There had been no trauma to that area so it was a complete mystery! I figured it was a rash or something, and after talking with some trusted friends they had me convinced I should maybe see a doctor. My blood sugar was also in diabetes range again so that was another thing to be concerned about. We decided to go and get it checked out.
After a long wait the doctor came in. He was in the room all of 15 seconds when he informed me that I was too young to be on all of the medications I am on. He told me he would recommend me getting off ALL of my medications and starting from scratch.
Um. Okay. Because I did not just go through 2 years of HELL trying to figure out what was going on and why my body was failing me with one infection after another. It was as if I'd somehow jumped into a time machine and was starting back at square one with no one to believe me and another doctor who dismissed me.
He was very patronizing. He said, "well you may have Fibromyalgia but that is a disorder caused by depression where you don't get enough sleep so your muscles don't repair."
Wrong.
Those are elements that come along with this disease, but that is NOT what Fibromyalgia is. There's no easy way to describe it. People see a dumb Lyrica commercial and think they have it figured out. "It's nerves right?" Well, yes, but it is also so much more. It is a breakdown of your entire body and mind. It has no prejudice. It will wipe out your memory, fog your brain, render you unable to stand up for longer then 3 minutes, make you dizzy, allow your poor immune system to catch any old thing, and don't even get me started on the tired. And those are just a few of the things that go wrong with this neuro immune disorder.
Doctor patronizing looked at the dotted blood bruise on my leg and told me that I must have scratched myself during sleep.
Right.
I can barely graze my skin due to the pain and I'm supposed to believe I dragged my nails over it. No way, not possible. It's far too sensitive and if I had been sleeping and scratched, I would have definitely woken up. The pain is that deep.
He told me that I am too young to claim all of these disabilities for the rest of my life. As if I have a choice. As if I want to be disabled. As if I chose this. He said to me, "I can tell by talking with you that you are very bright." Then he left.
I handled it well. No flying tantrum. No anger. Just acceptance. The only reason I could is because I already have gone down this road. I've seen numerous doctors who couldn't diagnose me, who refused to take me seriously, who belittled me. I thought of my Fibro sisters all over the world, and I held my head up high.
It wasn't until I got home that I broke down.
I thought about how the doctor had told me I was very bright but he didn't think I should say I had Fibromyalgia. Does that insinuate that people who are sick, who have Fibro are not bright?
No.
It means people are uneducated about it. It means that we need to work harder to spread the word about it. So many precious people have this disease. So many people struggle for years to get a diagnosis and to find a doctor who will work with them and their specifically tailored ailments. I remembered through a foggy memory ALL of the emergency rooms and appointments and injections and treatments and questions I had when this all started in 2009. ALL of 2010 was spent in hospitals and at clinics. It actually started in 2007, but 2009 is when I took the dip that sent me sliding into the no going back zone. The sick that I never fully recovered from. I thought about how a cocky young doctor could read all the textbooks he wanted, but he wasn't the one who bled from strange places and woke up to strange bruises, and he wasn't the one who had to fight to be heard.
I sobbed for 3 hours. Part of it was the emergency room, and part of it was other stuff. It all blended together and I had a good, hearty cry.
Yesterday I slept in late and when I woke up I felt sort of sluggish. Since that is common with Fibro I just took a shower and got dressed. Then it hit. I had diarrhea and I started throwing up at the same time. 4x in the wastebasket. I was sweating and had hot flashes.... just like I used to. It's been awhile since I had a vomiting attack and a hot flash attack. When it was over I felt so sick. Still I allowed myself to go to church. I knew it would be grand for the mental aspect of things. And it was. The Lord confirmed some things He has been laying on my heart. Specific things that only He has spoken over my life and my heart.
I went home and could not get to sleep last night for anything. Not even after 2 melatonin. Finally around 4am I fell into a restless slumber. I woke up at 7:15am and could not get back to sleep so I read Kisses From Katie, and I remembered....
I remembered how much I love the Philippines. I remembered how much I long to be there. I remembered that there are dreams inside of my heart that the Lord has deposited in there. I remembered how it felt to be on that soil, how much it felt like home to me, and how I sobbed when I had to leave it.... but I was so sure I'd be back soon.
It has been almost 3 years since I was there and I miss it so much. I miss the people, I miss the land, I miss seeing the hand of God move among His people there. It is so very beautiful.
While reading Katie's tale I also started to think a lot about how much I miss "my" kids. I am so grateful that Abba allowed me to be a "mama" to such amazing kids and teenagers. I love each of those precious children so much and I miss the days we had together- laughing and loving each other. It truly was the best of times. I look at photos of that time in my life and my eyes carry a sparkle that can be found only by being obedient to the Lord and working for His kingdom. Many people told me I was wasting my life and that I should get a "real" job. They warned me that I would need social security, that I should do something else. It used to bug me. My security is not in money or in the government or in a job. ALL of those things will fade. The only thing that will last is Jesus and what He has done through my life. I have had many jobs. From the moment I was 16, I worked my butt off. I have had the experience of being a bank teller, a fast food member, a manager a few times, and a myriad of other job titles, and I can honestly say that none of those occupations did for my soul what being a spiritual mama did.
I thrived. I laughed. I loved. I was in my element. Those kids were and still are my world and I learned more from them in 6 years then I ever have in any classroom or in any book.
This was my #1 verse to go to during that beautiful season:
Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.
1 Peter 5:2-3
I have had a lovely, sensational life. The God of the universe has loved me, continued to sweetly break me in, has given me his heartbeat for people, and has brought my dreams into fruition. He is good. He is bigger then a doctor. He is bigger then any disability, and He is bigger then my own mind.
I WILL go back to the Philippines. I will work with kids again.
How can I say that?
I am sick.
I can't handle sounds.
I can't be around crowds.
I can't....
but He has given me this heart and that is what it beats faster for.
To go to the nations.
To live a life not constricted by material possession.
To love children.
To pray.
To bless others.
So I reject that word. I was told I could never work with kids again. I was told I had the back of a 65 year old woman.
No.
No.
No.
My God is able.
My God is faithful.
My God is healer.
I can't...
but He can,
and that is beautiful to a soul lodged in darkness.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
Monday, December 12, 2011
Surprise
Last night:
Watched 12 Dates of Christmas on TV.
Today:
I finished The Host (great read!)
Watched most of The Heart of Christmas (the rest will be finished later)
Started reading Snow Day by Billy Coffey
Ate a "Hamburger Helper" meal made from scratch by my mom
Texted with my cousin
Downloaded A Very Brady Christmas to be put on a dvd
And now I am going to watch Altitude with Aaron. My pain is rampant today. My whole entire back is ablaze with a flare. A bit nauseated as well. Still, that is supremely well after this last week. I feel great about that. Oh, and I started eating fruits again. The doctor had told me to stay away from ALL sugar, even fruit (for at least 4 months) but since I haven't been doing so grand on the no sugar aspect of things (it's up and down) I figured I might as well bring back the fruits. ;) I've actually decided to just go back to limiting snacks and watching my portions, like I used to do in Georgia. At that time I walked 4-5 miles everyday and was on the no carbs craze like everyone else. I didn't deprieve myself of chocolate when I wanted, but I limited it to one small cup of hot chocolate from the vending machine each afternoon at work, or a random crescent roll or things like that. I stopped drinking soda completely (I still don't like it except in rare moments when only a sip of it will quench a thirst) and I cut out unnecessary splurges like fries with a meal. It worked for me. I lost 15 lbs. in less then a month, and I was able to sustain that lifestyle for a couple of years before I started messing up. However, since I am getting older and have all of these health issues, I think it would be most beneficial to go back to these basic principles. I know there are some factors working against me (not being able to walk all of the time due to Fibro and osteoarthritis/tendonitis in one ankle), thyroid issues (I am on meds but the dosage is all funky right now until I get a doctor here) and candida is battling to stay strong.... but I know I can do this.
People have told me I am strong. They have spoken that into my life and I haven't always seen it, but today I thought about it and I realized just how very good God has been to me. I know I have said that over and over throughout the duration of this blog, but it is something I never tire of discovering. His goodness has not just been once, or twice, or even seven times. His goodness has been infinite. For every tear, for every trial on this journey, He has equipped me. He has been my strength. He prepared the way to NC and seasoned all parties involved so that although hurts would occur, we all made it through in one piece. I have struggled more then I ever have in my life with these last 2 years.... not just my health. I lost my health, my job, my car, my home, "my" kids, and He still blessed me in abundance. Wow.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
And I've not been giving my body enough credit. Yes, it is tired all of the time. Yes, it is weary and an easy target for anxiety or anger or depression. Yes, it is in pain more often then it is not. Yes, it frustrates me. But this body... MY body.... it IS strong. It has fought back. It has stood up when it has wanted to sit down. It has held little children. It has moved across the united states WHILE having Fibromyalgia. It has kept me going, churning through the days and allowing me to sit here today typing this.
We have so much resilience inside of us. We have so much LIFE.
Thank you, sweet precious Jesus.
One more day...
and somehow that is enough.
Watched 12 Dates of Christmas on TV.
Today:
I finished The Host (great read!)
Watched most of The Heart of Christmas (the rest will be finished later)
Started reading Snow Day by Billy Coffey
Ate a "Hamburger Helper" meal made from scratch by my mom
Texted with my cousin
Downloaded A Very Brady Christmas to be put on a dvd
And now I am going to watch Altitude with Aaron. My pain is rampant today. My whole entire back is ablaze with a flare. A bit nauseated as well. Still, that is supremely well after this last week. I feel great about that. Oh, and I started eating fruits again. The doctor had told me to stay away from ALL sugar, even fruit (for at least 4 months) but since I haven't been doing so grand on the no sugar aspect of things (it's up and down) I figured I might as well bring back the fruits. ;) I've actually decided to just go back to limiting snacks and watching my portions, like I used to do in Georgia. At that time I walked 4-5 miles everyday and was on the no carbs craze like everyone else. I didn't deprieve myself of chocolate when I wanted, but I limited it to one small cup of hot chocolate from the vending machine each afternoon at work, or a random crescent roll or things like that. I stopped drinking soda completely (I still don't like it except in rare moments when only a sip of it will quench a thirst) and I cut out unnecessary splurges like fries with a meal. It worked for me. I lost 15 lbs. in less then a month, and I was able to sustain that lifestyle for a couple of years before I started messing up. However, since I am getting older and have all of these health issues, I think it would be most beneficial to go back to these basic principles. I know there are some factors working against me (not being able to walk all of the time due to Fibro and osteoarthritis/tendonitis in one ankle), thyroid issues (I am on meds but the dosage is all funky right now until I get a doctor here) and candida is battling to stay strong.... but I know I can do this.
People have told me I am strong. They have spoken that into my life and I haven't always seen it, but today I thought about it and I realized just how very good God has been to me. I know I have said that over and over throughout the duration of this blog, but it is something I never tire of discovering. His goodness has not just been once, or twice, or even seven times. His goodness has been infinite. For every tear, for every trial on this journey, He has equipped me. He has been my strength. He prepared the way to NC and seasoned all parties involved so that although hurts would occur, we all made it through in one piece. I have struggled more then I ever have in my life with these last 2 years.... not just my health. I lost my health, my job, my car, my home, "my" kids, and He still blessed me in abundance. Wow.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
And I've not been giving my body enough credit. Yes, it is tired all of the time. Yes, it is weary and an easy target for anxiety or anger or depression. Yes, it is in pain more often then it is not. Yes, it frustrates me. But this body... MY body.... it IS strong. It has fought back. It has stood up when it has wanted to sit down. It has held little children. It has moved across the united states WHILE having Fibromyalgia. It has kept me going, churning through the days and allowing me to sit here today typing this.
