Exhaustion.
I burned my 15-20 journals last night in the backyard, much like the "great journal burning" of 2007 when I burned 80+ journals. It's freeing. I have no regrets. I know what I've lived through and although it would be interesting to go back and re-read what God did in my life during these last 4 years, it would also be a hindrance. Once a lesson is learned or as life continues to pass us by we don't need to go back and put back into ourselves what we just wrestled to let go of.
I'm a writer. I love words and I love keeping a journal. I find it highly beneficial and therapeutic, however, I will not hoard them so I can give glamour to past mistakes and glorify what is already done. That's between me and God and in no way am I suggesting that everyone should burn their journals. No, this is something God spoke directly to my heart in 2007: "I don't keep a record of your wrongs, so why do you?"
Bam.
Right now I am fighting the temptation to dip into television like I used to. I used to use it as an escape when things were bad back in 2002. It was my getaway and it was a long battle to rid myself of that addiction. I still watch television, I just don't plan my life around it or depend on it like I did years ago. Now, here, in the solitude of NC I find myself wanting to go down that road because it's easier. I don't know how to rest. That's a huge issue for me. It's the reason I did way more then my body could handle before the move (and all of the months before), why when we arrived here I unpacked and situated my room the very same night.... I can't be still. That's not something to boast about. Stillness is necessary and amazing. I can be still in prayer. I can be still and watch television, but my mind is always wanting to organize, to fix, to be on the go.
Here, in NC, I am face to face with my limitations. I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I am trying to find tasks for myself. At the same time Abba is beckoning me. Drawing me to sit beside Him and find refreshment for my weary, bone tired soul. I waver- do I sit at His feet or watch reality television? That's rhetorical. I know what I want to do, but I also know that in the silence there is pain. When I am not busy the tears come. Grief at the child I left behind. The girls. I cried at the market yesterday because I saw fruit roll-ups and cotton candy and Frosted Flakes and Mylie's favorite chocolate milk.
I don't regret moving. I know it was the GOD choice. I know I will eventually settle in, but right now my heart is heavy and hurting and I feel like I am facing ALL of the things I was able to ignore in California when I was still busy all of the time.
Now there is silence and time and necessity to examine who I am without any titles or trappings. Now is the time to face the illnesses I carry without excuse or nonchalance.
So that is my struggle. Fibromyalgia forced me into isolation and I believe that prepared me for this move. Here there are no demands except the ones I put on myself. It scares me. I have always been driven and organized and on the go.... even being sick in California, I always had a to-do list going on. There was a lot to get done. Now, it is me and time.... and God.
I am not immune to getting sidetracked. The television here boasts hundreds of channels and I can swim in that sea if I choose. The thing is that I want to choose differently. I want to freefall into rest. Lord, I pray you would teach me to be absolutely still before you. No distractions, no excuses, no more taxing this weak physical body because it's so much easier then facing the truth about my health.
And that's what it is.
Hit the nail on the head.
In California I had some semblance of "normal." I took care of Mylie. I had a reason to be so tired. I had appointments galore. I had church. Now in the silence and still North Carolina air I have no excuse.
The fatigue in my limbs is real.
The pain cascading down my body, especially my arms and wrists and hands today, is real.
My eyes begging to close is real.
My fibromyalgia is real.
It's not just some dream... or nightmare. It's not an excuse. It's not in my head. It's not a mistake. It's here and I can't pretend with myself anymore that I am suddenly going to wake up without it.
I've lived that way for almost 2 years. I still believe my God can heal me. I trust that I have not been healed because there is stuff He wants me to learn from this and stuff He wants to do through my weakness. I firmly, 100% believe and know that God is not ever going to waste my pain.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor. 12:7-10
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 94:19
My challenge now is to fully accept my illnesses and to find joy despite them. My goal is to quiet my mind, starve my flesh, and feed my spirit. I want to be so close to Jesus that fibromyalgia becomes white noise in the background. I want to draw upon His stillness and find delight in His streams of mercy and love and forgiveness. It's mine for the taking... I need only to be still.
It sounds SO easy. Just be still. I think if I knew how to do that I may not have gotten fibromyalgia in the first place. ;)
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
— Jim Elliot
Sunday, August 28, 2011
LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5
I sobbed like a child last night. Why do people say that? Because babies cry a bunch sometimes? I guess... anyway, I sobbed. My heart was and is heavy. I am discombobulated. I am reading the above verses with a fervor. I trust that God called me to this place. I trust that He has wonderful plans for my life and for the lives of those I left behind, and yet the grief is palpable.
My body is also in a flare of flares. I haven't felt this horrendous in months! It's a burden for sure. To sleep but never waking up rested, to take a zillion pills every few hours throughout the day and still be feeling like this.... it's a bit overwhelming. I felt a ping of panic the other day. "Is this it?" I asked myself repeatedly. I moved here to be swallowed up by my health problems? Will I rot here?
I have SUCH limitations, and while treatment has helped a tad, I am still unable to hold down a job at this time and I still have a ways to go. I may never be able to handle it again.... I can "fake" my way through things... packing up for the move, driving cross country (though my body did surprisingly better on the move), and then unpacking and settling in on the very first night we got here. That, dear friends, was only because of adrenaline and pain medication. I do not take pain medication on a regular basis. I don't want to numb the pain and continue to abuse my sick body that way. For some, pain pills work wonders.... Lyrica and all of those things. However, I want to get my fibromyalgia managed and under some kind of control the natural way- as the clinic I sought out offers.
