Lessons

I've been orbiting a flare ever since November. It was so very busy and so many people were around between then and January, and I did a lot of things in an effort to "make the best of it." 

And it worked for a short while, until my body crashed, and it is still working so hard to "recover" and balance itself again in the quietness of the new year. 

Except it hasn't really been "quiet." Quieter, yes... Quiet, not so much. John passed away, others have received diagnoses of their own, people I love fiercely are battling their own trials. It's been a time of emotional pressing, and what leaks out is not always edifying. I tend to be angrier and more weepy when the exhaustion and pain levels are through the roof. 

I have felt more like the frustrated, trying to keep it together version of myself again lately. I have to ask myself tough questions: what am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? 

 Maybe a lesson in all of my pushing through the holidays is the realization that I shouldn't be pushing through anything, unless I HAVE to. For instance, when Aaron had surgery or if someone is in the hospital or something dire like that... Times when people need prayer or there is an emergency. 

Maybe that pressure I've imposed on myself for the holidays and birthdays and anniversaries, is what needs to change next. Because I really forced myself beyond my set limits by going bowling, and various shopping expeditions, and washing ALL the dishes, and trying to keep my daily balance of chores and spiritual disciplines. I started to overcompensate for the years I haven't been able to contribute. And that was intoxicating to a recovering type A, who lived to people please and always signed on to do more. That is such a vicious and ugly mindset. It started off so innocently... This desire to help out a bit more, testing the waters to see how much more I could  handle... Which was fine & dandy, until it wasn't anymore. When my body decided it had had enough of my forcing, and closed itself down in an effort to recoup and rebalance. I don't regret pushing myself. I have to sometimes in order to know what I am able to handle and what needs to stay shelved awhile. I have to remember that it took a lot of time and effort to get to where I was at last year, and I also have to be mindful to carry on in the habits that DO allow for a more functional lifestyle. One where I don't always have to say no, and where some of my heart cries are lived out. And I NEED to hold my perspective, especially on days like today where fatigue is a vacuum and pain thrums everywhere (everywhere!)-the perspective that I DO do more (current flare not withstanding), and I am able to do a lot more than I used to even a year ago. It's vital to chart the progress, or else the whole vision gets obstructed with the harsh reality of daily living with illness. 

All of the carefully constructed rhythms I've mapped out the last few years is still standing, but it is beginning to sink with the weight of ALL the things I am putting on my invisible plate. 

And it has been my choices, my desire to be more like the healthy version of me, that has led me to this hibernation place again. Praise God it is nowhere near how it used to be, however, it can still be very brutal. On exhaustion days (most of them) I can still juice or do basic chores, and I never ever miss a shower (no way. I couldn't handle it. This is my ONE physical activity that doesn't get bumped off the list. The day I stop cleansing daily is the day to really worry!), and that is a vast difference to when I was barely functional on a so-called "good" day. 

More than ever, I have sensed God inviting me into new levels in all areas of my life. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I am in the Word, the more I choose to replace television with sermons online, the more I choose healthier food options... The more I yearn for them. The more I yearn for more of God. I yearn for His plans and purposes. I yearn for the truest life, bleeding and leaking richly of the extravagant life of Jesus within. 

The choice to DECIDE not to force myself, for any reason, for any purpose, at any time.... Is NOW.  I've certainly come a long, long way but I also still felt like holidays and birthdays demanded I be "well enough" to participate, regardless of what level of pain & fatigue I am in that day. But that's not true at all... 

Example: on Christmas my mom was sick so she stayed in bed. 

Well, I am sick 365 days a year and so maybe this next step also includes me accepting that part of the illness and not forcing myself into a place of stress every month when societal obligations press.

Maybe the attitude I have about the worship night has to evolve and include every night...

If I feel able, I will. 

If I don't feel able, I won't. 

That's a very simple, oft repeated thought, but also one I never meditated on so powerfully as I am today. 

All of this progress, these slow boundaries erected over years and years of uphill struggle, and this is the next invitation for even more progress! How exciting! And it's so cool to watch how Abba interlaces all of the areas... People pleasing and boundaries and illness and being made more available spiritually and emotionally, but less available physically...