We have so much resilience inside of us. We have so much LIFE.
Thank you, sweet precious Jesus.
One more day...
and somehow that is enough.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
A Great Week
I knew it was going to take awhile to get that sliver of equilibrium restored after the stress and chaos of the move across the states. It has been near 4 months since we packed the U-Haul and trekked the miles and it has been a bitter struggle to keep my head above the water, so to speak.
My body has betrayed me time and time again. Some of that betrayal my own fault as I pushed beyond what Fibro would allow and as I ignored boundaries that would inevitably make me feel better.
Like just now, I dropped the laptop and my hands are not cooperating with me. My brain is wrapped in thick fog and I have to focus extra hard to type these words out.
Flare.
I should be used to it by now. It's been 2 years of this up, down, side, back, forward, back again dance. It is dizzying (literally) and terrifying and frustrating....
and I am angry about all of that, most especially on days like today where I feel it so severely, but I am also elated somewhere deep down.
Elated?
Yes.
These 2 weeks alone I have been able to:
-go to my Uncle's place and hang out for a few hours
- Go get applications for medicaid and food stamps, apply for SSI, go Christmas shopping with my mom (shopping is extremely difficult for me, particularly when the motorized carts lose battery and I am left to walk the mill of a store.... usually Target. ;) And this was all in one day! PROGRESS.
-put up our Christmas tree and decorations with my family
-go to social services and have my interview (no easy feat since chatter and walking take a lot out of this physical body)for food stamps. I was approved for emergency status and have already received my card in the mail. Thank you Jesus!
-have a phone interview for SSI for OVER AN HOUR, and then go to the library, hang out at a bookstore like I used to, and go to church. Again, sounds simple but for Fibro, it is a huge victory. Conversation, noise, and lights are all depleting the body of energy and sucking away the ability to function in general. I sat with 2 ladies I met awhile back and one of them invited me to serve at a soup kitchen. This enthralls me because I miss serving SO much and I am itchy for fellowship here, but I know this is going to be a baby steps thing. If I feel able I can serve in limited capacity, seeing as how I cannot stand for longer then a few minutes and the interacting is going to be considerable. I am willing to try, and I am going to attempt not to beat myself up too much if my body is not ready for that yet. I am so happy I was able to make church and that I got to chat with people.
-go out the very next day to a movie by myself, which I have always loved so much. I did not use earplugs for the first time in a very long time. It was actually 10 minutes until the movie until I noticed. Had to cover my ears during the motorcycle scene, but that's still amazing! Driving myself places with ease now, when before it was entirely overwhelming and took ALL of my focus. I could not have the stereo on or people talking. It is still difficult at night or when others are in the car with me, and I feel this pressure to hurry up when I am out by myself.... sort of anticipating the flare and wanting to beat it so I don't have to call someone at home and have them pick me up if I cannot handle the drive home, but I AM DRIVING again. This has done wonders for self-esteem and feeling like I CAN do things independently. After all of this I went home and skyped with Mylie for a long time. Got to read her a couple of books and play games.
-the very next day going to the library again, and hanging out at the bookstore. This gives me a semblance of having a life. At the library I carried my own stack of books (something we take for granted in a healthy host, but what becomes a huge feat when your wrists and arms feel like they are being stabbed repeatedly by tiny ice picks). I saw so many gorgeous colors in the leaves and trees around me as I drive around. The stereo was going and I thrived. After those 2 tasks I even went to to the grocery store and WALKED the length of it as I got groceries. I didn't get very much and nothing heavy. Just fruits, frozen pizzas, eggnog, and simple things I knew I would be able to lift. My bad ankle started to throb immediately and I was limping, but I did it. And I did it while talking on the phone. I also was able to return a few phone calls. That is major since talking on the phone was always a horrendous experience these last 2 years. It's getting easier. Last night I chatted with my best friend and then with my auntie and had the privilege of praying over her.
It may not sound like much but all of those things are amazing, amazing victories for the Fibro patient. Yesterday I skipped all of my medications except for thyroid and acid reflux. I wanted to give my body a break so I took 10 charcoal caps twice during the course of the day to clear out toxins.
I was flying high and despite some massive aches and pains,and of course the fatigue, my body has been allowing me to function a bit better. It's sort of hard to truly describe unless you are going through your own chronic conditions. All of the problems are still there, and there are "penalties" for whatever you choose to do...
case in point, I am now a clumsy, easy to snap bundle of extreme exhaustion and overwhelmed with noise and anything that affects the sensory spots. My wrists and fingers implore me to stop typing, for which I shall very shortly...
However, I am now hopeful again. I had high aspirations to maybe take an online class at the community college next semester, but have since decided to wait. I am not ready for a commitment to anything just yet and would crumble to bits if I push myself even harder then I already do. Someone asked me once, "do you ever just try to push through and deal with it?" I was highly offended and my ego puffed up like a balloon. I didn't say anything but I should have said: Yes, I push through every single day. I push through as soon as my eyes pop open in the morning and I feel that first blast of fatigue and pain. Pain that has no limits. Pain that may be in the hip or the thighs or wrists or even just in one tiny spot I didn't know had the ability to hurt. I push through when I take a shower, lifting the shampoo and conditioner, shaving my legs, soaping off. I push through when I have every conversation, when I drive a car, when I do things like have a 40 minute phone conversation or put up a Christmas tree.... things I always, always took for granted. I push through when I sit at a dinner table or go to a movie. I push through. I take many medications to balance my intestinal tract, to hopefully kill the candida that takes control and makes me crave only sugar and carbs, to make my thyroid function properly, liver medication, acid reflux, heart medication, so many supplements... the list goes on and on. But I do not have pain medication during the day. I do not have anti-anxiety medication, but for 15 pills a month which has now stopped. I would love pain medication, but doctors are hesitant because they don't want us to be addicted. So silly. The people that need pain medication should have it. Isn't that what it is for? So I would say I push through. I push through even when I feel despair, even when I feel like giving up, even when I just can't take it for one second longer....
I PUSH THROUGH.... and not on my own. I push through because I have a God who is on my team, already pulling my resistant self towards the finish line. I have amazing friends and family. I have THE most magnificent Fibro support group online. I have a Fibro sister/best friend who lives in Alabama. We've yet to meet in person, and I've never even heard her voice, but God has so aligned our hearts and given me one of the most treasured relationships in all of my days. I have a family who with all of the frustrations and daily peeves, is there for me no matter what.... in California, in Texas, in North Carolina, in Georgia.... all over. I have best friends who I have known since I was 12 years old. I was thinking about it when on the phone with Monica last night. I am grateful that I have a girlfriend who I could be myself with at 12 years old and today at 31 years old. I have no doubt that when we are 87 years old, I will be sitting somewhere with the phone pressed against my ear with her voice on the other end. I have insanely sweet fellowship- people who rock my world and show me Jesus.... La'Tees, Theresa, Melinda, Meagan, Lindsey, Ashley, Janelle,
Josh, Jeremy, Nikki, Melis, Camille, Roxanne.... the list could go on. People who inspire me with no idea that they do... all of the survivors & fighters. I have a precious, beautiful child in my life who knows me and loves me and who has forever wrecked me with how much I adore her. I have nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, cousins who are my best friends... all whom have inspired me and who I love so much. I have a mom and a dad who go above and beyond, and a best friend who has stayed beside me through every mood swing and every struggle (thank you Aaron. I have sensational relationships with 4 teenage girls who make me proud every single day. There are so many others I could name, and if you were not mentioned, know this....
YOU are special. You have impacted my life. It doesn't matter if we have known each other for ages or if we are connected by a computer screen. I am so thankful to my God for YOU. I am thankful that your eyes have found this blog. I am thankful that I got to know of you and I am so grateful that God has blessed me through you.
A great deal of time this Fibro fight is lonely. I have felt helpless and hopeless and downright not wanting to exist anymore. But I have also loved harder and God has opened up this heart of mine so wide and so deep. I am in love with creation like never before and I am expectant of the goodness of God.
I am imperfect. I make many mistakes. I fail at times. I get knocked down.
But I get back up.
And I wait for the next great day, because I know it's going to come again.
;)
Lately I have been crushing on:
frozen hot chocolate
books (of course)
Katy Perry's jams
Mad Men
Pinterest
leaves and trees and sky
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
My body has betrayed me time and time again. Some of that betrayal my own fault as I pushed beyond what Fibro would allow and as I ignored boundaries that would inevitably make me feel better.
Like just now, I dropped the laptop and my hands are not cooperating with me. My brain is wrapped in thick fog and I have to focus extra hard to type these words out.
Flare.
I should be used to it by now. It's been 2 years of this up, down, side, back, forward, back again dance. It is dizzying (literally) and terrifying and frustrating....
and I am angry about all of that, most especially on days like today where I feel it so severely, but I am also elated somewhere deep down.
Elated?
Yes.
These 2 weeks alone I have been able to:
-go to my Uncle's place and hang out for a few hours
- Go get applications for medicaid and food stamps, apply for SSI, go Christmas shopping with my mom (shopping is extremely difficult for me, particularly when the motorized carts lose battery and I am left to walk the mill of a store.... usually Target. ;) And this was all in one day! PROGRESS.
-put up our Christmas tree and decorations with my family
-go to social services and have my interview (no easy feat since chatter and walking take a lot out of this physical body)for food stamps. I was approved for emergency status and have already received my card in the mail. Thank you Jesus!
-have a phone interview for SSI for OVER AN HOUR, and then go to the library, hang out at a bookstore like I used to, and go to church. Again, sounds simple but for Fibro, it is a huge victory. Conversation, noise, and lights are all depleting the body of energy and sucking away the ability to function in general. I sat with 2 ladies I met awhile back and one of them invited me to serve at a soup kitchen. This enthralls me because I miss serving SO much and I am itchy for fellowship here, but I know this is going to be a baby steps thing. If I feel able I can serve in limited capacity, seeing as how I cannot stand for longer then a few minutes and the interacting is going to be considerable. I am willing to try, and I am going to attempt not to beat myself up too much if my body is not ready for that yet. I am so happy I was able to make church and that I got to chat with people.
-go out the very next day to a movie by myself, which I have always loved so much. I did not use earplugs for the first time in a very long time. It was actually 10 minutes until the movie until I noticed. Had to cover my ears during the motorcycle scene, but that's still amazing! Driving myself places with ease now, when before it was entirely overwhelming and took ALL of my focus. I could not have the stereo on or people talking. It is still difficult at night or when others are in the car with me, and I feel this pressure to hurry up when I am out by myself.... sort of anticipating the flare and wanting to beat it so I don't have to call someone at home and have them pick me up if I cannot handle the drive home, but I AM DRIVING again. This has done wonders for self-esteem and feeling like I CAN do things independently. After all of this I went home and skyped with Mylie for a long time. Got to read her a couple of books and play games.