I have been consuming sugar which in turn has made the IBS go bananas again. THAT is my fault. I need to be cut off from sugar (which is my drug of choice). Once the candida gets a bit of sugar it suddenly demands for more and the cravings get uber intense. I hate it. I would like to just drink a darn soda or eat a few cookies without the huge consequences, thank you very much.
Next week I am going to check out a church here. I've attended two different ones on my travels here over the years. One regularly and the other 1x. I am going to check out a different one that seems similar to my church in California. Please pray I would instantly know where my "home" church is once I step in the doors.
My heart and head are in a funky place. With this I press into scripture and into prayer. Only Papa knows my heartache and the brokenness I feel, and only He can fill me up and release me to what comes next.
I wait.
I recall the original scripture God gave me in the summer of 2010 to move here:
“Therefore, son of man, pack your belongings for exile and in the daytime, as they watch, set out and go from where you are to another place. Perhaps they will understand, though they are a rebellious people. 4 During the daytime, while they watch, bring out your belongings packed for exile. Then in the evening, while they are watching, go out like those who go into exile. 5 While they watch, dig through the wall and take your belongings out through it. 6 Put them on your shoulder as they are watching and carry them out at dusk. Cover your face so that you cannot see the land, for I have made you a sign to the Israelites.”
Ezekiel 12:3-6
I seriously feel like I am in exile ("Exile means to be away from one's home (i.e. city, state or country), while either being explicitly refused permission to return and/or being threatened with imprisonment or death upon return. It can be a form of punishment.") and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I can see the purpose, the necessity of getting ANY dependency I have off of whatever it is (for example my role as a nanny or a spiritual mom or friend or whatever is was that "defined" me all those years) that I depended on and back onto Jesus all of the way. In my loneliness and tears I call for Him and that intimacy is more precious then anything.
I know I am not literally in exile. I could go back to California. There is no barrier preventing me... except I know that I'm not supposed to. In that sense there does seem to be some invisible (I know I sound wonky, just please bear with me)barrier. A big NO to my question to God if I made a mistake.
I didn't make a mistake. Things are aligning with His purposes. I know that in my bones. I see the benefits. So while I may cry and grieve and wail around like a baby for awhile I know that I will adjust and then the joy and excitement will come. Maybe it would be different if I wasn't sick. Sickness already provides a sense of isolation- which was evident in California... but I worked with it and the people around me (Aaron, Mylie, Jason, Auntie Pat, and Auntie Evelyn) learned and worked with me as my health issues revealed themselves. I was cocooned in an environment where all of the key players knew the depth of my pain and ailments. Well, most of them anyway. ;) After a time I was able to establish a routine- simple honestly- a trip to the library, Safeway down the street, appointments... my life was very confined and controlled because it had to be. Here, it's a whole different ball game.
It's only been (almost) 4 days since we got here. I've got to give it more time. All of life is a process and I am just going with the wave.
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5
I sobbed like a child last night. Why do people say that? Because babies cry a bunch sometimes? I guess... anyway, I sobbed. My heart was and is heavy. I am discombobulated. I am reading the above verses with a fervor. I trust that God called me to this place. I trust that He has wonderful plans for my life and for the lives of those I left behind, and yet the grief is palpable.
My body is also in a flare of flares. I haven't felt this horrendous in months! It's a burden for sure. To sleep but never waking up rested, to take a zillion pills every few hours throughout the day and still be feeling like this.... it's a bit overwhelming. I felt a ping of panic the other day. "Is this it?" I asked myself repeatedly. I moved here to be swallowed up by my health problems? Will I rot here?
I have SUCH limitations, and while treatment has helped a tad, I am still unable to hold down a job at this time and I still have a ways to go. I may never be able to handle it again.... I can "fake" my way through things... packing up for the move, driving cross country (though my body did surprisingly better on the move), and then unpacking and settling in on the very first night we got here. That, dear friends, was only because of adrenaline and pain medication. I do not take pain medication on a regular basis. I don't want to numb the pain and continue to abuse my sick body that way. For some, pain pills work wonders.... Lyrica and all of those things. However, I want to get my fibromyalgia managed and under some kind of control the natural way- as the clinic I sought out offers.
I have been consuming sugar which in turn has made the IBS go bananas again. THAT is my fault. I need to be cut off from sugar (which is my drug of choice). Once the candida gets a bit of sugar it suddenly demands for more and the cravings get uber intense. I hate it. I would like to just drink a darn soda or eat a few cookies without the huge consequences, thank you very much.
Next week I am going to check out a church here. I've attended two different ones on my travels here over the years. One regularly and the other 1x. I am going to check out a different one that seems similar to my church in California. Please pray I would instantly know where my "home" church is once I step in the doors.
My heart and head are in a funky place. With this I press into scripture and into prayer. Only Papa knows my heartache and the brokenness I feel, and only He can fill me up and release me to what comes next.
I wait.
I recall the original scripture God gave me in the summer of 2010 to move here:
“Therefore, son of man, pack your belongings for exile and in the daytime, as they watch, set out and go from where you are to another place. Perhaps they will understand, though they are a rebellious people. 4 During the daytime, while they watch, bring out your belongings packed for exile. Then in the evening, while they are watching, go out like those who go into exile. 5 While they watch, dig through the wall and take your belongings out through it. 6 Put them on your shoulder as they are watching and carry them out at dusk. Cover your face so that you cannot see the land, for I have made you a sign to the Israelites.”