I was pushing for me, but mostly I was pushing so I could be "normal" again. One never stops aching for that, even with delicate balances and more good days than bad. To have one's health is the greatest, most precious, and often undervalued gift, and without it, life is hard. There's no sugar coating it. When I let it get in my head, when I compare my accomplishments to healthy people. When I put my life up against the lives of the people around me, I always come up short. My desires to travel and do more missionary work, to be at church every week (Hallelujah for online sermons from my home church in California, as well as a few other churches in other states! I don't always enjoy all aspects of technology, but for this gift- to hear God's word- ANY time I want to, I feel very blessed.), to be around children with such ease, to have a job,  to camp and hike and ride my bike, all of the things I wish for so much... It all feels pointless when I'm flaring so bad, and when I CHOOSE to focus on my can'ts instead of my cans. 

It's been great to CHOOSE to stay in my room if I need to the last month. I feel guilty about it and it is excruciatingly lonely most days, but it's for the best. If I'm around anyone, it's all about survival and my mood is crummy and it ruins things. The sickest version of me is also not very nice. At all. 

It might sound selfish... Or it might just be, that in order to be the best version of myself to others, I DO have to choose wellness and sometimes that means being isolated and excluded so that I can be more present later, and I have to become entirely okay with that. And with that, maybe it means that people are just going to have to deal. Whew. Relief floods just typing that out. I knew that, but I must have set that mind frame down awhile back and forgot to pick it back up. 

People will have to deal with me not being some amazing daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. People will have to deal with the fact that I will text but rarely ever talk on the phone. 

If I can't make a birthday cake or buy cards or do collages, that's just the way it is. 

I am sick. 

It's hard to be locked away when others are laughing in the living room, or when cabin fever gets so severe and I am so agitated with the need for the sense of normalcy, when I am face to face with limitations again and it makes me want to scream. But it could be worse. I have air in my lungs, food to eat, a heater, a bed to sleep in, clean water, books, the Word of God, a support system, and hope. And hope is invaluable. I learned that when I lost it for awhile. Without hope the souls sits empty and unsatisfied.  Fear finds a home in the emptiness of hope. 

So much is shifting and that is just a piece of it. God is amazing in His timing, and surely generous. He is kind and merciful and utterly forgiving. He is patient and affectionate, and the ways in which He will romance a heart is unmerited. 

I am thankful that all of life is a continual lesson in humility and gratitude. That through all of the fleshy feelings and battles, God still meets us where we are and gives us strength to press on to the next moment. 

Jesus, I wait in expectation. Thank you for all the miles you have brought me. I look forward to walking even more with you leading the way. 

I realize that even though it feels crappy, it's still a better version of crappy than it was before, so seeing fibro progress no matter how small, is very important and presses me forward.

It boils down to: is God my provider or not?

It's that simple. Whoa.

I mean, duh, but you know those moments when Jesus is illuminating that one specific thing?

Lightbulb.

So, if yes, He IS, then there really is never any reason to fear or get upset. Though obviously we still will. 

But to know, and to realize again- but so much better than before!- that He is THE provider means everything.

We can let go. 

2015, 

I welcome you. Jesus, I trust that you have already cleared the roads and lit the lamps for me to follow as this new calendar year approaches. I believe in You for ALL things, ALL situations. Whatever hardships or joys come my way this year, I will trust you for the outcome. My lot is secure in You. In You I will find my rest, and hope to sustain me. Thank you, Sweet Lord, for your mercies, new every morning. Thank you for joy unspeakable, and laughter. Thank you for every sunset, thank you for new discoveries and old friends and photographs and life itself. Life here and life eternal. 

Jesus, I love you. I repent of every yesterday and yield to you each future moment. I surrender. I believe. I trust. And when I stagger, when my cup is dry and believing is hard... help me, for You are my Helper.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Isaiah 43:19

The Message (MSG)

16-21 This is what God says,
    the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
    who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
    they lie down and then can’t get up;
    they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say ‘Thank you!’
    —the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
    rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
    the people I made especially for myself,
    a people custom-made to praise me.

Juicing

It's almost been a year of juicing once a day, and while it hasn't been a cure, it has been the number one "medication" that has helped me have a more managed life. 