-the very next day going to the library again, and hanging out at the bookstore. This gives me a semblance of having a life. At the library I carried my own stack of books (something we take for granted in a healthy host, but what becomes a huge feat when your wrists and arms feel like they are being stabbed repeatedly by tiny ice picks). I saw so many gorgeous colors in the leaves and trees around me as I drive around. The stereo was going and I thrived. After those 2 tasks I even went to to the grocery store and WALKED the length of it as I got groceries. I didn't get very much and nothing heavy. Just fruits, frozen pizzas, eggnog, and simple things I knew I would be able to lift. My bad ankle started to throb immediately and I was limping, but I did it. And I did it while talking on the phone. I also was able to return a few phone calls. That is major since talking on the phone was always a horrendous experience these last 2 years. It's getting easier. Last night I chatted with my best friend and then with my auntie and had the privilege of praying over her.
It may not sound like much but all of those things are amazing, amazing victories for the Fibro patient. Yesterday I skipped all of my medications except for thyroid and acid reflux. I wanted to give my body a break so I took 10 charcoal caps twice during the course of the day to clear out toxins.
I was flying high and despite some massive aches and pains,and of course the fatigue, my body has been allowing me to function a bit better. It's sort of hard to truly describe unless you are going through your own chronic conditions. All of the problems are still there, and there are "penalties" for whatever you choose to do...
case in point, I am now a clumsy, easy to snap bundle of extreme exhaustion and overwhelmed with noise and anything that affects the sensory spots. My wrists and fingers implore me to stop typing, for which I shall very shortly...
However, I am now hopeful again. I had high aspirations to maybe take an online class at the community college next semester, but have since decided to wait. I am not ready for a commitment to anything just yet and would crumble to bits if I push myself even harder then I already do. Someone asked me once, "do you ever just try to push through and deal with it?" I was highly offended and my ego puffed up like a balloon. I didn't say anything but I should have said: Yes, I push through every single day. I push through as soon as my eyes pop open in the morning and I feel that first blast of fatigue and pain. Pain that has no limits. Pain that may be in the hip or the thighs or wrists or even just in one tiny spot I didn't know had the ability to hurt. I push through when I take a shower, lifting the shampoo and conditioner, shaving my legs, soaping off. I push through when I have every conversation, when I drive a car, when I do things like have a 40 minute phone conversation or put up a Christmas tree.... things I always, always took for granted. I push through when I sit at a dinner table or go to a movie. I push through. I take many medications to balance my intestinal tract, to hopefully kill the candida that takes control and makes me crave only sugar and carbs, to make my thyroid function properly, liver medication, acid reflux, heart medication, so many supplements... the list goes on and on. But I do not have pain medication during the day. I do not have anti-anxiety medication, but for 15 pills a month which has now stopped. I would love pain medication, but doctors are hesitant because they don't want us to be addicted. So silly. The people that need pain medication should have it. Isn't that what it is for? So I would say I push through. I push through even when I feel despair, even when I feel like giving up, even when I just can't take it for one second longer....
I PUSH THROUGH.... and not on my own. I push through because I have a God who is on my team, already pulling my resistant self towards the finish line. I have amazing friends and family. I have THE most magnificent Fibro support group online. I have a Fibro sister/best friend who lives in Alabama. We've yet to meet in person, and I've never even heard her voice, but God has so aligned our hearts and given me one of the most treasured relationships in all of my days. I have a family who with all of the frustrations and daily peeves, is there for me no matter what.... in California, in Texas, in North Carolina, in Georgia.... all over. I have best friends who I have known since I was 12 years old. I was thinking about it when on the phone with Monica last night. I am grateful that I have a girlfriend who I could be myself with at 12 years old and today at 31 years old. I have no doubt that when we are 87 years old, I will be sitting somewhere with the phone pressed against my ear with her voice on the other end. I have insanely sweet fellowship- people who rock my world and show me Jesus.... La'Tees, Theresa, Melinda, Meagan, Lindsey, Ashley, Janelle,
Josh, Jeremy, Nikki, Melis, Camille, Roxanne.... the list could go on. People who inspire me with no idea that they do... all of the survivors & fighters. I have a precious, beautiful child in my life who knows me and loves me and who has forever wrecked me with how much I adore her. I have nieces and nephews, aunties and uncles, cousins who are my best friends... all whom have inspired me and who I love so much. I have a mom and a dad who go above and beyond, and a best friend who has stayed beside me through every mood swing and every struggle (thank you Aaron. I have sensational relationships with 4 teenage girls who make me proud every single day. There are so many others I could name, and if you were not mentioned, know this....
YOU are special. You have impacted my life. It doesn't matter if we have known each other for ages or if we are connected by a computer screen. I am so thankful to my God for YOU. I am thankful that your eyes have found this blog. I am thankful that I got to know of you and I am so grateful that God has blessed me through you.
A great deal of time this Fibro fight is lonely. I have felt helpless and hopeless and downright not wanting to exist anymore. But I have also loved harder and God has opened up this heart of mine so wide and so deep. I am in love with creation like never before and I am expectant of the goodness of God.
I am imperfect. I make many mistakes. I fail at times. I get knocked down.
But I get back up.
And I wait for the next great day, because I know it's going to come again.
;)
Lately I have been crushing on:
frozen hot chocolate
books (of course)
Katy Perry's jams
Mad Men
leaves and trees and sky
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Fibro monster and I have certainly had our fair share of dances lately. For a week or so I was experiencing crushing pain throughout my body and extreme palpitations and chest pains along with vertigo and nightmares making their cameo again. Then those symptoms let up enough to feel more functional. I was most certainly in a mood of moods for awhile. Even whilst family commented that I'd been very social, inside I was an erratic mess of feeling SO frustrated at being in this body. I have started to wear at least one earplug if need be and to really stop gorging on the foods that make me feel like crud. My blood sugar has been in pre-diabetes mode since last year, along with high blood pressure results and high cholesterol. Horrible, I know. These things are all hereditary and I sure haven't helped by eating all of the foods our society deems normal. Even my beloved unsweetened almond milk sometimes seems to cause some tension in my system. The other day my blood sugar was in the level of those with diabetes. It really freaks me out. I have all of these issues already and I truly do not wish to add one more to the cocktail.
As of today my California medical benefits will be finished and that means no more free refills of my candida, thyroid, heart, liver,anti-anxiety and acid reflux medications. I am applying through the state of North Carolina tomorrow for food stamps and for medicaid- for which I will probably be denied. Usually you have to be pregnant or over 65 to get those benefits. We'll see. I surely do need to see a cardiologist for those chest pains and palpitations. I was told I have mitral valve prolapse, but I'd like to make sure all else is well. I also need to get situated with a primary doctor, a rheumatologist (though I have phone appointments with my Fibro doctor in California), an OB/GYN, an ortho, a dermatologist, etc. Jesus, I need a miracle! On a side note, I just realized that once I started taking "baby" aspirin again daily (per my mom) the chest tightness did go away. Wow, there must certainly be something to that.
The battle to quit sugar is rough. It is such an addiction and the candida surely does love it. I went about 7 or 8 days without and then Thanksgiving hit so I indulged... a lot.... now I am re-starting. Both Fibro doctors I have seen have stressed over and over the importance of not having sugar at all, but my friend's mother in law (who is a doctor) says otherwise. Now I am confused. I can see how sugar in moderation makes sense. Unfortunately for me currently, I struggle with self-control. Once I have one bite, I need another and another. That's the way of the candida, and if I keep feeding it then I will definitely never eliminate that as a huge contributor to Fibro.
The more I talk to other women living with this disease, the more I understand that we each have different factors that make up our particular Fibromyalgia situation. There are some similarities for sure, but each of our genetic make-up provides different contributors to it in our individual bodies.
Today finds me in a very tired state. I went and actually socialized yesterday so now I am dead beat tired. Trying to recoop for tomorrow so I can endure social services and hopefully a church service. It's always better to be in pain and so darn exhausted (talking about going to a theme park exhausted) after actually doing something! The pain and fatigue for absolutely no reason is prime and also a huge slam to the self-esteem. Partaking in activities and then feeling crappy helps to create a feeling of still existing and living amongst other people. Some days I just don't have the umph to do anything. Those are the worst of times. Everything feels negative, I can't see anything positive about this, and I just want to give up.
Thank goodness for prayer and people in my life who don't allow me to stop fighting. I am so full of gratitude for all of my family and friends, and especially my fellow Fibro warriors. You each make me stronger and bring me to the next leg of the journey. :)
Yesterday while moseying around the fire pit (love that smell!) and taking pictures of the trees and beautiful streams of nature, I saw this gorgeous red amidst the dry and dead of the woods. God speaks to me a lot through nature, and this was no exception. That this beautiful thing could rise up and thrive when among that which was faded and barren was a wonderful reminder that God does indeed take our pain and make something beautiful out of it even when it is the ugliest pain we can think of.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
“For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Isaiah 61
I am reminded again, to look up, look above to the One who is always with me.
So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Colossians 3:1-2
As of today my California medical benefits will be finished and that means no more free refills of my candida, thyroid, heart, liver,anti-anxiety and acid reflux medications. I am applying through the state of North Carolina tomorrow for food stamps and for medicaid- for which I will probably be denied. Usually you have to be pregnant or over 65 to get those benefits. We'll see. I surely do need to see a cardiologist for those chest pains and palpitations. I was told I have mitral valve prolapse, but I'd like to make sure all else is well. I also need to get situated with a primary doctor, a rheumatologist (though I have phone appointments with my Fibro doctor in California), an OB/GYN, an ortho, a dermatologist, etc. Jesus, I need a miracle! On a side note, I just realized that once I started taking "baby" aspirin again daily (per my mom) the chest tightness did go away. Wow, there must certainly be something to that.
The battle to quit sugar is rough. It is such an addiction and the candida surely does love it. I went about 7 or 8 days without and then Thanksgiving hit so I indulged... a lot.... now I am re-starting. Both Fibro doctors I have seen have stressed over and over the importance of not having sugar at all, but my friend's mother in law (who is a doctor) says otherwise. Now I am confused. I can see how sugar in moderation makes sense. Unfortunately for me currently, I struggle with self-control. Once I have one bite, I need another and another. That's the way of the candida, and if I keep feeding it then I will definitely never eliminate that as a huge contributor to Fibro.
The more I talk to other women living with this disease, the more I understand that we each have different factors that make up our particular Fibromyalgia situation. There are some similarities for sure, but each of our genetic make-up provides different contributors to it in our individual bodies.
Today finds me in a very tired state. I went and actually socialized yesterday so now I am dead beat tired. Trying to recoop for tomorrow so I can endure social services and hopefully a church service. It's always better to be in pain and so darn exhausted (talking about going to a theme park exhausted) after actually doing something! The pain and fatigue for absolutely no reason is prime and also a huge slam to the self-esteem. Partaking in activities and then feeling crappy helps to create a feeling of still existing and living amongst other people. Some days I just don't have the umph to do anything. Those are the worst of times. Everything feels negative, I can't see anything positive about this, and I just want to give up.
