My mind is everywhere.
My primary nurse called and FINALLY gave me the results for the blood work done over a month ago. She told me that I am on my way to diabetes and that it's "not a big deal (sure lady cause it's not your body!) because diabetes is a road to New York and I am in Sacramento." Obviously she didn't mean literally, but come on. She will refer me to a nutritionist. I told her about the elevated blood pressure levels and she told me to keep a diary of them for a few weeks. Once CMSP kicks in again I will go see her (appointment in January) and we will "deal with it than." What every patient wants to hear. This morning I was told my 28 year old brother now has high blood pressure. Super. We are following both of our parents and a long list of family members on both sides. Groan.
The kidney infection is still present, but there is some relief. Honestly, a kidney infection is loads of pain, but this time it is small beans compared to fibro. It's almost like a vacation. SERIOUSLY. I can focus on this pain and not on the all consuming one. The trouble with this is that I am acting like my only setback is the kidney infection and that I will resume to normalcy after it is gone.
FAIL.
Current pain:
-Under right arm (hurts to raise up, etc.)
-IBS is intense today with mucous
-Recurrent hair irritation growth that produces a bump sometimes on my lower region filled with blood.
-Continued nausea
-Chest pains
-Last night beneath my right ankle it started to really hurt. REALLY. The floating bone and bad ankle is on my left, so this is new. It was fine this morning but after the movie it hurt worse then last night. Any pressure is unbearable.
-The rash on my chin is still there. Not bad at all, but there.
-Cramped legs (especially the right side).
-Cold hands, feet, and nose.
I also forgot to mention that it has started to HURT when my blood pressure is taken. The cuff is too tight for the fibro's liking. Also when they drew blood the tape around my arm left a bruise. It just gets better and better. ;)
I am finding a lot of blogs that make me feel less alone. I've been dealing a lot with anger. I can be fine and suddenly I erupt in a rage. It can be sounds, the way the jacket won't come off of the hanger. Yesterday I was fumbling around for my keys and could not find them in the black abyss that is a woman's purse. I started screaming and crying "why is everything so hard?"
I meant it.
I was feeling optimistic (still do) and to have the setbacks this week have definitely impacted my emotions. I am learning to stop feeling guilty for that. It is what it is. I have to go through this. A LOT of people are "stuffers." They pretend everything is always "fine" even if they feel horrendous inside. After years of living that way (until around 2005) I don't believe in that mess. BE HONEST.
I was watching the new flick "Tangled" today and there was a scene where Rapunzel finds a crown and as she holds it she feels like it belongs to her. I started to tear up. It made me think about how fibro has taken a lot from me (physically and mentally) and I have uttered the words "I feel like a prisoner!" on numerous occasions. As I thought of Rapunzel locked away in that place, yearning for life outside, I could commiserate with her plight. As she held up that crown I thought of my God who has a crown just for me. It is my place as a royal daughter of the King of Kings to live, to dance, to love. I don't have to be locked away. I can be free again and I can wear my crown. It's deep stuff.
Some cool things happened this week:
-I got the unexpected blessing of $50 for my prescriptions (since I have no coverage right now it"s out of pocket).
-Two of my dear friends surprised me with a check in the mail. It was much needed and such a lovely gift.
Monday, December 13, 2010
So much to say...
I was feeling slightly better with the doxycycline.
Then Wednesday came and I knew something was going on again.
I could tell the nausea was intense, but I attributed that to the antibiotics and to the fibro. I usually have nausea but this is a different kind. It holds fast throughout the entire body and lingers around the throat. I feel like vomiting all of the time. Intensely.
I don't vomit though.
It's a teaser.
So I also mentioned in a prior blog that I also got a yeast infection. I could not go in to get an exam due to the menses. We looked up home remedies for a yeast infection and I actually tried apple cider vinegar. It burned and all, but it helped at first. By Saturday the pain was severe, and I was also itching like mad CRAZY. It was swollen and red and just a miserable evening.
I know my body so well. I told someone that I knew i had a yeast infection but I was almost positive I had a UTI.
I went in today and I do have BOTH. In fact, I have the pleasure (insert sarcasm) of having a kidney infection again. Super.
So I was put on MORE antibiotics to fight the kidney infection and Fluconazole for the yeast infection.
The kidney infection antibiotics WILL cause another yeast infection and so she also gave me another Fluconazole to combat the yeast to come.
Is this truly my life now?