Obviously I'm still sick. It's NOT a cure. There is no special pill or potion. Fibromyalgia IS real and it has a mind of its own. That said, juicing has aided in massive weight loss, killing off Candida, quicker recovery when in a flare, and it tastes great- which is just an added bonus. 

Seriously, seriously. Even though I still take supplements and the necessary prescriptions, even though I cannot exercise regularly, and even though I still have majorly bad days fatigue wise and pain wise- juicing gave me refreshed hope last December and it has helped my body in so many glorious ways. 

I used to crave sugar so bad (Candida and all) like a feen, and I never thought I would be able to let it go, but although I've had a couple of slips this past year, I've mainly stopped consuming any unhealthy sugars. It makes a world of difference! At the Fibro clinic back in 2011, the doctor told me I needed to get it in my head that sugar is THE enemy of Fibromyalgia. He was right.

I still have days where I can barely move, when I can't lift a carton of milk, when I'm so grumpy from exhaustion and pain unrelenting... But now I can also do things I never ever thought I would be able to do regularly again...

Most days (excluding high pressure flare days, depending on external factors: weather, stress, special events, etc.) I am able to juice, wash dishes, take a shower without too much trouble (except on really horrible fatigue days... Then it still is one of the hardest tasks ever.), take out the trash and do other things around the house. 

I can do laundry, vacuum, and go out more than once a month. I never thought that would happen! I look back and I can't believe there was once a time when I could only make it out once a month (if that!). 

I feel really grateful. 

5 years ago I was in a blind panic. Newly sick and feeling like I was slowly losing my mind, no idea of what to do, doctor after doctor dismissing me, other smaller diagnosis' popping up, but never THE diagnosis... 

My heart hurts for those just now discovering the Fibro beast in their lives. I wish I could hug you, tell you it will get better- not physically but emotionally. I wish I could tell you that you will find strength, but you may have to go through anger and depression first. You will feel guilty. You will have friends and family who criticize you and assume you aren't proactive about your own health. You will cry. You will maybe want to die sometimes. 

But here's the thing... Hold on, babe. Hold on. 

Dig on the Internet. Research our illness. You will come to be more educated about it then most doctors you will ever see.

Find an online support group. A small place where you can be real and be heard and be uplifted. 

Find the small beads of happiness in every day. They are there, my friend. 

You won't always feel like looking for them, but hey, hold on- see that small child at Kmart who smiles at you real big? See the sky beaming over you? Those are precious gifts in a dark world of sickness and isolation.

Learn to say no. I know, I know. That part is especially painful. I am a recovering type A, always say yes, people pleaser myself. But I promise: NO is a wonderful word and should be used fluently. 

Develop boundaries. Massive ones. Eliminate toxic people from your sphere of influence. 

When someone gives you a guilt trip because you can't make it to church every week, smile at them. They have no idea what they are talking about. They don't know how ignorant they sound and they don't know how much you miss your old life & how long it took you to accept yourself as you are now. They don't understand that in their judgment of you for not going to a building every week, they are showing you exactly who Jesus is not. Seek Him when you feel like hiding away. He is there. Always. Shout out your pain and plug into prayer, especially when you don't feel like it. Watch sermons online. Every day if you want to. It's a wonderful use of time and really promotes positivity and hope. Spend time in the presence of Jesus. He is the ultimate Comforter. You can vent to your friends, your spouse, your dog... But Jesus is the only one who can handle you at your very worst and He is the only one who can truly understand your pain. 

Take naps. Rest whenever you can. Utilize ear plugs. Make your heating pad your very best friend. Most of all, dear one, keep loving. Keep trying. Keep going. You are making strides even if no one else on earth sees it. 

It's going to hurt, lovely. When so-called friends stop talking to you, when they gossip behind your back, when you slowly drift away from the normal way of life... You will miss it, you will ache for it, you will feel like you live alone in a bubble of confusion and torment and sickness... You will greatly miss yourself. 

But you are not alone. Not ever. There are so many of us out here. We are sick, we are sad sometimes, we feel like we are going to break and sometimes we don't even care if we do because is so damn hard just trying to survive. 

Just try, try, try to remember that when it is as dark as it could possibly be, a little light will come in. 

Grab it! Grab it!