Ezekiel 12:3-6
I seriously feel like I am in exile ("Exile means to be away from one's home (i.e. city, state or country), while either being explicitly refused permission to return and/or being threatened with imprisonment or death upon return. It can be a form of punishment.") and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I can see the purpose, the necessity of getting ANY dependency I have off of whatever it is (for example my role as a nanny or a spiritual mom or friend or whatever is was that "defined" me all those years) that I depended on and back onto Jesus all of the way. In my loneliness and tears I call for Him and that intimacy is more precious then anything.
I know I am not literally in exile. I could go back to California. There is no barrier preventing me... except I know that I'm not supposed to. In that sense there does seem to be some invisible (I know I sound wonky, just please bear with me)barrier. A big NO to my question to God if I made a mistake.
I didn't make a mistake. Things are aligning with His purposes. I know that in my bones. I see the benefits. So while I may cry and grieve and wail around like a baby for awhile I know that I will adjust and then the joy and excitement will come. Maybe it would be different if I wasn't sick. Sickness already provides a sense of isolation- which was evident in California... but I worked with it and the people around me (Aaron, Mylie, Jason, Auntie Pat, and Auntie Evelyn) learned and worked with me as my health issues revealed themselves. I was cocooned in an environment where all of the key players knew the depth of my pain and ailments. Well, most of them anyway. ;) After a time I was able to establish a routine- simple honestly- a trip to the library, Safeway down the street, appointments... my life was very confined and controlled because it had to be. Here, it's a whole different ball game.
It's only been (almost) 4 days since we got here. I've got to give it more time. All of life is a process and I am just going with the wave.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Mark 4:39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
This was what my morning devotional calendar said today (as my Uncle pointed out). It seems extremely fitting since hurricane Irene is making it's way along the coast. We're getting some power outages, cracking trees, and fierce winds and rain- but I believe we have it very minimally.
I'm so in a flare. Exhaustion grips me in it's death grip vise. Fatigue running all over every limb. My eyes stinging from allergies or something else. My head thick with fuzz. I can barely keep my eyes open.
The IBS has been making it's appearance again, but I can't complain. I did it to myself by loading up on sugar and fast food while we traveled cross country. Oops. ;) For some reason I thought I would be able to evade the consequences. Nope....
It's time for breakfast now so I am heading off.
Have a swell day!
This was what my morning devotional calendar said today (as my Uncle pointed out). It seems extremely fitting since hurricane Irene is making it's way along the coast. We're getting some power outages, cracking trees, and fierce winds and rain- but I believe we have it very minimally.
I'm so in a flare. Exhaustion grips me in it's death grip vise. Fatigue running all over every limb. My eyes stinging from allergies or something else. My head thick with fuzz. I can barely keep my eyes open.
The IBS has been making it's appearance again, but I can't complain. I did it to myself by loading up on sugar and fast food while we traveled cross country. Oops. ;) For some reason I thought I would be able to evade the consequences. Nope....
It's time for breakfast now so I am heading off.
Have a swell day!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Fibromyalgia sucks buckets.
We drove through Oklahoma yesterday and ended up at a motel in Arkansas that looked like something straight out of a horror movie. We were the only guests and it was in this dark, isolated area. It was quaint though.
Today we drove through Arkansas, stopped in Memphis and took photos from afar of Graceland. We didn't want to pay a lot to do the tour but since the mansion was on the way we stopped and I bought postcards.
Ended up here in Dickson, TN.
Tomorrow we'll hit the NC border and see if we'll stop another night or push through to my new home.
Mylie started kindergarten in CA today, as did my niece and nephews in TX. It's amazing that Shawn is already in middle school and the twins started pre-kindergarten, and Devin is just gaining speed as he grows by the day! It was such a joy to stop over in TX and spend time with my family. I can't help but wish they still lived in NC so we could all be together. This was the first major event in Mylie's life that I wasn't there for, but we sent her a video via cell phone and made sure to call her. It makes my heart so happy to hear her happy. :) I know she's shy and that she clung to her teacher the first day, just like what happened with preschool. It takes her awhile to warm up but once she does she enjoys whatever is before her. I'm so proud of that kid. ;)
My niece, who is almost 4, was showing me how she could whistle the whole time we were visiting and she kept asking me not to leave. She told me I need two babies- her and Mylie. How adorable! It was so sweet. I loved getting to love on them since I only see them once or twice a year. Nathan and Devin kept asking us to stay also. The 3 of them piled onto the uhaul trailer and asked to come to NC with us. Shawn is maturing so much and it was nice to hang out with him and he gave me this wonderful artwork he made when he was about 7 or 8 years old. I LOVE kids art or unknown artists' art. Score! It was also swell to hang out with my my brother and see where he works on base. My sister in law blessed us with goodies from her assortment of products. She also made THE best iced coffee I've ever had. Seriously.
We visited their home church which was exactly what I needed. I miss church. It reminded me of Parkway. I love the freedom of worshiping Jesus wherever I go.. alone or with others. I love the simplicity of which He draws us unto Himself, and I love how He spoke straight to my heart through one of my very favorite books in the Bible (Job) about enduring the difficult times. I will never tire of learning that message. I pray I will learn it over and over and over throughout the duration of my life. I pray I would always be brought back to a level of humility whenever my head or attitude may get too big for my own good.
The more miles we covered while driving the more my heart began to heal. It's not there yet. Leaving Mylie behind after 5 years of being with her basically everyday is the hardest thing I have ever done, but she sounds happy again after her bout of being mad and sad with and towards me. Having my sweet little niece, Natalie shower me with warm hugs and kisses for 2 days also helped to nurse my broken heart. I know I am drawn towards children. I always have been. That is my heart. That is what God has called me to do, and ever since I was a child He has provided ample opportunity to be involved with the young ones. I love Him for that!