Thank goodness for prayer and people in my life who don't allow me to stop fighting. I am so full of gratitude for all of my family and friends, and especially my fellow Fibro warriors. You each make me stronger and bring me to the next leg of the journey. :)
Yesterday while moseying around the fire pit (love that smell!) and taking pictures of the trees and beautiful streams of nature, I saw this gorgeous red amidst the dry and dead of the woods. God speaks to me a lot through nature, and this was no exception. That this beautiful thing could rise up and thrive when among that which was faded and barren was a wonderful reminder that God does indeed take our pain and make something beautiful out of it even when it is the ugliest pain we can think of.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
“For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Isaiah 61
I am reminded again, to look up, look above to the One who is always with me.
So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Colossians 3:1-2
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Got to Skype with Mylie tonight. :) This was the first time the connection was seamless and where we actually got to talk in a flow. We played and talked and she showed me some of her things. Then Aaron came in and Mylie said, "Hello handsome!" We also went through the Christmas Target catalog- her with hers on that end and mine over here and I circled what she wants for Christmas. It was so fun!
Today I am not doing well physically at all. I have not had pain this bad in MONTHS. My whole left side- hip, lower back, side all ache with that deep, deep ouch that does not relent. And I am having major chest pains again. They've been happening much more frequently lately, with tonight being at it's worst.
I broke up the streak I had of being sugar free again bu having 2 slices of pecan pie last night. I have never liked the stuff, never liked egg nog either... but suddenly it tastes so delicious! Seriously. But feeling like this so bad today reminds me that I have to stop. It is not an option, it is something I have to do if I want to be better. I struggle so much with this one! Who wants to give up sugar completely?????
There seems to be sugar in everything...
Anyway, I felt dismissed today when someone mentioned how I am not socializing enough. I end up feeling guilty and also irritated. If you felt sick all the time would you want to go and chat and hang out? No, you'd be in bed....
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving.
Today I am not doing well physically at all. I have not had pain this bad in MONTHS. My whole left side- hip, lower back, side all ache with that deep, deep ouch that does not relent. And I am having major chest pains again. They've been happening much more frequently lately, with tonight being at it's worst.
I broke up the streak I had of being sugar free again bu having 2 slices of pecan pie last night. I have never liked the stuff, never liked egg nog either... but suddenly it tastes so delicious! Seriously. But feeling like this so bad today reminds me that I have to stop. It is not an option, it is something I have to do if I want to be better. I struggle so much with this one! Who wants to give up sugar completely?????
There seems to be sugar in everything...
Anyway, I felt dismissed today when someone mentioned how I am not socializing enough. I end up feeling guilty and also irritated. If you felt sick all the time would you want to go and chat and hang out? No, you'd be in bed....
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Conviction
It's been a rough patch for a long while now. When we're healthy and we get sick we usually bounce back after a few days, maybe a week if it is a particularly bad flu or virus. We slide easily back into our daily routines and hardly give thought to what we just went through holed up in bed or sneezing every 5 minutes. Life must go on.
When we are chronically ill- whatever it may be, from diabetes to Cancer, becomes difficult and REGULAR. There is no reprieve, there is no waiting for it to be gone. Instead we must learn how to navigate the very lives we have carefully constructed over time. Our days become a mission to endure and to fight to even have a tiny bit of normalcy.
Not each day is horrible. There is laughter, there is an extra strength that comes, and oh those days feel like Christmas and a birthday rolled into one, and there are moments of supreme joy. Life isn't over, it is just different. Very different. Everything we once took for granted becomes a mountain. Having a friend over, driving a car, eating the right foods, taking our medication on time, getting adequate sleep, being able to function... it all becomes trial and error. We have to figure out what we can handle and what must be eliminated in order to maintain a balance and not fall into a bad way. It is no easy feat. Sometimes we can be in a bad way for a long time.
With Fibromyalgia there is no predictability. Everyday is a new cocktail of ailments. Lately for me it has been vertigo, chest pains, and supreme fatigue, but it changes with no warning. One moment I can handle sounds and I am laughing and having a ball, the next I am angry and wanting to hide in a corner, so certain that I am ruining the lives around me with my incessant needs and irrationality.
Lately I had been in a funk of epic proportions. I felt extremely negative and I noticed it was coming out in my speech and in my thought life. However, when in the midst of it all it is almost impossible to crawl out of the dark. I stayed there. Bitter and angry and crying. Feelings of inadequacy washed over me as I had to wear earplugs at the dinner table, hiding away in the bedroom because everything visual or verbal made me feel much worse. Each conversation I could pick apart and think of what I'd said wrong and what someone really meant. There is a guilt that comes with chronic illness that is particularly difficult to survive when in the darkness of soul.
It seems like no matter what, during those times, there is no way to come out. We can pray earnestly and vent and try to explain all of the irrational, depressing thoughts that keep us held so still, but our mere words never do it justice. All we can think of at these times is escape. "If only I was still healthy" or a whole host of other sentences that lend only to drive us deeper into our madness.
And so we wait... we remember through the gritty tears that we've come out before. It feels like we will never feel light again. The despair is that thick.
And then one day it comes. It can be a good night of sleep, or a song, or a friend, or reading our Bibles. It can be nothing else except the fact that our bodies are relenting just a little and we can feel a piece of our old selves reshuffle and lead us out of that darkness.
Recently I found myself in a negative place. All of the emotional parts of accepting my condition came crashing all at once. The things I pushed away to deal with later while in California. I felt near hysteria. And when I am like that- lashing out and attacking, well, I reap what I sow. I was attacked back. I was told some very ugly things out of anger, and just like that I was a ball of helplessness and despair. See, in our dark times we have no rationality, or if we do, it is very slim. I felt like a nothing so I acted like a nothing.
And then I listened to a sermon from my friends' church in Alabama and it was about how our mouths are a reflection of our hearts. Familiar verses from the Bible, a sermon I've heard in different variations throughout the years, but it came fresh and it was needed. I started to think about my behavior, my speech... putting myself down, believing the lies about myself that have been spoken into my spirit before, the set up the enemy has laid out since I was born. So I started to repent and ask God to fill me up with kindness again. To fill me up with Himself anew and to take all of those negative words that spread throughout my body and soul.
And then I went to sleep.
The next day I drove to the library. All of the beauty of fall met each other though the reds and yellows and oranges of the trees and sky. The stereo played delicious music that moved my soul. I sang loud, I danced in the car, and after the library I parked and sang psalm 51 out loud to God over and over.
Psalm 51
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
As I poured out my heart, I felt it. Hope resurfacing.
It is not to be taken lightly. Hope is what coasts us along on those days where we want to give up and when it disappears we are lost again. Adrift. When it unearths from where we've stifled it, it is a beautiful moment. Suddenly the world is full of possibility again.
As I drove home "God of Wonders" came on the radio. I smiled and sang with all of my heart. This to me is another sign of God's move in my life. He has been bringing me back to the simplicity of who he is and who I am in Him. Striping away the junk I've allowed in over the last few years. No hyper spiritual songs to move the emotions, no big show of worshiping Him. Just Him.
When we are chronically ill- whatever it may be, from diabetes to Cancer, becomes difficult and REGULAR. There is no reprieve, there is no waiting for it to be gone. Instead we must learn how to navigate the very lives we have carefully constructed over time. Our days become a mission to endure and to fight to even have a tiny bit of normalcy.
Not each day is horrible. There is laughter, there is an extra strength that comes, and oh those days feel like Christmas and a birthday rolled into one, and there are moments of supreme joy. Life isn't over, it is just different. Very different. Everything we once took for granted becomes a mountain. Having a friend over, driving a car, eating the right foods, taking our medication on time, getting adequate sleep, being able to function... it all becomes trial and error. We have to figure out what we can handle and what must be eliminated in order to maintain a balance and not fall into a bad way. It is no easy feat. Sometimes we can be in a bad way for a long time.
With Fibromyalgia there is no predictability. Everyday is a new cocktail of ailments. Lately for me it has been vertigo, chest pains, and supreme fatigue, but it changes with no warning. One moment I can handle sounds and I am laughing and having a ball, the next I am angry and wanting to hide in a corner, so certain that I am ruining the lives around me with my incessant needs and irrationality.
Lately I had been in a funk of epic proportions. I felt extremely negative and I noticed it was coming out in my speech and in my thought life. However, when in the midst of it all it is almost impossible to crawl out of the dark. I stayed there. Bitter and angry and crying. Feelings of inadequacy washed over me as I had to wear earplugs at the dinner table, hiding away in the bedroom because everything visual or verbal made me feel much worse. Each conversation I could pick apart and think of what I'd said wrong and what someone really meant. There is a guilt that comes with chronic illness that is particularly difficult to survive when in the darkness of soul.
It seems like no matter what, during those times, there is no way to come out. We can pray earnestly and vent and try to explain all of the irrational, depressing thoughts that keep us held so still, but our mere words never do it justice. All we can think of at these times is escape. "If only I was still healthy" or a whole host of other sentences that lend only to drive us deeper into our madness.
And so we wait... we remember through the gritty tears that we've come out before. It feels like we will never feel light again. The despair is that thick.
And then one day it comes. It can be a good night of sleep, or a song, or a friend, or reading our Bibles. It can be nothing else except the fact that our bodies are relenting just a little and we can feel a piece of our old selves reshuffle and lead us out of that darkness.
Recently I found myself in a negative place. All of the emotional parts of accepting my condition came crashing all at once. The things I pushed away to deal with later while in California. I felt near hysteria. And when I am like that- lashing out and attacking, well, I reap what I sow. I was attacked back. I was told some very ugly things out of anger, and just like that I was a ball of helplessness and despair. See, in our dark times we have no rationality, or if we do, it is very slim. I felt like a nothing so I acted like a nothing.
And then I listened to a sermon from my friends' church in Alabama and it was about how our mouths are a reflection of our hearts. Familiar verses from the Bible, a sermon I've heard in different variations throughout the years, but it came fresh and it was needed. I started to think about my behavior, my speech... putting myself down, believing the lies about myself that have been spoken into my spirit before, the set up the enemy has laid out since I was born. So I started to repent and ask God to fill me up with kindness again. To fill me up with Himself anew and to take all of those negative words that spread throughout my body and soul.
And then I went to sleep.
The next day I drove to the library. All of the beauty of fall met each other though the reds and yellows and oranges of the trees and sky. The stereo played delicious music that moved my soul. I sang loud, I danced in the car, and after the library I parked and sang psalm 51 out loud to God over and over.
Psalm 51
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
As I poured out my heart, I felt it. Hope resurfacing.
It is not to be taken lightly. Hope is what coasts us along on those days where we want to give up and when it disappears we are lost again. Adrift. When it unearths from where we've stifled it, it is a beautiful moment. Suddenly the world is full of possibility again.
As I drove home "God of Wonders" came on the radio. I smiled and sang with all of my heart. This to me is another sign of God's move in my life. He has been bringing me back to the simplicity of who he is and who I am in Him. Striping away the junk I've allowed in over the last few years. No hyper spiritual songs to move the emotions, no big show of worshiping Him. Just Him.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
It's a Long One!
10-26-2011
Because I am a Christian. Because that doesn't mean I have it all together.. Because grace and knowing my Savior is the only reason I don't give in when I feel like I just can't endure it for one second more or when the enemy is taunting me with lies tied up in the past. Jesus. That's why I won't hide the truth and the ugliness that goes on with illness. It's real and saying cool lingo like "I'm not going to partner with it" doesn't make it disappear. I am a real woman with real sin. I have hurts. I am not immune to acting out in my flesh.