It will bring you to the next moment, and suddenly it'll be 5 years later and you'll look back and wonder how you ever made it through. 

And you'll be full of gratitude and amazement. 

You will have learned (for the most part) to accept yourself with limitations. You will still grieve sometimes, but a little less. You will figure out that in some way, sickness has made you a better version of yourself. Once we strip off our titles and our accomplishments, once we are left to the bare bones of ourselves- we find out just how beautiful a soul can really be. 

You can do it. 

I know you can. 

Purge

purge

pərj/

verb

1. 1.

   rid (someone) of an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition, typically giving a sense of cathartic release.

   "Bob had helped purge Martha of the terrible guilt that had haunted her"

   synonyms:

   cleanse, clear, purify, wash, shrive, absolve I'm in this season where God is having me pay super attention to what I am intaking, whether it be emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. There are some long standing habits that need to be replaced, and I am excited to head into this new area that He is leading me onto. The last two days I have spent time going through my belongings and getting rid of things I haven't used in a long time, or things that I simply don't need. I remember a time when I had an entire storage filled with my Barbie and doll collection, as well as numerous other knick knacks. Eventually I downsized to a smaller storage space, then donated a bunch when I moved into a different place, and another big purge before the move cross country. And now, it feels amazing to fill up bag after bag. There is a juicy freedom in not being tied down to possessions. The thing is, it's not necessarily about the stuff. It's more about the heart response, the memory and refreshment in remembering who God has called me to be, and where He wants to bring me in the spirit. It's definitely not about a list of do's and don'ts, or an attempt to be super spiritual. ;) That's just not how Jesus operates. Grace is free, and nothing I do will ever make Him love me any more or any less. It's almost as if I took a detour on that path to simplicity God was calling me to in 2009. Fibromyalgia took up every bit of my time, and it was all I could think or talk about. Other goals and dreams were immediately put on hold, and that call to live a more minimalist lifestyle fell to the wayside. It wasn't until very recently, when I found myself falling into old habits of buying magazines (sidebar: God told me to give up reading my guilty pleasure rag mag every week... something I enjoy immensely, but felt the stir in my spirit... I wasn't convinced until I heard the still small voice: "it's none of your business." I stopped that very day. Again, not in some super religious display. This is about what God is asking ME to do. MY convictions, not anyone else's. This also goes for my social media diet as well. There are some areas where He is asking me to silence the static and spend more time cultivating the things of heaven rather than the things that entangle me here on earth.) and dvds and whatnot, that I realized that I was looking to be fulfilled with those distractions instead of with God. Binge eating had been conquered, but I was binging in other ways. The call He placed on my life all those years ago- to give up certain television shows, to live simply, to live for HIM, to ask for my spiritual eyes to be opened so wide, etc. all came rushing back, confirmed in daily devotionals, watching Everyday Living on the daily, scripture, and listening to sermons online. This is such a healing season in my soul. I am in no way cured. I am in no way better than anyone else who is struggling through Fibromyalgia. I do not have some miracle potion to make it all better. I very much still go through pain 24/7 and the fatigue is still very rude. But.... I think back to a time when I had to take anti-anxiety medication every single time I went anywhere, or if I interacted with people. When I kept my eyes down, and was afraid to drive anywhere alone. I remember when I could go out maybe once, and it would take me the rest of the month to recover. Those days of bottomless depression as I cycled through the grieving process over and over, when taking a shower was extremely exhausting and the biggest chore of the day. I used to cry every single day. I could barely function. Over time I have been able to eliminate certain medications and supplements, though I still take a lot throughout the day. I am no longer on pain medication