My ear infection is still nagging at me. It's been about 2 months now and even with 3 rounds of eardrops I still feel horrid. It hurts worse now if you can believe it. The fibro has been kind to me, but after TX it slammed me and now I am in a flare. Thankfully we are just one state away from "home" and I have plenty of meds to get me there. I've started to put stuff on hold at the library in NC (thanks to my precious mother who has always supported my reading addiction and has already gotten a library card there) and my bedroom has been cleaned out and rearranged by my dad who works so hard to do everything he can for his kids. I have a great family and I am incredulous at how blessed I am.
I am currently reading: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare and I love it. Eager to watch The Help and One Day in the theatre. Finished Everlasting and I enjoy how they wrapped everything all up since that was the last book in The Immortals series.
And that's it for now.
Goodnight. :)
P.S. Motel 6 is predictable, affordable, and homey while driving cross country. Each one has a different flavor(oddly shaped showers, hardwood floors, snazzy and silky comforters, a mini fridge tonight, etc. It's fun!)
I am looking forward to going to Wilmington a lot. I love it there so much! Not just because Dawson's Creek was filmed there, but I delight in the small town and the vintage clothing shop, and the used bookstore... the coffee shop by the waterfront.... sigh... my favorite place and I have no idea why. No one else seems to think it's that spectacular. It seems simple and I like that.... I like that very much.
We drove through Oklahoma yesterday and ended up at a motel in Arkansas that looked like something straight out of a horror movie. We were the only guests and it was in this dark, isolated area. It was quaint though.
Today we drove through Arkansas, stopped in Memphis and took photos from afar of Graceland. We didn't want to pay a lot to do the tour but since the mansion was on the way we stopped and I bought postcards.
Ended up here in Dickson, TN.
Tomorrow we'll hit the NC border and see if we'll stop another night or push through to my new home.
Mylie started kindergarten in CA today, as did my niece and nephews in TX. It's amazing that Shawn is already in middle school and the twins started pre-kindergarten, and Devin is just gaining speed as he grows by the day! It was such a joy to stop over in TX and spend time with my family. I can't help but wish they still lived in NC so we could all be together. This was the first major event in Mylie's life that I wasn't there for, but we sent her a video via cell phone and made sure to call her. It makes my heart so happy to hear her happy. :) I know she's shy and that she clung to her teacher the first day, just like what happened with preschool. It takes her awhile to warm up but once she does she enjoys whatever is before her. I'm so proud of that kid. ;)
My niece, who is almost 4, was showing me how she could whistle the whole time we were visiting and she kept asking me not to leave. She told me I need two babies- her and Mylie. How adorable! It was so sweet. I loved getting to love on them since I only see them once or twice a year. Nathan and Devin kept asking us to stay also. The 3 of them piled onto the uhaul trailer and asked to come to NC with us. Shawn is maturing so much and it was nice to hang out with him and he gave me this wonderful artwork he made when he was about 7 or 8 years old. I LOVE kids art or unknown artists' art. Score! It was also swell to hang out with my my brother and see where he works on base. My sister in law blessed us with goodies from her assortment of products. She also made THE best iced coffee I've ever had. Seriously.
We visited their home church which was exactly what I needed. I miss church. It reminded me of Parkway. I love the freedom of worshiping Jesus wherever I go.. alone or with others. I love the simplicity of which He draws us unto Himself, and I love how He spoke straight to my heart through one of my very favorite books in the Bible (Job) about enduring the difficult times. I will never tire of learning that message. I pray I will learn it over and over and over throughout the duration of my life. I pray I would always be brought back to a level of humility whenever my head or attitude may get too big for my own good.
The more miles we covered while driving the more my heart began to heal. It's not there yet. Leaving Mylie behind after 5 years of being with her basically everyday is the hardest thing I have ever done, but she sounds happy again after her bout of being mad and sad with and towards me. Having my sweet little niece, Natalie shower me with warm hugs and kisses for 2 days also helped to nurse my broken heart. I know I am drawn towards children. I always have been. That is my heart. That is what God has called me to do, and ever since I was a child He has provided ample opportunity to be involved with the young ones. I love Him for that!
My ear infection is still nagging at me. It's been about 2 months now and even with 3 rounds of eardrops I still feel horrid. It hurts worse now if you can believe it. The fibro has been kind to me, but after TX it slammed me and now I am in a flare. Thankfully we are just one state away from "home" and I have plenty of meds to get me there. I've started to put stuff on hold at the library in NC (thanks to my precious mother who has always supported my reading addiction and has already gotten a library card there) and my bedroom has been cleaned out and rearranged by my dad who works so hard to do everything he can for his kids. I have a great family and I am incredulous at how blessed I am.
I am currently reading: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare and I love it. Eager to watch The Help and One Day in the theatre. Finished Everlasting and I enjoy how they wrapped everything all up since that was the last book in The Immortals series.
And that's it for now.
Goodnight. :)
P.S. Motel 6 is predictable, affordable, and homey while driving cross country. Each one has a different flavor(oddly shaped showers, hardwood floors, snazzy and silky comforters, a mini fridge tonight, etc. It's fun!)
I am looking forward to going to Wilmington a lot. I love it there so much! Not just because Dawson's Creek was filmed there, but I delight in the small town and the vintage clothing shop, and the used bookstore... the coffee shop by the waterfront.... sigh... my favorite place and I have no idea why. No one else seems to think it's that spectacular. It seems simple and I like that.... I like that very much.
