ago. She told me that I am on my way to diabetes and that it's "not a big deal (sure lady cause it's not your body!) because diabetes is a road to New York and I am in Sacramento." Obviously she didn't mean literally, but come on. She will refer me to a nutritionist. I told her about the elevated blood pressure levels and she told me to keep a diary of them for a few weeks. Once CMSP kicks in again I will go see her (appointment in January) and we will "deal with it than." What every patient wants to hear. This morning I was told my 28 year old brother now has high blood pressure. Super. We are following both of our parents and a long list of family members on both sides. Groan.

The kidney infection is still present, but there is some relief. Honestly, a kidney infection is loads of pain, but this time it is small beans compared to fibro. It's almost like a vacation. SERIOUSLY. I can focus on this pain and not on the all consuming one. The trouble with this is that I am acting like my only setback is the kidney infection and that I will resume to normalcy after it is gone.

FAIL.

Current pain:
-Under right arm (hurts to raise up, etc.)
-IBS is intense today with mucous
-Recurrent hair irritation growth that produces a bump sometimes on my lower region filled with blood.
-Continued nausea
-Chest pains
-Last night beneath my right ankle it started to really hurt. REALLY. The floating bone and bad ankle is on my left, so this is new. It was fine this morning but after the movie it hurt worse then last night. Any pressure is unbearable.
-The rash on my chin is still there. Not bad at all, but there.
-Cramped legs (especially the right side).
-Cold hands, feet, and nose.

I also forgot to mention that it has started to HURT when my blood pressure is taken. The cuff is too tight for the fibro's liking. Also when they drew blood the tape around my arm left a bruise. It just gets better and better. ;)

I am finding a lot of blogs that make me feel less alone. I've been dealing a lot with anger. I can be fine and suddenly I erupt in a rage. It can be sounds, the way the jacket won't come off of the hanger. Yesterday I was fumbling around for my keys and could not find them in the black abyss that is a woman's purse. I started screaming and crying "why is everything so hard?"

I meant it.

I was feeling optimistic (still do) and to have the setbacks this week have definitely impacted my emotions. I am learning to stop feeling guilty for that. It is what it is. I have to go through this. A LOT of people are "stuffers." They pretend everything is always "fine" even if they feel horrendous inside. After years of living that way (until around 2005) I don't believe in that mess. BE HONEST.

I was watching the new flick "Tangled" today and there was a scene where Rapunzel finds a crown and as she holds it she feels like it belongs to her. I started to tear up. It made me think about how fibro has taken a lot from me (physically and mentally) and I have uttered the words "I feel like a prisoner!" on numerous occasions. As I thought of Rapunzel locked away in that place, yearning for life outside, I could commiserate with her plight. As she held up that crown I thought of my God who has a crown just for me. It is my place as a royal daughter of the King of Kings to live, to dance, to love. I don't have to be locked away. I can be free again and I can wear my crown. It's deep stuff.

Some cool things happened this week:
-I got the unexpected blessing of $50 for my prescriptions (since I have no coverage right now it"s out of pocket).
-Two of my dear friends surprised me with a check in the mail. It was much needed and such a lovely gift.

So much to say...

I was feeling slightly better with the doxycycline.

Then Wednesday came and I knew something was going on again.

I could tell the nausea was intense, but I attributed that to the antibiotics and to the fibro. I usually have nausea but this is a different kind. It holds fast throughout the entire body and lingers around the throat. I feel like vomiting all of the time. Intensely.

I don't vomit though.

It's a teaser.

So I also mentioned in a prior blog that I also got a yeast infection. I could not go in to get an exam due to the menses. We looked up home remedies for a yeast infection and I actually tried apple cider vinegar. It burned and all, but it helped at first. By Saturday the pain was severe, and I was also itching like mad CRAZY. It was swollen and red and just a miserable evening.

I know my body so well. I told someone that I knew i had a yeast infection but I was almost positive I had a UTI.

I went in today and I do have BOTH. In fact, I have the pleasure (insert sarcasm) of having a kidney infection again. Super.

So I was put on MORE antibiotics to fight the kidney infection and Fluconazole for the yeast infection.

The kidney infection antibiotics WILL cause another yeast infection and so she also gave me another Fluconazole to combat the yeast to come.

Is this truly my life now?

My blood pressure is still slightly elevated. That makes about 7 or 8 visits to various doctors where my blood pressure has been high.

I also went to the clinic and requested copies of the labs I had done in November. I am out of range for Hemoglobin A1C- which has something to so with diabetes. Since diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family it has me concerned.

I am so... drained.

Today was long, but yesterday was worse. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was crying, screaming, and not being rational at all. Not all day obviously, but during a discussion with someone about all of this. I'm freaking overwhelmed and I need to say so. I have moments every now and again like yesterday. Where the complete physical and mental breakdown of this vessel I inhabit comes out. I feel embarrassed to say so, but it's totally difficult. It seems every week I have a new part of me that falls apart. I was so in a rage that I tore up and threw out my bucket list, pictures that I had to motivate me towards my dreams, and special things I had written down pertaining to my life's goals and desires.

It's all up in the air.

I miss the Philippines, but will I have energy and health to ever go back?

I dream of living in Paris but will I be able to handle it?

And the list goes on and on...

I have a new life now. Learning how to live like this is a job. It's MY Job. I am discovering a new path.

The recent optimism, my desire to "come out of hiding" and be around people in a safe environment (not loud, not a party, not on someone else's turf but on mine where I can handle the lights, sounds, and area) is still alive. I have a fighter's spirit, but crying and processing is a huge part of emotional healing.

Meanwhile Mylie has been going through her own medical issues. A sinus infection, a yeast infection, strep throat, and now needs an inhaler for possible asthma. My poor precious.

I've been forgetting more frequently. I forget times, birthdays (unlike me), why I walked to the kitchen. I mess up when I spell and read out loud (for a writer and a book buff this is devastating).

BUT...

I am still alive.

I am living.

One day at a time. The process is absolutely grueling but I can do this. God is faithful. ALL the time He is good to me.

Things I am musing about:
-the antibiotics DID seem to aid in feeling better until the nausea blew into town.
-what's up with the continuous elevated blood pressure?
-what do the high glucose blood test results from may indicate? What about the current out of range Hemoglobin lab? Do I have diabetes or high blood pressure or both but the clinic is so janky that they don't pay attention (I think this is about 85% likely). I haven't even spoken with anyone regarding these labs FROM OVER A MONTH AGO!
-I tested positive then negative in the same week for an autoimmune disease back in May. I have been assuming it is due to fibro but fibro does not register in a blood test!
Also my inflammation rate has consistently rated high in labs and fibro would not affect that either.

I do not remember if I posted anything about a tiny, tiny mole I found behind my knee last week. It smeared blood and then got smaller. What is that about?

*Just got a phone call. The prescriptions I need are NOT covered by the establishment
I went to today so I have to pay $49 out of pocket.

I have no source of income. NONE.

It's my own fault for not remembering to reapply for CMSP.

FIBRO!


Also just noted that a new mole and a rash have appeared on my face.

What is happening????????????????????????