and haven't been for the last 5 months. I juice every day and that has been extremely fundamental in the improvement of my symptoms. Many of the side conditions of Fibromyalgia seem to be in some kind of remission. Not the Fibro symptoms, which are just as intense as ever, but the other illnesses that plagued me all at once, in that intense physical assault between 2009-2013. The constant, back to back infections and new diagnosis'. Just the other day I went to a city an hour away- which is 2 one hour car rides, braved a big mall- walking from one end to the other, which is no easy feat! I most definitely had stabbing pain in my heels and legs, abdomen and back midway, but I did it! And emotionally I feel so centered and so... well, me. I still have moods, but like a normal person. The deep well of anger and resentment is gone, and I no longer feel like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I write all this knowing that at any moment I may have a bad mood, or a bad Fibro/fatigue day, but that it no longer dictates WHO I am. It does not consume me. I have begun to live again. Doing basic chores is a precious gift every day. I still ask for help when I need it, but my independence is coming back more and more as each day passes. My spirit of adventure, my ability to roll with the punches... all of it is being deposited back into my soul and I can't believe that I am the same woman who once felt so hopeless and could barely function. A huge thing is that I limit my time with other people. I rest a lot. I don't put myself in situations where I know I am going to be stressed, unless I absolutely have to. I don't let people guilt trip me into socializing anymore. I stopped forcing myself to be who everyone else wants me to be. I stopped worrying so much about pleasing other people, and focus more on what I need to do in order to get through life. It sounds so terribly trite, but I assure you, dear reader, it is a constant concentration on self-discipline and it took forever and 5 days to reach this stage! Yesterday in the purging/cleaning process I got out this small blue suitcase that held all of the medical paperwork from the last 5 years. I have one slim file folder with the most important papers, but this suitcase was stuffed full. Suddenly I started tearing those pages up! It felt GREAT! It was sticking my finger up at all the doctors who treated me like I was crazy, it was letting go of all the lies and bondage that people had spoken over me in my season of weakness, it was acknowledging that I am not bound to my illness, or to the darkness of the past 5 years. Every outpatient surgery, every procedure, physical therapy, psych evaluations, prescriptions, gads of appointments... all of it- I let it go. Because life is about right now. Today. Yes, those things happened to me. Yes, it broke me. Yes, I went through depression. Yes, I wanted to not exist. Yes, I am still sick. Yes, it's still hard to not be able to do certain things... but the difference is that I feel like I am heading towards a lifestyle where those things might be possible again! HOPE. That was missing those bleak years. Grief is necessary when illness comes. I had to lose myself in order to be loved back to emotional health by my Jesus. In that brokenness so much of my ugliness rose to the surface, and had to be dealt with. There is no easy process, no quick way to accept the chronically ill lifestyle. It takes time, and coming apart to be put back together. It is different for everyone, but the reality that being ill SUCKS is true all across the board. I don't feel like I have mastered Fibromyalgia. I have not. But I have come out on the other side, and it's pretty wonderful after the years of circling the same wilderness. Life is possible again after getting sick. It's a moderate, boundary filled life, but it is LIFE. For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 There is so much freedom in accepting my condition, and loving myself, and asking God to let me see myself the way He sees me, and immediately dismissing anyone who speaks death over me. This season is about ridding of toxins. The pollution in my thought life, emotional life, physical life and spiritual life. Purging has been cleansing and healing. I am so thankful for everything I have gone through. It has led me here, and as horrible as it all was, it taught me so much about what really matters in this life. Fibromyalgia has been a blessing... throughout the unbearable pain, and the relentless fatigue, I have been reborn and remade. I am a new creation! How fantastic is that? God is so good.