Friday, August 19, 2011
We are now in Texas, Travel has been exceptional and God's favor has been upon us the whole way. We have been through Arizona and saw the amazing Grand Canyon, went to the Flintstone's Park, drove through New Mexico, stayed overnight at a Motel 6 in Amarillo Texas where they actually had hardwood floors. It was pretty nifty. Today we arrived in Wichita Falls Texas and will be here until Sunday. I get to visit their home church (yaye!) and spend time with my niece and nephews. Natalie already told me "I like it when you're here." We played Candyland this evening and my heart ached for Mylie. I miss her all the time. The nights are hardest. One night I just sobbed and sobbed in the motel room. But my niece's little arms stretching for a bedtime hug helped to heal a tiny piece of my heart tonight.
After we leave here we still drive through 5 more states until we hit North Carolina.
The fibro has been kind to me during this trip thus far and I thank you for your prayers.
After we leave here we still drive through 5 more states until we hit North Carolina.
The fibro has been kind to me during this trip thus far and I thank you for your prayers.
Friday, August 12, 2011
So busy.
The move is on Tuesday. We load up on Wednesday and then off we go.
Been packing, seeing family and friends (I've had more of a social life these last 2 weeks then the past year and a half combined).
Mylie cries on and off. She cups my face in her sweet hands and says, "I don't want you to go." We pray together. We do our normal routines. Today we went to the library book sale and found some delightful reads. Being the sweetheart that she is, she even picked out some Winnie the Pooh books for me.
I got the crown on my tooth today finally after 4 months of awaiting insurance approval and the dentist rescheduling, etc. It hurts but I'm sure it'll get better.
I had blood drawn 2 days ago for some labs and my arm still hurts. Fun fibro bonus. Getting our blood pressure taken or blood drawn can leave bruises on our overly sensitive skin.
Took a chance and saw my ortho doctor, who not only prescribed me 120 pain pills for the road (thank you Jesus!) but also gave me an ankle brace and a Tens Unit (which is a portable electrical stimulator like I used at physical therapy) which will mask some of the pain on the drive. I thought I had to pay $60, which I do not have, but insurance covered it. Whoo hoo!
I'm so tired I can't think straight. I still have an ear infection and it's on the same side I had the crown done. Always a joy. ;) That's some sarcasm, cause I am so tired and in a flare and am pushing myself beyond all reason. I packed up so much stuff that wasn't my own and moved boxes and generally tried to ignore fibromyalgia for these 4 weeks.
Now my body is shutting so far down. I am dizzy. I lose my balance again. I wake up stiff as a board. People are driving me nuts trying to lay claim to my favorite papasan chair- which I am taking with me. I am getting unsolicited advice and lectures about everything. I am making myself meet friends even though all I ache for is sleep. But even sleep is not fun anymore. I'm having dreams again. Not good ones.
I am emotional. Happy and sad. Sad and happy. Even the porch light is flickering on and off like a signal that time is ending here in California. I see family and close friends and remember a time in my life where that was the norm. We give tight hugs and miss each other already. I could blame the move but the truth is I was already partially gone before the move was officially decided. I am fighting fibro and I am way better then I was in March or so, before treatment... but I still have a ways to go. I can feel it. And with my current stubbornness to not rest as the doctor ordered, and instead bounce all around like a ball, I know I am only pushing myself even further back.
But what else can I do?
Goodbyes have to be said. That means conversation and lots of it. I cherish these times with the people I love. I saw 2 of my nieces, my nephew, dear friends, my cousins, and last night even had dinner at the home of the children I once cared for. 6 out of the 9 loves that inhabit a large part of my heart. We played hide and seek like old times, we snuggled, we took pictures, and we remembered the old days. I miss those times. I really, really do.
I miss when I was without sickness. I miss when this life here was enough for me. I miss when I was healthy and could run around with 6 kids at a time and then still have energy to attend events later on in the day.
Those days ended in November of 2009....
and I am just now saying goodbye.
I may not have internet again until I arrive in North Carolina... or until we reach Texas to see my brother, sis in law, and niece and nephews. I can't wait to see them!
I'm trusting you God. I am following your directions....
Please fill up the sadness in my heart. Please make this bearable for me, but most especially for Mylie. Please calm her fears and give her joy to start Kindergarten and this new journey of her life. I cannot believe I won't be here for her first day. I've been here for all of her firsts.... her birth (I was the 2nd one to hold her after her daddy), her surgery, her first day of preschool, her first time eating baby food, her first trip on a plane (we've gone to NC every year since 2007- once even 2x in one year), etc.
My mom sent her the Bella Ballerina shoes she wanted so much for her birthday. I watched her dance around in them last night and my heart gets so full. I love this kid. I really do. She was birthed by my best friend and now she is this amazing little creature, full of compassion and joy and love. She teaches our neighbor (who is 5) how to be gentle with the kitty who lives across from us, she will only wear her princess dresses or her ballet, and she reminds me not to eat sugar and to take my meds. Last night she was typing her name on this keyboard, pretending to write her blog. She got a new Tangled journal for her birthday from her mom and she is writing in there (someone said scribbling which pisses me off cause to her she is writing something and it should be respected. I can't stand when people tear their kids or other people's kids down). She carries her "hand bag" and loves to look at trees, flowers, and clouds. Me and Aaron tried to incorporate that as much as we could this last year. There is so much I will miss, and yet I know she will be okay. She is a beacon of light and that won't go away. I pray she grows up just as compassionate and just as lovely. She deserves the world.