As a believer we tend to hold ourselves a certain way. We ought to be the realest people out there, but there is a stigma against being completely real, especially about the ugly bits. We put on smiles, and say we are fine to those that ask us. We serve, we lead at youth groups, we go to Christian events. We "forget" that it is by grace and grace alone that we are redeemed.
We are allowed to be open. We are allowed to be vulnerable. We are allowed to admit we are broken at times. When we stop admitting our sins and failures, then we stop knowing that it is by the blood of Jesus that we are saved. Because it becomes about preserving the Christian reputation. We allow ourselves to feel guilty when we need help. We feel we must keep it all together or we will not be as spiritual as the others.
No, my friends, no. What makes us spiritual is being able to be honest with ourselves and with others when we struggle. Our addictions, our fears, our emotions. When we start putting on the facade, when we start living in that space that says we must have it together because we are representatives of Christ, that is when we fail to accurately reveal who our Savior really is. If we had it all together then we wouldn't need Jesus.
Today:
I've been praying a ton about church and what it says in the book of Acts is not what church in America has become today. I am grateful to have the freedom we do here to worship God. We can read our Bibles at Starbucks and we can find a myriad of churches on every corner. We can find one to tailor fit our needs with just the right ministries and the right music and the right pastor. But the problem I see in all of that is it becomes all about "me, me, me." It becomes about how I can be fed, how much I like the music, how much I get from it. That is not Biblical to me.
I realize this is going to sting some people. Good. I want it to. I want to challenge you. I want to be challenged. Is there truth to what I am saying?
We are called to spread the gospel We are called to love people. We are called to serve God no matter what we are doing- whether it is working at McDonald's or babysitting or mowing lawns or even cleaning toilets. We are called to be representatives of Christ regardless of which church you call home or what awesome ministry we are serving at.
Ministry is great. I have been privileged to help lead in some awesome places. It was fun and it was a blessing. I learned a lot and I met wonderful brothers and sisters who have become lifelong friends. What I am saying is that we don't need a church to do those things.
We need the word of God. We need an active prayer life. We need solitude with our Creator. We need to worship in song. We need to serve others. We need to live for the Kingdom. We need to give away of ourselves. We need to love people. We need to go to the nations. We need fellowship that is authentic and challenging.
That's it.
I love church. I believe in attending church. I love hearing the word of God spoken out to a congregation. I love worshiping with a room full of other believers and hearing the sweet, sweet sound. Those are beautiful things. However, in my search for a new home church I have started to notice some things.
Things I never would have found to be an issue before.
While it is great to equip believers with materials and teachings to promote spiritual growth, church is not supposed to be about us. Church is supposed to be about Jesus. Church is supposed to be sharing the gospel. I find it disheartening that money is being spent on bulletins and coffee mugs and pens and items that have nothing to do with people being saved. I find it an issue that materials and books and cds and whatnot are sold for a profit in a church. Any church. Bibles should be handed out. I am not blasting having books and cds and materials. I have those. I am blasting that in a church where we proclaim that knowing Jesus is free and that the gospel is for people, why are they charged to further their relationship with God? When Jesus walked the earth He didn't need a hot new hardcover bestseller or the latest in contemporary worship to reach people. He shared THE TRUTH. He shared scripture. Equipping someone with a Bible is a lifetime investment. Seriously. Did we forget how angry Jesus got when people were profiting at church?
“ And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,
And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.
”
— Matthew 21:12-13
When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”
John 2:13-16
Okay, we're obviously not selling cattle today but we're selling cds and materials and not understanding that it is the VERY SAME THING that pissed Jesus off back than.
I've been doing a ton of research about certain churches and things that I took at face value before. My spirit is very open, which is a great thing, but it can also be a hindrance. I am looking back on the last few years and realizing that a lot of the stuff I just accepted without contrasting it to the scriptures.
The church I first came to know the Lord at was a very wonderful place for a baby believer. The doctrine is sound, the connections made forged deep bonds, and there was authentic community. Today, as I reflect on all of this I feel quite lucky to have been grounded in a right place. Because of what God did through that first home church, I am able to look at the last few years and take off the rose colored glasses.
I started attending a more charismatic church in 2006, and straddled both my previous church and that one for about a year. I knew I was being called to this new church but I was so hesitant to step out and do it. Finally in 2007 I started attending the charismatic church. God did some amazing things in my life during my time there. He opened up my prayer life to a place I never knew existed, showed me how to worship in freedom, brought me to the Philippines, and healed some majorly hurt places in my heart.
I recognize that and I am so appreciative that He allowed me to step that way and discover more of who He is during that time. I fell in absolute love with Jesus in a way I never had before. At the time I attributed that to the church. Completely. I was caught up in all of the amazing things, the "move" of God over that place. I attended core classes, started bringing the kids I cared for, started serving at the junior high ministry, attended conferences galore, etc. I was all about it.
Now, this may sound nuts, but I feel, after being away for some time, as if the blinders are coming off. In 2008, while serving, there were some things that pin pricked at my soul but I ignored them. Little inconsistencies in some of the leadership, etc. I won't bust it all out because I still respect that church and the Pastor. I am aware that all churches will have flaws. We're all human and we all sin. With that said, I found myself changing and it felt all good. Blissful. I was anointed, and full of His spirit... I was getting healed up and being used for His kingdom. Sense a little sarcasm here? Those things are true, but what is also true is that I was becoming arrogant in a subtle way. I was becoming super fanatical and not in a Godly way.
In 2009 I went on the above mentioned trip to the Philippines. It was there that I began to learn even more about the church I held in such high esteem. I was shocked. When I returned to the states I started to observe more closely. I attended corporate prayer like I did every week and I watched. I listened. I began to see that while not all of the hearts were insincere, that there was indeed, an insincerity amongst the main leadership. Not all of them. I don't want to slander. I want to be factual. Still, I maintained loyalty to my church. I did stop attending a prophetic class and corporate prayer, and I stepped down from serving the youth. I was already sick at the time and it made sense to step back at the time. Once I stepped down, I literally became a nobody. I no longer fit in. "Friends" stopped saying hi to me in the halls, no one invited me to hang out, and I sort of faded into the backdrop.
For over a year I still attended this church. I watched as the rythym began to change and it started to become about money. They are building a massive campus and so it just got showier and showier. Before that announcement, we'd already launched a sister campus in another town. There were podcasts online, more products sold. The feeling over the place started to change. Since I've been especially ill the last 2 years I was attending as much as I could on the weekends and watching online when I couldn't make it. But something had changed.
I felt like it must be me. I was the one who was sick. I was the one who couldn't attend every function. I must be the ungodly one. I must have been doing something wrong to not warrant the fellowship I thought I had. I wrestled with guilt for a long time, and even after moving cross country, I pondered as to whether the enemy was telling me lies in order to sway me. Obviously we know 1 Peter 5:8: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I get that and so I wondered if I was being devoured slowly.
I believe in healing, I have been healed from cervical cancer growth and from lumbar osteoarthritis. I believe in miracles. I believe in spiritual gifts. I believe and know that God is able and can do all things, whatever He wants to do. I believe and because I believe I have to be accountable to what He says in His word.
However, and I say this with some hesitation, I have recently begun to pray for clarity over everything I have opened myself up to these last years. There came a point where I felt like I was commanding God to do something "in His name" versus calling out to Him entirely and I started to realize that in casting out these things in brothers and sisters we sure are giving the devil major credit. Thankfully in God's infinite grace and mercy, He still grew me during my times of self-obsession. I wouldn't even classify it as that, but for lack of better words, that is what it feels that I am coming out from.
The thing is that it was so darn subtle, and I was being a "good" Christian so it was easy to miss in myself. I was caught up in spiritual hype and in "working for the Kingdom." Again, I believe in advancing the gospel. I believe in serving. I believe in attending a healthy, Bible grounded church. I believe in fellowship. I believe, I believe, I believe. I also believe 2 Corinthians 13:5: "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
I do not know that all of what I experienced was inherently "bad." I do know that when something feels off in your spirit it means we should pray on it and seek wisdom and TRUTH over what feels pretty.
Lots of things feel good and sound good. It is a cinch to start to compromise even while doing good things.
One major issue that contradicts scripture is that I saw people putting themselves and others on a pedestal. Who has the most followers on Facebook or Twitter. I saw elitism acted out. On the weekends preaching about loving and caring for each other, but these elite leaders kept to themselves and those they deemed worthy of their attention. I saw someone preach about giving away and not hoarding up treasures on earth while wearing $200 jeans on a pulpit. I saw ipads and iphones and mania over the latest gadget. Not to say those are wrong to own, or that God doesn't want us to be blessed. It is not my place to determine those things. But for me? For the life I am called to in Christ? It doesn't gel well. When Jesus called His first disciples to Himself he did not say to hoard up stuff. No, he said:
As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.
Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.
Matthew 4:18-22
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
Matthew 6:20
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Luke 18:22
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” So they set out and went from village to village, proclaiming the good news and healing people everywhere.
Luke 9:1-6
In NONE of these verses does it say we need to have more in order to follow God. It just says to follow Him. Someone who reads this is going to bristle because it doesn't fit into our way of living here in America. Someone is going to think I am completely radical and not understanding of the fact that God does not call us to be homeless or poor. Okay. Okay. I can understand that standpoint, and I do agree on some level. God wants to bless His people. God wants to give us what we need in order to live on this earth.
GIVE US WHAT WE NEED.
Do we need iphones?
Do I need a car?
Do I need a laptop?
Do I need new clothes?
Those are luxuries that most of the world cannot afford. We live in a spoiled nation. We do. And I have seen poverty. REAL poverty. I have seen children and babies and women and men laying in buildings deemed as hospitals in another country where there is no X-Ray machine or prescriptions or even proper medical equipment. I have seen poverty. I have been well off (not rich but growing up we were spoiled- my brother and I) and I have been so poor I could not afford toilet paper. I have had many days where I have wondered where my meals would come from. I have been without medical insurance. I have also been blessed beyond measure. A used car from my first home church in 2005. Second hand laptops. Medication. Trips. I live in the favor of the Lord and he provides my every legitimate need and then some.
So going into a fancy church building with air conditioning and people in their expensive, trendy clothes with their fancy props does not show me Jesus quite like the homeless woman whose toothless mouth pops open in a slow smile when handing her a bag of fast food or the young child who runs around on the lawn singing her heart out to a God she loves.
I've kind of went off on a tangent here. ;)
Back to what I was saying. I have an open spirit. Because of that I am convicted of the fact that some of this time that I was worshiping and crying out to God, perhaps I was also inviting in whatever bogus junk was being splayed in the atmosphere around me. I have invited unclean spirits to work in my life. I'm not certain which ones but I know that something is tweaking in my spiritual life and I will not stop praying and rebuking until Jesus tells me it is done. For example, I visited a church here in my new hometown. I've visited 3 actually. 2 of the churches are nice. Welcoming people, etc. This 3rd one I visited immediately drew me in. There was prayer beforehand so I mosied into the sanctuary and just soaked it all in. There was a cd playing somewhere, a woman singing about the love of Jesus. Then the service started and I got caught up in worship. Seriously it is one of my most favorite things on the planet to worship God in song. Then I started to get palpitations. Yes, palpitations happen frequently with Fibro and anxiety and mitral valve prolapse. So I never stop and associate it with what it going on spiritually. That has got to be one of the major things I am praying on right now! How my illnesses are connected to the spiritual... so anyway, they were very severe and did not go away. The pastor started preaching and he was screeching and people were shouting out their "Amens" and "Hallelujahs!" Someone started speaking in tongues while the pastor was preaching and he paused and then afterward just kept going.