My blood pressure is still slightly elevated. That makes about 7 or 8 visits to various doctors where my blood pressure has been high.
I also went to the clinic and requested copies of the labs I had done in November. I am out of range for Hemoglobin A1C- which has something to so with diabetes. Since diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family it has me concerned.
I am so... drained.
Today was long, but yesterday was worse. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was crying, screaming, and not being rational at all. Not all day obviously, but during a discussion with someone about all of this. I'm freaking overwhelmed and I need to say so. I have moments every now and again like yesterday. Where the complete physical and mental breakdown of this vessel I inhabit comes out. I feel embarrassed to say so, but it's totally difficult. It seems every week I have a new part of me that falls apart. I was so in a rage that I tore up and threw out my bucket list, pictures that I had to motivate me towards my dreams, and special things I had written down pertaining to my life's goals and desires.
It's all up in the air.
I miss the Philippines, but will I have energy and health to ever go back?
I dream of living in Paris but will I be able to handle it?
And the list goes on and on...
I have a new life now. Learning how to live like this is a job. It's MY Job. I am discovering a new path.
The recent optimism, my desire to "come out of hiding" and be around people in a safe environment (not loud, not a party, not on someone else's turf but on mine where I can handle the lights, sounds, and area) is still alive. I have a fighter's spirit, but crying and processing is a huge part of emotional healing.
Meanwhile Mylie has been going through her own medical issues. A sinus infection, a yeast infection, strep throat, and now needs an inhaler for possible asthma. My poor precious.
I've been forgetting more frequently. I forget times, birthdays (unlike me), why I walked to the kitchen. I mess up when I spell and read out loud (for a writer and a book buff this is devastating).
BUT...
I am still alive.
I am living.
One day at a time. The process is absolutely grueling but I can do this. God is faithful. ALL the time He is good to me.
Things I am musing about:
-the antibiotics DID seem to aid in feeling better until the nausea blew into town.
-what's up with the continuous elevated blood pressure?
-what do the high glucose blood test results from may indicate? What about the current out of range Hemoglobin lab? Do I have diabetes or high blood pressure or both but the clinic is so janky that they don't pay attention (I think this is about 85% likely). I haven't even spoken with anyone regarding these labs FROM OVER A MONTH AGO!
-I tested positive then negative in the same week for an autoimmune disease back in May. I have been assuming it is due to fibro but fibro does not register in a blood test!
Also my inflammation rate has consistently rated high in labs and fibro would not affect that either.
I do not remember if I posted anything about a tiny, tiny mole I found behind my knee last week. It smeared blood and then got smaller. What is that about?
*Just got a phone call. The prescriptions I need are NOT covered by the establishment
I went to today so I have to pay $49 out of pocket.
I have no source of income. NONE.
It's my own fault for not remembering to reapply for CMSP.
FIBRO!
Also just noted that a new mole and a rash have appeared on my face.
What is happening????????????????????????
I was feeling slightly better with the doxycycline.
Then Wednesday came and I knew something was going on again.
I could tell the nausea was intense, but I attributed that to the antibiotics and to the fibro. I usually have nausea but this is a different kind. It holds fast throughout the entire body and lingers around the throat. I feel like vomiting all of the time. Intensely.
I don't vomit though.
It's a teaser.
So I also mentioned in a prior blog that I also got a yeast infection. I could not go in to get an exam due to the menses. We looked up home remedies for a yeast infection and I actually tried apple cider vinegar. It burned and all, but it helped at first. By Saturday the pain was severe, and I was also itching like mad CRAZY. It was swollen and red and just a miserable evening.
I know my body so well. I told someone that I knew i had a yeast infection but I was almost positive I had a UTI.
I went in today and I do have BOTH. In fact, I have the pleasure (insert sarcasm) of having a kidney infection again. Super.
So I was put on MORE antibiotics to fight the kidney infection and Fluconazole for the yeast infection.
The kidney infection antibiotics WILL cause another yeast infection and so she also gave me another Fluconazole to combat the yeast to come.
Is this truly my life now?
My blood pressure is still slightly elevated. That makes about 7 or 8 visits to various doctors where my blood pressure has been high.
I also went to the clinic and requested copies of the labs I had done in November. I am out of range for Hemoglobin A1C- which has something to so with diabetes. Since diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family it has me concerned.
I am so... drained.