Goodbye Heavy Burden

I look at photos of myself and realize how very overweight I actually was. I didn't grasp just how much until I compared a photo from last August to now.

Nine months. 

35lbs. lighter and still working to get to my ultimate goal weight range. 

It's pretty incredulous. 

I think about my secret binge eating nights, the times I ate so much that I threw up (not on purpose), the depression that weighed on my soul, and pun intended- on my physical body. I did not like my reflection. I did not like myself. 

I blamed myself for being sick. I didn't care about most things. All I felt was misery and grief and the worry of carrying the burden of illness for the rest of my life. Joy was stifled, but would escape sometimes, small reminders of who I am in Christ and who I am meant to be. Definitely not the broken, sad, scared, angry girl I regressed to in my pain.

I could not conquer the sugar addiction. Everyday I told myself I would stop. That I would starve the candida and not give in. And everyday I failed. I could not do it alone. I cried out to the Lord who hears my every prayer- spoken or unspoken. I asked the Holy Spirit to take over. I invited Him into that misery, the addictions and the heartbreak. I released my control... Or lack thereof. 

And He has responded. Immediately, completely, lovingly. 

I no longer binge. I no longer hate myself. 

I walk in freedom, and somehow this freedom is even grander then the freedom I had when I first came to accept His grace years ago. 

It is MORE. 

His generosity, His mercy, His tenderness, His forgiveness... It has been so vast. The last 4-5 years were horrible, and while there were moments of gleaned hope and happiness, I truly did want to die. Not to kill myself, but just not exist. Not this way. Not sick, dependent on everyone, constantly miserable in body and in spirit.

And that is why the freedom is so sweet. 

When the spirit is clogged and polluted with negativity, self hate, judgment... There is no freedom. Everyday is comparison and feeling like a failure, and not wanting to even try to keep up. The spiritual toxins are real and very damaging. 

I lost myself more then I ever have in my life. 

I went through the motions and smiled sometimes, and desperately looked for ways to keep on going... But my oh my, I was so lost. 

And knowing Jesus, but feeling so lost is confusing. Because knowing Him usually means that I never feel lost, except I did. My center was gone. In it's place was anxiety and apathy and hatred. I felt like the joy I once walked in must have left forever, must have been a fluke. I had memories of being that girl, but I no longer felt like her. 

I compared myself to the celebrities on tv. I put down others because I felt so insecure in my skin. I was THE worst version of myself that I have ever been.

And I hated it so much. But now I am so grateful... Truly in my brokenness, truly in my weakness, in losing myself completely... I was once again found. 

Not only was everything physically stripped away, but emotionally too. Everything I believed about myself. Every achievement knocked away. Every good thing in my soul disappeared.

For 4 long years.

And it was so necessary. 

Because now I know how swiftly life can change. I know loss in a more profound, gritty way. I know that God IS and always will be a restorer of broken dreams, my healer, my friend, my everything. I know that depression is deep and black and very unkind. I know that shall the tides change again, He is truly my rock. 

All things I knew to some extent before. I wasn't without loss or hardship. I thought I had that lesson down on lock and would never have to learn it again. 

Wrong!

Jesus has healed my depression, my secret eating disorder, my weight problem, my anxiety. I no longer feel overwhelmed and dismayed making my monthly lists of meds and needs. I no longer feel obligated to people. He has restored my soul. He has given me yet another life. My joy is so much! My pleasure in life revitalized and natural and flowing. More than I ever dreamed! More than even before Fibro! He has revealed the depths of His love. It is limitless. In my anger I sure did sin. I was so mad at myself and at the world and sometimes even at God. No spiritual airs here and I hope to never have them again, because spiritual airs are ugly. They say to the world that we don't need grace because we have it all together. Lies. And the enemy gets in and sets up camp in that arrogance. 

It makes me shudder to think of how I used to bounce around in ministry and feel so pleased with MY church, and my accomplishments, all the while thinking I was humble. 

It all goes away. ALL of it. 

What matters is grace. Love. Mercy. Kindness. Forgiveness. Gentleness. Self-control. JESUS. 

It's all about Jesus. 

In the sweet, sweet times of life, but also in the ugly. When we want to rip out our hair, stomp our feet, beat our fists to the ground. In the pain and suffering, in our unholy moments... 

Jesus. 

Not our church attendance, our ministry, our missions trip, our good deeds, our daily time in scripture, our jobs and motherhood and relationships, not our cars or awards... All swell things, but all utterly temporary. 

It's got to get in bone deep, into the very secret place that only Abba can reach. 

The whispered roar of the Savior of the world. 

JESUS.

Sometimes healing is just a trickle at a time, until He bursts forth and pours like a flood: happy rain falls like unicorns and rainbows, from the forehead to the inside of every organ, and down to the toes! How marvelous is that?! 

This weight loss is a victory and it is so important to me. Physically, of course. It's nice to fit in clothes I haven't worn in years. I like being able to move easier and having my joints ache less. But mostly it is a victory because the shedding of pounds symbolizes the shedding of that heavy brokenness. A heavy body for a heavy heart. And when I look in the mirror now, I am reminded of how far God has brought me on this Fibro journey. I understand that the worst of it is over, and I can live now. Really live again! Live with Fibro even. I think about His love. I think about His sense of humor and the special ways He loves each of us. 