I Corinthians 14:27-28, "If anyone speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, each taking his turn; and let one person interpret. But if there be no interpreter, let the those persons keep silence in the church and speak to themselves and to God".
I Corinthians 14:18-19, "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than you all: Yet IN THE CHURCH I had rather speak five words with my UNDERSTANDING, that by my voice I might teach OTHERS also, than ten thousand MEANINGLESS words in an unknown tongue".
I Corinthians 14:23, "If therefore the whole church came together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there came in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, won't they say that you are mad?"
I Corinthians 14:39-40, "Wherefore, brethren, covet to prophesy, and forbid not to speak with tongues. Let all things be done decently and in order".
I once attended a "required" class (really?! Even that is bogus. God didn't say in scripture to attend 5 classes and you are suddenly ready to follow Him and lead. No, He said to follow Him. That's it. Simple.) and at the end we were called up front if we wanted the "baptism of the Holy Spirit." At that time it was explained that this was different from salvation because it would "activate" our spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues. Someone prayed over me and I didn't feel anything different. She started to pressure me to say something. Anything. It was hugely uncomfortable. After that night I would pray and I started to try this tongues thing out. I started babbling and honestly wondered if I was speaking in tongues. It didn't feel like it. I felt like I was just strumming words together.
I believe in this gift. I believe it is relevant today. I also believe that not everyone has this spiritual gift, just as not everyone has prophetic or teaching or pastoral gifts. We each have our own and when it is force fed into a congregation that they have all of this inside of themselves and need only to unlock it, well that just fully discredits God now doesn't it? He doesn't need me to "unlock" my gifts. He does that on His own. It also puts a lot on us and takes the reliance off of God.
So, I'm sitting in that church and I'm into it. Sort of. My emotions are stirred, that is for sure. I feel a response within, which I have attributed to the Holy Spirit all of these times. I even stayed an extra 2 hours after the service because worship and prayer was flowing. I had a woman come sit next to me asking if she could pray for me. I agreed. I love prayer. But it felt forced. And she was speaking so emphatically that she was blowing my hair all over my face and she didn't pray anything specific. She just kept saying the same thing over and over... and it did not pertain to me one iota.
So I came home and started praying and studying online. I felt drawn in but also a fear was creeping in. Which was of God and which part was the devil roaring around trying to get me to doubt the miracles? To doubt God? For this I had to look back on the character of Jesus. He does not bring fear, He brings peace. He does not bring doubt, He brings assurance. There is NO confusion with God. Confusion is from the enemy. The fact that I feel a literal fear to walk back into that church means something. It also means something that a part of me is drawn in.
This leads me to question what unclean spirits I have been coasting along with. Obviously a believer cannot be possessed, but we can be oppressed and those little demons will ride on our backs for as long as we will let them.
I have been praying earnestly for the reality to be revealed. The other night I was bare bones with God. I decided to abstain from listening to worship on my ipod for a few days and to not take in anything spiritually related, except for prayer and the Bible. It was over dishing out leftover Chinese food in the kitchen that I felt God's presence. I adore how He comes in at the most unexpected places! Anyway, He told me to read Matthew 16:6:
“Be careful,” Jesus said to them. “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Whew.
The very next morning I opened my Bible and the first words I saw were Mark 12:38-40
As he taught, Jesus said, “Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted with respect in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. These men will be punished most severely.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer I do not know what is!
Last night I turned on the tube and a show called The Outer Limits was on. Here is a synopsis of the episode:
"Ezra is a traveling faith healer. Ezra notices a young follower with a lot of potential and he trains this prodigy to be a minister. Soon, the student is performing miracles that cannot be explained or accounted for. Ezra feels threatened, he must find out what is going on - is it the hand of God or something else? After sneaking a closer look at the Bible that his understudy seemingly draws his power from, Ezra notices strange electronic circuitry and realizes that God isn't involved in this man's powers. After being framed for the murder of the town's Sheriff, Ezra finds out that the new minister is actually an Alien with malicious intentions. Ezra cannot convince his daughter of the facts and appears to be a nutcase, so in a last-ditch effort to redeem himself - Ezra attacks the young preacher with a pistol unsuccessfully (he heals himself) and is mortally shot by the police. As Ezra lies dying, he manages to squeeze off one last round right through the bible. The bible short circuits and the alien is killed/vaporized."
NOT A COINCIDENCE.
This faith healer was a fake. He had people in the audience that he specifically "healed" but it was all for show. He got jealous and greedy when the alien started using his powers to heal people.
It sounds nutty, but roll with me here.
This leads me to wonder about all of the "manifestations" people claim is God. God is not violent, so why do manifestations include jerking and shaking? Why have I myself been in worship and felt a part of my body twitch or respond? That seems to oppose the character of God very strongly.
I have rolled around on the floor crying and laughing with joy uncontrollable. I have felt the fire of God upon a a group of people, upon myself. I have been slain in the spirit. That felt like the Holy Spirit. Peace, light, pure.
But what about when it is not peaceful? What about when it feels wrong?
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
1 John 4:1
but test them all; hold on to what is good
1 Thessalonians 5:21
Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
Matthew 24:5-8
Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.
Don’t you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
I am far from legalistic. I don't think it's about rules and regulations, but I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't just about the party either.
I still haven't determined which church will be called home.
I am still full of questions that I am taking up in prayer.
Lately Abba has brought friendships back into my life. I've had the ones that have sustained these last 2 years of sickness crazy, but in my isolation many have been weeded away. I feel a new season coming into vision. One where I interact more with people in my life who I have not connected with in awhile. My friend actually came to visit this past weekend and in talking with her God showed me some things that I have been neglecting. Simple things that I kind of stopped doing along the way. Outward signs of my devotion to Him. I feel intensely grateful that He loves me so much that he enabled her to come here and remind me of who I am in Him. She doesn't know it, but our conversation and praying together, and just being with someone I love and trust so much in the Lord, is really pivotal in a way I cannot fully convey.
Another friend is going through a divorce and God has afforded me the opportunity to connect and share and communicate. It is encouraging to have people in my sphere who are genuine and who know me. People who I am invested in and who are invested in me. That is another thing that lacked at the church I last called home. The "friendships" I made there were contingent on my attendance. Once I stepped down from leadership I became invisible. That says to me that the relationships were not genuine. They were for show. Hefty prayers and lovey-dovey declarations that fall to nothing after you get sick or go through hardship. I have 1 actual friend from my time there. 1 out of thousands. 1.
Wow.
Another thing is that there was so much emphasis on healing and on "giving it to Jesus" that you are made to feel guilty if you aren't healed. The attitude is that you must be in some sin or you don't have enough faith if you aren't healed straight away. I once brought a teenager to the front who needed prayer for anxiety attacks. He was prayed over, accepted Christ, and then immediately brushed aside. As if his very real health problems would just be fixed. Easy peasy. I could see the discouragement on his face. He came to get counsel. He came to get prayer. Instead, an arrogant leader basically told him to eff off.
That is NOT Jesus. That is NOT Biblical.
I have been sick for the last 2 years and for a long part of that I felt so guilty. A part of that is Fibromyalgia and the other part is that it was so ingrained in me that if I was sick I didn't have enough faith. I reached out several times and not one response. Now, I'm not one who needs to be babied. I don't feel that it is anyone's responsibility to help me or fix me or be there for me at the drop of a dime. No. But I do expect that if you pastor at a church, or declare yourself a leader, that that means you are a part of shepherding a brethren. That means IT IS your responsibility when your people come to you and ask for help, for prayer. It was stated so many times that we are to pray for the people in our sphere of influence. Well, duh. We should be prayer warriors! BUT, to be told that leadership is not responsible for that is absolute bananas. I call bs. Being on the top tier of some fancy church chain does not validate that you get to ignore the needs of your congregation while you feast on expensive dinners (as observed) and stick to your clique of "upper class" friends in the church body. That is completely false. I personally want to say sorry to you if you ever visited that church (I will not write names but if you were affected there I am sorry) and received a snooty attitude such as that. It is wrong and does not exemplify the Jesus I know.
I am thankful to know Jesus. I am so thankful that He has given me His word as a guide, and that He has given me friendships that are in Him and Him alone. I am grateful that He took me from the dark places I have sought out and found comfort in. I am amazed that He is still teaching me. ;)
I am madly, head over heels in love with God, and I am excited to discover everything He is showing me right now.
More, more, more!
Because I am a Christian. Because that doesn't mean I have it all together.. Because grace and knowing my Savior is the only reason I don't give in when I feel like I just can't endure it for one second more or when the enemy is taunting me with lies tied up in the past. Jesus. That's why I won't hide the truth and the ugliness that goes on with illness. It's real and saying cool lingo like "I'm not going to partner with it" doesn't make it disappear. I am a real woman with real sin. I have hurts. I am not immune to acting out in my flesh.
As a believer we tend to hold ourselves a certain way. We ought to be the realest people out there, but there is a stigma against being completely real, especially about the ugly bits. We put on smiles, and say we are fine to those that ask us. We serve, we lead at youth groups, we go to Christian events. We "forget" that it is by grace and grace alone that we are redeemed.
We are allowed to be open. We are allowed to be vulnerable. We are allowed to admit we are broken at times. When we stop admitting our sins and failures, then we stop knowing that it is by the blood of Jesus that we are saved. Because it becomes about preserving the Christian reputation. We allow ourselves to feel guilty when we need help. We feel we must keep it all together or we will not be as spiritual as the others.
No, my friends, no. What makes us spiritual is being able to be honest with ourselves and with others when we struggle. Our addictions, our fears, our emotions. When we start putting on the facade, when we start living in that space that says we must have it together because we are representatives of Christ, that is when we fail to accurately reveal who our Savior really is. If we had it all together then we wouldn't need Jesus.
Today:
I've been praying a ton about church and what it says in the book of Acts is not what church in America has become today. I am grateful to have the freedom we do here to worship God. We can read our Bibles at Starbucks and we can find a myriad of churches on every corner. We can find one to tailor fit our needs with just the right ministries and the right music and the right pastor. But the problem I see in all of that is it becomes all about "me, me, me." It becomes about how I can be fed, how much I like the music, how much I get from it. That is not Biblical to me.
I realize this is going to sting some people. Good. I want it to. I want to challenge you. I want to be challenged. Is there truth to what I am saying?
We are called to spread the gospel We are called to love people. We are called to serve God no matter what we are doing- whether it is working at McDonald's or babysitting or mowing lawns or even cleaning toilets. We are called to be representatives of Christ regardless of which church you call home or what awesome ministry we are serving at.
Ministry is great. I have been privileged to help lead in some awesome places. It was fun and it was a blessing. I learned a lot and I met wonderful brothers and sisters who have become lifelong friends. What I am saying is that we don't need a church to do those things.
We need the word of God. We need an active prayer life. We need solitude with our Creator. We need to worship in song. We need to serve others. We need to live for the Kingdom. We need to give away of ourselves. We need to love people. We need to go to the nations. We need fellowship that is authentic and challenging.
That's it.