Today was long, but yesterday was worse. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was crying, screaming, and not being rational at all. Not all day obviously, but during a discussion with someone about all of this. I'm freaking overwhelmed and I need to say so. I have moments every now and again like yesterday. Where the complete physical and mental breakdown of this vessel I inhabit comes out. I feel embarrassed to say so, but it's totally difficult. It seems every week I have a new part of me that falls apart. I was so in a rage that I tore up and threw out my bucket list, pictures that I had to motivate me towards my dreams, and special things I had written down pertaining to my life's goals and desires.
It's all up in the air.
I miss the Philippines, but will I have energy and health to ever go back?
I dream of living in Paris but will I be able to handle it?
And the list goes on and on...
I have a new life now. Learning how to live like this is a job. It's MY Job. I am discovering a new path.
The recent optimism, my desire to "come out of hiding" and be around people in a safe environment (not loud, not a party, not on someone else's turf but on mine where I can handle the lights, sounds, and area) is still alive. I have a fighter's spirit, but crying and processing is a huge part of emotional healing.
Meanwhile Mylie has been going through her own medical issues. A sinus infection, a yeast infection, strep throat, and now needs an inhaler for possible asthma. My poor precious.
I've been forgetting more frequently. I forget times, birthdays (unlike me), why I walked to the kitchen. I mess up when I spell and read out loud (for a writer and a book buff this is devastating).
BUT...
I am still alive.
I am living.
One day at a time. The process is absolutely grueling but I can do this. God is faithful. ALL the time He is good to me.
Things I am musing about:
-the antibiotics DID seem to aid in feeling better until the nausea blew into town.
-what's up with the continuous elevated blood pressure?
-what do the high glucose blood test results from may indicate? What about the current out of range Hemoglobin lab? Do I have diabetes or high blood pressure or both but the clinic is so janky that they don't pay attention (I think this is about 85% likely). I haven't even spoken with anyone regarding these labs FROM OVER A MONTH AGO!
-I tested positive then negative in the same week for an autoimmune disease back in May. I have been assuming it is due to fibro but fibro does not register in a blood test!
Also my inflammation rate has consistently rated high in labs and fibro would not affect that either.
I do not remember if I posted anything about a tiny, tiny mole I found behind my knee last week. It smeared blood and then got smaller. What is that about?
*Just got a phone call. The prescriptions I need are NOT covered by the establishment
I went to today so I have to pay $49 out of pocket.
I have no source of income. NONE.
It's my own fault for not remembering to reapply for CMSP.
FIBRO!
Also just noted that a new mole and a rash have appeared on my face.
What is happening????????????????????????
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I was going through journals today. I recall I had vertigo and chest pains and migraines in 2008 and 2009 but I didn't realize it was so severe until I read back on what I'd written. This is proof to me that Fibro was "camping out" in my body for a long time before it manifested into the monster it became. I believe I carried it my whole life and it was brought out so severely after I got sick in the Philippines. I was also an emotional wreck after I came home and that kind of trauma is a trigger for this condition.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
This one will be short.
I've been feeling slightly better in some ways and slightly bad in others.
Better:
-able to sit up and on the floor for awhile vs. not at all
-more sleep has enabled me to feel more clear in my thoughts
-able to do light cleaning last week (vacuuming, dishes, etc.) with minimal pain
Worse:
-hands, feet, and nose stay freezing for a really long time
-takes me longer to take a shower and do basic things
-I have given up on trying to blow dry my hair most days
-the antibiotics seem to have triggered a yeast infection (I am on my cycle so I am unable to be examined right now. HORRORS.)
-bloated beyond all belief
One thing that is really cool is that I am starting to come into acceptance. I truly have been going through the "stages of grief" (http://www.mdjunction.com/fibromyalgia/articles/chronic-illness-and-the-five-stages-of-grief) and I am finally feeling more like "a" self. I say "a" self vs. myself because I'm not that person anymore. I am learning that I don't have to be Ms. Organized. The bathroom cabinet does not need to be fixed and straightened when I can use my energy to read or write this blog, or even go sit outside. I am starting to feel whole again and not some "sick girl."
This morning when I opened my eyes the first line of the book I am writing came to mind. That is a HUGE deal.
This last year I have completely lost myself. I got sick, endured (and still am) numerous appointments (trust me- when your life becomes staying home and going to different doctors it gets pretty dismal)and ailments, lost friends, gained friends, established or reinforced boundaries, cried, laughed, screamed, yelled, wondered "why me," prayed, longed for the old life... etc.