God, you are aligning everything perfectly to your design. This move and everyone affected by it is all moving swiftly and smoothly together. You are opening every single door and you are closing all the old ones. I love you so much, God. I thank you for the blessing of a home wherever I am, food to eat everyday, and wonderful people who have enriched my life with the vastness of their character. You are amazing, Papa.
My heart is heavy and I feel bogged down by physical restraints, yet my spirit soars.
Here's to the next chapter!
P.S. My Auntie paid for me to get a haircut. Still long, but with all over layers and all the dead ends are now gone. It feel so much better!
The move is on Tuesday. We load up on Wednesday and then off we go.
Been packing, seeing family and friends (I've had more of a social life these last 2 weeks then the past year and a half combined).
Mylie cries on and off. She cups my face in her sweet hands and says, "I don't want you to go." We pray together. We do our normal routines. Today we went to the library book sale and found some delightful reads. Being the sweetheart that she is, she even picked out some Winnie the Pooh books for me.
I got the crown on my tooth today finally after 4 months of awaiting insurance approval and the dentist rescheduling, etc. It hurts but I'm sure it'll get better.
I had blood drawn 2 days ago for some labs and my arm still hurts. Fun fibro bonus. Getting our blood pressure taken or blood drawn can leave bruises on our overly sensitive skin.
Took a chance and saw my ortho doctor, who not only prescribed me 120 pain pills for the road (thank you Jesus!) but also gave me an ankle brace and a Tens Unit (which is a portable electrical stimulator like I used at physical therapy) which will mask some of the pain on the drive. I thought I had to pay $60, which I do not have, but insurance covered it. Whoo hoo!
I'm so tired I can't think straight. I still have an ear infection and it's on the same side I had the crown done. Always a joy. ;) That's some sarcasm, cause I am so tired and in a flare and am pushing myself beyond all reason. I packed up so much stuff that wasn't my own and moved boxes and generally tried to ignore fibromyalgia for these 4 weeks.
Now my body is shutting so far down. I am dizzy. I lose my balance again. I wake up stiff as a board. People are driving me nuts trying to lay claim to my favorite papasan chair- which I am taking with me. I am getting unsolicited advice and lectures about everything. I am making myself meet friends even though all I ache for is sleep. But even sleep is not fun anymore. I'm having dreams again. Not good ones.
I am emotional. Happy and sad. Sad and happy. Even the porch light is flickering on and off like a signal that time is ending here in California. I see family and close friends and remember a time in my life where that was the norm. We give tight hugs and miss each other already. I could blame the move but the truth is I was already partially gone before the move was officially decided. I am fighting fibro and I am way better then I was in March or so, before treatment... but I still have a ways to go. I can feel it. And with my current stubbornness to not rest as the doctor ordered, and instead bounce all around like a ball, I know I am only pushing myself even further back.
But what else can I do?
Goodbyes have to be said. That means conversation and lots of it. I cherish these times with the people I love. I saw 2 of my nieces, my nephew, dear friends, my cousins, and last night even had dinner at the home of the children I once cared for. 6 out of the 9 loves that inhabit a large part of my heart. We played hide and seek like old times, we snuggled, we took pictures, and we remembered the old days. I miss those times. I really, really do.
I miss when I was without sickness. I miss when this life here was enough for me. I miss when I was healthy and could run around with 6 kids at a time and then still have energy to attend events later on in the day.
Those days ended in November of 2009....
and I am just now saying goodbye.
I may not have internet again until I arrive in North Carolina... or until we reach Texas to see my brother, sis in law, and niece and nephews. I can't wait to see them!
I'm trusting you God. I am following your directions....
Please fill up the sadness in my heart. Please make this bearable for me, but most especially for Mylie. Please calm her fears and give her joy to start Kindergarten and this new journey of her life. I cannot believe I won't be here for her first day. I've been here for all of her firsts.... her birth (I was the 2nd one to hold her after her daddy), her surgery, her first day of preschool, her first time eating baby food, her first trip on a plane (we've gone to NC every year since 2007- once even 2x in one year), etc.
My mom sent her the Bella Ballerina shoes she wanted so much for her birthday. I watched her dance around in them last night and my heart gets so full. I love this kid. I really do. She was birthed by my best friend and now she is this amazing little creature, full of compassion and joy and love. She teaches our neighbor (who is 5) how to be gentle with the kitty who lives across from us, she will only wear her princess dresses or her ballet, and she reminds me not to eat sugar and to take my meds. Last night she was typing her name on this keyboard, pretending to write her blog. She got a new Tangled journal for her birthday from her mom and she is writing in there (someone said scribbling which pisses me off cause to her she is writing something and it should be respected. I can't stand when people tear their kids or other people's kids down). She carries her "hand bag" and loves to look at trees, flowers, and clouds. Me and Aaron tried to incorporate that as much as we could this last year. There is so much I will miss, and yet I know she will be okay. She is a beacon of light and that won't go away. I pray she grows up just as compassionate and just as lovely. She deserves the world.
God, you are aligning everything perfectly to your design. This move and everyone affected by it is all moving swiftly and smoothly together. You are opening every single door and you are closing all the old ones. I love you so much, God. I thank you for the blessing of a home wherever I am, food to eat everyday, and wonderful people who have enriched my life with the vastness of their character. You are amazing, Papa.
My heart is heavy and I feel bogged down by physical restraints, yet my spirit soars.
Here's to the next chapter!
P.S. My Auntie paid for me to get a haircut. Still long, but with all over layers and all the dead ends are now gone. It feel so much better!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Time is getting down to the crunch.