I love church. I believe in attending church. I love hearing the word of God spoken out to a congregation. I love worshiping with a room full of other believers and hearing the sweet, sweet sound. Those are beautiful things. However, in my search for a new home church I have started to notice some things.
Things I never would have found to be an issue before.
While it is great to equip believers with materials and teachings to promote spiritual growth, church is not supposed to be about us. Church is supposed to be about Jesus. Church is supposed to be sharing the gospel. I find it disheartening that money is being spent on bulletins and coffee mugs and pens and items that have nothing to do with people being saved. I find it an issue that materials and books and cds and whatnot are sold for a profit in a church. Any church. Bibles should be handed out. I am not blasting having books and cds and materials. I have those. I am blasting that in a church where we proclaim that knowing Jesus is free and that the gospel is for people, why are they charged to further their relationship with God? When Jesus walked the earth He didn't need a hot new hardcover bestseller or the latest in contemporary worship to reach people. He shared THE TRUTH. He shared scripture. Equipping someone with a Bible is a lifetime investment. Seriously. Did we forget how angry Jesus got when people were profiting at church?
“ And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all of them who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,
And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.
”
— Matthew 21:12-13
When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”
John 2:13-16
Okay, we're obviously not selling cattle today but we're selling cds and materials and not understanding that it is the VERY SAME THING that pissed Jesus off back than.
I've been doing a ton of research about certain churches and things that I took at face value before. My spirit is very open, which is a great thing, but it can also be a hindrance. I am looking back on the last few years and realizing that a lot of the stuff I just accepted without contrasting it to the scriptures.
The church I first came to know the Lord at was a very wonderful place for a baby believer. The doctrine is sound, the connections made forged deep bonds, and there was authentic community. Today, as I reflect on all of this I feel quite lucky to have been grounded in a right place. Because of what God did through that first home church, I am able to look at the last few years and take off the rose colored glasses.
I started attending a more charismatic church in 2006, and straddled both my previous church and that one for about a year. I knew I was being called to this new church but I was so hesitant to step out and do it. Finally in 2007 I started attending the charismatic church. God did some amazing things in my life during my time there. He opened up my prayer life to a place I never knew existed, showed me how to worship in freedom, brought me to the Philippines, and healed some majorly hurt places in my heart.
I recognize that and I am so appreciative that He allowed me to step that way and discover more of who He is during that time. I fell in absolute love with Jesus in a way I never had before. At the time I attributed that to the church. Completely. I was caught up in all of the amazing things, the "move" of God over that place. I attended core classes, started bringing the kids I cared for, started serving at the junior high ministry, attended conferences galore, etc. I was all about it.
Now, this may sound nuts, but I feel, after being away for some time, as if the blinders are coming off. In 2008, while serving, there were some things that pin pricked at my soul but I ignored them. Little inconsistencies in some of the leadership, etc. I won't bust it all out because I still respect that church and the Pastor. I am aware that all churches will have flaws. We're all human and we all sin. With that said, I found myself changing and it felt all good. Blissful. I was anointed, and full of His spirit... I was getting healed up and being used for His kingdom. Sense a little sarcasm here? Those things are true, but what is also true is that I was becoming arrogant in a subtle way. I was becoming super fanatical and not in a Godly way.
In 2009 I went on the above mentioned trip to the Philippines. It was there that I began to learn even more about the church I held in such high esteem. I was shocked. When I returned to the states I started to observe more closely. I attended corporate prayer like I did every week and I watched. I listened. I began to see that while not all of the hearts were insincere, that there was indeed, an insincerity amongst the main leadership. Not all of them. I don't want to slander. I want to be factual. Still, I maintained loyalty to my church. I did stop attending a prophetic class and corporate prayer, and I stepped down from serving the youth. I was already sick at the time and it made sense to step back at the time. Once I stepped down, I literally became a nobody. I no longer fit in. "Friends" stopped saying hi to me in the halls, no one invited me to hang out, and I sort of faded into the backdrop.
For over a year I still attended this church. I watched as the rythym began to change and it started to become about money. They are building a massive campus and so it just got showier and showier. Before that announcement, we'd already launched a sister campus in another town. There were podcasts online, more products sold. The feeling over the place started to change. Since I've been especially ill the last 2 years I was attending as much as I could on the weekends and watching online when I couldn't make it. But something had changed.
I felt like it must be me. I was the one who was sick. I was the one who couldn't attend every function. I must be the ungodly one. I must have been doing something wrong to not warrant the fellowship I thought I had. I wrestled with guilt for a long time, and even after moving cross country, I pondered as to whether the enemy was telling me lies in order to sway me. Obviously we know 1 Peter 5:8: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I get that and so I wondered if I was being devoured slowly.
I believe in healing, I have been healed from cervical cancer growth and from lumbar osteoarthritis. I believe in miracles. I believe in spiritual gifts. I believe and know that God is able and can do all things, whatever He wants to do. I believe and because I believe I have to be accountable to what He says in His word.
However, and I say this with some hesitation, I have recently begun to pray for clarity over everything I have opened myself up to these last years. There came a point where I felt like I was commanding God to do something "in His name" versus calling out to Him entirely and I started to realize that in casting out these things in brothers and sisters we sure are giving the devil major credit. Thankfully in God's infinite grace and mercy, He still grew me during my times of self-obsession. I wouldn't even classify it as that, but for lack of better words, that is what it feels that I am coming out from.
The thing is that it was so darn subtle, and I was being a "good" Christian so it was easy to miss in myself. I was caught up in spiritual hype and in "working for the Kingdom." Again, I believe in advancing the gospel. I believe in serving. I believe in attending a healthy, Bible grounded church. I believe in fellowship. I believe, I believe, I believe. I also believe 2 Corinthians 13:5: "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
I do not know that all of what I experienced was inherently "bad." I do know that when something feels off in your spirit it means we should pray on it and seek wisdom and TRUTH over what feels pretty.
Lots of things feel good and sound good. It is a cinch to start to compromise even while doing good things.
One major issue that contradicts scripture is that I saw people putting themselves and others on a pedestal. Who has the most followers on Facebook or Twitter. I saw elitism acted out. On the weekends preaching about loving and caring for each other, but these elite leaders kept to themselves and those they deemed worthy of their attention. I saw someone preach about giving away and not hoarding up treasures on earth while wearing $200 jeans on a pulpit. I saw ipads and iphones and mania over the latest gadget. Not to say those are wrong to own, or that God doesn't want us to be blessed. It is not my place to determine those things. But for me? For the life I am called to in Christ? It doesn't gel well. When Jesus called His first disciples to Himself he did not say to hoard up stuff. No, he said:
As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.
Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.
Matthew 4:18-22
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
Matthew 6:20
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Luke 18:22
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: “Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” So they set out and went from village to village, proclaiming the good news and healing people everywhere.
Luke 9:1-6
In NONE of these verses does it say we need to have more in order to follow God. It just says to follow Him. Someone who reads this is going to bristle because it doesn't fit into our way of living here in America. Someone is going to think I am completely radical and not understanding of the fact that God does not call us to be homeless or poor. Okay. Okay. I can understand that standpoint, and I do agree on some level. God wants to bless His people. God wants to give us what we need in order to live on this earth.
GIVE US WHAT WE NEED.
Do we need iphones?
Do I need a car?
Do I need a laptop?
Do I need new clothes?
Those are luxuries that most of the world cannot afford. We live in a spoiled nation. We do. And I have seen poverty. REAL poverty. I have seen children and babies and women and men laying in buildings deemed as hospitals in another country where there is no X-Ray machine or prescriptions or even proper medical equipment. I have seen poverty. I have been well off (not rich but growing up we were spoiled- my brother and I) and I have been so poor I could not afford toilet paper. I have had many days where I have wondered where my meals would come from. I have been without medical insurance. I have also been blessed beyond measure. A used car from my first home church in 2005. Second hand laptops. Medication. Trips. I live in the favor of the Lord and he provides my every legitimate need and then some.
So going into a fancy church building with air conditioning and people in their expensive, trendy clothes with their fancy props does not show me Jesus quite like the homeless woman whose toothless mouth pops open in a slow smile when handing her a bag of fast food or the young child who runs around on the lawn singing her heart out to a God she loves.
I've kind of went off on a tangent here. ;)
Back to what I was saying. I have an open spirit. Because of that I am convicted of the fact that some of this time that I was worshiping and crying out to God, perhaps I was also inviting in whatever bogus junk was being splayed in the atmosphere around me. I have invited unclean spirits to work in my life. I'm not certain which ones but I know that something is tweaking in my spiritual life and I will not stop praying and rebuking until Jesus tells me it is done. For example, I visited a church here in my new hometown. I've visited 3 actually. 2 of the churches are nice. Welcoming people, etc. This 3rd one I visited immediately drew me in. There was prayer beforehand so I mosied into the sanctuary and just soaked it all in. There was a cd playing somewhere, a woman singing about the love of Jesus. Then the service started and I got caught up in worship. Seriously it is one of my most favorite things on the planet to worship God in song. Then I started to get palpitations. Yes, palpitations happen frequently with Fibro and anxiety and mitral valve prolapse. So I never stop and associate it with what it going on spiritually. That has got to be one of the major things I am praying on right now! How my illnesses are connected to the spiritual... so anyway, they were very severe and did not go away. The pastor started preaching and he was screeching and people were shouting out their "Amens" and "Hallelujahs!" Someone started speaking in tongues while the pastor was preaching and he paused and then afterward just kept going.
I Corinthians 14:27-28, "If anyone speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, each taking his turn; and let one person interpret. But if there be no interpreter, let the those persons keep silence in the church and speak to themselves and to God".
I Corinthians 14:18-19, "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than you all: Yet IN THE CHURCH I had rather speak five words with my UNDERSTANDING, that by my voice I might teach OTHERS also, than ten thousand MEANINGLESS words in an unknown tongue".
I Corinthians 14:23, "If therefore the whole church came together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there came in those that are unlearned, or unbelievers, won't they say that you are mad?"
I Corinthians 14:39-40, "Wherefore, brethren, covet to prophesy, and forbid not to speak with tongues. Let all things be done decently and in order".
I once attended a "required" class (really?! Even that is bogus. God didn't say in scripture to attend 5 classes and you are suddenly ready to follow Him and lead. No, He said to follow Him. That's it. Simple.) and at the end we were called up front if we wanted the "baptism of the Holy Spirit." At that time it was explained that this was different from salvation because it would "activate" our spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues. Someone prayed over me and I didn't feel anything different. She started to pressure me to say something. Anything. It was hugely uncomfortable. After that night I would pray and I started to try this tongues thing out. I started babbling and honestly wondered if I was speaking in tongues. It didn't feel like it. I felt like I was just strumming words together.
I believe in this gift. I believe it is relevant today. I also believe that not everyone has this spiritual gift, just as not everyone has prophetic or teaching or pastoral gifts. We each have our own and when it is force fed into a congregation that they have all of this inside of themselves and need only to unlock it, well that just fully discredits God now doesn't it? He doesn't need me to "unlock" my gifts. He does that on His own. It also puts a lot on us and takes the reliance off of God.