I am hesitant always to get excited over physical improvements or mental breakthroughs. i have learned that one day may be great but the next is likely to be dark again.
I am not okay with that, but I accept it.
I am learning that people and circumstances that cause stress have to be monitored or eliminated. Not in cruelty, but in the effort to save the physical body from further pain or stress. Not easy to do but necessary.
I am learning that I still exist. Sounds funny but it's true. When I got sick I felt as though I was no longer living. Not dead obviously, but not truly alive either. It's hard to feel alive when you are in pain and tired all day, everyday.
It's a blurry way to walk through life.
I am learning that having a bad day physically or mentally is incredibly difficult, but it WILL change and another good day will arise. They are rare, but they still exist.
I am learning that I can do this.
It's hard and I feel afraid, but I can do this afraid (thanks Joyce Meyer for that inspiration).
From all of my research I am learning that I am still a person. I can help others who face this illness. I may not be able to talk on the phone anymore, my energy is depleted easily- way too easily- but I can make efforts to at least be present.
For a very long time I did not want to present. As I muse on the past year of this sickness it feels unbelievable. How oh how did I get through? Were all those ailments real? Yes,they were.
It's odd... Fibromyalgia. Moments of normalcy peek through, and it's easy to believe I am well. I used to trick myself every morning and try talk myself into feeling better. I would hope and hope and hope I would snap open my eyeballs and be Janet of old. I now know that's not a good idea. I am to be realistic about my limitations.
I'm still in the process, and sometimes I go backwards. I cry. I scream. I feel angry. There is a genuine loss that I have been facing.
But now I see glimpses of the other side.
Tears now as I write.
I have walked through some major things in my life. I believe fully that all of those experiences have given me a courage and a strength I would not possess otherwise. My God is a big God and He has ALWAYS equipped me with the weapons I need to defeat even the largest enemy. I admit that I have often times wanted to give up. Not die, not in a dramatic way, but honestly, some moments are incredibly hard and I haven't wanted to fight. I've been too tired. I wanted to lay down my sword and just give in.
BUT...
I won't. If I never got sick I would still be rushing around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I would still be DOING and BEING everyone and everything all the time. I would not be starting a book that I've wanted to write since I was a little girl. I would not have been forced to really SEE what is before me. It seems strange to have to go through something so unbearably ugly and desparaging to find the beauty shining in all the tiny, overlooked joys in life.
Life is a joy.
This breath I am inhaling and exhaling right this second reminds me that I AM ALIVE.
"I may have Fibromyalgia but it doesn't have me."
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
I've been feeling slightly better in some ways and slightly bad in others.
Better:
-able to sit up and on the floor for awhile vs. not at all
-more sleep has enabled me to feel more clear in my thoughts
-able to do light cleaning last week (vacuuming, dishes, etc.) with minimal pain
Worse:
-hands, feet, and nose stay freezing for a really long time
-takes me longer to take a shower and do basic things
-I have given up on trying to blow dry my hair most days
-the antibiotics seem to have triggered a yeast infection (I am on my cycle so I am unable to be examined right now. HORRORS.)
-bloated beyond all belief
One thing that is really cool is that I am starting to come into acceptance. I truly have been going through the "stages of grief" (http://www.mdjunction.com/fibromyalgia/articles/chronic-illness-and-the-five-stages-of-grief) and I am finally feeling more like "a" self. I say "a" self vs. myself because I'm not that person anymore. I am learning that I don't have to be Ms. Organized. The bathroom cabinet does not need to be fixed and straightened when I can use my energy to read or write this blog, or even go sit outside. I am starting to feel whole again and not some "sick girl."
This morning when I opened my eyes the first line of the book I am writing came to mind. That is a HUGE deal.
This last year I have completely lost myself. I got sick, endured (and still am) numerous appointments (trust me- when your life becomes staying home and going to different doctors it gets pretty dismal)and ailments, lost friends, gained friends, established or reinforced boundaries, cried, laughed, screamed, yelled, wondered "why me," prayed, longed for the old life... etc.
I am hesitant always to get excited over physical improvements or mental breakthroughs. i have learned that one day may be great but the next is likely to be dark again.
I am not okay with that, but I accept it.
I am learning that people and circumstances that cause stress have to be monitored or eliminated. Not in cruelty, but in the effort to save the physical body from further pain or stress. Not easy to do but necessary.