I haven't felt like me in so long and at first I was hesitant to trust it. I thought it was just a good emotional day, then two... 

But I have stopped being weary of it because I know that I am me again. 

A different version. An upgraded, Jesus 2014 version. And it feels amazing. So much so. 

I pray to always be upgraded. To stay stagnant is death. To not seek Him is death. To think I have it all figured out is death. 

I still have Fibro, but I now have my center. 

I am free. 

All praise to the One who made me. And all thanks to those who have loved me at my worst. You know who you are. I can never repay the grace you have each given me. No judgment as I walked in the darkness, just continued love and prayer and support. I just want to kiss every one of you! Thank you so much. 

I will always be so grateful for the mercies you have bestowed on me during the hardest trial of my life this far. 

Love,

Janet 💛

Happy Soul

O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

                                        Psalm 30:2

As I read these words today, a fresh revelation shouts in my spirit. Truth be told, when I think of healing, I mainly think of the physical. I'm not sure why, considering that Abba has healed me so much emotionally in the past. But today, I read those words. I speak them out loud, I realize that this whole time, I have wondered why oh why Abba has allowed me to to still endure Fibromyalgia when He doesn't desire me to be sick, and when He has the power to make me well at any moment. There was a particularly harrowing season when I wondered in prayer if He had forgotten me. I knew deep down that He had not, and yet my emotions were all over the place and it seemed as though His favor was everywhere but on me. The shame and guilt at being sick only deepened that sense of being far away from Him. Still I clung, desperate and just barely. 

Today, I read those words and I understand. I understand! My body is sick, but so was my soul. In fact, it was very sick. Perhaps even more so then the myriad of ailments that course through my body. All of the insecurity, doubt, anger, fear- ALL of the ugliness inside of me was shaken loose and rose to the surface. All of those toxic emotions that have revealed themselves over the last 4 years have resulted in this serene peace that has only recently swaddled me. He has, once again, healed my soul. My heart sings with abandon, and the shame that tinged my every moment, has been broken off like chains being ripped from my entire body, only because the Healer has healed the emotional sickness that pervaded my very heart. 

I am not the woman I was before Fibromyalgia, and I am not the woman I was the last 4-5 years. I am NOW. I carry peace and joy, light and life. My heart very literally feels at rest. I am secure in my vessel. I love myself again. I honestly wondered if I ever would. 

The knowledge fills me with a gratitude that also feels like surprise. 

What perfect, beautiful timing our Savior has! It's almost my birthday, and what better gift then to carry this treasure into this next year of life. 

God, surely you are good ALL of the time. Through every storm of the soul you have carried me. You are so merciful. I love you so much and I praise you! Had you not healed me, you would still be good, and yet, you CHOSE to heal me. You didn't let the depression overtake me- though it very nearly did. You didn't let me saturate in the grief and anger, though many moments felt like I would never escape it. Your affection is the sweetest thing I've ever known. I am in awe and feel so loved by you.

Life is not always peaches and cream, and still you rise in the muddiest of places, and reveal the light of your mercy time and time again. 

May I never waste this gift you've given me- the sweetness of being found in you once again. I pray that you never stop healing my heart when it breaks, when it is burdened, when life overwhelms and circumstances scream loud. Your grace IS sufficient, and you are so gracious with those you love. Though my body is still in sickness, you have unfettered my spirit. I cannot thank you enough.

I love you. I really, really love you. 

This chapter means more to me then it ever has before. Thank you that your Word is always fresh. 

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you have lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down into the pit. 

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. 

When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken." O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed. 

To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: "What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks forever. 

Amen. 

Sleep

Today, I can finally fit into a tee shirt I ordered in 2011. Because of the candida gut, it was way too tight, and now that the inches have been peeling off with feverish intensity, many clothes I haven't worn in years are now becoming available to wear! It sounds superficial, but it is a huge accomplishment! It means that the candida is becoming managed and hopefully eradicated, and that means one less health issue compromising my immune system. Plus, let's just get real: it feels awesome to lose weight. ;)

When I got to the worst point of this illness, my quality of living was about 10%. I barely struggled though each day, taking care of Mylie and trying to do basic things for myself. That went to about 20% after I moved to NC and started to really face the stages of grief, and learn how to rest without guilt and say no to most activities. I had seasons where I could ride my bike regularly, or walk around the block, but mostly I was still majorly just trying to endure every day. Now, after a mere 4 months of juicing, my quality of living has gone to about 50%! This gives me GREAT hope. I very obviously cannot control my illness. There are some days where the pain and fatigue are at screeching monkey levels, and I must pay heed to that, however, I am quite excited that so much has progressed when it comes to going out and doing simple errands, recovering faster after engaging in activities, and the weight loss. 