So, I'm sitting in that church and I'm into it. Sort of. My emotions are stirred, that is for sure. I feel a response within, which I have attributed to the Holy Spirit all of these times. I even stayed an extra 2 hours after the service because worship and prayer was flowing. I had a woman come sit next to me asking if she could pray for me. I agreed. I love prayer. But it felt forced. And she was speaking so emphatically that she was blowing my hair all over my face and she didn't pray anything specific. She just kept saying the same thing over and over... and it did not pertain to me one iota.
So I came home and started praying and studying online. I felt drawn in but also a fear was creeping in. Which was of God and which part was the devil roaring around trying to get me to doubt the miracles? To doubt God? For this I had to look back on the character of Jesus. He does not bring fear, He brings peace. He does not bring doubt, He brings assurance. There is NO confusion with God. Confusion is from the enemy. The fact that I feel a literal fear to walk back into that church means something. It also means something that a part of me is drawn in.
This leads me to question what unclean spirits I have been coasting along with. Obviously a believer cannot be possessed, but we can be oppressed and those little demons will ride on our backs for as long as we will let them.
I have been praying earnestly for the reality to be revealed. The other night I was bare bones with God. I decided to abstain from listening to worship on my ipod for a few days and to not take in anything spiritually related, except for prayer and the Bible. It was over dishing out leftover Chinese food in the kitchen that I felt God's presence. I adore how He comes in at the most unexpected places! Anyway, He told me to read Matthew 16:6:
“Be careful,” Jesus said to them. “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Whew.
The very next morning I opened my Bible and the first words I saw were Mark 12:38-40
As he taught, Jesus said, “Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted with respect in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. These men will be punished most severely.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer I do not know what is!
Last night I turned on the tube and a show called The Outer Limits was on. Here is a synopsis of the episode:
"Ezra is a traveling faith healer. Ezra notices a young follower with a lot of potential and he trains this prodigy to be a minister. Soon, the student is performing miracles that cannot be explained or accounted for. Ezra feels threatened, he must find out what is going on - is it the hand of God or something else? After sneaking a closer look at the Bible that his understudy seemingly draws his power from, Ezra notices strange electronic circuitry and realizes that God isn't involved in this man's powers. After being framed for the murder of the town's Sheriff, Ezra finds out that the new minister is actually an Alien with malicious intentions. Ezra cannot convince his daughter of the facts and appears to be a nutcase, so in a last-ditch effort to redeem himself - Ezra attacks the young preacher with a pistol unsuccessfully (he heals himself) and is mortally shot by the police. As Ezra lies dying, he manages to squeeze off one last round right through the bible. The bible short circuits and the alien is killed/vaporized."
NOT A COINCIDENCE.
This faith healer was a fake. He had people in the audience that he specifically "healed" but it was all for show. He got jealous and greedy when the alien started using his powers to heal people.
It sounds nutty, but roll with me here.
This leads me to wonder about all of the "manifestations" people claim is God. God is not violent, so why do manifestations include jerking and shaking? Why have I myself been in worship and felt a part of my body twitch or respond? That seems to oppose the character of God very strongly.
I have rolled around on the floor crying and laughing with joy uncontrollable. I have felt the fire of God upon a a group of people, upon myself. I have been slain in the spirit. That felt like the Holy Spirit. Peace, light, pure.
But what about when it is not peaceful? What about when it feels wrong?
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
1 John 4:1
but test them all; hold on to what is good
1 Thessalonians 5:21
Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
Matthew 24:5-8
Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.
Don’t you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
I am far from legalistic. I don't think it's about rules and regulations, but I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't just about the party either.
I still haven't determined which church will be called home.
I am still full of questions that I am taking up in prayer.
Lately Abba has brought friendships back into my life. I've had the ones that have sustained these last 2 years of sickness crazy, but in my isolation many have been weeded away. I feel a new season coming into vision. One where I interact more with people in my life who I have not connected with in awhile. My friend actually came to visit this past weekend and in talking with her God showed me some things that I have been neglecting. Simple things that I kind of stopped doing along the way. Outward signs of my devotion to Him. I feel intensely grateful that He loves me so much that he enabled her to come here and remind me of who I am in Him. She doesn't know it, but our conversation and praying together, and just being with someone I love and trust so much in the Lord, is really pivotal in a way I cannot fully convey.
Another friend is going through a divorce and God has afforded me the opportunity to connect and share and communicate. It is encouraging to have people in my sphere who are genuine and who know me. People who I am invested in and who are invested in me. That is another thing that lacked at the church I last called home. The "friendships" I made there were contingent on my attendance. Once I stepped down from leadership I became invisible. That says to me that the relationships were not genuine. They were for show. Hefty prayers and lovey-dovey declarations that fall to nothing after you get sick or go through hardship. I have 1 actual friend from my time there. 1 out of thousands. 1.
Wow.
Another thing is that there was so much emphasis on healing and on "giving it to Jesus" that you are made to feel guilty if you aren't healed. The attitude is that you must be in some sin or you don't have enough faith if you aren't healed straight away. I once brought a teenager to the front who needed prayer for anxiety attacks. He was prayed over, accepted Christ, and then immediately brushed aside. As if his very real health problems would just be fixed. Easy peasy. I could see the discouragement on his face. He came to get counsel. He came to get prayer. Instead, an arrogant leader basically told him to eff off.
That is NOT Jesus. That is NOT Biblical.
I have been sick for the last 2 years and for a long part of that I felt so guilty. A part of that is Fibromyalgia and the other part is that it was so ingrained in me that if I was sick I didn't have enough faith. I reached out several times and not one response. Now, I'm not one who needs to be babied. I don't feel that it is anyone's responsibility to help me or fix me or be there for me at the drop of a dime. No. But I do expect that if you pastor at a church, or declare yourself a leader, that that means you are a part of shepherding a brethren. That means IT IS your responsibility when your people come to you and ask for help, for prayer. It was stated so many times that we are to pray for the people in our sphere of influence. Well, duh. We should be prayer warriors! BUT, to be told that leadership is not responsible for that is absolute bananas. I call bs. Being on the top tier of some fancy church chain does not validate that you get to ignore the needs of your congregation while you feast on expensive dinners (as observed) and stick to your clique of "upper class" friends in the church body. That is completely false. I personally want to say sorry to you if you ever visited that church (I will not write names but if you were affected there I am sorry) and received a snooty attitude such as that. It is wrong and does not exemplify the Jesus I know.
I am thankful to know Jesus. I am so thankful that He has given me His word as a guide, and that He has given me friendships that are in Him and Him alone. I am grateful that He took me from the dark places I have sought out and found comfort in. I am amazed that He is still teaching me. ;)
I am madly, head over heels in love with God, and I am excited to discover everything He is showing me right now.
More, more, more!
Friday, November 4, 2011
November Already?
Time sure goes by fast. We always muse on that, but do we really get it?
TIME SURE GOES BY FAST.
It was just last Christmas. I remember the back to back infections I went through this time last year. It seemed like it would never ever stop. One issue after another, getting injections every week or two that were supposed to help, but what only made a bad situation worse.
There was so much stumbling around in the dark. So many tears, so much agony over a defeated body and a broken spirit. I was very sad. I was unsure of everything and I only knew pain and fatigue. That was it. It clouded my vision and left a substantial amount of damage to my soul.
Now I still know pain and fatigue. I still know anger and grief and heartache and frustration, but now I also feel the flip side of all of those things. I have more good days then bad most of the time, I have conserved, precious energy that I get to dispense each day, I have relief from constant, recycled stress. I know Jesus and I am in the best love relationship with Him, I have amazing people in my life. I have words, and colors, and sounds. I have rain splashing on the windshield as I drive to get a salted caramel hot chocolate. I have a heart for worship and a song bursting forth as I muse on the favor of Abba in this life.
I am a child of the high King and I am so grateful for that.
My life has changed dramatically from a couple of years ago. My life has changed dramatically from a year ago. But my life IS changed. My life IS changing.
It never stays the same. Instead, it continues on... growing, enduring, opening, sustaining.
Life is good, even when it doesn't feel all that great. ;)
TIME SURE GOES BY FAST.
It was just last Christmas. I remember the back to back infections I went through this time last year. It seemed like it would never ever stop. One issue after another, getting injections every week or two that were supposed to help, but what only made a bad situation worse.
There was so much stumbling around in the dark. So many tears, so much agony over a defeated body and a broken spirit. I was very sad. I was unsure of everything and I only knew pain and fatigue. That was it. It clouded my vision and left a substantial amount of damage to my soul.
Now I still know pain and fatigue. I still know anger and grief and heartache and frustration, but now I also feel the flip side of all of those things. I have more good days then bad most of the time, I have conserved, precious energy that I get to dispense each day, I have relief from constant, recycled stress. I know Jesus and I am in the best love relationship with Him, I have amazing people in my life. I have words, and colors, and sounds. I have rain splashing on the windshield as I drive to get a salted caramel hot chocolate. I have a heart for worship and a song bursting forth as I muse on the favor of Abba in this life.
I am a child of the high King and I am so grateful for that.
My life has changed dramatically from a couple of years ago. My life has changed dramatically from a year ago. But my life IS changed. My life IS changing.
It never stays the same. Instead, it continues on... growing, enduring, opening, sustaining.
Life is good, even when it doesn't feel all that great. ;)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Quote
I saw this on my friend, Ferial's blog and I love it:
"We associate all the fun and excitement and neon coolness of life
with the world and leave God all the boring, discipline-flavored moments.
He's like eating broccoli.
We know it's good for us, but it's still broccoli.
But that can't be right.
GOD IS WILD.
He's constantly saying,
"Let's go find cliffs to jump off of,"
and,
"I know exactly what you need, because, guess what,
I put that need there."
He created my heart and the deepest desires I have,
and there's no yacht or nightclub on the planet that can
access those spots of me like God can.
And besides, he invented sex.
And not just "let's make a baby" sex--He invented
"whoa, the world just tilted on its axis; I can't believe
we get to do that and go to heaven too" sex.
Sometimes we act like we were the ones that discovered it was fun,
like maybe God was in heaven and was surprised to see how
enjoyable we were able to make it.
"Whoa, I created that for procreation purposes;
I had no idea it would be so awesome."
And so we give the world credit for sex
and think that God is only down with the functional version,
but the fun version, the wild version,
that's probably something Marvin Gaye came up with."
- "Telling testimonies that are exciting right up until the moment you became a Christian", Jon Acuff
"We associate all the fun and excitement and neon coolness of life
with the world and leave God all the boring, discipline-flavored moments.
He's like eating broccoli.
We know it's good for us, but it's still broccoli.
But that can't be right.
GOD IS WILD.
He's constantly saying,
"Let's go find cliffs to jump off of,"
and,
"I know exactly what you need, because, guess what,
I put that need there."
He created my heart and the deepest desires I have,
and there's no yacht or nightclub on the planet that can
access those spots of me like God can.
And besides, he invented sex.
And not just "let's make a baby" sex--He invented
"whoa, the world just tilted on its axis; I can't believe
we get to do that and go to heaven too" sex.
Sometimes we act like we were the ones that discovered it was fun,
like maybe God was in heaven and was surprised to see how
enjoyable we were able to make it.
"Whoa, I created that for procreation purposes;
I had no idea it would be so awesome."
And so we give the world credit for sex
and think that God is only down with the functional version,
but the fun version, the wild version,
that's probably something Marvin Gaye came up with."
- "Telling testimonies that are exciting right up until the moment you became a Christian", Jon Acuff
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