I am learning that I still exist. Sounds funny but it's true. When I got sick I felt as though I was no longer living. Not dead obviously, but not truly alive either. It's hard to feel alive when you are in pain and tired all day, everyday.
It's a blurry way to walk through life.
I am learning that having a bad day physically or mentally is incredibly difficult, but it WILL change and another good day will arise. They are rare, but they still exist.
I am learning that I can do this.
It's hard and I feel afraid, but I can do this afraid (thanks Joyce Meyer for that inspiration).
From all of my research I am learning that I am still a person. I can help others who face this illness. I may not be able to talk on the phone anymore, my energy is depleted easily- way too easily- but I can make efforts to at least be present.
For a very long time I did not want to present. As I muse on the past year of this sickness it feels unbelievable. How oh how did I get through? Were all those ailments real? Yes,they were.
It's odd... Fibromyalgia. Moments of normalcy peek through, and it's easy to believe I am well. I used to trick myself every morning and try talk myself into feeling better. I would hope and hope and hope I would snap open my eyeballs and be Janet of old. I now know that's not a good idea. I am to be realistic about my limitations.
I'm still in the process, and sometimes I go backwards. I cry. I scream. I feel angry. There is a genuine loss that I have been facing.
But now I see glimpses of the other side.
Tears now as I write.
I have walked through some major things in my life. I believe fully that all of those experiences have given me a courage and a strength I would not possess otherwise. My God is a big God and He has ALWAYS equipped me with the weapons I need to defeat even the largest enemy. I admit that I have often times wanted to give up. Not die, not in a dramatic way, but honestly, some moments are incredibly hard and I haven't wanted to fight. I've been too tired. I wanted to lay down my sword and just give in.
BUT...
I won't. If I never got sick I would still be rushing around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I would still be DOING and BEING everyone and everything all the time. I would not be starting a book that I've wanted to write since I was a little girl. I would not have been forced to really SEE what is before me. It seems strange to have to go through something so unbearably ugly and desparaging to find the beauty shining in all the tiny, overlooked joys in life.
Life is a joy.
This breath I am inhaling and exhaling right this second reminds me that I AM ALIVE.
"I may have Fibromyalgia but it doesn't have me."
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
On November 24th I went in to the dermatologist and he prescribed me Doxycycline 100mg 2x a day for a month to treat a staph infection.
It is now December 6th and I have noticed that somehow, someway Doxycycline has ALSO helped with my pain level.
I have a noticeable mobility that I haven't had in over a year. I have been able to sit on the floor for at least half an hour (sometimes less, sometimes more). The vaginal bleeding STOPPED the day I started the antibiotics.
I am still worn out and I still have pain. I still feel the Fibromyalgia, but the fact that other pain went away leads me to believe I must have had something else in my body.
My Aunties and my family told me maybe I brought something home from the Philippines last year. I got sick there and I accidentally swallowed some water in the shower. Tests when I came home in 2009 were negative.
BUT what if I did/do have some kind of bacteria that caused the dyshidrotic eczema, the staph infection, and many of the other symptoms that caused even fellow fibroids to look at me strangely? What is it is/was something that cannot be seen or that does not show up in blood tests (or if I was not tested for it because it seems odd)? The thing is that I tested POSITIVE for auntoimmune disease, but fibromyalgia does NOT show up on a blood test. I was diagnosed with fibro because the pain specialist checked my body for the tender points and also because I have all of the main symptoms.
So I DID test positive, then negative for autoimmune disease. That signifies that there is/was something else wrong. Since I have yet to see a rheumatologist that part has gone undiagnosed as of now.
Wow.
And Fibromyalgia is sometimes triggered by another illness.
Could I have had some kind of major bacteria in my body somehow?
Did the Doxycycline kill that bacteria as a fluke of being treated for the staph infection?
I am going to mention this to my doctors, and also continue to observe.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, because there becomes a pressure to be well. I feel that pressure every single day.
If you are reading this I need you to remember that for someone with fibromyalgia to say that I feel better doesn't mean I'm not feeling bad. I still do. It's not gone, but I do feel a bit of relief.
I am pretty excited at the possibility that Doxycycline... a simple antibiotic.... can maybe bring relief to those suffering from fibromyalgia.
Prayer request: reapplied for food stamps and CMSP (free medical care). Please pray with me for a speedy process. I did not get food stamps approved yet and so I went without that source of income this month.
Thank you!
It is now December 6th and I have noticed that somehow, someway Doxycycline has ALSO helped with my pain level.