Lately I have been struggling with insomnia and migraines, but last night I actually slept for hours, only waking up once versus every hour, and having NO night sweats! Getting adequate sleep is so marvelous and doesn't always happen, so I feel incredibly grateful today. 

God has been so gracious to me. There is one severe stress trigger that I have identified in recent weeks, and I am doing my very best to limit my exposure to it. It's not always easy, but I am so determined to protect my mind and body, and keep on working towards my wellness. 

I always say this, and it's because I feel it is necessary: If you are reading this blog for the first time, or if you have for awhile now, I want to state emphatically: there is NO cure. There is no quick fix. There is no special thing that I am doing that puts me above everyone else suffering from Fibromyalgia. There is only the desire to have a functional lifestyle, the urgent prayers whispered to Jesus, the drive to manage MY body the best that I can. I advocate juicing, but I don't claim that it has made me 100% better. I advocate exercise, but it's not always possible. I advocate eliminating stress. I advocate allowing ourselves to feel- really feel. The good stuff, but the bad stuff too. There's a lot of gold in the bad stuff. I advocate researching Fibromyalgia for ourselves and not trusting every single thing we read. This is a very personal illness, and as we have all read before, there is no one size fits all tactic to start living well again. Many times it feels like banging our heads against a wall, and discouragement can swallow us like a whale. 

So, today, I am thankful for sleep. I am happy that it's my birth month, and I am pleased as punch that life only gets more beautiful as each day passes. 

I wish this for you- whoever you are. May your journey be beautiful, even when it feels dry and hopeless. 

I'm living proof that there is always another good day around the corner. 

<3

SO accurate. 

"Acquiring a disability is a bit like getting home to find there’s a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved and official channels to get rid of infestations of wild animals (in this case, the NHS) and they umm and aah and suck air in through their teeth before saying something roughly equivalent to “what you’ve got ‘ere, mate, is a gorilla, and there ain’t really a lot what we can do about them, see…” before sending you back home to the gorilla’s waiting arms.

The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide that (s)he can’t deal with the gorilla, and leave. Your boss may get upset that you’ve brought the gorilla to work with you and it’s disrupting your colleagues, who don’t know how to deal with gorillas. You’re arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don’t turn up at all because at the last minute, the gorilla has decided to barricade you into the bathroom or sit on you so you can’t get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because when you see them - which isn’t often, because they don’t want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla and the gorilla won’t always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darn gorilla and the devastation it is causing.

There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.

One is to ignore it and hope it goes away. This is unlikely to work. A 300-lb gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that’s on top of you, it will have an effect on you.

Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling constantly with it, spending all your time fighting it. This is often a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This also tends to be a losing battle. However, every so often, one in a hundred gorillas will get bored and wander off. The crystal-wavers and gorilla-wrestlers will claim victory, and tell the media that it’s a massive breakthrough in gorilla-control, and that the 99 other gorilla-wrestlers just aren’t doing it right due to sloppy thinking or lack of committment. The 99 other gorilla-wrestlers won’t have the time or energy to argue.

I have known people spend the best years of their life and tens of thousands of pounds trying to force their gorillas to go away. The tragedy is that even if it does wander off for a while, they won’t get their pre-gorilla lives back. They’ll be older, skint, exhausted, and constantly afraid that the gorilla may well come back.

The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it, and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Find out how to equip your home with gorilla-friendly furnishings and appliances. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accomodate, or even make use of, your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla-taming tips.

People get really upset about this and throw around accusations of “giving up” and “not even trying”. They even suggest that you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla-turds in your bedroom every morning and night, not to mention your weekly bill for bananas). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day, they too will have a gorilla in their house.”

-Unknown