This will be my second to last time at my home church, though I feel so insanely tired and the fibro fog has come over me like a ton of bricks. I would much rather stay in and do nothing, but my stubborn mind is not wired that way. My doctor specifically said "rest before you leave. You will be driving across the country and it will be incredibly hard. Do not do anything before you go." Of course I meant to heed that order, yet my frenzied mind would not slow down enough. I instead repacked my boxes from last year and those 3 moves, I packed up someone else's stuff these last 2 days.... I thrive when I am organizing. That is when I am in my element. I miss having a job (officially) where I could organize all day long.
Alas that is no longer the life I am called to live. So why am I pushing it? Partially I am distracting myself. The busier I am the less time I have to think about this change. I am glad for it, but right now the sadness and the hole in my heart weigh heavier then the happy bits. I am going to miss my friends here- the actual friends. I am going to miss my family. I am going to miss the kids I once nannied for. I am going to miss Mylie most of all.
The other reason is because I'm not lazy. That's it. Plain and simple. I believe in working hard, and there has been a lot to do. With the adrenaline pumping I have been able to fake my way through packing and meeting with people I must say goodbye to. It's really breaking me down healthwise, but I am so determined to make these last weeks count.
There is barely time to breathe this upcoming week. I have appointments and saying goodbye to people and all the little things that come with moving. I am operating from negative 15 energy today and have no way how I will get through tonight, but I want to.
I wish I could do more things... like go to San Francisco and drive to the cemetery to visit my grandparents' graves one last time. I wish I could go to the beach and sit and look at the hugeness of it. The beaches are different where I am going. I wish... I wish....
The reality is not so. The ones who are near and dear have made efforts to meet me or come over and I really appreciate that. It's difficult to make plans without a vehicle.
On another note, I am getting an ear infection again in the same ear as last time. No fun.
I am noticing little patches of irritated skin. One on my leg, and one on my arm. Is it stress? I surely do feel stressed. The other day I spent all day blogging, sobbing, and praying and I still feel the heaviness over me. I don't know when that will go away. I hate leaving just as much (maybe more) then I love going.
Once upon a time I dreamed of the Philippines. I wanted to live there and be a missionary. I have no idea if that will ever happen... not with all of my health problems. But I a honored to say I have at least been once, and I am determined to go again someday. My friend Leah once said to think of this move as a stepping stone to healing, rather then a step backward. It's hard not to feel like I am going backward. I will be living with my parents again, in a quiet and isolated feeling town- but perhaps Leah is right and this is going to be the place where I am able to get just a little better and all of the dreams held in my heart will burst forth again.
A girl can hope.
This will be my second to last time at my home church, though I feel so insanely tired and the fibro fog has come over me like a ton of bricks. I would much rather stay in and do nothing, but my stubborn mind is not wired that way. My doctor specifically said "rest before you leave. You will be driving across the country and it will be incredibly hard. Do not do anything before you go." Of course I meant to heed that order, yet my frenzied mind would not slow down enough. I instead repacked my boxes from last year and those 3 moves, I packed up someone else's stuff these last 2 days.... I thrive when I am organizing. That is when I am in my element. I miss having a job (officially) where I could organize all day long.
Alas that is no longer the life I am called to live. So why am I pushing it? Partially I am distracting myself. The busier I am the less time I have to think about this change. I am glad for it, but right now the sadness and the hole in my heart weigh heavier then the happy bits. I am going to miss my friends here- the actual friends. I am going to miss my family. I am going to miss the kids I once nannied for. I am going to miss Mylie most of all.
The other reason is because I'm not lazy. That's it. Plain and simple. I believe in working hard, and there has been a lot to do. With the adrenaline pumping I have been able to fake my way through packing and meeting with people I must say goodbye to. It's really breaking me down healthwise, but I am so determined to make these last weeks count.
There is barely time to breathe this upcoming week. I have appointments and saying goodbye to people and all the little things that come with moving. I am operating from negative 15 energy today and have no way how I will get through tonight, but I want to.
I wish I could do more things... like go to San Francisco and drive to the cemetery to visit my grandparents' graves one last time. I wish I could go to the beach and sit and look at the hugeness of it. The beaches are different where I am going. I wish... I wish....
The reality is not so. The ones who are near and dear have made efforts to meet me or come over and I really appreciate that. It's difficult to make plans without a vehicle.
On another note, I am getting an ear infection again in the same ear as last time. No fun.
I am noticing little patches of irritated skin. One on my leg, and one on my arm. Is it stress? I surely do feel stressed. The other day I spent all day blogging, sobbing, and praying and I still feel the heaviness over me. I don't know when that will go away. I hate leaving just as much (maybe more) then I love going.
Once upon a time I dreamed of the Philippines. I wanted to live there and be a missionary. I have no idea if that will ever happen... not with all of my health problems. But I a honored to say I have at least been once, and I am determined to go again someday. My friend Leah once said to think of this move as a stepping stone to healing, rather then a step backward. It's hard not to feel like I am going backward. I will be living with my parents again, in a quiet and isolated feeling town- but perhaps Leah is right and this is going to be the place where I am able to get just a little better and all of the dreams held in my heart will burst forth again.
A girl can hope.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Busy, busy days these have been!
Time is swirling by.
My ankle with the osteoarthritis/tendonitis combo is really giving me grief. I know I am pushing myself and overworking this tired body. I know moving boxes and being on my feet all day and meeting people to say goodbye and "overlooking" my health problems for the sake of the move is unhealthy and probably making me backtrack from all of the treatment I have gotten.
I have been eating sugar and drinking soda (for which I paid the ultimate price by not being able to sleep) and basically not taking care of myself again...