I have a noticeable mobility that I haven't had in over a year. I have been able to sit on the floor for at least half an hour (sometimes less, sometimes more). The vaginal bleeding STOPPED the day I started the antibiotics.
I am still worn out and I still have pain. I still feel the Fibromyalgia, but the fact that other pain went away leads me to believe I must have had something else in my body.
My Aunties and my family told me maybe I brought something home from the Philippines last year. I got sick there and I accidentally swallowed some water in the shower. Tests when I came home in 2009 were negative.
BUT what if I did/do have some kind of bacteria that caused the dyshidrotic eczema, the staph infection, and many of the other symptoms that caused even fellow fibroids to look at me strangely? What is it is/was something that cannot be seen or that does not show up in blood tests (or if I was not tested for it because it seems odd)? The thing is that I tested POSITIVE for auntoimmune disease, but fibromyalgia does NOT show up on a blood test. I was diagnosed with fibro because the pain specialist checked my body for the tender points and also because I have all of the main symptoms.
So I DID test positive, then negative for autoimmune disease. That signifies that there is/was something else wrong. Since I have yet to see a rheumatologist that part has gone undiagnosed as of now.
Wow.
And Fibromyalgia is sometimes triggered by another illness.
Could I have had some kind of major bacteria in my body somehow?
Did the Doxycycline kill that bacteria as a fluke of being treated for the staph infection?
I am going to mention this to my doctors, and also continue to observe.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this, because there becomes a pressure to be well. I feel that pressure every single day.
If you are reading this I need you to remember that for someone with fibromyalgia to say that I feel better doesn't mean I'm not feeling bad. I still do. It's not gone, but I do feel a bit of relief.
I am pretty excited at the possibility that Doxycycline... a simple antibiotic.... can maybe bring relief to those suffering from fibromyalgia.
Prayer request: reapplied for food stamps and CMSP (free medical care). Please pray with me for a speedy process. I did not get food stamps approved yet and so I went without that source of income this month.
Thank you!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Praying about my life.
The direction it is going.
The plans God has for my life.
I am going to start writing my book.
I am going to pray and fast about timing for North Carolina and what that means. What and who I will be leaving behind. IF I can leave certain people behind.
I had goals and direction once.
I was involved with ministry and life and church and I was happy.
This last year has knocked all of that out.
I waver between feeling sad about that and (lately) becoming more excited for the future.
I know God has been here the whole way and I don't have to fear.
If I hadn't gotten sick then I never would have let go of old attitudes or ideas or plans. I would have stayed the same and who wants that?
Change is fun.
Change makes life worth it.
The direction it is going.
The plans God has for my life.
I am going to start writing my book.
I am going to pray and fast about timing for North Carolina and what that means. What and who I will be leaving behind. IF I can leave certain people behind.
I had goals and direction once.
I was involved with ministry and life and church and I was happy.
This last year has knocked all of that out.
I waver between feeling sad about that and (lately) becoming more excited for the future.
I know God has been here the whole way and I don't have to fear.
If I hadn't gotten sick then I never would have let go of old attitudes or ideas or plans. I would have stayed the same and who wants that?
Change is fun.
Change makes life worth it.
Things that have been difficult to do lately:
Taking a shower.
Blow drying my hair.
Plucking my eyebrows.
Been unbearably nauseous for several days.
My muscles around my neck and head are pinched and it feels so heavy to hold up.
I am forcing myself to get out for a few hours today or I may give in to the sadness that engulfs me. I must press on. I must not be beaten down by this monster.
It can't have me.
It's unbearable on days like this. All I want to do lay down and cry because it hurts everywhere and I feel so sick. I don't really want to go anywhere AT ALL, but if I don't get out into the world today I may not resurface. It sounds quite dramatic. It feels pretty severe.
Everyday I fight it.
Everyday I do what needs to be done.
I can't stand noise of any kind, being in a crowd, being under certain lights. Even a movie becomes a source of great stress and debate. I used to love going to the movies. Now I have to deliberate if it's worth it. I have to steer clear of intense movies or shows or books.
Fibromyalgia is affected by everything.
Everything!
Taking a shower.
Blow drying my hair.
Plucking my eyebrows.
Been unbearably nauseous for several days.
My muscles around my neck and head are pinched and it feels so heavy to hold up.
I am forcing myself to get out for a few hours today or I may give in to the sadness that engulfs me. I must press on. I must not be beaten down by this monster.