I tell myself it is because I am moving away and I HAVE to see friends and the kids I used to care for. I tell myself I will have plenty of time to rest once I get to NC. I tell myself lots of things to get through everyday.
I am in so much pain. I have dipped into the pain meds that were for the drive cross country, and only have maybe 11 pills left. My doctor only gave me 15 to start with. I am praying for medication to come forth from out of nowhere like it did for my dear friend, Alex. I am praying for travel mercies and that our finances last all through the drive...for gas, motels, food. I am praying that I can feel JOY and excitement more then I feel guilt and heartache at who I am leaving behind.
I had a blast with my cousin, Shawna, yesterday. She and my niece, Eva came over and the girls had so much fun dressing up as princesses and playing together. They were like little cousins. It reminded Shawna and I of our childhood, when My Little Pony and playing outside were our only concerns.
Nostalgia.
We drove to my old home. There were signs on the windows saying that hazardous material needed to be removed and it was vacant. I peered in the windows and traveled my feet over the familiar grass. I lovingly mused on the bricks and rocks my dad put there years and years ago. The back gate was unlocked and we went in. I remembered all of the years... from 4 years old to 27.... the neighborhood in 1985 was a safe haven, full of families with kids the ages of my brother and I. We had no fences to block neighbors out back than. We rode our bikes down that street in freedom, played on the swing sets, sat on the curbs.... I remembered fourth of July extravaganzas in our front yard, the Thanksgiving and Christmas splendor when all of our family would come and celebrate... I remembered tears and laughter and a family that inhabited those rooms and halls and sidewalks. I remembered my life.... there on that street- innocent and lovely and so precious to me.
It's another sign that the house is vacant. When my parents sold our home in 2007 and moved to NC, it was sad, but I no longer lived there and my life was busy and full. Now, standing vacant, it serves to remind me that a home is a fond place to look back upon, but that as all things are, life keeps on moving. The house is a shell now. It no longer holds a family, it no longer makes memories... but it counted. It mattered. It is empty now, but once upon a time the porch light was on and the windows were lit with the glow of life and family.
I grew up there. I had a dad, a mom, and a younger brother, and a dog.
I am grown up now and the house is still there and my family is scattered in different states, but somewhere... deep inside of me, the memories live on.
I look back, I look forward, I look...
Only God knows where I will end up.
Time is swirling by.
My ankle with the osteoarthritis/tendonitis combo is really giving me grief. I know I am pushing myself and overworking this tired body. I know moving boxes and being on my feet all day and meeting people to say goodbye and "overlooking" my health problems for the sake of the move is unhealthy and probably making me backtrack from all of the treatment I have gotten.
I have been eating sugar and drinking soda (for which I paid the ultimate price by not being able to sleep) and basically not taking care of myself again...
I tell myself it is because I am moving away and I HAVE to see friends and the kids I used to care for. I tell myself I will have plenty of time to rest once I get to NC. I tell myself lots of things to get through everyday.
I am in so much pain. I have dipped into the pain meds that were for the drive cross country, and only have maybe 11 pills left. My doctor only gave me 15 to start with. I am praying for medication to come forth from out of nowhere like it did for my dear friend, Alex. I am praying for travel mercies and that our finances last all through the drive...for gas, motels, food. I am praying that I can feel JOY and excitement more then I feel guilt and heartache at who I am leaving behind.
I had a blast with my cousin, Shawna, yesterday. She and my niece, Eva came over and the girls had so much fun dressing up as princesses and playing together. They were like little cousins. It reminded Shawna and I of our childhood, when My Little Pony and playing outside were our only concerns.
Nostalgia.
We drove to my old home. There were signs on the windows saying that hazardous material needed to be removed and it was vacant. I peered in the windows and traveled my feet over the familiar grass. I lovingly mused on the bricks and rocks my dad put there years and years ago. The back gate was unlocked and we went in. I remembered all of the years... from 4 years old to 27.... the neighborhood in 1985 was a safe haven, full of families with kids the ages of my brother and I. We had no fences to block neighbors out back than. We rode our bikes down that street in freedom, played on the swing sets, sat on the curbs.... I remembered fourth of July extravaganzas in our front yard, the Thanksgiving and Christmas splendor when all of our family would come and celebrate... I remembered tears and laughter and a family that inhabited those rooms and halls and sidewalks. I remembered my life.... there on that street- innocent and lovely and so precious to me.
It's another sign that the house is vacant. When my parents sold our home in 2007 and moved to NC, it was sad, but I no longer lived there and my life was busy and full. Now, standing vacant, it serves to remind me that a home is a fond place to look back upon, but that as all things are, life keeps on moving. The house is a shell now. It no longer holds a family, it no longer makes memories... but it counted. It mattered. It is empty now, but once upon a time the porch light was on and the windows were lit with the glow of life and family.
I grew up there. I had a dad, a mom, and a younger brother, and a dog.
I am grown up now and the house is still there and my family is scattered in different states, but somewhere... deep inside of me, the memories live on.
I look back, I look forward, I look...
Only God knows where I will end up.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Dear Nausea,
I implore you to leave me alone. Your grip is much too tight. I thought you had decided to leave me awhile back when treatment started, yet here you are again preening as I yield to you. It's been days now and you have settled over my body once more.
If you could please bugger off I would so greatly appreciate it.
I implore you to leave me alone. Your grip is much too tight. I thought you had decided to leave me awhile back when treatment started, yet here you are again preening as I yield to you. It's been days now and you have settled over my body once more.
If you could please bugger off I would so greatly appreciate it.
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