It can't have me.
It's unbearable on days like this. All I want to do lay down and cry because it hurts everywhere and I feel so sick. I don't really want to go anywhere AT ALL, but if I don't get out into the world today I may not resurface. It sounds quite dramatic. It feels pretty severe.
Everyday I fight it.
Everyday I do what needs to be done.
I can't stand noise of any kind, being in a crowd, being under certain lights. Even a movie becomes a source of great stress and debate. I used to love going to the movies. Now I have to deliberate if it's worth it. I have to steer clear of intense movies or shows or books.
Fibromyalgia is affected by everything.
Everything!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
James 1:2-4
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
Today I had a follow-up with the dermatologist. Last week I went in and he had given me a prescription for silver sulfadiazine cream for what we thought were boils. However when I went in today I was told that my lab culture came back with "Moderate Growth Of Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA)." In other words- a Staph infection on my right leg. They said one can pick it up anywhere, but they took a nose culture to see if I am a carrier. I was given doxycycline hyclate to take for one month 2x a day, continued prescription of the silver sulfadiazine cream 2x a day IN my nose and on the bumps, and also triamcinolone for mild Psoriasis on my knees (to be used M-F, skipping the weekends, 2x a day for about a month).
Yeah.
I also went to CVS to take my blood pressure and it was 125/87. Not as bad as yesterday, but still in pre-hypertension mode. I made an appointment with my primary for December. I want to talk to her about the new dermal ailments as well as the labs I took there at the clinic 2 weeks ago. I never heard back- which is definitely NOT surprising.
It's a good thing I did not go to Texas for Thanksgiving. No way I would have been able to handle all the chaos of driving back and forth, as well as these new dermal sensitivities. I do miss my family though. My niece was born today (here in California). She's actually my cousin's daughter, but we Filipinos consider it niece or nephew when our friends or cousins have children. Our culture is pretty awesome like that. ;)
I'm feeling okay today emotionally, but I must admit it IS daunting to have 2 more ailments. I'm tired (that's not even a semi-accurate word to convey the way I feel) of continuous medical "surprises." I'm ready to settle down. If it were "just" the Fibro it might become manageable, but it seems like every 5 seconds there is another issue that arises.
Oh Abba, all I can do is give it to you. You alone know my defeat, my anxiety, my frustration. Many people have given advice, but YOU alone know the turn out of all of this. I trust you. I ask that you intervene and give me a peace despite anything that comes my way. You have been so faithful, my Jesus. Thank you for your presence.
Love,
Your Girl
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
Today I had a follow-up with the dermatologist. Last week I went in and he had given me a prescription for silver sulfadiazine cream for what we thought were boils. However when I went in today I was told that my lab culture came back with "Moderate Growth Of Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA)." In other words- a Staph infection on my right leg. They said one can pick it up anywhere, but they took a nose culture to see if I am a carrier. I was given doxycycline hyclate to take for one month 2x a day, continued prescription of the silver sulfadiazine cream 2x a day IN my nose and on the bumps, and also triamcinolone for mild Psoriasis on my knees (to be used M-F, skipping the weekends, 2x a day for about a month).
Yeah.
I also went to CVS to take my blood pressure and it was 125/87. Not as bad as yesterday, but still in pre-hypertension mode. I made an appointment with my primary for December. I want to talk to her about the new dermal ailments as well as the labs I took there at the clinic 2 weeks ago. I never heard back- which is definitely NOT surprising.
It's a good thing I did not go to Texas for Thanksgiving. No way I would have been able to handle all the chaos of driving back and forth, as well as these new dermal sensitivities. I do miss my family though. My niece was born today (here in California). She's actually my cousin's daughter, but we Filipinos consider it niece or nephew when our friends or cousins have children. Our culture is pretty awesome like that. ;)
I'm feeling okay today emotionally, but I must admit it IS daunting to have 2 more ailments. I'm tired (that's not even a semi-accurate word to convey the way I feel) of continuous medical "surprises." I'm ready to settle down. If it were "just" the Fibro it might become manageable, but it seems like every 5 seconds there is another issue that arises.
Oh Abba, all I can do is give it to you. You alone know my defeat, my anxiety, my frustration. Many people have given advice, but YOU alone know the turn out of all of this. I trust you. I ask that you intervene and give me a peace despite anything that comes my way. You have been so faithful, my Jesus. Thank you for your presence.
Love,
Your Girl
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